Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin: Chapter 3
A/N: Well, well, well....again, sorry folks, I know this took a very long time. However, I do have an excuse this time! I lost the notebook that had this entire chapter written in it....so I had to write it all over again, from scratch. That was not fun. Anyway, read, enjoy, and review.
Disclaimer: None of the characters below are mine. Also, this chapter, along with most of my work, is heavily influenced by Terry Pratchett (I guess that's what happens when you read his books constantly...). Very funny man, Mr. Pratchett. Severus' thought that "Multiple exclamation marks...the sure sign of an insane mind" is an almost direct quotation from one of his books, (I believe the books is Maskerade). Also, "..(good for every occasion! Birthday parties included.) ---that quote was inspired by Traci. So, basically, I'm really not as witty as you may think I am. ;).
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Snape apparated into a dark, claustrophobic room that smelled strongly of dust and, for some odd reason, expensive cologne. The small enclosure was covered in cobwebs and mold. A cockroach the size of Severus' hand scuttled by next to his foot. Typical Dark Lord Trick, trying to inspire fear by one's surroundings. Well, it takes much more than a bad cleaning job to intimidate Severus Snape.
He froze when an arm reached around his neck, the owner's wand gently pressing into the hollow of this throat. Severus gulped. Ah, now something like this would be enough to do it.
"Name?" asked a flat, pitiless voice that you would definitely not want to meet alone in a dark alley.
His fears vanished when Severus heard the aristocratic drawl, (and placed the cologne as being Armani for Wizards). "Severus Snape, you pompous fool. Has the Master finally entrusted you with his personal security, or is this an attempt on revenge because I could not attend your Christmas party this year?"
Lucius chuckled and removed his wand. "Neither, old friend. I was merely suspicious. Our Lord has never had two of us apparate into the same room."
"Maybe he's run out of broom closets," Severus said dryly.
"That wit of yours is going to land you into trouble one day."
"Thank you for your concern, Luc. Until then, I live to amuse." He made a mocking half bow.
"Speaking of Christmas parties, it has been quite a while since you have visited," stated "Luc" in a mildly reproving tone.
"I deeply regret missing your annual Christmas celebration. Our Master turning three of his servants into pillars of liquid fire must've been quite an impressive site."
"Yes." Lucius agreed absentmindedly, while he looked for the random underling who should have been waiting to show them to the Meeting Room (no, Voldemort wasn't very good with making up names) "It was hell to clean up afterwards. I did warn them not to buy him those Harry Potter socks."
There was a long and thoughtful pause.
"They really bought him-"
"Yes."
"What idiots."
"Mhm. At least they didn't have a chance to give him The Idiot's Guide to Being a Dark Lord."
"I think he owns it already."
Lucius glanced around worriedly. "Sev, that was very nearly treason."
Severus smirked underneath his mask. "I have nothing but the deepest respect and love of our Master."
"Uh-huh." Severus knew Lucius wondered about his loyalty sometimes, but he didn't say anything, and Severus never mentioned to Albus or the Ministry all those interesting objects in the basement of Malfoy Manor. It was a mutually beneficial friendship (as all Slytherin friendships tended to be).
Lucius drummed his fingers against the wall impatiently, then decided to revert to his favorite subject, (no, not the Dark Arts, the superiority of pure bloods, or polka dancing). "I am moderately pleased with Draco's progress in school."
Severus mentally groaned. You think Lucius would take the hint by now that I do not enjoy discussing his spoiled son. "Draco is quite a brilliant young man."
"Indeed. It is quite disappointing, however, that he continues to be second to that mudblood Granger."
However much I hate to admit it, that annoying know-it-all may be one of the most brilliant witches Hogwarts has seen in the past hundred years. He decided to settle with a noncommittal, "Gryffindor favoritism."
"Yes, I have been meaning to-"
"Ahem." The hesitant cough indicated that the speaker could see two people ranked about him were having a private conversation, but there was something urgent he really needed to say right now so would you kindly pay attention.
The two men slowly pivoted to face this upstart youngster who dared disturb their very important conversation. Lucius drew back his hood, platinum blond hair gleaming in the low light. Severus decided he wouldn't take off his mask quite yet.
"What, exactly, do you want?" asked Lucius coldly, pinning the youngster under the full force of The Malfoy Sneer, (patented in the year 1237 AD).
The man bowed. "Our Master has sent me to fetch you, sir."
