Title: L' Estate di Suicidio
Author: Clynn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I'm not making any money off of them.
Author's Notes: Okay, this is a short chapter, but at least I got it up quickly, right? The next chapter will probably take a couple of weeks b/c of school, so apologies in advance! Thanks again to all my reviewers, and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Chapter Twenty
I enter Snape's chambers quickly, not wanting to risk being seen. The living room is cold, and it is apparent that Snape has not yet returned. With a quick flick of my wrist and a muttered "incendio," I light a fire, and then collapse into a chair. I'm shocked and hurt by my friend's behavior, and I can't even begin to imagine a way to fix it. I spoke to them honestly, explained the situation to the best of my ability, and it wasn't enough. Ron... I don't know what to think about Ron. Maybe he is right. He is supposed to be my best friend, the person I can trust with anything and everything, but I didn't. I didn't trust him to help me when I needed it. I didn't trust him to understand me, or to look out for me. On the other hand, how can he expect me to trust him? Last year, he did the same thing. He jumped to conclusions and judged me based on things that were pure speculation. He spent half of a year hating me for something that wasn't true; something I told him repeatedly was not true. And now he expects me to run to him and tell him everything I think? Why? Why should I do that when he so obviously isn't capable of hearing anything other than what he wants to hear?
Hermione, on the other hand, listened to me. I know she did, I could see it on her face. She listened to me, and she pitied me. I can't deal with pity. Anger, I know I'll be able to handle eventually. I will just get angry with Ron in response, like I always do, and we'll argue with each other until one of use decides to cave. Or we'll never speak to each other again. Either way, I'll be able to justify my own emotions, and everything is easier to deal with if you can somehow excuse yourself from it. Pity, however, is much more difficult. What emotion do you feel in response to pity? You can pretend to be angry, but it's always painfully clear that the person pitying you has no malicious intent that warrants your anger. In the end, you just end up feeling pathetic and stupid and worthy of pity. Pity breeds nothing but self-loathing and helplessness.
Of the three of them, Hagrid is clearly the hardest to read. I wasn't expecting his reaction; Hagrid is not usually someone to hold back. He told me Ron and Hermione would come around. But come around to what? Am I to assume, from his remarks, that he still supports me? That he is attempting to understand? Or perhaps he, like Snape, truly does understand, and that is why he said so little. Maybe he just saw how close I was to tears and wanted to give me a chance to compose myself. Maybe he isn't sure what to think or say. Would I know how to react, if I were in Hagrid's place? Somehow I doubt it.
"Harry? Are you all right?" Snape slipped quietly into his rooms and walked over to where I sat sprawled in an armchair. "Did something happen?"
"Sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be here right now, but... I tried, Professor, but they just don't seem to care. Ron is furious with me. He thinks I should have gone to him instead of you. He said that you will use whatever I've told you against me. I don't agree with him of course... I just... Its already been so hard, Professor, and now it feels like I'm losing my best friends, too, and I don't think that I can deal with that." Snape takes several deep breaths, and turns his face away from me.
"That bloody git... Look, Harry, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear from me, but I'm going to say it anyway. Ronald Weasley is petty, insolent and childish. He is not particularly intelligent, and he is certainly not a very good friend. That being said, I know his friendship means a lot to you, and I know you must be very hurt. Ron just doesn't understand, Harry. I know you've explained the facts as much as you can, but how can Mr. Weasley be expected to know what you were feeling? Its a difficult thing to put into words, and I have long doubted Mr. Weasley's ability to listen properly, but perhaps if Ms. Granger were to act as a mediator?" Snape places a comforting arm on my shoulder, and his tone is gentle, but his eyes are flashing furiously and I can see the hand still by his side curl longingly into a fist.
"Professor, you aren't going to do anything stupid in potions tomorrow are you? Because if you treat Ron any worse than you usually do, everyone else might become suspicious and Ron will know exactly what is going on. It would just make things worse between us."
