Chapter Two of Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin

Disclaimer: Severus Snape and all the characters of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me. Also, Ron's quote about Snape getting all sarcastic is taken from Men at Arms by Terry Pratchett. Good book; the Patrician reminds me a lot of Severus. Anyway, the special edition Death Eater clock does belong to me. If you're interested in it, say so in your review and I'll consider selling it to the highest bidder. I am not making any profit out of this story. It's merely for my own amusement, (and, hopefully, yours).

A/N: First of all, I apologize for posting this so late! Many of you probably don't even remember what was in Chapter One. Ah, well, we shall not go into the hell that is my life. Plus, I've rewritten this chapter about ten times. Anyways, I would just like to thank everyone who reviewed Chapter One, even those of you who reviewed when there really wasn't a story posted (minor technical error folks!). This chapter will focus on what the students and staff of Hogwarts feel about Severus's "new look," and how he deals with their reaction. Read, review, and, most of all, enjoy!

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"VOLDEMORT HAS JUST BEEN AWARDED THE TITLE OF"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" IN LATEST FASHION SHOW!" A shrill voice echoed around the room, piercing the silence.

Suddenly the occupant of the canopy bed opened his coal black eyes in shock and sat up slowly, black silk sheets falling to his waist. His pale, toned arms and the lean, hard stomach would surprise most of his students with their fitness. The man yawned, pushed aside the drapes, and surveyed the room with barely opened dark eyes.

Silver curtains, normally draped around the bed, are now gathered at the bedposts, on which carvings of serpents coil around the polished wooden posts. The color scheme of this room seems to be green, silver, and mostly black, and the only representations of nature are the numerous serpent carvings. An expensive black cauldron sits in one corner. In another corner a magical (it always stayed in tune) antique violin stands, accompanied by a tall musical stand and several books filled with classical violin pieces. Rich, ancient tapestries hang from the ceiling and adorn the bleak, stone walls. Covering the floor is a plush, black carpet. A large cedar bookshelf, filled with both Muggle and Magical literature, stands against one stone wall. A locked wooden cabinet, which held rare, as well as extremely dangerous, potions and ingredients, (as well at items Severus had absentmindedly placed in there and promptly forgotten), decorated the same wall as the bookshelf. Above it hangs a golden framed mirror, (which seemed out of place in the Gothic bedroom, and was obviously not put there by the present inhabitant). On the opposite wall is a large marble fireplace. Decorating its mantel are two silver candle holders, again decorated by winding serpents, in which two thick green candles had been placed. A plush leather armchair sat in front of the fire. It was, of course, black.

After a few moments of profuse yawning and eye blinking, the man's gaze fell upon the still shrieking magical alarm clock, which stood on a small table next to the canopy bed.

"VOLDEMORT-"

With a groan Severus Snape shut off the alarm. What a wonderful thing to wake up to every morning. I think it's time for a new message. After a few moments of careful consideration, he decided on a suitably nasty one. Snape tapped the clock with his wand, and changed the alarm to "Harry Potter has just been named king of the world, and for his first act our king has outlawed all forms of potion making. Long live the king!" He smirked. Now this will definitely cause me to wake up on time.

Removing his wand from under the pillow, he reactivated the alarm spell for six o'clock the next morning. Wait, six o'clock? I don't usually wake up until at least six thirty, at least when I take the potion. Severus looked at the clock, worried. It was six in the morning. Oh right, I have to take another shower. He sighed in irritation and ran a hand through his dark hair. Being sexy takes quite a lot of work.

Yawning, he placed his wand next to the small clock on the bedside table and reluctantly swung his feet off the bed and stood up. He lazily stretched and grabbed a black bathrobe to throw over his boxers. Severus padded across the carpet to the oak door that connected to his bathroom. He paused, (which was unusual, since Severus wasn't usually an indecisive person), and the small voice in the back of his head said, Are you sure you want to do this?

Severus raised an eyebrow. Weren't you just telling me yesterday what a great idea this is? When the voice did not reply, he shrugged. Too late now. I'm not changing, just my appearance. I won't have any fits of happiness or- he shuddered at the though- kindness. It will be worth it to see Albus have an apoplectic fit. His lips turned upwards in a smile, or what can be loosely termed a smile for a lack of a more appropriate phrase in the English language. This fight with his reason over, Severus stepped into the bathroom, an act that would change his life forever, (well, at least for a day or two).

Seven fifteen found the Potions Master carefully combing his hair. In the cabinet he had found an extremely dusty bottle of cologne, probably a present from some time in the past. When he was apparently satisfied with his hair, he placed the comb down and dubiously looked at the small bottle of cologne. Severus picked it up and put a bit on his hand, then cautiously sniffed it. Well, it doesn't smell...terrible. He carefully applied a small amount to his person, and glanced at the clock. Seven eighteen? Dammit, by the time I get to the Great Hall everyone will already be eating breakfast! (This was, of course, the author's point; a dramatic entrance.) He hurriedly grabbed his wand from the bedside table, took one last look in the mirror, and dramatically swept out of the room (quite unconsciously and with a natural grace), locking the doors (and placing various hexes on them) behind him.

