A/N: Gomen nasai… I know it takes me forever to update my stories, and I'm really ashamed of myself because of that. -.-;;;;; I can be really lazy and indolent at times, but I am never one to just abandon something and leave it hanging unfinished in the air forever. I hope you be able to tolerate me until the last period of this fiction. I really appreciate the time you spend on this humble fic of mine and I'm really doing everything I can [despite my grueling scheds and recurring laziness] to keep all my stories going. I wouldn't be doing this if not for you, so thank you very much, minna! ^______^
CHAPTER TWO: CAPTAINS DON'T CRY
He didn't know what came over him when he did that thing. All he had intended to do was tell him how he felt... what he really had in his heart for him. He didn't really mean to resort to such... drastic measures.
"Rukawa, you creep!" that exclamation of mixed anger and shock rang through his ears--a resounding echo of the past he couldn't wipe off his memory. "What do you think you're doing?!?"
Stunned and bewildered by the sudden rush of memory through his semi-conscious mind, Rukawa practically fell off his chair upon feeling the rough shove that had accompanied that burst of wrath. He had expected that kind of reaction from the shorter guy but it still stung to actually have it erupting to his face... Crushing his heart with the strength of a thousand cataclysmic senses... Wounding his callow heart with the cruel bluntness of rejection.
He even had trouble keeping the usual impassive expression on his face and nearly surrendered to the pain that instantly ground his heart and that which turned its shattered pieces into the tears that were struggling to escape his eyes. That was exactly what he had wanted to do at that very moment--cry. Like the way he had seen his senpai do in the rain. After all, he now shared the same emotions as were in that guy's heart.
The same kinds of emotion as his Captain...
Rukawa grunted in utter annoyance and frustration as he abandoned the easy chair at the corner of his bedroom and made his way in plodding steps to the sliding glass doors screening his lair from the raging storm outside. It had been raining like hell for three days now. Three long days that he had to suffer like a quarantined criminal inside this cell, watching as big, fat drops of flaccid crystals incessantly sluiced down from the frenzied black clouds hanging above the whole district of Kanagawa. He found it rather amusing for a while--how each drop lashed on the cold, solid glass as though attempting to break it down to help him out… Or how they fail in their noble task and instead end up forming frustrated puddles on the marble floor of his balcony….
But that amusement--having been coerced for lack of a better pastime--was understandably short-lived. After just three days of its company, its resoundingly hollow company, Rukawa found himself cursing the rain. Each staccato thump of fruitless strife was starting to get to his nerves and he suddenly felt the urge of breaking the glass to shards with his own bare fists to stop the unrehearsed rhythm of the persistent driblets.
The rain didn't seem to be on his side after all. It was slowly turning into a merciless nemesis, all bent to crash him deeper into the pits of absolute agony. The sorrow that he had been trying for days to revoke…
A pale, slender hand shot up and pressed against the icy glass still being battered by the tiny, yet vicious whips of nature. If the rain really wanted to help him, then how come it looked so fierce and cruel to him now? It seemed to be mocking him… Goading him… Scaring him… Even though he was nestled in the safety of his commodious room, alone and secluded from the rest of the world, he felt like a little kid lost in a crowd of strangers… Bare and unprotected… Possessing not a single hope of ever bridging the terrifying distance between him and the person he had trusted with his life.
His physical body may be safe, but his spirit was nearing total breakdown.
And it didn't help that the rain kept on pushing a certain memory into his mind. The memory of that time when he failed to protect the person he had wanted to defend from all the infernal assaults of this hellish life. The one and only being he had hoped with all his heart to harbor in the safety of his arms.
The love that he never really had…
Rukawa's hand balled into a trembling fist against the glass as he closed his eyes and tried yet again to ward the recurring images from off his head. The trick would've worked for him in the past two days, but right at that very moment, amidst his overwhelming depression and the pouring rain, his luck seemed to have ran short of stability as it failed miserably to hold its barriers, thus resulting in an onslaught of tormenting memories.
