Title: L' Estate di Suicidio
Author: Clynn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I'm not making any money off of them.
Author's Notes: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and an extra special thanks to the people who have been reviewing every chapter. Ummm, lets see- Indiana Jones, I think you were the one who said that Harry was a bit OOC in the last chapter? I think... Anyway, I suppose he may have seemed that way, but I'm drawing on how I perceive Harry from the books, and then my own experiences with depression and how it can change a person. I think it is impossible to leave Harry exactly like he was in the fourth book, because seeing what he saw will have an inevitable effect on his psyche. Thanks for the advice, though, and I'll try to keep Harry more in character. Now, who else... Ah, KH- you suggested a Harry/Sev slash. Well, as you can see, I'm not doing to well updating this story regularly, but since you asked so nicely, I will start a HP/SS slash. Just don't expect it any time too soon, okay? Okay, once again, thank you to everyone who reviewed, and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
I wake to find myself wrapped tightly in a tangle of blankets, the pressure of them weighing comfortably on my back. Snape sits in a chair across from the bed, watching me.
"Good morning, Harry." Snape greets me.
"Professor." I answer softly. "I... Thanks. For last night, I mean. I'm not used to having someone listen to me like that. I appreciate it."
Snape just smiles at me, which startles me so much I don't think I would have heard him if he'd bothered to reply. This is the second time this summer I've seen a real smile on the man's face, and the effect is startling. He looks less... well, tired, and I think it must take a lot out of him to keep up what I am now certain is simply a mask of anger and bitterness all year. There is more to Snape than I ever saw, or ever tried to see, really, and now, he is offering me a glimpse at who he really is. And to my surprise, I find I actually want to know. I want to know the man who is helping to put me back on my feet. He has been making an attempt to get to know me, and I haven't seen any judgment in his eyes. I want to offer him the same chance he is giving me.
"Harry? Harry!" Snape's voice pulls me out of my reverie and when I look up, his face shows real, genuine concern.
"Sorry, Professor. I just got a little lost in my thoughts. What were you saying?" The concern doesn't leave his face, but Snape lets the matter drop.
"Breakfast, Harry. Why don't you get up and get changed so that we can go get some breakfast?" I nod and slip out of the big bed. Snape nods towards a far door. "Bathroom is through there, and there are some clothes for you in the armoire over there. I'll wait here while you get changed." I nod, hiding my surprise at the amount of freedom Snape offered me. After being trapped in the hospital wing under Madam Pomfrey's watchful eye, it is a delight to be left alone even long enough to change my clothes. I walk over to the large, ornate armoire and open it to find a row of brand new robes in my size. I look questioningly back at Snape.
"Albus thought it silly to make you wear your student robes or those horrible muggle clothes your aunt and uncle give you all summer. He said to consider those-" Here Snape waved an indifferent arm in my general direction, "a gift. Said he would take it as a personal insult if you didn't accept them." I almost grin. Trust Dumbledore to make it sound like it was a crime not to accept his generosity. Turning back to the armoire, I finger each robe gently, letting the cool material slip softly through my fingers. Finally, I select one that I'm pretty sure is silk, a deep, plum colored robe with wide arms and cloth ties down the front, rather than the brass fastenings that adorn my school robes. The light material will be a welcome change, I think, and I quickly select some undergarments and head into the bathroom.
The spacious bathroom has a bathtub almost as large as the one in the prefect's bathroom, and the comparison sends a shock of sadness through me. I sigh heavily, and fill the tub. The aroma of lavender fills the room, and I amuse myself with the thought of the rigid and angry Snape I see during potions selecting such a gentle, almost feminine scent. No, the man I am seeing now is quite different from the one I've seen in the past.
As I slip into the foaming water, the heat releases tension in my muscles that I hadn't noticed in a long time. I don't think that stress has left me since Cedric died, and it is odd to feel the muscles in my shoulders and neck relaxing. The heat of the water is incredibly comfortable, and though I can't help but think about what it would be like to stick my head under the water and breathe it in deeply, it is more of an automatic response to where I am, then any concrete plan. I have no intention of killing myself this morning, and that thought is surprising too. How long has it been since I could honestly say that I had no plans for escape? Yet here I am, a few days in Snape's care, and I am beginning to remember what it means to be alive.