************

"Minerva, I don't see Severus this morning."

"He may just be late."

Albus Dumbledore peered at her over his half moon glasses. "Severus Snape is almost never late."

How should I know what Severus is doing at seven twenty in the morning? "Yes, Severus is a very punctual person. Perhaps he, er, overslept?"

Albus raised a skeptical eyebrow. "I highly doubt it, but it is possible." He turned to Professor Grace, the beautiful (blond, witty, charming, etc.) DATDA professor. "Mary (Sue), would you be so kind as to pass me the sugar?"

Proffessor McGonagall sighed. I do hope Severus shows up. I get the feeling Albus didn't quite believe me last night. Not that I blame him, of course. Severus, sexy? She shuddered, and not just with horror. As long as You-Know-Who doesn't start volunteering at Muggle charities I think we'll be okay.

************

"I still can't believe Slytherin beat Ravenclaw!"

Harry Potter shrugged as he reached for a piece of toast. "Malfoy actually caught the Snitch for once. It's a new world record. They did get two new chasers, who actually have a small amount more skill than muscle. Still, with our talent and all that extra practice"-he made a face-"we'll cream them. Our new keeper will have no problem with their Chasers, right Hermione?" He addressed the question to the brown haired girl sitting next to him, who was staring fixedly at her Charms book and pouring fruit punch into her porridge.

Hermione Granger looked up distractedly at the unwelcome interruption in her last minute studies. "What keeper?" She put the fruit punch down, looked at her porridge, and instead grabbed a piece of toast. Ron threw her a hurt look. "I was joking Ron! I know you're the keeper, you've talked about nothing else for the past month or so! Anyway, is Quidditch all you two think about?"

Harry and Ron exchanged a bemused glance. "Is school work all you think about?" Ron countered. "Really, you've brought your Charms book to breakfast!"

Hermione snorted. "Unlike some people, I wanted to do some last minute studying for the exam today."

"Yeah, just what I-" Ron paused, and swallowed nervously. "An exam, today? Um, Hermione, friend, would you mind if I borrowed that?"

Hermione tried not to laugh. "Of course you can Ron." She handed him her book, and poured herself a glass of orange juice.

Harry rolled his eyes at his friend's behavior. "Perhaps we should brew you an anti-forget fullness potion."

"Yeah, yeah." Ron waved a distracted hand, eyes glued to the textbook. "I only have fifteen minutes left. We've got Charms after Double Potions."

"Well, you could try studying in Potions."

Hermione looked up from her breakfast, shocked. "Harry, he can't do that! Think about how much trouble he could get in! And what if he misses something important?"

"Something important, in Snape's class?" Harry smiled slightly at the look on her face. "Yes, Hermione, I know all the subjects we study are very important." Hermione nodded and looked appeased. "Except for Potions, that is. When are we ever going to use some of the stuff Snape teaches us? Oh, hello Mr. Death Eater, please don't kill me right now, I can recite the ingredients of a Paralysis potions."

Hermione opened her mouth to answer, but Ron finally looked up from the book and cut in. "Studying in Snape's class? Are you mad?" Harry didn't reply. "You know how Snape gets when people do other work in his class. He gets all," here Ron shuddered, "sarcastic. Then again, I guess I don't have much of a choice. If he catches me and goes berserk, at least send what's left of me to my parents for a decent burial."

Hermione calmly took a sip of her juice and was staring at the entrance to the Great Hall (mentally running over the material one last time) when she suddenly spit out the mouthful all over her fruit punch covered porridge.

"Harry, Ron," she said out of the corner of her mouth, still not taking her eyes from the entrance. "Professor Snape, he, he..."

The two boys suddenly realized that it had suddenly become very quiet. They turned and saw the Potions Master leaning casually against the door frame and gazing at the Hall with an unreadable expression in his midnight black eyes. Harry gasped, and Ron's eyes bulged.

Ron was the first to break the silence. He leaned slowly towards Harry and carefully kept his voice to a low whisper. "Can someone tell me what the bloody hell happened to Snape?"

************

Amazing, Severus thought. For once the entire student body is silent. He looked around the hall, noticing the stares and gasps from the students as well as the staff. Score one for Severus. Only two people were not staring at him in blank wonder. Their gazes held something closer to approval. Minerva and Albus...go figure. His gaze met Albus's for a second, and he noticed an odd twinkle in the other man's clear blue eyes (ie not the usual odd twinkle Albus must have spent hours perfecting,) and a crafty smile on his face. Severus frowned. I'm not sure I like the looks of that...

After standing in the doorway for what seemed like hours (well, actually this is untrue; but hours sound much more dramatic than seconds) Severus slowly made his way toward his usual seat at the staff table. All the students turned their heads to watch his progress, and suddenly whispers broke out across the Hall.

"What happened to Snape?"

"I didn't know he was so handsome!"

"I think he's an impostor. Snape would never go near a shower, much less a pair of scissors!"

"Maybe it's some sort of prank."

"That's it! Someone put the Imperious curse on him and made him wash his hair!"

"Why would anyone risk Azcaban just to do a stupid thing like that?"

"We've got the best looking Head of House."