Severus smiled evilly and turned on his "Longbottom, you thick idiot, how did you manage to blow up the entire dungeons again?" voice. "You seem to have taken your time in doing so, Fabian. Are all the other members of the Circle present already?"
Fabian turned pale. "All but the Lestranges, Professor. M-my apologies, sir. I was...detained along the way."
"And now you waste our time with petty apologies." Lucius fingered his wand. "We are quite ready to depart."
"Of course, sirs. P-please follow me."
Lucius replaced his mask as the young man led them through damp hallways lit by thick, tallow candles. Voldemort's headquarters were a confusing maze made even more perilous by the occasional death trap. Severus grumbled as he hopped on one foot for three steps, spun around in a circle, and jumped over a floor tile.
"Why doesn't the Master just allow us to temporarily magically disable the traps?" Severus whispered. "Or, better yet, apparate directly into the conference room."
Lucius shrugged. "I'm guessing he doesn't want sufficiently clever invaders to be able to disable them. Extra security precaution."
"Who would be idiotic enough to attempt to invade a stronghold full of Death Eaters, dark creatures, and one of the most feared Dark Lords of all time?"
Severus and Lucius looked and each other and chorused, "Gryffindors."
The mention of the foolhardy and thickheaded house of Gryffindor brought back a few memories for the two men.
"Do you remember the time we put itching powder in Black's bag, and he couldn't use his own books for a week?"
"Ah, yes. Those were the days. I believe they retaliated by shaving off all your hair in the middle of the night. Even your eyebrows."
Severus growled. "It took months for my hair to grow back out."
"And that's the last haircut you've had since, eh Sev?" Lucius asked teasingly.
Severus grinned under his mask. "No, actually, I cut my hair last night." Completely forgetting his resolve to not take off his mask, he slipped the silk fabric off with fluid ease. "Do you like it?"
For the first time in many, many years, Lucius Malfoy looked completely and utterly shocked. "Gah...."
Severus smirked slightly. "Can I take that as a yes?"
Malfoy managed to recover himself. He leaned closer with a predatory look Snape definitely did not like to see in the eyes of his best friend. "Oh, yes, Sev," Lucius purred. The man purred! "I like it very, very much."
"Um..." The potions master unconsciously leaned slightly away from his friend. This behavior was very disturbing coming from Lucius Malfoy, the ladies man. Of course, it was a little known fact most of Slytherins were bisexual, but still....this was his best friend! "Glad you like it."
Lucius' face suddenly split into a wicked grin. "Sev, after the meeting would you be interested in-oof!"
Severus never got the chance to find out what his friend was about to propose, because at that moment Fabian had stopped in front of two massive, oaken doors. Lucius, too busy staring at Severus to notice, kept walking and ran straight into Fabian. The young man, who was in mid-turn, caught his foot on the edge of Lucius' robe, and hit the door with a sickening crack.
In the confusion, Severus slipped the mask back over his head. Leaning against the wall and surveying the scene in front of him, he began to snigger uncontrollably.
"I think I've broken my nose," Fabian muttered as blood tripped down his face onto the front of robes.
"Your nose?" Lucius asked in outrage. "You have just ripped,"-he growled the word-"my new Armani robes!"
Severus, leaning against the wall in the background, managed to turn his laughter into a severe coughing fit. Fabian muttered under his breath after he quickly cast a charm to stop the bleeding. I'm glad this new crisis has diverted attention away from me. He smirked. Luc is so vain.
"Luc, you must have at least twenty pairs of Armani robes," Severus tried to reason with a distraught Malfoy.
"These," Lucius gestured towards his "ruined" clothing, "were specially made, custom fitted-"
"Luc?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up. And you," he turned on Fabian, "just open the bloody doors already."
"Yes, sir," the youth put both palms against the two doors, which slowly creaked open. The opening doors revealed a large room dominated by a crystal throne placed on a small platform. Standing next to his throne was none other than the hideously ugly Dark Lord who had Britain in a state of chaos. Voldemort's red, slanted eyes, flat nose with slits for nostrils, and pasty complexion had always made Severus want to give the man a card for a good plastic surgeon. This was where the members of the Inner Circle sat when Voldemort summoned them to a meeting.
Random Underling #27, i.e. Fabian, stepped in and announced the wizards behind him. "Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, Master."
Voldemort waited for his three servants to, one by one, kiss the hem of his robe. As Severus groveled before the Dark Lord, he was again thankful the mask hid his look of disgust. Once they were finished, and Severus had covertly eaten a tic-tac, they stood to the side waiting for permission to take their seats.
