Ever since I can remember I have lived in a shell
Looking out at the world around me...
Built on disappointment
Betrayal...
Pain.
It has been fortified by years of loneliness.
So thick now
Is this cage that I have imprisoned myself within.
So thick that I fear it is impossible to destroy.
So dense is this accursed, protective barrier that I have hidden behind so
long
That not only does nothing get in,
But nor can anything escape.
If ever I were to be happy
Nobody would see my smile.
If I were to become enraged
Little of the anger trapped inside would my face tell.
To feel pain or sorrow is useless
If no tears may fall.
So instead these things remain within me;
I am a prisoner to my own fear.
The emotions build up
One after the other
Fear
Sickness
Loss
Hurt
Anger
Stress
...love.
They pile on top of one another
Pushing, fighting, struggling to break through
But there is a dam you see;
It keeps these dangerous feelings from showing their selves through this
obdurate mask I've made.
But with each new emotion the dam threatens to give way
and let everything out.
But it never does...
Somehow it holds out every time...
Because I won't let it break.
Because I am afraid...
I am afraid of what might happen if I let the world in,
If they see the real me.
At least this way I can't be hurt.
A paroxysm of an unfamiliar feeling explodes in my mind as I feel a hand on
my face
It almost burns me;
The heat of another's touch.
I have been cold too long.
Another hand slithering gently through my hair
I begin to rock.
The soft swaying as she holds my body against hers;
It feels like an earthquake.
And I feel that emotional barrier crumbling,
The walls that have taken years to build
Are weathered away by her soft caresses.
Tears flow unchecked as the dam collapses,
The restrained feelings of ages surge forth like a tidal wave,
They race forward, coursing like the free waters of a river.
The rocking stops, leaving me dizzy.
I'm pulled closer, feeling the warmth of a real embrace;
It feels so good.
Something soft brushes my lips,
Then they are engulfed in a warm, moist kiss.
It's almost painful and I fear bruising;
I have never been kissed before.
I can feel my heart raging in my chest;
Beating at the pace of a wild horse.
My breath comes so fast
I fear there is not enough air to fulfill the needs of my greedy lungs.
Three words are whispered softly in my ear-
I love you.
Three words.
Three words; only one syllable to each but powerful nonetheless.
They hit me like a punch thrown at my head,
But it doesn't hurt;
It just scares me.
But I do not want to hide.
I have never heard these words before.
They have never been spoken to me in that context.
Perhaps if they had been there would have been no wall,
There would be no hidden emotions beffing to be known and felt and
acknowledged,
There would be no grieving child masked by the heartless persona developed
to protect;
But only managing harm.
But then...
There would be no Holly Short,
And so she would never love me.
So maybe it wouldn't mean so much
Those simple three words...
I love you.