"Wow, he's really sexy. For a Professor, that is."

Snape shook his head sadly as he took his seat at the table. He was sitting in his usual place, between Albus and the DATDA teacher. What's her name again? Oh yes, Professor Grace. Mary Grace. He gave her a quick sideways glance. She batted her eyelashes at him and smiled in an (at least she thought so) appealing manner. Snape quelled the urge to be sick. Can't stand the woman. She's too...nice. And perfect. And a Gryffindor if I ever saw one. He risked a glance up and down the staff table. At least the professors have the grace not to talk about me like I'm not there. Their manners seem to end there though. Many were staring at him like he had just announced he had just proposed to Potter or done something equally ridiculous and out of character. A few of the more subtle staff members (the ex-Slytherins and ex-Ravenclaws) were shooting glances at him when they thought he wasn't looking. I've never gotten so much non-hostile attention.

Severus calmly poured himself a cup of tea and scowled into the depths of the murky brown liquid. I hope they don't think I've gone under some type of reformation just because I altered my appearance. A voice interrupted his glaring match with the cup of tea.

"Severus, would you mind passing me the sugar?"

He turned to look at Albus Dumbledore, who was sitting with an innocent expression on his face. Snape nodded slightly and reached for the blue china sugar cup on the table between him and Grace. He handed the cup to Albus, who began spooning sugar into his tea.

The Headmaster began speaking softly to him, still spooning sugar. "Mary was about to pass me the sugar, but she became somewhat-" he smiled, and coughed slightly, "-distracted at your arrival." Albus turned to him and looked him up and down. This is too close to the undressing-with-eyes look for comfort. "Understandably, of course." He handed the sugar to Minerva and took a sip of his tea, his attention (seemingly) no longer focused upon Snape.

Severus resisted the urge to utter a puzzled "What do you mean by that?". Was Albus just trying to hit on me? Severus shook his head vehemently, (mentally, of course. Many by now probably doubted his sanity; muttering and shaking his head would not help matters). His mind rebelled at the idea that had just been introduced to it. He was most likely merely stating his approval of the fact that I am "cleaning myself up." Yes, that was it.

The Potions Master ate breakfast quickly, wanting to be out of the Great Hall as soon as possible. It's very disconcerting having so many peoples' attentions focused on you. Well, at least no one has called me any annoying and strangely sentimental nicknames. He pushed his plate back, took a sip of tea, and prepared to go. Before he had the chance to escape without any more conversation, Albus leaned over toward him.

"You will be at the staff meeting today, right Sev?"

Sev? Dear Slytherin, I think I jinxed myself. Well, I suppose it could be worse. "Of course I will, Headmaster."

Albus grinned at him. "Okay. See you there Sevvie."

Severus sat in shock for a second, but his renowned self control took over. "Yes...See you there Albus," he said weakly, standing up before another professor could engage him in "polite conversation." Sevvie? Dear Slytherin, Albus has finally gone mad, Severus thought as he strode towards the sanctuary of his dungeons. His shock caused him to miss the crowd of twenty of so males and females, from a variety of houses, that happened to be following him.

"He's finally gone crazy," Severus muttered as he stalked to the dungeons. Completely mad, he mentally continued. Off his rocker. Loony, all of 'em. All I do is clean up a bit and suddenly people are ogling me, winking and calling me Sevvie. He leaned against the cool dungeon door and sighed. Why me?

Severus suddenly became aware of a large group of students fixedly staring at him. "Oh, bugger," Snape swore under his breath as he fumbled with the door handle, glaring at the students in a futile attempt to scare them away. They just continued to stare, like a group of deer caught in headlights, and Snape thought he saw the flash of a camera go off.

"Don't you have more important places to be, such as class?" the Potions Master snarled, then quickly stepped through the doorway and shut it on the gaping mass. Their object of adoration gone, the crowd began to disperse.

Inside, Snape began to pace the classroom. Suddenly he groaned, and his inattention caused him to walk into a desk. I've got the Gryffindor/Slytherin fifth years first thing this morning! Damn.

Of course he would teach class as he normally did, in order to show the students his "new look" did not mean a change in attitude. This meant he would be as sarcastic as possible towards the Gryffindors, taking numerous points off in the process. At least the class will be quiet today, although I don't know how much attention they'll be paying to their potions. With a wave of one pale, slim hand a piece of chalk began writing the potions ingrediants for the upcoming lesson on the blackboard. Severus walked over to the door and slowly opened it for his next class. Relieved to find the students gone, he propped open the door and walked back to his desk.

Snape took the fifteen minutes before class started to finish grading the surprise test he had given yesterday. He was extremely surprised when Draco Malfoy, his two goons, and Pansy Parkinson showed up for class a few minutes later. No one had ever been this early for his lessons, at least not of their own will. They were followed by the "Three Musketeers" two minutes later. Snape glared at them as they entered. How very, very odd.

************

"I can't believe we're coming to Potions this early," Ron muttered as they walked towards the dungeons.

"I can't believe Snape actually went within ten feet of a shower."

"Oh, stop it you two," Hermione admonished. "He's a professor. Besides," she added with a wicked grin, "I always thought he would be decent looking under all that grease."

