Title: L' Estate di Suicidio
Author: Clynn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I'm not making any money off of them.
Author's Notes: Merry Christmas! Its a short chapter, but it is here, and I hope you enjoy! Thank you to everyone who reviewed and emailed. Hope you like this chapter.
Chapter 21
I slip silently out of Snape's rooms, swinging the portrait shut on his snores. Snape told me story after story about incompetent students causing catastrophes in his potions classes, until he finally fell into a restless sleep. I'm fairly certain that he heard me leave, but I don't check. I walk quickly, praying that I don't run into any other students. I know that I can't avoid them forever, but I'm tired and hurt, and all I want is to go to bed.
I manage to reach the entrance to the common room without meeting anyone, but I can't avoid a conversation with the Fat Lady. "Harry Potter! You have been here all summer long, and you didn't come see me once! Sulking around in the dungeon with no one to keep you company but those vile suits of armor, what were you thinking? Well, no matter, you are here now! What is the password?"
I blink, trying to comprehend the stream of words buzzing around my head. Finally it registers that all I have to do is tell her the password and I sigh in relief. "Lion heart," I mutter, and the Fat Lady heaves open with a slightly offended 'humph.'
The common room is warm and inviting, but I recoil from the amount of noise. A group of kids I don't recognize, presumably first years, are watching in amazement as Seamus and Dean play a heated game of wizard's chess. The pieces look more frustrated than amazed, though, as members of the crowd throw out conflicting directions. Neville is proudly showing off his prefect's badge to Ginny, who is struggling not to show her shock. She is failing miserably, but Neville doesn't seem to mind. I begin to feel more comfortable as I realize that no one has noticed me. I move to slip up the stairs to my bed, but a hand clamps down on my shoulder.
"With me. Now." Hermione speaks sharply and firmly, and I don't bother arguing. She drags me up the stairs to the boys dormitory and yanks open the door. Ron is sitting on his bed, facing the door, his mouth in a grim line. It is obvious that he was expecting us, and he isn't any happier about having this conversation now than I am. Both of us recognize Hermione's mood though, and you do not argue with Hermione when she is this set on "fixing" things.
"Now, Harry, sit down. Facing Ron. And give me your wand, I already have Ron's" I sit on my bed, just opposite of Ron, and wordlessly pass over my wand. Hermione waits for a few seconds, but Ron and I just stare at each other. He doesn't want to talk to me, and I don't know what to say to him. Hermione growls impatiently, and turns to me.
"Harry, what you told us this evening isn't enough for us to understand. Ron may be more vocal about it, but both of us are hurt that you didn't tell us what was going on with you. How can you expect us to remain friends if you can't trust us with your problems?" Hermione's tone is gentle, but I wince at the words.
"It isn't that I don't trust you. Of course I trust you, you are my best friends and that will never change. But how could I expect you to understand? When Cedric died, it was because he was with me. That is the only reason. And if he died because he was with me, what guarantee do I have that the same won't happen to you? You are in danger because you are my friends. That was part of it. Part of why I didn't go to you. A lot of it is hard to explain. It was just feelings, mostly. Like being buried under this huge weight and knowing that you brought it on yourself. All I wanted was to end all of it, to make sure that I didn't hurt any one else. I don't think that you understand, and I don't know how to make you understand. That is another reason that I stayed with Snape. I didn't want to, at first, but he has been where I am now. He knew what I was feeling without me telling him. I know that I should have explained that to you, at least, I should have written and told you where I was, but... Have either of you really ever felt like the world would be a better place without you? Like you are single-handedly responsible for all the pain you see around you? Its all-consuming and terrifying and I couldn't think about anything else. And then exactly what I was afraid of happened today. I told you, and you didn't understand, and treated me as though I had intentionally caused you pain. I didn't. I never want you to think that I did."
I stop talking and look up cautiously. Hermione is in tears, and Ron is gently rubbing her back, attempting to comfort her. I don't look at Ron's face. I want to, but I can't. I don't want to be judged again, and I don't want to have him angry with me anymore. I'm tired, and the more I talk about this summer, the more I want to curl up in bed and pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. I have classes tomorrow, and I don't know if I will be able to get through them knowing that Ron is angry with me.
"Harry." Ron's tone is hesitant and unsure. I look up, and he takes a deep breath. "I've never seen you like this before. You are my best friend, and you are obviously not well. I'm sorry that I reacted the way I did to begin with, but... Well, its Snape, Harry! What do you want me to say? I don't like him, I won't lie to you. And I don't trust him. I'm furious with you for going to him instead of us, and I think that he is manipulating you for his own purposes. I won't pretend otherwise. The best that I can offer you is a promise to mind my own business and pretend that none of this happened." I nod, but I am far from satisfied. Ron is my friend, but so is Snape. I want to be able to talk to Ron and be myself with Ron, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. I am too tired to argue with him any more, and for tonight, I will compromise with him. Hermione smiles delightedly, and rushes over to hug me. I let her think that she has solved my problems, but offer a rather pointed yawn to get her out of my room. She laughs again and practically dances out of the door. Ron shoots another glance back at me, then follows her out. I pull on my pajamas and crawl into bed, desperate for a chance to just stop thinking. Ron and I are not back to normal, and I don't know how to fix that, but I do know that I am not willing to lose the kindness I have found in Snape because Ron can't get over a his childish prejudices.