It was on a rainy night like this one… The scenes came as clearly as a theatrical flick to his head. Reeling on from the time he saw that girl dump his captain to when he approached the short, wailing guy, who was pouring out his frustrations--all his agonizing pain--to the unyieldingly hard ground. That guy's fists were already bleeding profusely the moment Rukawa kneeled down beside him and cradled his sobbing head to his chest. For a few moments, they stayed like that, amidst the pouring rain… His Captain mumbling and sobbing like a little kid while he pressed that lovely tanned face as hard and warm as he could against himself… Against his heart which was beating out the undying, unrelenting rhythm of his arcane love--
It was his first real contact with somebody who meant the world to him… It was his first real definition of bliss… Of love…
Yes, LOVE and BLISS came to him in a rush at that very moment. They devoured him whole the moment he held his Captain that close… The very moment he accepted his feelings--disturbing and *bizarre* as it may seem--for that certain guy…
For… Ryota Miyagi…
A ferocious lightning streaked the dusky horizon, followed subsequently by a rumbling thunder echoing through the heavens. Rukawa opened his eyes slowly as the reminiscence of bygone days kept seeping into his mind. As wild and turbulent as the onslaught of raindrops on the glass doors, each fragment left a mark of desolation trailing down the hyaline borders of time and space.
The borders that were once again holding him back from his happiness…
The embittered kitsune's gradually blurring gaze traveled down the bolted doors in rapt pursuit of a bulky drop forming an evanescent river down the glass. Another bolt of nature's wrath illuminated the night as the threatening orchestra of the passing storm pealed in the distance.
"Rukawa, you creep! What do you think you're doing?!?" The enraged exclamation filled his head once again. The pitch and intensity seemed to match that of the din rolling in the heavens. It had been almost a year ago but he still could not forget that night. It was just as wet and stormy as tonight. Just as cold and excruciating… Oh the agony of it all!
It was on a night like tonight that he had hoped to beget the affection of that guy… And it was on that night as well that he had lost him for good.
Or… did he?
After witnessing the complete deterioration of his Captain's pride and ego and comforting him in the rain as quietly yet as consolingly as he could, Rukawa decided to take the tormented guy to a place where he could somehow unwind and forget about his heartache for a while… A tavern where all kinds of human species gathered every night to try and have some fun despite their shitty lives. There, they could drown out all their aches and frustrations in music, alcohol… and even sex. Yes, some people would indeed go that far to enjoy the night--their only chance of escape from the infernal offerings of daylight.
It was Mitsui-senpai who took him there for the first time. It seemed to be just a casual invitation--nothing serious or anything--until the former suddenly began bawling in front of him and his tall glass of cola. Rukawa had simply stared on and watched as the older guy gulped down his fifth bottle of beer while spitting out the story of his heartbreak in between sobs. It turned out that his girlfriend, whom he loved to the highest peak of heaven, had just broken up with him. And to add in his misery, his good friend, Kiminobu Kogure, had just confessed his love for him while in the course of comforting him in his sorrow. This in turn riled Mitsui up and drove him to blindly beat Kogure--the homophobic freak that he was--until the poor, bespectacled guy was all sore and bleeding, he couldn't even utter a single word to make the utterly freaked ex-gangster stay.
Mitsui left the guy in that condition to search for a better companion and saw Rukawa aimlessly cycling around the neighborhood, obviously in need of some diversion himself… And in a few minutes, they were there at one corner of the bar, trying to give each other comfort over several bottles of beer and a glass of untouched cola.
"I was telling him he's not gay! He couldn't possibly be gay!" Mitsui sputtered in wrath, disappointment, annoyance, and the like--he was obviously provoked, of course, how else should a guy like him feel? "I tried to force that fact into his puny brain, but he just won't listen to me!"
And, yeah, Rukawa could tell what kind of drastic procedure that riley guy had used to "force that fact" into his friend's "puny brain". If he had been in Kogure's place, what Mitsui did could've only triggered his belief in the fact that the older guy was trying to revoke. Kogure-senpai had never been one to perform his part in a physical bout to the fullest of his ability. Not that he couldn't, but he just didn't want to. He was an extremely peaceful person who most often ended up beaten to a pulp. And having his friend pound at him like that-- Rukawa could almost feel how weak, and helpless, and gay that guy could've felt.
