Title: L' Estate di Suicidio

Author: Clynn

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I'm not making any money off of them.

Author's Notes: Well, there is finally another chapter. I know, I'm amazed too. But I have the whole week off, and nothing better to do with my time, so you may even get a second chapter this week! I hope you enjoy this one, I've been struggling for awhile with this scene.... Thank you for your wonderful reviews, this chapter is for LegacyLady, who's liberal use of exclamation points makes me feel loved. Hope you like the chapter!

Chapter 19

The doors open slowly, and the hoards of children outside begin pushing themselves through as soon as there is space. Grinning, laughing, and cheerfully discussing their marvelous summers, the group is utterly terrifying. They make their way slowly towards me, the mass of them looming before me like some grotesque, many-headed monster. They have the same ability to inspire irrational and all-consuming fear that is innate to circus clowns. You know, when you see them, that there is something horribly dark and malicious just beneath the surface, because no one is that jovial naturally. It's a veil for something I'd rather not see, even though I know it exists.

"HARRY!" Hermione rushes forward, separating herself from the bizarre group moving steadily towards the Great Hall. She throws her arms around me, and I feel myself flinching despite my best efforts to the contrary. Ron stands behind Hermione, an odd expression on his face. "Oh, Harry, I was so worried when you didn't answer your letters, and then I got the owl from Dumbledore telling me you were safe, and it made me feel a bit better, of course, but its not the same as hearing it from you! You are okay, aren't you?" Hermione pulls away from me, looking rather flustered.

"I'm fine, Hermione. I'll tell you about my summer later, but if we don't go now, we'll miss the feast. I wanted to wait until we could have some privacy, and I'd much rather hear about your summers, anyway." Hermione smiles at me, relief obvious in her eyes, but Ron simply turns and begins walking towards the Great Hall. He hasn't said a word to me since he arrived, and as uncomfortable as my conversation with Hermione has made me, Ron's silence is even more disconcerting. Hermione casts a brief, inquiring look first at me, then Ron, but I don't know how to answer it, and Ron just ignores her.

"Well," Hermione begins hesitantly, "I had a great summer, Harry..." I attempt an encouraging smile, and Hermione grins back as we begin loading our plates with food. "My parents finally decided that I was old enough to go out on my own a bit, so I got to go to all sorts of museums that they don't really enjoy. One of the tour guides at the British Museum told me that I should apply for a job there, since I probably know the museum as well as most of the staff now. I think I might, next summer. Can you imagine how amazing it would be, Harry, to have the resources of the British Museum at my disposal? Its all Muggle things, of course, so there are huge gaps in their library, but still, it would just be amazing!" Hermione's voice is getting louder and louder as her excitement grows, and her eyes are bright and wide. I smile a bit at her enthusiasm, and glance over just in time to see Ron doing the same. He looks at me for a second, that same queer expression on his face, then looks away. I frown, and glance up to the staff table. Snape catches my eye, just for a second, and my stomach feels a little less heavy. Scanning the table, it is difficult to miss the fact that Hagrid has returned. He too, catches my eye, and smiles, a wide, enthusiastic smile that for some reason makes me feel terribly guilty.

"That sounds wonderful, Hermione." My voice is weak and insincere, and Hermione and Ron both send piercing looks in my direction. "Are you done eating yet?" I tremble even as I ask them. I don't want to tell them the truth, I don't want them to know why I've been here all summer, and I don't want to answer their questions, but I know that I have to. They nod yes, and I am grateful for their silence, though it is tense and a bit nerve-wracking. I look up at the staff table again, and make a brief motion for Hagrid to come with us. Together, Hermione, Ron and I rise. Hermione tells the curious Gryffindors that we just want to go somewhere quiet to catch up. Another cautious glance towards the head table, and I can see that Hagrid is also making his excuses. I don't dare look at Snape again, the four of us leaving together is suspicious enough.

Hermione falls behind me as we step outside the doors, and I can feel her questioning stares on my back. Ron, on the other hand, appears to be less than anxious to hear what I have to say. I can hear his feet dragging slowly across the floor, and I imagine that the startled "Oomph!" that I hear and the quickening of pace that follows is a result of Hermione's sharp elbow again finding Ron's ribs. Hermione has amazing aim with her elbows, its a shame she doesn't have the same ability in the Quidditch pitch.

I really should turn around, just for a second, and tell Ron and Hermione where we are going. I know that I should, and I know that Hermione is terribly worried about me, but I can't find words to reassure her. I can't tear my thoughts away from the words I'll have to say to them, to all three of them, to somehow explain the events of the summer. Snape has already coached me, a bit. He told me not to expect them to understand, or relate. All I can ask is that they support me, and Snape has assured me that he is confident that they will. Granted, his assurance was given by rather insultingly comparing Ron to a baby duck following his mother and Hermione to a trained monkey, and didn't even touch on the subject of Hagrid, save for a grumbled "too easy," when I pressed him, but I got the point.

I push open the huge doors that lead on to the Hogwarts grounds and stop a moment to adjust to the cool night air. Hagrid is waiting for us here, and I nod in greeting before continuing towards his home. Behind me, I can hear Hagrid quietly telling Ron and Hermione where I am taking them, and that he knows nothing more than they do about what I have to say to them. Hagrid's loyalty is unparalleled, and when he wants to, he can show amazing insight. Tonight, as I listen to Hagrid encouraging Hermione to give me space, and wait until I'm ready to talk, I'm grateful to him once more. Hagrid stays behind me, murmuring softly to my two best friends, until we reach his home. I step back and let him push open the heavy door, then, with a brief nod of thanks, step into the room.