"Excellent," Voldemort hissed, stroking a nonexistent goatee with thin fingers. "Tell me, Fabian, why is there blood on your robes?" His eyes narrowed. "The ritual sacrifices are only on Thursdays."
"No, my lord, he ran into a door on the way here," Lucius said. "That's why Severus and I are regrettably late."
"Did I ask you, Lucius?" Voldemort said quietly.
"No, Master." Lucius bowed.
"Hmm. Is this true, Fabian?"
"Actually, my lord-"
"This isn't a complicated question. Yes, or no?"
"Yes, master," Fabian muttered.
The Dark Lord sighed. "You were showing such promise too. Oh well. I cannot afford to be surrounded by clumsy fools." So you've finally realized the incompetence of most of these people. Shocking. "Avada Kedavera."
Nobody commented as the still warm body of the young man hit the floor. Another random underling appeared to drag the body away. Nagini's got dinner tonight. Sometimes I think Voldemort kills so many people so he won't have to buy snake food.
"You may take your seats."
Lucius and Severus bowed, and with a muttered "thank you, master" made their way to their designated chairs.
"You won't be seeing him later," Severus murmured, his voice pitched so only Lucius could hear.
"The upstart deserved it. Look at this tear!"
Severus pulled his chair out and sat down. When he was seated, he glanced around and covertly muttered a repairing charm.
"Happy?"
Lucius sniffed. "No. It's still not the same."
Severus rolled his eyes and shifted to find a more comfortable position to sit in. Master probably ordered someone to find the most uncomfortable chairs in the world.
Voldemort stayed standing a moment longer, looking at his most loyal subjects and favored servants with narrowed eyes, then regally ascended his throne.
The expression on the Dark Lord's face didn't change as he shifted and pulled out an extremely large, extremely dead rat from under him. The Death Eaters looked at each other nervously, wondering who was going to be punished for this, and if their Lord's mood could get any worse.
"Nagini?" Voldemort hissed.
The large python curled up next to the throne like a dog lifter her massive head. "Yes, Master?"
"How many times must I tell you not to store your leftovers on my throne?!?!"
"Sorry, Master. I forgot."
"Again." He dropped the rodent onto the ground in front of the snake's head. "And as punishment for forgetting, I shall feed the dead human to your brothers and sisters."
Somehow Nagini managed to put a whining edge to her answering hiss. "But Master-"
"Silence! Be glad I have let you off easily."
Nagini mumbled "Yes, master" and lowered her head into her coils dejectedly.
"Don't you just hate it when he talks in italics?" Severus whispered to Lucius.
Voldemort turned back to his inner circle. "My most loyal servants," he hissed, "tell me how things in my Empire are going." No one spoke. "If no one's going to volunteer...MacNair?"
"Y-yes Master." He swallowed. "Your most brilliant team of young wizards have been working night and day to find a way to break through the wards of Hogwarts..."
Severus almost snickered. Good luck, MacNair. He would've pitied the man being given such an impossible task if the guy wasn't such a git. The wards on the school had been created by the founding fathers, using the most powerful magic of the age. In addition, the Headmasters of Hogwarts (the competent ones, at least) had strengthened and improved the wards over the ages.
As Severus listened to MacNair's account, which was filled with excuses and overblown successes, he grimaced. My students have given me better, and more plausible, excuses as to why they couldn't complete their last night's homework.
MacNair rattled on until he noticed no one was listening to him any longer. Trailing off, he swallowed nervously.
"So, what you are saying is no progress has been made?"
"Lord, we have-"
"I tire of your excuses. Crucio!"
Severus sighed as MacNair's screams echoed around the room. You think he'd be a little more used to it, by now. Just can't take pain, that man. It was kind of ironic, really. The rest of the wizarding world was afraid of the Dark Lord, but so were his own followers, perhaps even more so. Irony. All my life, I've never been able to escape it.
Voldemort released MacNair from the curse, and the Death Eater slumped into the chair bonelessly.
"I hope next time I will receive a more, shall we say, favorable report."
"Yes, Master." MacNair's voice was hoarse from screaming.
"Who shall be next..." Voldemort mused. All the Death Eaters shrunk slightly in their seats.
"Severus Snape."
This is turning into a really bad day.
Lucius reached under the table and gripped Sea's hand reassuringly. At least, Severus hoped Lucius had been going for his hand.
"What is it you wish to know, Master?"
"First, tell me how you have helped MacNair with the project I have given him."