He was, after all, having doubts about his own sexuality at that time. So, he should know…
Two months quickly passed after that incident. Mitsui and Kogure were able to settle their differences somehow, gradually brought their intimacy to a much higher plane and eventually became a couple. He was hoping to get the same kind of luck when he took Miyagi-senpai to that place. But some people were just not destined to be so lucky…
Creep. That was what Miyagi-senpai had called him before pushing him away as though he had suddenly grown leper groves on his skin. Rukawa himself was stunned by his own action. Who would've thought that he, Kaede Rukawa, a certified walking Ice Block and uncaring twerp, would actually gain enough guts and cheekiness to lean in and plant a light, almost cautious kiss on the beer-smeared lips of his Captain? And not yet sated by the fruition of his fleeting insolence, he even went for another contact--this time deeper and more passionate. His hungry tongue demanding entrance into the tasty cavern… Ravenously devouring its natural sweetness mixed with the warm, bitter taste of alcohol.
Miyagi was dazed for a few seconds. He wasn't even struggling as the taller guy pressed him against the cold mirror at the men's comfort room while he kept his wanton exploration of his mouth. Rukawa didn't care about the thought of getting caught in such an awkward situation anymore. They would've looked normal to any passers-by anyway as compared to the couples shamelessly making out right in the middle of the bar.
He was already giddy with happiness and almost fainted when Miyagi suddenly began responding to his ministration, a little reluctant at first but his tongue was soon clashing with that of the younger guy's, possessing the same kind of intensified passion.
The blissful heaven lasted but a few seconds more until a sudden realization hit the tipsy Miyagi. Rukawa saw how the older guy's eyes flared when he pulled his lips off and cried angrily to his face. Saw how his face turned red as he pushed him away… How his body trembled as he stormed off-- That was the worst part of all. Miyagi-senpai just went off without even punching him or kicking him or doing any other violent stuff to him. He just ran off, and on the following days acted like nothing had happened that night. And as though that wasn't tormenting enough, he even seemed to have also forgotten that Kaede Rukawa ever existed.
At basketball practice, he never passed the ball to him anymore. Never told him off when he intentionally committed a mistake. Never even glared at him or inwardly cursed at him… Needless to say, that was the most scathing blow for the kitsune. He would've liked it better if the guy had beaten him up instead of ignoring him like that. At least by being a punching bag, he could've somehow helped ease the guy's frustrations and sorrow.
All he had ever wanted at that time was to hold the guy in his arms. Possess him… Protect him… Love him… Was that too much to ask? Did that necessarily make him gay? He had spent considerable amounts of time everyday observing his captain, learning his moves, trying to unravel every mystery that was him. He knew that despite his tough appearance, his usual happy smile, Miyagi hid a lot of fears and drags within his heart. Rukawa could tell, 'coz he was just like him. That was why he wished to comfort him, to sympathize with him. But he had been a little too rash that instead of getting close, he ended up scaring the poor guy away.
All he wanted was to keep him close. To keep him safe and warm. And heaven tell him, was that so bad?
Rukawa's hand slipped down the glass as another grunt escaped his throat. Not wishing to see more of the storm outside, he turned around and leaned his back against the glass, sliding against it gradually until he was slumped like a wretched pauper on the floor. His noble battle at keeping his tears at bay was nearing defeat as the harrowing reminiscence kept on…
He had wanted to make a move--any kind of move to somehow win the guy's acquaintance back [not that they were ever acquainted, anyway!]. He just didn't know how he could do so without stirring that guy to anger and thus attract unnecessary public attention. He was hoping to once again catch the guy in a vulnerable state, but Miyagi didn't seem to be minding his current heartbreak anymore. It did look as though he had completely forgotten about it, until Rukawa accidentally overheard his senpai's conversation with the redheaded do'ahou right after practice. He had stopped short of entering the shower room and just listened…
"You're really one tough guy, Ryo-chin!" Sakuragi exclaimed amidst the loud thumping of water against the floor. "I've never seen you cry over that junior who dumped you last week! I would've killed myself if that were to happen to me!"
"Moron! Why the hell would I do that?" Miyagi snapped. "Basketball Captains don't do stupid things such as that, especially now that the Inter High is just a week away!"
"Hai! Hai! Wakaru! Wakaru!" Sakuragi's vexingly loud voice rumbled once again. "But it won't do you good to just keep it all to yourself! You do need to cry once in a while to--"
Miyagi's loud laughter instantly filled the room, shutting the redheaded dolt to stunned silence. "Hanamichi, you're really stupid! You're telling me to cry? ME? The tough, dauntless captain of the team? DAMN! And what would you people think of me then, huh? I bet you'll be first to laugh your ass off! Just knock it off, okay?"