"You know I won't do anything overt enough to put your life or mine in danger, Harry, but I can't make any promises about Mr. Weasley, simply because I can't guarantee that I will keep them. I've never liked that boy, and I don't think I ever will. Just promise me that you will attempt to work out whatever problems the two of you have quickly. Weasley is rash and thoughtless; having him angry with you when you are in such a precarious position is unwise, no matter how idiotic and unfounded his anger is." Snape's voice is still laced with anger, but I can also hear his resignation. He is right, that I have to try and patch things up with Ron right away. Ron has a tendency to say and do things he shouldn't when he is angry, and although I am quite certain that Hermione is restraining him, it is only a matter of time before something slips.
"You're right, Professor. I should probably go and talk to him now. Hermione will make him listen to me, I'm pretty sure. But sir, I don't... what is left to say? How can I make things right when I don't think I understand Ron any more than he understands me?" Snape stares own at me for awhile, then moves away from my chair and gets us both tea. It seems that the entire castle views tea as some sort of cure-all, save, perhaps, for Madame Pomfrey. I accept the steaming cup gratefully and turn my attention to the professor as he pulls a chair closer to me and sits down.
"Look, Harry, I've never claimed to know all there is to know about Gryffindors. Or friendships. Or much at all that applies to this particular situation. All I know is that Hermione Granger will not rest until her world is back to being easy and predictable and structured. And that won't happen until her two best friends like each other again. You may not know what to say to Mr. Weasley, but that bloody know-it-all has a talent for speaking when she has nothing to say and for pretending, at least, to have all the answers. I'm quite certain that with her there, the two of you will manage to communicate." I study Snape carefully, surprised by the amount of anger in his voice. His face is drawn and his expression dour. To say that he looks tired is an understatement of epic proportions.
"Professor... Are you all right? I don't mean to pry or anything, but you don't look very well. And besides, I know you don't particularly care for my friends, but after everything I've seen of you this summer, its hard to believe that this is really you, showing so much hatred towards them..." Snape takes a deep breath and sips his tea slowly. The tension in his features becomes more apparent than ever as he answers me.
"I'm sorry, Harry, it's like this for me every year. I spend all summer relaxing, being myself, not having to worry about some student catching me with my guard down, and then it begins all over again. I have to turn back into some horrible old man, pretend to hate everyone and everything, and this year, especially, I have to make sure that my position as a spy isn't compromised in any way. It's difficult for me, but the first day is always the hardest. After awhile, it just becomes another routine. I shouldn't have spoken about Ms. Granger the way that I did, and for that I am sorry. I meant every word I spoke about Mr. Weasley, however, and I will not apologize for speaking the truth. Maybe there is something in him that I can't see, but I will not lie to you. I don't like him, Harry, and the things he said to you today certainly didn't endear him to me." I nod, a bit taken aback. It isn't like Snape to speak at such lengths about himself, and it certainly isn't like him to apologize.
"Ron isn't so bad, sir... He just needs to grow up." I find myself defending Ron without hesitation, despite my anger. And although I have no desire to say it to Ron's face, I know with absolute certainty that I am right. Ron has no malicious intent; he barely notices how much his words hurt people. Ron is thoughtless, certainly, but he isn't cruel. Given enough time (and enough time with Hermione), I am certain he will outgrow his more unbearable habits.
"Perhaps... But what are his friends to do in the meantime? Why don't you give Mr. Weasley the evening to calm some of his more volatile emotions, and discuss things with him tomorrow, instead? Then you can have all the time you need to think about what to say to him, and Ms. Granger can attempt to get something into that abominably thick skull of his. Besides, it might be easier to adjust if you went about things slowly. And I have a most amusing story to tell you about my third-year Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw class that ends with a furious pink and green striped Ravenclaw screaming at two bright orange Hufflepuffs that managed to explode a cauldron on their first day..." I grin and sink deeper into the chair. If there is one thing I can count on from Professor Snape, it is a temporary solution, even when a more permanent one cannot be found. If he can't assure that my problems will disappear, he at least makes sure that I have something better to think about.