I don't suppose an "I haven't really" would suffice, would it? "I have managed to gleam some information by watching the Aurors strengthen the wards and some subtle questioning. All the information I have gained I immediately pass over to MacNair. I cannot imagine why he hasn't finished his task yet," Severus added guilelessly. MacNair glared at Severus when he thought Voldemort wasn't looking. The Dark Lord smiled thinly.
"And what of your work on my liquid Cructacius?"
Severus decided, for once in his life, to be honest.
"My lord, I have assembled a list of ingredients that I believe will work. However, I have not yet found the quantities which each should go in."
"How do you know the ingredients you are working with are the correct ones?" Voldemort asked in a silky, soft voice.
"I do not, Master."
"This is the best you can do?" He continued in that same, soft tone. "I was under the impression that I was in possession of one of the greatest potions masters in the world. Have I been laboring under a misapprehension? Shall I recruit DeLaney to take your place? Even that Mudblood Ross might do better than you are right now." His voice became harsh, commanding. "Look upon me, Severus Snape, and tell me that you are the best."
Oh, Slytherin. A wonderful end to a bloody wonderful day. He slowly reached back and pulled of the hood.
There were no sudden gasps or sudden marriage proposals; after all, this was a group of Slytherins. Lestrange's mouth opened slightly, but it was thoughtfully closed by his wife a minute later. Someone's going to be sleeping on the couch tonight, though Severus with a smirk. Avery's eyes widened, which gave him the appearance of a deer caught in headlights. Peter Pettigrew, being the Gryffindor scum he was, fell out of his chair onto the floor in shock. Lucius sat with a superior smirk that said he knew all along, which, well, he did. Voldemort did not look at the reactions of his servants, instead he stayed focused on Severus.
Severus steeled himself and looked into Voldemort's creepy red eyes. "I am the best, my Lord," he said with a peculiar combination of subservience and arrogance.
Voldemort stared at him for a few more seconds, then nodded. "See that it stays that way."
No punishment? Not that I'm complaining..."I will, Master."
"Excellent." Once more Voldemort stroked an invisible goatee.
Severus reached back to pull up his hood, but the Dark Lord stopped him with an upraised hand. "Leave your hood down this meeting, Severus. We're all friends here."
What am I, eye candy? Decoration? Why don't I just get naked and stand on the table for everyone to look at. "Of course, my lord."
"Lestrange, talk to me."
"Um...about what, master?"
"What do you think I want you to talk about?" Lestrange looked puzzled. "Let me rephrase the question. How is the recruiting going?"
"Well, my lord..."
Severus zoned out as each servant recounted what he or she was doing to further the progress of the Evil Empire. He was noting key facts to recount to Dumbledore, of course. At the same time, other portions of his mind were occupied by other things. I wonder if I could hex that filthy rat into oblivion without Voldemort noticing? Peter Pettigrew was still sitting across from Severus, staring at the potions master with his beady little eyes and drooling. If he doesn't stop that right now...
"Well, I'm glad things are progressing so well. Slowly and surely we conquer unnoticed, my servants. Now, in the interests of time, your evil missions for this week have been written down." Envelopes appeared in front of each person. Severus' was pink and covered in little hearts. "I suggest you read these in a private setting. They will self destruct after you finish, so read carefully."
Severus tucked his envelope into the inside pocket of his robe before anyone got a good look at it. I really, really hope I just didn't get a bunch of love poems...
"That is all. You are dismissed."
The Death Eaters looked at each other, stunned. One insignificant underling had been killed that day, and amazingly only one other tortured. It had to be a new record. As a group, they slowly stood up and shuffled out. Severus had almost reached the door when Voldemort spoke.
"Ah, yes. I'd almost forgotten..."
The Death Eaters slowly pivoted around and stared at their Lord. Ah, here was the catch, they all thought.
"Severus and Lucius, would you please stay for a few moments?"
Damn. Why, oh why does it have to be me?
The other Death Eaters gave the two pitying looks as they left the room. Severus and Lucius glanced at each other and shrugged. For the second time that day they walked over to the Dark Lord's throne.
"It's your turn this time, Sev," Lucius leaned in and whispered as they were walked over. Severus nodded and bent down to kiss Voldemort's robes. It was his turn to get them out of some incredibly dangerous/mentally scaring experience. Lucius usually used his good looks, charm, wit, influence and incredible fortune. Severus' main tactics were a variety of different glares (good for every occasion! Birthday parties included.), an intimidating presence and an encyclopedic knowledge of hexes. He decided neither of the three would be very appropriate for the occasion.