There was a moment of silence during which the random beating of shower driblets against the floor were the only sounds that could be heard from the room. Deeming it safe to finally enter, Rukawa was about to turn the knob when Miyagi's soft, yet firm voice suddenly spoke up, uttering a statement that was to be one of those to stay in the Kitsune's heart forever…
"Captains don't cry. They're not supposed to."
He had let his hand slip off the knob and didn't bother to protest even as his feet, which seemed to have grown brains of their own, deftly turned his whole body around to head back home while still drenched in his own sweat. It never really occurred to him that Miyagi had lied to his best friend that night. It wasn't a lie after all. When he saw the guy crying on school grounds a week earlier, he didn't look half the tough, dauntless Captain he had just claimed to be. He was just… Ryota Miyagi. Spirit dampened… Heart broken… Tears profusely forming crystal snakes down his face… He was not the Captain then, he was just his weak, pathetic self… The battered self he had been hiding inside him all those while to make everyone believe he was feeling okay.
After that incident at the bar, Rukawa thought he would never see Miyagi ever again. That he would forever stay buried deep within the deceptive façade of the tough and dauntless Captain of Shohoku High's basketball team. He had actually come so close to giving up on him, until yet another stormy night, a few days before the Inter High district eliminations…
It was the night when Ryota Miyagi obliquely told him of his importance in his life. It was the moment Rukawa had been hoping and wishing for with all his heart and soul. And he should've been happy, right? Blissful… Ecstatic… Elated… If only it weren't the last time he would ever hold that guy in his arms. If only they were given enough time to build something more out of their newfound intimacy.
If only he didn't have to go…
Rukawa brushed his hands through his hair and gulped back a sob as the rain continued to pour as wildly and abundantly as though this was going to be the last time it would ever graze the earth. That was exactly how hard he had cried on that night, and on the days and nights following that fateful incident.
He had been in this kind of lonely plight when the guy who was to become his citadel of survival and forced existence came to his life…
And now, he too, was being taken away from him. What reason did he have left to continue clinging to his life? The basketball team? This year's Inter High District Eliminations sure was drawing near, but had he not done his task for them already during the tournament last year? He was only a junior then, and yet he was made responsible [though totally against his will] for a bunch of fumbling players. Not to mention that it was only several days after the former Captain died in his very arms. He wouldn't have made it through it all, if not for Akagi-senpai who had constantly stayed beside him like a big brother ever since that incident at the park. And who eventually became his lover several weeks after that quiet, yet meaningful intimacy they had shared outside the bar.
It was while they were watching the stars together that they slowly realized how perfectly they fit the missing puzzle piece in each other's heart. That was the moment Rukawa knew, that there indeed were a number of other reasons to keep living… To keep breathing… To keep loving.
And all reasons had his Take-chan in it, but now that he's gone--
"Captain's don't cry," he mumbled under his breath as another thunder traced its presence on the nocturnal sky behind him. "They're not supposed to." But who could possibly blame him if he did? That night at the park, he was not yet the Captain, so he cried in his lover's arms without restraint. Ever since he became Captain, however, he tried to do what Miyagi-senpai had done. He buried his vulnerable self in the deceptive façade of the tough, dauntless Captain… The Captain who never cried… 'Coz he's not supposed to.
But the burden, the agony and the regretful sorrow continued to accumulate within his heart. No matter how hard he tried to suppress them, they never did yield in their struggle to flood his spirit with all their scathing, piercing force. Tonight, they seem to be working extra hard to make him feel miserable, and thus give up on his attempt to keep the tears at bay…
He was not feeling half the tough and dauntless Captain of Shohoku High's basketball team anyway. He had not been doing so in the past three days. He had just deigned himself back to the buried part of his being--the weak and helpless Kaede Rukawa. The lone fox who had once again lost in the game of love…
He felt the first tear form a cold streak down his cheek and buried his face to his knees as the opportune sobs of unspoken sorrow shortly followed.
Outside, the maddening raindrops continued thrashing on the cold glass door…
==tbc==
Hey! You've made it this far! Arigatou gozaimasu for reading my fic! Mind leaving a review? Thanks!! ^_____^
