Title: L' Estate di Suicidio

Author: Clynn

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I'm not making any money off of them.

Author's Notes: GAH! Another horribly late chapter.... I'm so sorry. I started school a few weeks ago, and the workload is horrible, even on weekends. When I'm not doing work, I'm sleeping or eating. It is my own fault for signing up for too many difficult classes. Bah! Anyway, I'm really sorry, and I'm going to aim for an update a week, but no guarantees. This chapter is for Sarah x, because I promised it to her a week ago and didn't have any time to work on it. Oh, and Craddock is a Welsh name, meaning loved. I thought it was appropriate, if not particularly pretty. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

Chapter 17

Craddock snuggles up against me as I sleep, and I feel utterly content. I don't think that Professor Snape really understands what an amazing gift he gave me. Craddock is not like Hedwig, not in the least. Hedwig is a friend, my equal. Where Hedwig would bristle at the term 'pet,' Craddock is undeniable thrilled by it. He likes to curl up in my lap, but he always accepts it when I tell him to wait, or leave him alone for a few hours. Rather than being angry at me for deserting him, he is simply delighted that I return. Craddock has his quirks, of course, and he isn't always happy with me, but I only have to ask forgiveness for it to be granted. Even Snape has been seen cuddling up to Craddock in the evening, a sight which I'm sure would convince Ron that Snape was actually someone quite different who had taken a large dose of Polyjuice.

I cringe and roll over, despite Craddock's protests. I haven't sent Ron or Hermione thank-you notes yet, and I imagine they are beginning to worry about me. My birthday was nearly a week ago. I grumble a bit, and force myself out of the bed. If I don't write them now, I probably never will. I was going to, on my birthday, but Dobby came, and then there was dinner in the Great Hall, and I was just so tired when it was all done. I'm still tired, as a matter of fact, but I think I can manage a few short notes. I don't need to tell them anything. I can't say anything important, not in a letter. I grab my quill and some parchment and sit down at the desk. I'll write to Ron first. Its always easier to talk to Ron. He sees less, he doesn't press me for answers. Hermione will, if my tone seems off. I dip my quill in the inkwell and begin to write.

Ron-

Thanks for the gift, I'm sure I'll find a lot of use for it around here. Can you imagine what would happen if I tried to slip Snape a Ton-Tongue Toffee? Actually, it isn't so bad here. The castle is pretty much empty, and its big enough that I can avoid anyone I don't want to see. Its definitely better than staying with the Dursleys. Its okay for you to write to me now, you don't have to send it through Dumbledore anymore. I know you want to know why I'm here, I'll explain everything when you arrive. Thanks again for the gift.

~Harry

P.S.- Do you think Dumbledore would get mad if I turned his hair blue? I don't really want to wait for you to get back to try this stuff out...

It will work, I suppose. He'll wonder why it took me so long to reply, but I don't think he'll mention it. I don't feel comfortable telling him that he can write to me directly, but I think at this point it is something I have to do. In a few short weeks, school will begin again. I will have to face my friends directly, explain to them what happened this year. I won't be able to hide in Professor Snape's rooms if someone makes an upsetting remark. I have to be able to handle it. I sigh and pull out another bit of parchment, and carefully construct my letter to Hermione.

Hermione-

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply to you. I promise I'll explain everything when you return to Hogwarts. As a prefect, no less! Congratulations! I happen to know who the other Gryffindor prefect is but I think I ought to let it be a surprise. Don't worry, even Dumbledore isn't crazy enough to put Ron or I in that kind of position! Thank you for the book. I've read a bit of it, and I really like it. Its amazing how many similarities there are between Muggle fairy tales and wizard fairy tales. I suppose that some things are common to all people, regardless of magical ability. I'm sorry I can't offer you any better of an explanation for what I've been doing all summer, but I promise, I'm much happier here at Hogwarts than I would have been with my aunt and uncle. And I'm very grateful that Professor Snape took time out of his schedule to take me to Diagon Alley. Just don't tell Ron that I expressed anything resembling gratitude towards Snape. He'll think Snape has me under Imperius or something! You can write directly to me now, and I'll try to respond more quickly. But I'll be seeing you soon, in any case!

~Harry

This note is much less effective. Hermione will over-analyze and worry and probably incite Ron to worry as well. But at the very least, I trust her to respect my wishes and not direct any questions towards me until I see her return to Hogwarts. At which time, she will probably pause only to make sure that I am in good health before attacking me and demanding answers. Hermione is not one known for her patience.