Voldemort smiled at them, which was the creepiest thing he had done all night. "It has been quite some time since I've gotten to talk to my most intelligent, slippery servants." He magicked up a purple table with three chairs in the empty space next to the throne. "Come, take a seat."
Lucius and Severus gave each other nervous glance as they followed the Dark Lord to the min-table and sat down. The worst possible thing...bonding time. Oh well, at least the chairs are comfortable.
"Let's play some Chinese Checkers!!!" The Dark Lord said enthusiastically. Severus almost grimaced.
Multiple exclamation marks...the sure sign of an insane mind.
A different random underling suddenly appeared at the table.
"Bloody amazing how they do that, isn't it?" whispered Lucius.
"Bring me the Chinese Checker set and some Double Stuffed Oreos!" The Dark Lord commanded.
Minion #12 bowed. "Yes, Master."
Voldemort held up a hand. "But first...who do you think would win a Death Match, Britney Spears or Ru Paul?"
The servant frowned slightly. "Er...well....Britney Spears?"
Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "Hmmm. Interesting. Severus, what do you think?"
"The obvious answer is Ru Paul," Severus said smoothly.
Voldemort nodded. "I am inclined to agree with Severus."
The servant twitched. "Of-of course Master. It is so obvious, I don't know how I didn't see it before-"
"Oh, shut up and get my Oreos." Voldemort commanded. The servant fled, only to return a moment later with, you guessed it, a set of Chinese Checkers and a package of Oreos. Voldemort opened the Chinese Checkers box.
"I get to be purple!"
Severus grimaced. This had gone far enough. "Um...my lord?"
Voldemort narrowed his eyes. "Yes, Snape?"
"With the utmost regret I must inform you that I had left a batch of the test liquid Imperious boiling, and if I do not return shortly it will burn. My work would be set back for weeks. Against my wishes, I must ask you to allow me to leave and attend to the potion." Severus bowed his head and waited for Voldemort to curse him for his impudence or make him take off all his clothes and dance around like a ballerina. When the Dark Lord started playing Chinese Checkers, you were never sure what would happen next.
"Hm...yes, you have my permission to go."
Severus stood and bowed elegantly. "Ah. One more thing, Master. I had left some of the ingredients for the next batch at Malfoy Manor, and without Lucius I cannot collect them. May he be allowed to accompany me?"
"I shall be lenient today, Severus. Yes, both of you are excused. However," he leaned forward and stared at the potions master, "I expect to see you at a later date."
Lucius stood and, like Severus, bowed to Voldemort. "Thank you, master," both men muttered. Actually, Severus muttered "Die, you bastard." Voldemort's hearing wasn't very good these days.
Once they made it into the hallway, Severus sighed in relief. "That was close."
"I am quite grateful you got us out of there, Sev. I'm horrible at Chinese Checkers."
Severus rolled his eyes as they walked down the hallway and took a left. "So if we had been playing a nice, traditional, Slytherin game such as chess or strip poker, you would have stayed?"
"Well, perhaps if those had been the mint ores," Lucius said with a smirk.
"Who's the treasonous one now?"
"Sev, I wouldn't consider it treason to insult the Master's taste in cookies."
"Yes, but he might." Severus stopped suddenly. "Finally, an apparition room!" He yanked open the plain wooden door, only to find Wormtail dancing to Christina Aguilera's new song "Dirty." He was only wearing a sparkly blue thong. Severus quickly slammed the door closed again. "Er...let's keep moving, shall we?"
There was a long pause where both men couldn't think of anything to say.
"Today is quite the day for revelations, isn't it Sev?"
"Yes. Today has proven most...interesting."
They came upon another small, nondescript wooden door. Severus reached for the handle, then changed his mind.
"Lucius, would you mind opening it this time?"
Lucius opened the door a crack and peeked around, but the only occupants of the tiny room were spiders and whatever other insects had made it their home.
"Figures," Severus muttered. "I have to be the one to open the door on Pettigrew dancing."
Lucius chuckled. "Well, it is time for me to be heading home, old friend." He took a step towards Severus and looked him in the eye. "You will visit more often, won't you?"
"Yes, yes, Luc. We'll meet in Hogsmeade next weekend or something, ok?"
Lucius nodded. "I shall send you an owl, Sev. Until then." With that, he Disapperated.
Severus shook his head. Luc always was one for dramatic exits. With a wave of his wand, Severus disappeared.