The boys gave her odd looks. "Right, Hermione, I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Ron replied.

"Hey, looks like we're not the only ones," Harry whispered as they saw Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy sitting in front of Snape's desk and whispering.

"Well, where do we sit?" Hermione asked.

Curiosity combating their intense dislike of Snape, they chose seats in the middle of the room. The trio sat down and Ron pulled out Hermione's Charms textbook.

"I heard Snape was madly in love with Professor Grace and he's trying to get her attention," Ron whispered to Harry while pretending to study a Levitation Charm.

Harry raised an eyebrow and glanced at Snape. The professor was sitting at his desk grading, a slight frown on his face. "Snape, madly in love? C'mon Ron, you know how rumors spread. Next thing you know he'll be having wild nights of passion with Dumbledore."

Ron grinned. "Well, actually-"

Harry clapped his hands over his ears in horror. "Too much information!" They both chuckled. "You know," said Harry slowly, "Snape isn't bad looking now. Without all the grease, that is."

Ron looked at him blankly, and nodded. "Yeah, I guess...but he's still a sadistic git."

Harry grinned. "I don't think anything could make him be nice to us, right Hermione?" He turned to his friend, expecting her to be immersed in some "light reading." Instead, she was staring at Snape with a faraway expression. "Hermione?" She didn't respond. Harry grinned. "Hermione, Snape and Malfoy are going to run away together and open a strip club. They want you to be their manager."

Hermione waved a dismissive hand. "That's ni-Harry!"

Ron and Harry gave her mock innocent looks. "It's not our fault you staring at the teacher instead of paying attention," Ron teased, looking up from her Charm's textbook which he had been studying moments ago.

Hermione's pale cheeks flushed slightly red. "I was NOT staring at Snape!" she protested loudly.

The Slytherins and Gryffindors (who had arrived soon after them) sitting near the trio all gave Hermione odd looks. Luckily, neither Snape nor Malfoy had heard, (Malfoy was sitting in the front row with the same expression on his face that Hermione had moments ago). Hermione turned scarlet and ducked behind her copy of Hogwarts: A History.

Harry grinned cheekily at his embarrassed friend. "Of course not, Hermione."

Ron leaned towards Harry and stage whispered, "It's Lockhardt all over again." The boys burst out laughing, earning a disapproving glare from Snape. Hermione slammed Hogwarts: A History down on her desk, grabbed a quill and parchment, and began to copy down the potion recipe on the blackboard.

As the last of the Slytherins and Gryffindors took their seats, Snape glanced around in what looked like surprise, and stood up. When he spoke, his voice was as cold and bitter as it had ever been.

"Seeing as, for some odd and inexplicable reason," Harry thought he saw Snape grimace here, "everyone is astonishingly early to class, we may as well begin. Please copy down the recipe for the Truthfulness potion on the board, if you have not already." The students continued to stare at him for a moment, mesmerized by his soft, silky voice. "Well, what are you waiting for?" Snape sneered harshly at his class.

When the students had, for the most part, finished copying down the recipe, Snape asked if anyone knew what the Truthfulness Potion was. He sighed as he saw none of his Slytherins knew the answer. "Yes, Ms. Gra-," Snape turned toward Hermione and froze in shock. For the first time in his experience of teacher her, Hermione wasn't waving her hand around like a madwoman. He gulped. "Miss Granger?"

Hermione shook her head slightly, and looked at Snape nervously. "Er...I'm sorry sir, I didn't hear the question."

"You, you didn't hear the question?" Snape repeated in disbelief. Granger looked down at her feet, ashamed. Snape wished he had windows in the dungeons, so he could check if any pigs had flown by. "You didn't hear the question?" He paused in shock. "Right. Now, do you know anything about the Truthfulness Potion?"

Hermione brightened. "Oh, yes sir. It is a milder form of Veritaserum. The Truthfulness Potion does not compel the person to tell the truth; it can, in fact, be resisted by the very strong of mind. While it is not as strong, the potion does not have the unfortunate side effects of Veritaserum."

Snape nodded. "Thank you, Miss Granger. However, ten points from Gryffindor. I expect you to pay attention during class. That goes for you too, Mr. Weasley." Snape walked over to Ron and plucked Hermione's textbook from under the desk. "Believe it or not, this class is not a study period. It is not my fault that you and Mr. Potter choose to run around wreaking havoc instead of earning your grades like most students." He walked over to his desk and placed the book in a drawer.
"You may retrieve that from me at the end of the day, which is when you will be serving your detention."

Ron turned a bright shade of red. "Sadistic git," he muttered to Harry.

"I heard that, Mr. Weasley. Would you like to make that two nights of detention? No? Good. Now," he turned and strode back and forth, while still looking at the class, "shall we continue? You are free to partner with whoever you wish-" The potions master noticed the relief on the student's faces, and the badly concealed grins. He smiled; a thin, evil smile. My own brilliance surprises me at times. "-with a member of the opposite house, of course," he continued smoothly, sneering as the hopeful expressions turned to dismay. The Slytherins and Gryffindors looked back and forth nervously. None of the students were willing to make the first move.

