Title: L' Estate di Suicidio
Author: Clynn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I'm not making any money off of them.
Author's Notes: Okay, I don't know if I like this chapter or not, but I'm posting it anyway. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and I hope that you enjoy this chapter. MORE REVIEWS!
I've been laying motionless on this same bed for nearly forty-five minutes. Snape sent Madame Pomfrey back into the room when he left, and she has made some feeble attempts to talk to me. Thus far, I have refused to respond. I know I am frustrating her, and I honestly regret that, but I don't have the kind of energy it takes to carry on a conversation with her. I can't pretend anymore, it just takes too much out of me. She has mostly remained in the distance, watching carefully, but not really trying to invade my space. She was rather forceful, however, that I eat something, and I found myself unable to fight her. I ate a whole bowl of soup and two pieces of buttered bread before she was satisfied. I had to fight the urge to throw up afterwards. My body is no longer used to having so much food at once.
Snape returns to the room with a slightly frightening expression on his face, and I gather that the conversation with Dumbledore did not go well. He ushers Madame Pomfrey out of the room with none of his earlier politeness and storms angrily to the chair by my bedside. He looks at my expectant face and mutters something under his breath about insufferable old fools who don't know as much as they think. At this point I am terrified. For all I know, Dumbledore has ordered that I be sent to St. Mungos.
"Harry... You are aware, I assume, that Dumbledore is in constant contact with your godfather?" I nod my head impatiently. I wish Snape would get to the point. "Well, as soon as I brought you back here, Dumbledore wrote to Sirius. As he should, have I guess. He had no way of knowing Sirius's reaction. Anyway, Sirius has ordered that you be removed from the Dursley's care permanently and sent immediatly to live with Remus Lupin. The letter arrived today, Dumbledore was apparently on his way down here to tell you when I went to meet with him. Dumbledore... Dumbledore seems to think that Lupin will be able to take better care of you than I, and as soon as the appropriate wards are placed around his home, you are to be sent there. I tried... I tried to tell him that it might not be the best idea, but he wouldn't listen. I suppose.... I suppose you will be happier there, anyway." Snape's tone has gone from angry to defeated, and I am still struggling to digest everything he said.
"But... But I can't go there. Does he want me to leave? I can go back to the Dursley's if I have to, I don't want to be a burden on him. But I can't go to Lupin's. He... He won't understand and I'll have to pretend, and I can't pretend anymore, Professor, I just can't. I can't go stay with him...." I'm crying now, and I swipe angrily at the tears pouring down my face. I'm not even entirely sure why I'm crying, I just know that Sirius is making a mistake and Dumbledore is making a bigger one by listening to him. Snape looks uncertain about how to comfort me, when he knows that he can't stop this from happening. Nevertheless, he comes to sit beside me on the bed, and this time, I am the one who pulls him into a hug, burying my face into his shoulder. Snape allows me to stay like that for a few minutes, and then he pulls back.
"Dumbledore is coming down here to talk to you. I couldn't convince him not to. I'm afraid I got a bit... distraught, and began to yell at him. Apparently, he finds it difficult to take me seriously when I am yelling. I will make myself scarce while he is here, but if you need me, I will be within yelling distance. I don't imagine the conversation will get so upsetting as that, but just in case... Ah, here comes Albus now. Good luck, Harry." Snape gives me one last hug, and then slides past Dumbledore and out of the room.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Potter. I see that Severus has told you the news. Are you unhappy with the prospect of leaving Hogwarts?" I stare back stonily and refuse to respond. I should think the answer to his question is fairly obvious from my tear-stained face. "But why, child? I was under the impression that you and Mr. Lupin got along quite well. I thought he might be someone you could confide in." I nearly laugh out loud at this.
"Snape is someone I can confide in. He doesn't try to force it. You just don't get it. Lupin won't either. I don't want to go. I want to stay here, with Snape. I don't have to pretend with him. I need that. Please... Please let me stay." Dumbledore looks slightly taken aback that I actually responded, and to be honest, I'm a bit surprised myself. Dumbledore's mouth hangs open for a moment, and it occurs to me that he has probably never been told that Snape is better equipped to handle a student than he is, and he probably doesn't appreciate the thought.
"Harry, Sirius is, as far as I am concerned, your legal guardian. He requested that I do what he thinks is in your best interest. I am sure that if I told him not to, he would agree not to remove you from the school. But I am not sure that I entirely sure that I understand your reasoning, nor am I certain that your thinking is... clear at this time. You must understand why I fear that your logic might be a bit distorted." Dumbledore is trying to be as kind as possible, but I am getting frustrated and angry.
"You can't kick me out! Please, just tell Sirius I don't want to leave. Tell him I'm trying, tell him I can get better here. This is the best place for me, Professor, don't you see that? Lupin can't watch me constantly, like you want. He can't make sure that I don't do it again. But Professor Snape can. He... Professor Snape hasn't tried to force me to do anything, he isn't forcing me to get better, and I think that's why its easier to talk to him. Sir, I'm sure Professor Snape told you that I didn't want to see you today. Its because of the potion. I can't deal with being forced into things right now, and thats what you wanna do, and what Sirius would want to do, and Lupin, if I didn't convince him that I was okay, which is what I'd try first. It won't help me, sir, it'll just keep getting worse."
Dumbledore looks at me, and I am amazed to see that he is slightly ashamed. "Mr. Potter, giving you that potion was a mistake. I realize that my doing so has changed the way that you view me, and that perhaps you no longer feel you can trust me, but I want you to know that I will always do what I think is in your best interest. Sometimes I am wrong, as I so clearly was with the potion, but I will never intentionally harm you. If you truly feel that Professor Snape is what you need to work through your current emotions, then that is what I will tell Sirius when I respond. Severus has been harsh to you over the years, and I must admit to some surprise when you decided you would rather confide in him then me, but he can offer you an understanding that I don't think I could. Please remember, though, that whether I fully understand your problems or not, I am always willing to listen to them."
I nod slightly and Dumbledore bids me good-bye, sending Madame Pomfrey in as he leaves and taking Professor Snape to his office for further conversation. I wonder if he will merely repeat the conversation he and I had here or if there is something further he wishes to discuss.