I set aside the second bit of parchment, and begin to put away my things. There is one letter, though, that I have failed to respond to. Probably the person most deserving of an answer. Sirius cares about me. I'm worrying him, upsetting him, and I'm making it much worse by not communicating with him. I'm not ready to deal with everything my godfather will want to talk to me about, but at the very least, I owe him thanks for his concern. I should do what I can to ease his worry. I reach hesitantly for a third piece of parchment and begin to write.

Snuffles-

I'm not entirely sure I know what to say to you right now. It isn't so much that I don't want to explain to you why I did what I did, its mostly that I don't know how. What I do know of my own reasoning is difficult to vocalize, and some of it I don't think I understand myself. All that I really know is that Professor Snape understands. I know you care about me, Snuffles, and I'm so glad. You mean a lot to me, and I don't want to hurt you. I'm just trying to understand all this myself, and I don't know that I could even begin to try explaining it to anyone else. But thank you for writing to me. Thank you for saying that you care about me. I need to here that every once in awhile. I'm sorry that I'm hurting you. I don't want to upset you. There are just some things I'm not ready to face yet.

~Harry

It's inadequate. I know that it is inadequate, but it is the best that I can do. I really don't know what to say or do, I just know that it will be worse if I say nothing. I can feel myself losing nerve as I sit and stare at the letter, so I grab it and stand. I walk as quietly as I can into the living room and open the door. I take a deep breath and reach into my pajama top. Pulling out the owl charm, I rub quickly, fiercely, before I can change my mind. Each second that I stand there, chilled by the night air breezing through the dungeon, I become more and more convinced that this is a bad idea.

Finally, Hedwig swoops down, looking me over with concern. Having established that I am physically safe, she coos encouragingly in my ear. My fingers tremble as I tie the letter to her leg. When I'm sure it is secure, I send her rather brusquely on her way. Hedwig seems to understand my insecurities, however, and simply nips me affectionately on the ear, and soars off. My nerves do not dissipate with Hedwig's departure, however, and my hands are still trembling as I push the door closed. I turn to return to my bed and let out a small gasp of surprise.

"Harry? What is going on? Why are you out of bed?" Snape is leaning against the door to his bedroom, looking at me in concern. I attempt to smile at him, but a combination of nerves and exhaustion has taken its toll on me, and I find myself fighting off an inexplicable urge to cry. In an instant, Snape is beside me, guiding me back to my room and tucking me into bed. "What is it, Harry? Did you have another nightmare?" Snape's tone is almost desperate now, and I have the odd impulse to smile.

"No, no, it wasn't a nightmare. I was just answering the letters I got on my birthday and..." I trail off.

"Sirius." Snape says it frankly, without malice. I'm amazed to hear my godfather's first name cross Snape's lips.


"Yes. I answered his letter, as best I could. I think I owe him that much. But I had to send it with Hedwig quickly, before I lost my nerve. I feel terrible about that, Professor. It shouldn't take so much effort for me to write a short note to my godfather." Snape sighs, and reaches out to lay a reassuring hand on my arm.

"Harry, you are hardly writing to him in what one could consider normal circumstances. You haven't had very much time to learn about your godfather, and while I know you care about him deeply, you really don't know much about each other at all. Your still learning what to say and what not to say with him, and that kind of thing takes a long time to develop. It's only natural for you to be unsure about what to say to him. Being nervous only means that you care what he thinks of you, that you care about him."

"I guess so... Its just so hard..." Snape smiles down at me.

"It will get easier, Harry, I promise. Maybe not right away. Maybe not for a long time. But eventually, you'll be more confident, more able to communicate with your godfather and your friends." I grimace and slide deeper into the covers on my bed.

"I don't have a long time, Professor. I have until September 1. Its only a few weeks."

"And its only a few hours until morning. You have a potions lesson tomorrow, and I want you to be able to concentrate. I know you are worried, Harry, but trust me, you'll be able to handle it when the time comes. For now, just go to sleep and try not to think about it. I'll stay until you fall asleep."

It seems like it has been a long time since Snape sat beside me, waiting for me to drift off. Tonight I'm glad he's here. I'm glad that he heard me get up, that he is still watching out for me. I'm glad that Craddock waited for me in my bed and that he is curling up against me and easing some of my remaining tension. I force my remaining doubts out of my mind and settle in to sleep.