Craddock lays curled on Hagrid's giant table, and raises his head in acknowledgement as I enter. I walk over to him and stroke him lightly, while Hagrid mutters something about having told the beast a million times to stay off of his table. The words are muttered with distracted affection, and Craddock merely stretches himself out to cover even more space. His small body can't begin to cover more than a tenth of the table, but he certainly does his best to take up as much room as he can. I smile down at my pet, and speak without looking away from him. "Ron, Hermione, this is Craddock. He was a birthday present from a friend of mine, and Hagrid is letting him stay here."

"Oh, Harry, he's beautiful," Hermione gasps, walking forward and hesitantly bowing down in front of Craddock. I let out a small chuckle, and Craddock shoots me an unmistakable glare before laboring onto his tiny feet and giving Hermione a shaky bow of his own. Before he can repeat the procedure with Ron, I scoop him up into my arms and settle down into one of Hagrid's massive chairs. Craddock doesn't appear to be quite ready to forgive me for laughing at him, but a well-placed scratch under the chin quickly solves that problem. Ron and Hermione sit near me, neither saying a word, and Hagrid hands us steaming teacups before settling into the only remaining chair.

"I want," I begin, "to tell you what happened this summer. And I want to make you understand, but I don't know that you can or will. Maybe it's better if you don't. All I ask is that you don't interrupt me, and that you don't say anything that you don't mean. This is very difficult for me, and I'm not entirely sure how to tell you in the first place, without worrying about questions or reactions before I'm finished. Okay?" I look at the three of them in the face, one by one, and they nod their acceptance.

"After the Triwizard Tournament... After Cedric... It was hard for me. I know you all know that, but I don't know if you understand how hard it was. I mean, how could you? You weren't there, you didn't... You didn't see his body on the ground, you didn't hear Voldemort's complete lack of regard for life. It was awful. And the more I thought about it, and it seemed I couldn't help thinking about it, the more I realized that it was my fault. I told Cedric to take the cup with me. It was me that Voldemort wanted, not Cedric. Just being near me was enough to get Cedric killed. At first, I think I knew I wasn't being rational. I knew that Voldemort had ordered Cedric's death, that I wasn't the person who actually spoke the words of the killing curse, but after awhile, it all got sort of blurred. Guilt does that to you, if you feel it strongly enough. I was able to distract myself, distance myself from it while I was here at Hogwarts. But when I went back to the Dursley's, I had nothing else to think about. I became... well, obsessed, really, and I couldn't escape the images in my mind of Cedric's death, constant nightmares and pictures in the back of my mind even while I was awake. I started thinking about other things, too. About Pettigrew. About Quirrel. About all the times I've landed one of you in the hospital wing. It all seemed to lead back to me, and finally it became too much. I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all, any of you. But it seemed like my very existence was doing just that. The real reason that I was brought back to Hogwarts wasn't because of some threat from Voldemort. I tried to kill myself this summer. That's why they brought me back here."

Hermione gasps, and Hagrid makes a noise that is somewhere between a cough and a sob. Only Ron doesn't make a sound. He sits with his back unnaturally straight, his expression unchanged. I watch him closely for a moment, but I can see Hermione preparing herself to ask me questions, and I have to get the rest of the story out now, before I lose my courage.

"I don't think very many people on the staff know what happened. The person who found me knows, and Madame Pomfrey, because she had to heal me, and of course Professor Dumbledore, but I think that's it. There is kind of a system of wards set up around the Dursley's, and one of them was alerted when I tried to off myself. It sounded only to the professor who set it up to begin with, and he came immediately to the Dursley's and stopped me. In fact, he did much more than that. He took me back to Hogwarts, and when I realized that Dumbledore couldn't fully understand the position that I was in, he stepped forward. He's been taking care of me all summer, and I think we've really gotten to know each other and trust each other. He's really very-"

"Snape," Ron growls angrily. "Just spit it out, its Snape isn't it? You've spent all summer with the greasy bastard, telling him everything you never told your best friends, and what do you think he'll do with it, Harry? Did he tell you it would be okay, that he would look out for you? How much does he have to put you through before you realize the truth? Your own godfather has told you not to trust the man, he's berated you constantly since you began here, and all of a sudden, he's become the shoulder you cry on? You're an idiot if you think he won't use this against you. And when he does, just remember who you chose to confide in. Remember how you turned away from your best friend in favor of that bloody monster. I've heard enough of your self-pitying bullshit. Good night."

Ron turned and stalks angrily out of the hut, and with an anguished look at me, Hermione runs after him. Only Hagrid remains with me, sipping his tea pensively and casting long looks in my direction. "They'll come around Harry. Just you wait and see." I nod briefly, feeling tears come to my eyes. Snape promised me they would try. He said telling it would be the hard part, that afterwards Ron and Hermione would do everything they could for me. Clearly, he was mistaken. Ron and Hermione don't care at all. And why should they? Ron is right, I did desert them. But why should he begrudge me the chance to talk to someone who can actually relate? Angry and confused, I set Craddock down on the floor and bid Hagrid good night. I can't go back to Gryffindor tower just yet, not when I am still so close to tears. Besides, I don't want to risk running into Ron. Instead, I turn and go to the one place I know that Ron will never set foot, back to the dungeons to talk to Snape.