"Since you seem to have lost the ability to move, I will be choosing for you." Snape's eyes glittered with what on any other person would be mischief. "Potter and Malfoy, Weasley and Crabbe, Miss Patil and Zabini. Miss Granger and Longbottom, for all of our safety..."

As he had finished pairing up everyone, and the students were relocating to sit next to their partners, Severus sat down to finish grading the tests. The only one left was Miss Granger's. Why don't I just give her a hundred and get it over with? That girl is so perfect it's sickening.

************

"Potter," said Draco coldly, as Harry approached his table.

"Malfoy," nodded Harry frigidly.

"I can't believe Snape paired me with the likes of you," spat Malfoy. Both Harry and Draco glanced at their professor.

"I'm just about as happy with it as you are," said Harry morosely. "Then again, Snape has gone through somewhat of a...transformation."
Malfoy nodded in agreement. "I'll go collect our ingrediants Potter. You sit and make yourself look useful."

"I think I'll help, thanks." Malfoy shrugged indifferently, and Harry stood up and followed him to the ingrediants cabinet. They both returned to their table, arms full of bottles, and dumped them on the tabletop.

"Alright Potter, you start slicing the newts eyes, and I'll crush the snake scales," Malfoy ordered. Harry, not wanting to cause a confrontation, silently agreed and began to slice.

After they had finished, Draco began adding the ingrediants. Harry grabbed his arm and hissed, "At least let me do something."

Draco sneered as Harry let go of his arm. "As I said before, sit and make yourself look useful. I, for one, do not want to fail this potion."

Harry grimaced. "I'm not that bad at Potions."

Malfoy sneered at him. "Of course not, Potter. Now, let's compare my average in this class and yours. That's why I'm making the potion."

"That's just because you suck up to Snape so much he has no choice but to give you a high grade."

The pale Slytherin carefully added the last ingredient and turned to Harry with a sly smile. "All right, if you want to help so much you can stir the potion. I'm going to do my Astrology homework."

Harry gritted his teeth and began stirring angrily, the potion coming dangerously close to sloshing over the edge of the cauldron. This was why Harry didn't notice when Snape walked right up behind him.

"Mr. Potter, what on Earth are you doing?"

************

The Potions Master had finished grading, and was striding around the room, noting the students' progress. He was in a rather bad mood (well, worse than normal), since the students had started asking him idiotic, pointless questions just so he would come over and they could ogle him up close. Is it supposed to be this color? He sneered as he strode around the classroom. Could you show me how to do this? How many salamander eyes do you add at a time? His eyes fell on Longbottom's cauldron, and their contents caused him to sigh wearily. That boy is hopeless. Voldemort won't kill me, Neville will one day in class. Cause of death: Love Potion Gone Wrong. Neville was adding newt eyes to the potion, while Hermione was measuring the necessary amount of armadillo bile.

"Longbotton, Longbottom," he chided. "How many times must I tell you to add the ingrediants one by one, slowly and carefully, not to throw them in all at once? Do any of my words penetrate that thick skull of yours? Are you trying to kill us all?"

Neville was frozen with terror. "S-s-sorry Professor," he stuttered.

Hermione sighed. "Here, give them to me Neville."

Neville nodded and tried to hand them to Hermione, but his shaking hand caused him to drop his handful of newt eyes into the potion. The potion began to bubble ominously. Snape cursed softly and grabbed ten rat tails. He threw them into the cauldron and slowly stirred the mixture. The potion stopped bubbling, and turned a dark brown color.

"There, I've neutralized the potion. Longbottom, ten points from Gryffindor and detention tonight for your carelessness." Snape paused. Neville didn't look particularly unhappy. He frowned. "With Filch." Neville sighed and Hermione patted him on the back sympathetically. Detention with me no longer scares them. This is getting bad.

"Empty your cauldron. I expect you both to deliver me a bottle of Truthfulness Potion Saturday, brewed on your own time." Snape turned away with a sigh. He noticed Potter across the room, stirring his potion like it was Voldemort personified. He smoothly swept over and stood behind the boy.

"Mr. Potter, what on Earth are you doing?" Harry stopped stirring and turned around to look Snape in the eye.

"Stirring the potion, sir."

"Let me share a secret with you Potter. Stirring Potions is not a good stress reliever, nor is it effective anger management. Go see Poppy for that." He grabbed the wooden ladle, not noticing Harry's hand was still clutching it. "Like this Potter," he moved the ladle in circles. "Counter clock wise and slowly." Severus noticed that Harry was oddly tensed. He suddenly realized that he wasn't gripping smooth, polished wood. Instead, he was holding a sweaty, fifteen year old hand. Damn. Snape let go of Harry's hand quickly, and curled his own at his side. "Continue, Mr. Potter," he said coldly, and walked towards his desk.

Severus sat down and grimaced at the look in Harry's eyes. As if I would want to have a relationship with a student, and Potter no less. He saw Harry slowly stirring the potion with a faraway look in his eyes. I bet he doesn't wash his hand for the next week. Snape saw the Gryffindor look at Draco, and readied himself to take points off Gryffindor for the eventual fight that was about to break out. However, Draco did not make the scathing remark Severus had expected. Instead, he smiled slightly, and Snape heard him say softly "Next time, I get to stir the potion."

