Title: L' Estate di Suicidio
Author: Clynn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: See Chapter One
Author's Notes: Okay, I have to apologize for this chapter, I know it has been a long time since I updated, and this chapter is very short, but I've been having computer problems and I don't have much time to write. I will try and update again this weekend, a longer chapter this time. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and to this person who said that they read this would be slash- I suggest you go back and look again, what I said is that this is NOT slash. Again, I am grateful for your reviews, and I hope everyone is enjoying the story.
I have much to thing about, and Snape's words are still echoing through my head nearly an hour after hearing his story. I remember the look on his face as he spoke about torturing that child, and I wonder how he survives, how he faces every day with the knowledge that he harmed an innocent. I wonder how I can look at him the same way, how it is that I can't regard him as a monster, can't manage to evoke in myself the passionate loathing I feel for all deatheaters. How it is that I don't even consider him one of them, that all I feel as a result of his story is understanding and even pity. And even now, all I want to know is what is wrong with me, that I can feel this for a murderer. Shouldn't I be wondering what is wrong with him?
The truth of it is, I do understand, far more than I want to. I understand what it is like to feel unloved and unwanted, and I understand the temptation to lash out. I'd like to think that I couldn't have done it, that I couldn't have hurt that little girl, but I realize now that the potential is in me, as much as in Snape. If circumstances had been different, if I hadn't been so welcomed at Hogwarts, if Dumbledore hadn't gone out of his way to help me, I might have done it. In Snape's shoes, I can't say with certainty that I would have walked away, that I wouldn't have joined Voldemort. And that thought terrifies me.
I glance up, pulling myself away from my musings, and note with some surprise that Professor Snape has somehow managed to situate himself directly across from me and begin speaking without my notice. I wonder how long he's been talking, and if he has noticed yet that I haven't heard a word of it.
"Umm, sir? Could you repeat that, please? I didn't realize you were talking to me..." I interrupt the professor, my voice soft and hesitant. Snape looks startled and a bit fearful, and it occurs to me that he probably expects me to announce that I have decided he is a hideous creature and should be locked in Azkaban. After all, I have spent over an hour since he told me his story sitting in a chair staring straight ahead. It must have been quite unnerving.
"Of course... I was just saying that... Well, maybe we should talk, about what I said earlier. I mean, you oviously have something on your mind, and if you aren't comfortable being around me anymore if you are frightened of me, I need to know now, so that I can tell Albus and arrange for someone else to take care of you." Snape's voice is strong and certain, but his eyes betray just a touch of vulnerability.
""Professor, to be perfectly honest, I'm still trying to work through what I feel. I certainly don't hate you, and I don't fear you, but... To be honest Professor, I'm a bit shaken. I think I understand you better now, and it scares me that I can listen to a story like the one you told and feel nothing but understanding towards you. It scares me that I can identify with you, that I can understand the emotions and instincts that would drive you to do what you did. It terrifies me to think that I have the potential to intentionally hurt someone, and I do, I know I do now. And I don't know if I could control this... this part of me, if I was in the wrong situation if I didn't have anyone to talk to and let everything out, I just don't know what I would do..." Professor Snape looks at me, his gaze soft and understanding.
"Harry, I think we've seen what you do when you feel like I did then. You felt alone and unloved, and you blamed yourself for ruining the lives of innocent people, and you let it build up inside of you and didn't confide in anyone. But Harry, you didn't react like I did, not exactly. You may have tried to take the life of an innocent, but it was your life, not someone else's. You could have easily taken your emotions out on the people you live with or someone else in the neighborhood, but you didn't. You took everything you felt, everything that was dying to escape from you, and you controlled it and turned it back on yourself. It was a stupid thing to do, probably the stupidest thing you have ever done. But you controlled yourself, Harry, and that shows great strength. Once you figure out that you were wrong, once you really believe it, you can harness that strength and use it to release your emotions in a better way. Talking to me is wonderful beginning, but it won't always be enough. You will need to talk to everyone you care about, Harry, you need to tell them everything that drove you to such extremes. And it will be hard. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But you have already demonstrated your strength to me, Harry, and I have faith in you. So don't doubt yourself Harry, because that is when you truly begin to lose control." Snape had taken my hand in his as he spoke, and I was quite certain of the sincerity of his words, but I was not so confident in their truth. Still, his words give me more to consider, and I slip back into my mind, retreating from Professor Snape until I have time to process his words.
