Hand Me a Screw

A Lord of the Rings Piece-O-Crap by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Woo boy, I'm back! And I come bearing a new chapter! GO ME! So… yeah! Legolas tries to build the boat, but he…gets set back a little. And Gimli makes an appearance! And for some reason, you all like that! Woo! I have no idea what I'm talking about!

Disclaimer: Yes, I wrote The Lord of the Rings! Oh wait, that was Tolkien. Wait, then what did I write?! (Twilight music plays. It sets the scene for a disturbing atmosphere! W00T W00T!)

Chapter Two: The Second Chapter

"-So then I says to him, I says, 'Almost? DARN NEAR KILLED HIM!'" Legolas exclaimed loudly. He noticed that the group of Elves around him were staring at him like he was crazy. Legolas frowned. "Well, it was a lot funnier at the kid's bar mitzvah!" He explained angrily. The Elves rolled their eyes and, after giving their condolences to Elrond, left. Elrond turned to his friend.

"Legolas, you really need to work on your people skills. You've scared away almost every guest in the past hour." Elrond stated, shaking his head. Legolas snorted.

"Well, personally I didn't see what they were still hanging around, just because this bastard died." Legolas noticed Elrond's angry glare and he physically blanched. "Oh, I mean, uh... I love you." He finally whispered. Elrond groaned.

"Legolas, stop sending me subliminal messages."

"They're not subliminal if you can hear them..."

"Legolas!"

"Alright, sorry." Legolas grumbled, shuffling his feet. "Well, I think I'll be going." Legolas stopped and smiled at Elrond, bumping his hip against the Elven King's backside. "You wanna give me a ride home, Elrond?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Elrond glared at him.

"I will rip every single appendage from your body, starting with your peni-,"

"Jeez, sorry, I only asked for a ride home." Legolas stated angrily, pulling on his cloak. "And, you know, maybe a little hanky-panky, but is that so bad?" He finished. Elrond turned red with fury.

"GET OUT!"

***

Legolas stood at the shore, staring out at the sparkling water that seemed to call out his name.

The Sea.

He sighed, feeling the burning behind his eyes that threatened tears. Legolas stepped into the water, feeling it lap gently against his boots, and this time, he allowed the tears to come freely. He spread his arms slightly as a salty gust of air blew at him, ruffling his hair. Sea air. And it was at this time that Legolas, son of Thranduil, felt his last remaining control break down and-.

"OOMF!" Legolas gasped when he felt someone shove him roughly from behind. He tumbled down into the knee-deep water, glaring up at the intruder.

"Stupid Elf." Gimli grunted, sitting down on a nearby rock and lighting his pipe. "I hope you fall in and break your neck."

"I was trying to be dramatic, Senór Groin." Legolas replied angrily, standing up and trying to brush the mud off of his leggings. Gimli snickered.

"Was that what you were doing? You just came of as constipated." The Dwarf chuckled as Legolas turned red with anger and embarrassment. The Elf jumped up, pointing a shaky finger at Gimli.

"YOU ARE WALKING ON THIN ICE, DWARF!" He screamed. Gimli simply shook his head.

"It's the middle of July, Elf. Your entire threat is faulty." He explained.

"...I hate you." Legolas turned on his heel, swinging his hair around so good that it reminded Gimli of a shampoo commercial. Not that they had television in Middle Earth... anyway, back to the story.

"What are you doing, stupid Elf?" Gimli asked, noticing Legolas placing fallen sticks from the ground into his arms. Legolas looked around the stack of wood and rolled his eyes at Gimli.

"Duh, what does it look like?" Legolas replied sarcastically, placing a few more pieces of wood onto the heap that was already towering above his head. "I'm building a freaking boat so I can sail to the freaking Gray Havens." He stood up shakily, trying to balance the heavy pile in his arms. Legolas took a few steps before a tree root came up from nowhere, trapping his foot and causing his to fall face first onto the ground, all the wood he had collected scattering across the clearing. Gimli burst into laughter.

"OW! SON-Of-A-!" Legolas screamed, rubbing his knees angrily. "You're supposed to be on my side!" He yelled at the tree root. And the tree root just laughed and laughed...

"Jeez, you're like the stoner that doesn't use drugs." Gimli snickered. "You may not smoke any pipe-weed, but damned if you aren't the most confused person I've ever met, in any race." Gimli shook his head. Legolas rolled his eyes.

"I believe that would classify me as being a blonde-," Legolas suddenly blinked at the obvious slam that he had been tricked into saying against himself. "HEY!"

"You should be put out of your misery." Gimli stated, refilling his pipe.

"I'm not miserable."

"Yeah, but we all are."

"Did I mention that I hated you?" Legolas asked, crossing his arms and pouting. Gimli rolled his eyes.

"Only every single time you see me. And quit doing that, you look like you're having a brain tumor removed."

"...That's disgusting, Dwarf. Really, really disgusting." Legolas stood up and began collecting the wood again, stacking it into a large pile. He picked up a large piece and pulled the hammer from his belt. Gimli raised his eyebrow.

"Um, do you know what you're doing?" He asked as Legolas searched his pockets for a nail.

"What's there to know?" The Elf replied, placing a nail in the middle of the wood and shoving the hammer into it. The piece of wood split in half. Legolas stared at it for a minute before shrugging good-naturedly. "Ah well, second time's a charm, eh?"

"I believe that would be third time's a charm." Gimli replied absentmindedly. Legolas frowned.

"...Leave me alone. Forever."

***

Legolas now sat in a pile of split wood, all the pieces too small and cracked to be used for anything. Gimli snickered to himself as Legolas looked close to tears.

"I don't understand! What did I do?!" Legolas shrieked in a high-pitched voice. Gimli's eye twitched.

"Listen, Elf," Gimli began, turning to the hysterical Legolas. "Why don't you just go into town and buy some good wood?"

"...Good idea." Legolas sniffed and stood up.

***

"Find a cheap store." Legolas stated, walking next to Gimli in the nearest village. Gimli raised his eyebrow.

"You don't want cheap wood, Elf. You need something sturdy." Legolas snorted.

"Yeah, and what am I going to buy it with? My good looks?" Legolas stopped suddenly. "Dude, do you think that would work?!" Gimli rolled his eyes at Legolas and paused near a stand and looked at a price tag for the wood.

"That's a good deal." He stated, turning to the sales-woman. "We'll take a few stacks." He motioned for Legolas to begin loading their wheelbarrow.

"Ask her if we can get if for free." Legolas whispered to Gimli as he passed him with his arms full of wood. Gimli frowned at him.

"What?! No!" Gimli shoved him away and reached into his pockets to produce the money. Just as he paid the sales-woman, someone tapped him on the arm. Gimli looked down to see a young girl looking at Legolas in amazement.

"Is that the Tooth Fairy?" She asked, staring up at him. Gimli chuckled and looked over to Legolas, who was standing a few feet away with his arms crossed glaring at him. Gimli smirked and patted the little girl's head.

"No, Dear, that's not the Tooth Fairy." He stated kindly. "That fairy doesn't have a job."

"Can we go?!" Legolas asked angrily. Gimli snickered again, bid the sales-woman a good day, and walked back over to Legolas.

++++++++++++++++

(A/N)

Yay! What's going to happen? Will the wood be sturdy enough? Will Gimli be able to handle the blondness that is Legolas? Is Legolas the Tooth Fairy? Will they ever start ACTUALLY building the boat? Will I ever write the third chapter? Find out... whenever I write the third chapter! Yay third chapter! WOO!

THE END