Malfoy was just polite to Potter. He frowned slightly, puzzled. How very, very odd. The high, chiming noise of the bell interrupted his thoughts. "Bottle your potions and place them in the cabinet." He waved his hand in the direction of the door. "Out with you, you miserable children."

The students began filing out of the room, some hitting the door frame as a result of trying to exit the room and stare at Snape at the same time. Somewhere in the darkness of the dungeons, a camera went off. Severus narrowed his eyes and jumped to his feet. "Alright, WHO WAS THAT?!" he yelled. The few remaining students ran out of the room in the face of Snape's wrath. If that picture shows up in next week's edition of Witch Weekly, someone is going to pay.

************

Snape slammed the classroom door for the second time that day. Dinner had been even worse than breakfast. I should've just stayed here like I did for lunch. Hunger had driven him to the hall, but Severus found he could tolerate the admiring glances and whispers less and less as the day progressed. The professor was so enraged he almost tripped over a large pile of parchment on the threshold. What the-? He reached down and picked up one addressed to "Professor Snape" in green ink. Curiously, he opened the paper, and almost dropped it in shock. A...love letter? I've never gotten one of these in my entire life, he thought in shock. And now I have about twenty of them. Gracefully he bent down and scooped up all the declarations of undying love into his arms. With a small chuckle he turned and sauntered, (yes, folks, sauntered!) through his office into his quarters.

A small fire burned in the hearth. Severus made a mental note to thank the house elves. He practically threw himself into the armchair and spread the parchment across his lap. Rubbing his hands together like a child surrounded by Christmas gifts, he contemplated the carefully worded pieces of blackmail in front of him. Hm...which to open first? He selected one at random. It had a rather nice poem at the beginning (if you were into poems and all that romantic nonsense) and a note at the bottom to meet the sender at midnight in the Astronomy tower. Severus sighed in disappointment. What a shame....there's no name on it. Oh well, next one. He opened one from Ginny Weasley, and quickly scanned its contents. She has a deep attraction to me and wishes to get to know the "real Severus", instead of the cruel, callous front I put on to shield myself from emotional hurt....how very, very sweet. He rolled his eyes and placed Miss Weasley's letter in the "blackmail" pile. That's why you never send a Slytherin a love letter, he thought wryly as he opened the next letter. It was from Draco Malfoy, and extremely short and to the point. You're attractive, my father's rich, lets have sex sometime. He rolled his eyes. What did I expect? I knew I was his favorite teacher....but I thought that was just because of my extreme preference of the Slytherin House. Oh well. He placed Draco's letter in the blackmail category also. Some leverage against Lucius. Next was Ms. Granger's letter. She's attracted to me intellectually as well as physically. Figures. Miss know-it-all Granger would never form a relationship with anyone who didn't have the Hogwart's library memorized and who couldn't talk philosophy and quantum physics with her. Which, I suppose, leaves out all of her peers.

The next letter was on plain white paper, carefully folded with "Severus" written on the outside. Inquisitively he unfolded it and perused the contents. What he read caused his eyes to widen and his face to twist in a mixture of shock and disgust. Potter? he thought venomously. I despise that unpleasant child, and here he tells me he is "saddened that my hatred of his father has prejudiced our relationship" and he confessed he is "attracted to me against his will and wishes to get to know the real me"??? Potter is a brat and a naive boy, and he knows how much I loathe him. He growled and almost threw the letters into the fire. Instead, he summoned a locked trunk and carefully placed the letters inside for further reading. As amusing as those four declarations were, I don't think I can stomach any more of them tonight.

The clock on the mantelpiece suddenly chimed eight times. It was an elegant and extremely expensive green and silver piece of work decorated by realistic snake carvings and the Slytherin crest. The bottom of the clock read "World Domination Tour" in flowing script and had two dates inscribed under it. It was a Christmas present from Lucius Malfoy. Suddenly a hatch popped open and a small platform shot out. A realistic miniature death eater, (complete with the robes and a small wand), strode out, yelled "Death to the Mudbloods," turned, and walked back in. It did this every hour, on the hour. Severus had been quite amused by the unconventional gift.

The potions master swore as he looked at the time. Thanks to those amusing declarations of true love, he would be late to the staff meeting. He sighed. Now I'm going to be late for another pointless staff meeting. Albus will think I'm trying to skip the meetings again. He gets so upset when I "had to finish an important potion" and miss the first half an hour. Then Severus remembered that Binns was giving a speech about strategies to keep the students' attention in class. Perhaps I'm better off missing a couple of minutes at the beginning. He went to the bathroom and ran a comb through his hair. Make that half an hour.

