NIGHTMARES

CHAPTER FIVE

Huang was working uptown today. Goren insisted that I drive.

"So," I said, pulling the car into downtown traffic. "What was all that profiling stuff? You were either trying to impress Cragen or piss off Munch."

Goren sat back, folding his arms. He totally filled the passenger side of the car, and his head almost touched the roof. "Nah," he said. "I'm not interested in impressing people."

"Hm, I didn't think so. You sure dissed Fin and Munch."

"Munch is easily dissed," he smiled a little.

"Hm," I said again. "You think he's going to go after someone else, huh?" .

"Definitely." He tipped his head, thinking. "He has a taste for it now."

"Jodie Foster said that in "Silence of the Lambs.""

"So she did, so she did.Olivia-may I call you Olivia?"

Polite of him to ask.

"Sure," I said, not sure.

"Okay.Olivia, then. He's killed twice in three days."

"How did he get McBride outside?"

"I think he.followed her.waited for her to be alone. Maybe he's.attractive enough.persuasive enough.to get a cop to come with him. Hey, Officer, my car broke down, or, I heard something, or I'm being followed, or my wife got mugged or my dog, cat, car, bike got stolen-"

I laughed. "Okay, I get it." Nothing about this job made me laugh, but here I was, laughing. Bobby Goren WAS a weirdo, but a smart weirdo. And a little funny. And-okay, admit it-a handsome weirdo. I supposed that by normal-girl standards, I would be considered a weirdo, too. I got more come-on lines from women than from men. I worked weird hours. Most of those work hours were spent with upstanding citizens like rapists and killers.and Munch and Fin. Part of me had spent the last four years wanting to grab my partner and fuck him silly. And part of me liked to be alone. I had always figured loneliness was part of the Job. It always came back to the Job.

"You okay, Olivia?"

Great. Someone else concerned about my mental health.

"I'm fine."

"Bobby."

"Huh?"

"If I get to call you Olivia, you hafta call me Bobby."

"Have to?"

"It's the rules."

Yeah, he was looking at me that way. You know.I didn't mind.

Stopping at a red light, I looked over at him. He had brown eyes. Nice brown eyes.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"Don't women usually ask men that question?"

"I ask a lot of questions."

"I noticed." I smiled.

He smiled back, and I felt it all the way to the tips of my toes, and lots of places in-between. Well, why shouldn't I? Here was a very attractive man. A man who saw the same terrible things I saw every day. Hell, we probably had the same nightmares. And no wedding ring to get in the middle.

For a moment, my mind flashed to the wedding ring I knew best-the one Elliot Stabler wore. There had been days-sad, desperate days, when I had seen more than any human should be able to cope with, when I just wanted to fold myself against my partner, curl into his strength and warmth and hope he could make it all go away.

"Stabler, huh?"

"What?"

Bobby kind of poked at the air. "You were.thinking about him.just then."

Jesus, Munch was right. He WAS psychic.

"He looks at you," Bobby said.

I wanted to say "So do you," but didn't. I just held the steering wheel really, really hard, and wondered what the hell I would do if Bobby Goren leaned over and blew in my ear.

SVU SQUADROOM LATER THAT SAME DAY

"He heard her get killed," Fin said.

"What?" Elliot, Bobby and I all stopped doing what we were doing. I almost spit coffee through my nose.

"Yeah," said Munch. "McBride was on the cell with the boyfriend- Mickey DiGiovanni-he was at home. They were having a bitch-kitty of a fight." He tossed his coat on his chair. "Killer approached her, he sez. He heard them talking. Then she-well, he turned on his answering machine. Got the whole thing on tape."

Fin took a microcassette in an evidence bag out of his pocket.

"Holy shit," Elliot breathed.

"Yeah, check it out," Fin said. "We got one sick motherfucker."

********

"Mickey-Mickey!"

"Anna? Annie? What's going on? Who's there?" DiGiovanni sounded frantic, scared.

I sat perched on the edge of Cragen's desk, listening to Anna McBride get raped and killed.

Screaming, quickly muffled.

"Shut up! Shut up, bitch-bitch cop!"

DiGiovanni: "Let her go, you bastard! Let her go! I'm callin' the cops! I'm callin' the cops!"

Muffled sounds. Scuffling. Heavy breathing. Trash cans falling over. Man's voice, muttering, incoherent, scary.

"Annie! Annie! Oh, God! Annie!"

The killer muttered some more. Then-"Ah-ah-bitch, bitch-cunt-" he groaned.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ! I was listening to her being raped. Ignoring my coworkers, I bolted out of the office, the horrible voice following me, up the stairs, slamming into the ladies room. I made it just in time. I threw up. Paused. Threw up again, my head swimming, pounding, my whole body shuddering, sweating. Dizzy, sick.Oh, Jesus.

Somebody knocked on the door. I heard it from way back in my head, like an echo from a tuned-out radio station.

"Go away, Elliot."

"No."

"Goddammit!" I stood up, swaying, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"Are you-"

I went over and yanked open the door. "Goddammit, Elliot, don't you dare ask me if I'm okay!"

A couple of uniforms paused in the hallway to watch. Elliot pushed me back into the bathroom and closed the door. There were voices, curious, from the hallway, then silence.

Elliot leaned his back against the door and folded his arms. I went to the sink and splashed water on my face, rinsed out my sour mouth. When I looked up, I saw him reflected in the mirror. He looked so strong, standing there, so implacable. Dressed in shirtsleeves, his tie loosened and sleeves pushed up.

"I understand," he said.

I laughed. "The fuck you do."

"What do you want from me, Olivia?"

"I don't want anything from you."

He paused. "Would you rather I send Goren up here?"

I froze, water dripping from my hands and face. "Why would you do that?"

Elliot came toward me. Oh, please, please, don't, I thought.

Closer. Until he was right behind me, his breath warm on my neck. He smelled familiar-perspiration, aftershave and gun grease. He was going to touch me, and if he did-

I sidestepped fast, avoiding him.

"Ah, Jeez, Olivia-"

"Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare."

"I wasn't-"

"Yeah, you were," I said, daring to meet his eyes. "You hang out, waiting for me to freak out, to fall apart, so you can play Sir Galahad."

"That is bullshit."

I sighed. "No. No, it's not."

And I pushed past him, out the door, down the stairs, and out of the building, leaving it behind, trying to let it go.

Halfway down the block, I heard footsteps behind me.

"You forgot your coat," said Bobby, coatless himself.

"Thanks," I said, taking it.

"See you tomorrow," he said, turning away and going back inside.

We share the same nightmare, I thought, shivering.