Disclaimer: I don't own the ship, the crew, or anything at all.

Chapter 9 – Understanding

Chakotay walked into sickbay, to a highly unusual sight. The doctor was stood over the Captain with what appeared to be a pot of food. He was poking a spoon, half full of the food in the dish at her, exclaiming, "Captain, if you don't eat you won't get better." The Captain's response was to bury her face further into her pillow. If the situation hadn't been so serious Chakotay might have laughed, as it was it frightened him to see her like this.

The doctor walked over to him, indicating at his office. Chakotay followed him; the doctor sat down behind his desk and sighed, placing the bowl of food on the desk in front of him.

"Commander, perhaps you could try and get the Captain to eat something. Before, I have to resort to a hypospray full of nutrients." The doctor's face displayed a mixture of concern and annoyance.

"I'll try", he said picking up the dish of food off the doctors desk. Hmmm he thought, no wonder she didn't want to eat it, it certainly didn't look or smell appetising.

Walking over to her biobed, he pulled up a stool by the side of it.

"Kathryn, you have to eat something. We need you to get better, the crew need you to get better, and I need you to get better." Chakotay hoped the personal plea would get through to her, continuing he said "I cant run this ship on my own, Kathryn."

She didn't move. Sighing inwardly, Chakotay touched her hand; she flinched but didn't move her hand away.

"Can I see your photograph?" Chakotay asked. She was still for a minute, before unclenching the fist that held the photo tightly to her. Taking it from her hand, he saw a young girl. He'd seen pictures of this girl before, in her ready room, her quarters, Cadet Elizabeth Paris, evidently from before Voyager left Earth.

Looking at it he felt twinges of sadness. He didn't even know her, but her sparkling blue eyes possessed belief, knowledge, but most of all love and trust. Trust in the very organization that had let her down in the end, was this what Kathryn was thinking, feeling? No, she was feeling something far more that was obvious enough. It was destroying her.

After a few minutes, he said, "She was a pretty child." He heard her sob loudly, choking on her tears. He laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Tell me", he whispered, gently.

After a few minutes of silence, he asked, "What happened between the two of you? I know she loved you." More sobbing, then a strangled "I let her down, I deserted her."

"No, you didn't", Chakotay said, not believing that Kathryn could ever let anyone down.

"You don't understand", she whispered.

"Then tell me, I want to understand", he replied pleadingly. She shook her head.

Tom entered sickbay, to find the Commander sat talking to the Captain well it was more a one - way conversation. After a few minutes, noting he was getting very little or no response, he decided to head over. Chakotay looked up at him, as he pulled up a stool next to the Commanders.

"Hi", Tom said. He saw the worry in Chakotay's face, it was echoed in the face of every member of the crew.

Chakotay nodded at him, got up and left. Tom just stared after him, now what, he hadn't expected Chakotay to leave. He obviously thought that the Captain and he had something to talk about that was better said alone.

God, what should he say?

Taking a deep breath, he whispered, "She loved you, Captain."

"I know. I loved her too, Tom. Too much, sometimes, it would overwhelm me. Being able to be around her, but not being able to tell her." She was crying hard now, Tom moved closer, and took her hand tightly in his. "I never told her, never told her how much I loved her, how much it hurt to be away from her", she was gasping for breath, her emotions overwhelming her.

Hell, he'd never have thought he would ever see the great Captain Janeway like this. Never. Tears trickling down his cheeks, he pulled her up and hugged her tightly. Drawing some comfort himself from the closeness of the hug.

"I see her, Tom. She's in my dreams, hating me, blaming me. Oh, god. What have I done?" she whispered, still gasping for breath.

"You haven't done anything wrong. Captain, you were protecting her. God knows what terrible things might have happened to her had it not been for you", he said, trying to sound reassuring. 

She shook her head, "No. Tom, I let her down."

He sighed, knowing that Liz wouldn't see it that way.

"Captain, you never let her down. You loved her, cared for her, and she loved you back."

Sobbing loudly, she said, "I wasn't there for her, Tom. I couldn't protect her, the way I should have."

Tom sighed again, why was she so stubborn? Didn't she know that if anyone had let Liz down, it was him. He pondered whether or not to mention, Liz's references to the Captain in the letters she sent him. Deciding against it on the grounds it might upset her more. He decided to try and get her to eat.

"Captain" he paused, "she wouldn't want you to be like this. You need to eat." She pulled back, and looked him square in the face, her pale face wet with tears.

"Please" Tom whispered. He handed her the bowl of food she took it hesitantly. She looked as though she might eat it, he thought. Suddenly she grew very pale, if that were possible, dropping the bowl her hand went to her mouth. Tom instinctively knowing what was going on grabbed a bowl from a nearby console. Holding it for her as she vomited. He stroked her back trying to offer some comfort. She was hot and clammy again, "Doc", he called.

The doctor appeared from his office to see Tom holding a bowl into which the Captain was vomiting. He grabbed the tray of hyposprays and a tricorder, heading over to the Captains biobed.

"What happened?" he asked, concern tinged his voice.

"She was going to eat, and then…." Tom replied.

"I see."

Realising she had finished, Tom helped her lie back down on the biobed.

"Sorry", she whispered.

"It's ok", Tom said, trying to smile. He had never thought he would see her look this helpless. Not her, she always stood above everything else, nothing touched her, only death.

The doctor stood over her with a hypospray. "Captain, I am going to inject you with nutrients", the doctor said. Noticing she didn't reply, the doctor realised that she had passed out. He injected her with a hypospray, and turned to Tom.

"Mr Paris, may I see you for a moment?"

Tom nodded removing his arm from around the Captain. Looking at her, lying there so pale and still, tore at his heart.

Following the doctor into his office, he asked, "She's going to be ok, right, doc?"

"Of course, she's going to be ok. When she wakes up she'll feel a little groggy, but she's on the road to recovery. However, I must warn you at this rate it's going to be a long road to recovery. She's just too weak." The doctor walked to his desk, then turned around.

"You seemed to be making progress, Mr Paris," he said dryly.

"Yeah, I think I was. It's going to take time doc. She blames herself. She wont let anyone talk her round." He smiled sadly, "Liz was just as stubborn."

"Well, it will be a while before she wakes up. Might I suggest you try and get some sleep."

Tom nodded, "Call me, when she wakes up."

The doctor smiled and nodded, before going to sit down behind his desk. Tom walked out of the office, through sickbay, taking one last glance at the Captains sleeping form, before heading for his quarters. He was going to help her; he would get through to her, somehow. He could see now how deep this went. He sighed, thinking how cruel fate had been to her, taking something so precious. After all she went through, a tear glided down his cheek. His thoughts turned to how he was never going to see his little sister again, never going to laugh with her, never going to receive another letter.

Entering his quarters, he went to the replicator and ordered a hot chocolate, before sitting down to re-read 'her last letter' as he had now titled it.

-Fin-