When I finally exit the bathroom, Snape is sitting calmly exactly where I left him. He smiles at me as I walk towards him, as if some question has been answered. It occurs to me that there is simply no way that Snape did not consider the possibility of me drowning myself in his bathtub. Rather than being angry at being tested, I find myself smiling nervously back at the professor. He stands and puts a hand on my shoulder, and I think the move startled him just as much as it did me. He doesn't remove his hand, however, and id still smiling as he begins to speak.
"Breakfast in the great hall, today, Harry?" I know he wants me to agree, though he will remain here if I ask. I am a bit nervous about facing the other teachers, but Snape will be there, and I'm quite certain that everyone has been told not to question me. Perhaps they won't even know why I'm at Hogwarts. I nod at Snape, and he grins, not just a smile, but a real grin. Now there is an expression I never expected to see on that man's face. Sanpe does not appear to realize how odd his facial expression is, however, and simply begins to steer me out of the room.
When we get to the great hall, Professor Dumbledore is involved in an animated conversation with Professor Flitwick, who seems to be squeaking a great deal more than actually forming words. Professor McGonogall is there, which surprises me. I'd assumed that if she had been in the castle, she would have come to see me with Professor Dumbledore. Perhaps she just arrived, or maybe Snape asked her not to come. In any case, I'm glad I didn't have to deal with her until now. She is preoccupied, at the moment, with staring angrily at Professor Trelawney, who apparently found time to leave her tea leaves and crystal ball to come have a bit of breakfast. Professor Trelawney is blissfully unaware of the look of utter contempt being sent towards her and is crunching merrily on a bit of bacon. Hagrid is missing, which doesn't surprise me. Had he been in the castle, I've no doubt he would have barreled his way past even Dumbledore to get to me.
Snape and I make our way towards the table, and he chooses two seats for us. He is next to Dumbledore, of course, and I am between him and Professor Trelawney. Snape piles food on to my plate, while the other professors look on with mild curiosity. I keep my head focused on the table in front of me, and try to convince myself the Professor Trelawney is not looking at me with the same intense and questioning stare she uses on her crystal ball. "Eat it all, Harry," Snape mutters to me softly. I nod and begin to eat silently. Professor Dumbledore gives me a small wink, and then resumes his conversation with Professor Flitwick rather loudly, and all of the other professors seem to take the hint. Professor Snape, it seems, does not associate with his fellow professors. I'm not surprised, but I really don't want to sit through an entire meal being gawked at and having absolutely nothing to distract me.
"Professor?" I ask quietly. Snape looks at me with some surprise. I don't think he expected me to recognize his presence in front of anyone else. "What are our plans today, sir? I mean, are we just going to sit around in your rooms all day? Because to tell you the truth, sir, I don't really think that giving me so much time to think is a good idea." Snape smiles at my admission.
"I was beginning to think along those lines myself, Harry. Perhaps a trip to Hgsmeade, if you're up to it? Or if you prefer, we can find something to do around the castle.... Less people." Snape is speaking softly, and I notice Professor Trelawney leaning in very close to me, clearly trying to hear what is going on. I resist the urge to laugh at her, and return my focus to Professor Snape.
"Maybe... Hogsmeade would be nice, Professor, but not for too long, please." It is a strange feeling, being able to see exactly what I need. Should I be able to look at myself like this, as if my depression is an entirely separate entity? In any case, I want the chance to leave the castle for a few hours, a chance to move around and breathe in some fresh air. I want to have a conversation about anything other than my own state of mind. Professor Snape seems to realize this, and turns to Professor Dumbledore to alert him to our outing. Twenty minutes later, Snape and I stand at the doors to the castle, about to venture out into public for the first time in far too long.