Ten minutes later he was striding down the hallways, and arrogant look on his face and his midnight black robes billowing behind him. He was very proud of his walk, it was both sexy and intimidating. As he passed, seventh year girls swooned and had to be caught by their scowling boyfriends. Colin Creevy was selling photographs of a new and improved Snape to a mob of students. Severus snarled as he passed the Gryffindor . I'll deal with him later. He noticed that one girl had bought about twenty photographs, and was distributing them to a large group of girls. They were all wearing some type of pin. Deciding that his peripheral vision wasn't enough, Severus turned in mid-step and focused his attention on a sixth year Ravenclaw. She gasped and looked as if she was about to faint. Or swoon. Snape himself almost fainted when he was able to read the pin the girl had on her robes. It was a green heart, with black letters in the middle that said "SS Appreciation Society." By now all the girls were staring at him with hungry, intent gazes. Coloring slightly, he glared haughtily at the group. This seemed to have the opposite affect that he had intended, because all the students stared at him like love struck cows. Severus growled in frustration, causing several of them to faint in delight, turned very quickly, and strode down the hallway away from the group. Very fast.

This turned out to be a mistake. A small, quickly moving mass rounded the corner at a sprint and ran smack into Severus. Unbalanced, Severus fell with the unknown perpetrator on top of him. Severus looked up and glared. Harry Potter. I should have known. Severus was about to say something biting, but stopped in puzzlement when he noticed the youth had not scrambled off of him and run as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Harry's face was a few inches from Severus' own, and the youth had a misty eyed look about him. Oh, for heaven's sake.

"Mr. Potter," Snape said in a venomous tone that would frighten most adults, "Get. Up. Off. Me."

Harry shook his head slightly, and his eyes widened. The frightened teenager practically leapt up off his professor, and took of running in the other direction, not even bothering to help Snape up.

"Thirty points from Gryffindor!" Severus yelled after the Gryffindor. He gracefully rose, and began walking at an even faster place towards his safe haven, the staff room.

Upon finally reaching his destination, the shaken man leaned heavily against the door. After a few seconds of deep breathing and contemplation of putting a memory charm on himself so he would forget today, he slowly turned the door knob and stealthily slipped inside. Most of the staff were sprawled in their chairs exhibiting varying levels of boredom. Flitwick had his head on the table and seemed to be snoring softly. Dumbledore was sucking on a lemon drop and writing notes on a piece of parchment. Probably playing tic-tac-toe, Severus thought with a snort. Minerva was reading a copy of Witch Weekly under the table. Hagrid's gigantic head rested in his hands, and his eyes had a faraway look. I'd bet he's thinking about those new creatures he got last week. Vector and Madame Hooch were making bets about the upcoming Slytherin-Gryffindor match. Sprout was writing out a list of supplies she needed for classes, and futilely attempting to clean the dirt out of her fingernails. Mary Grace was the only one paying attention; she had a rapt look on her doll-like face as she listened to the ghost. Severus blanched. She even pays attention to Binns! It's difficult to understand how anyone can stand her. She's too...perfect.

Thanks to Binns, none of the staff seemed to notice his late entrance. He glided around the table and stopped at his regular seat, which was to the Headmaster's left. The headmaster looked up and mock frowned. Snape could almost hear him saying "Late again, Severus. Tsk, tsk. Missing an important lecture, to top it off...". He took his seat and rolled his eyes in Binns' direction. Albus grinned at him, and went back to tic-tac-toe. Minerva was sitting on his right, absorbed in her magazine. Severus peered over her shoulder.

"What a fascinating piece of literature. 'What men really want: six wizards reveal all'?" he said quietly with obvious distaste.

McGonagall looked up in shock. She stared at him for a few seconds, then recovered. "Those of us who show up on time have to amuse ourselves as best as we can." She shrugged casually. "This was lying on the table when I came in. Someone probably confiscated it last week and left it here."

"Oh, is that why you're sitting in Flitwick's seat? Because the magazine was over here?" Snape asked innocently.

Minerva blushed slightly and looked away. "Oh. Um...am I really? Well, I...er...had to find a place where I could read this magazine without being too obvious. I didn't think about it, really."

Uh huh, Snape said to himself.

Mercifully, at that moment Binns chose to wrap up his tirade. Professor Grace began clapping enthusiastically, which woke up any of the sleeping staff members. Flitwick looked up, blinked confusingly, then beamed and began to clap. The rest of the staff followed with polite applause that was more out of a relief that Binns was finished than any regard for what he had just said.

"Thank you very much," said Dumbledore politely. "Now, onto business. Next weeks trip to Hogsmeade is still on. There has not been any indication of a Death Eater attack," here almost everyone unconsciously shifted their gaze to Snape, who gritted his teeth, "but I have asked a few Aurors to patrol the town regardless." Oh, goody. I feel so much safer with a group of stuck up, wand-ready Gryffindors keeping the peace, Severus thought to himself. "I have a feeling that if we did cancel this excursion we would have a student rebellion on our hands," Albus added with a grin. "Any objections?" The table was silent. "Suggestions?"

"Students should be required to travel in groups of at least two," quipped McGonagall from beside Severus.

"Excellent suggestion Minerva. Any more?"

"Maybe all the teachers should come and each of them could escort a large group around. It would be like a field trip!!!!" said Mary with a dazzling smile. "And we could have a picnic on the grounds after we returned, and-"

Severus rolled his eyes. While Albus may be one of the most brilliant wizards this century, he is certainly not a very good judge of character. He decided to interrupt this babbling before she got too carried away. "This is not a field trip. It's an afternoon where the students can relieve tension by doing god knows what. I have no desire to baby-sit a group of hormonal brats, and I'm sure they feel the exact same way about me. We might as well cancel this trip if you feel the need to impose such idiotic rules-ouch!"

Severus glared at Albus, who had just kicked him under the table. The Headmaster merely smiled innocently and sucked on a lemon drop. The staff looked at the pair in confusion.

"That was a very good idea Mary," Albus began, but was interrupted when Severus was suddenly overtaken by a rather violent coughing fit. Minerva smirked and patted him gently on the back. Albus quelled the urge to roll his eyes and continued. "-but it does not seem plausible. Thank you for you input."

Mary's dainty face crinkled for a moment as she attempted to understand why her brilliant idea was rejected, but a second later she gave up and smiled prettily.

"Now, who is willing to accompany the students to Hogsmeade this weekend?" The only response Albus received to his question was a general avoidance of his gaze and much twiddling of thumbs. Besides Mary's frantically waving hand, of course. "Anyone at all?"

"I'll go Albus!!" Mary's use of multiple exlamation marks was beginning to worry Severus. No sane person would be that enthusiastic.

"All right, that's one volunteer." Albus looked around with a slight, predatory grin.

Oh, no. He wouldn't dare; he knows how much I hate that woman. Albus would never-

"Severus and Minerva, why don't you accompany Mary?"

Albus' statement was met with sighs of relief. Except for, of course, the two unfortunate teachers forced into wasting a day with "a group of hormonal brats" (as Severus termed them) and a woman who's idea of fun was probably catching butterflies and knitting socks for the brave Aurors fighting against evil. Minerva sighed in disgust and flipped to page 78 to take the quiz. Severus groaned dramatically and laid his head upon the table. After a few moments of quiet reflection, he reached the conclusion that Albus was a sadist. I'll get back at him for this, he promised himself. Becoming bored with self pity and future revenge, Severus leaned over for the second time that day and looked at Minerva's magazine. I really should have brought a book. The quiz was entitled "Who's the perfect wizard for you?"

"So," he asked with a smirk, "who is the perfect wizard for you? Hagrid? Flitwick? Albus?"

"I'll see in a second," Minerva replied, clearly irritated, while she counted up her score. Flitwick was babbling on about student achievement, but Severus ignored him. "There we go. 'This man is your intellectual equal, although he and you are opposites'."

"Well, I suppose that discounts Hagrid." Minerva elbowed him sharply in the ribs. "What is it, abuse Severus day?" he asked helplessly, rubbed his bruised side.

Minerva continued reading, oblivious to Snape's complaints. "He is tall, dark, and rather handsome. This is a person you've overlooked before, but you may begin to see him in a new light." Severus noticed her ears had turned a slight shade of pink. "Your dream guy is a private person, and might have some emotional walls that you need to break down." Severus almost grimaced as Minerva continued to describe a person that was begin to have an uncanny resemblance to himself. This is not turning out to be a good day. A searing pain suddenly seized his left arm. His thin, elegant hands curled into fists. And it just got a whole lot worse.

"Albus, could I please see you outside for a moment?" he asked, cutting off Flitwick.

Albus looked at his potions master carefully, then nodded. "If you'll excuse us," he said politely to the staff, standing up and gesturing for Severus to do the same.

Severus ignored the raised eyebrows and confused looks as he and Albus exited the room. Yes, I'm planning to seduce the Headmaster so he will let me leave this god-awful meeting. He smirked at the reaction that would produce. I'm not that desperate to leave.

After Albus closed the door, Severus gripped his forearm in pain. "Let me hazard a guess," Albus said . "That would be Voldemort?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "You astound me with you genius, Albus." His face contorted in pain. "Why can't the Dark Lord use owls like bloody everyone else?"

Albus chuckled. "I imagine that snake of his would eat them." The older wizard suddenly grew serious. "Take care of yourself, Severus."

Snape rolled his eyes. "You say that to me every single time I leave, Albus." He sighed at the look on the older wizard's face. "If it makes you feel any better, I shall try."

Albus nodded and handed Severus his Death Eater cloak and mask, which he had just summoned. With a fatherly pat of encouragement Albus turned and went back into the staff room, closing the door gently behind him. I'm off to see the Dark Lord, Severus thought as he cast a simple invisibility spell on himself. The terrible Dark Lord who's probably going to torture me in many interesting and horrific ways before leaving me to die...He shook his head as he walked down the stone corridors towards the school's entrance. Song writing is definitely not one of my talents.

The doors to the school silently opened a fraction and closed as the invisible Severus walked to what was assuredly his own demise. Whenever he walked away from a meeting with the Dark Lord Severus felt as if he'd narrowly escaped a brush with death. At the edge of the school grounds, the potions master removed the invisibility spell and looked upon the magnificent castle that housed Britain's only hope for a peaceful future. In that case, I feel very sorry for future generations. His wand raised in a mock salute, Severus apparated away to deal with a temperamental Dark Lord and his fanatical cult. What a wonderful day it had turned out to be.