NIGHTMARES-the Alternate Chapter Six
HOME OF DET OLIVIA BENSON
11:00 PM
I spent four hours with Marty and the twins. And Shari's parents. Marty's parents arrived from Westchester. Other cops came. Leo Wilder, Shari's partner, came with his wife and teenaged daughter. Shari's captain. Karen. Mary. Anna McBride's parents. Heather Marino's sister.
And Bobby never left my side. God help me, I was never so glad to have anyone around. He drove me home and offered to come upstairs. He even held my hand.
"I know," I said, smiling wearily up at him. "You just want to make sure I'm going to be okay."
"No, he said seriously, interrogating me with that intense gaze he had. "That's Stabler's job. I know you'll be okay. You're tough.Tougher than your partner thinks you are." He had this way of pausing through sentences that made you think he was really considering each word, which I supposed he was.
We stood close to each other in the chilly vestibule of my building. Bobby filled every space he was in, including the one between us, not only with his broad shoulders and his height, but with his very presence. There was something terribly appealing about that.about him. I was aware that I was looking at him.noticing him. His eyes were brown and soft, but utterly serious. I didn't think he had shaved in a couple of days, but it suited him. His dark curls were graying just a little, and I thought how nice it would be to play with them, to see if they were as soft as they looked.
"Sometimes I'm not all that tough," I said, not able to meet his intense look. I pushed my hair off my forehead, self-consciously.
"You are, Olivia. You have to be."
And he kissed me.
I wanted to stop him. He was taking advantage of the situation, of.oh. I kissed him back.
His mouth was hot on mine, hot but so soft.. He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me close.
Nothing.nothing..just the sensation. The air was cold, but I shivered from a melting heat.
Bobby deepened the kiss, and my lips parted, touching his tongue with mine. He was delicious, and large, and warm, and THERE. I leaned into him.
Moving his hand, he cupped my cheek in his palm and brushed away my tears. I put my hands on his broad chest and felt his heart beating. Fast, wild, in time with my own. I was liquid, dissolving.
Breaking the kiss, he moved his warm lips and tongue to my jaw,my ear, my neck.
"Sweet," he whispered. "So sweet." His breath was hot, burning my skin. I arched back a little, leaning into him. I twined my arms around his neck, having to reach up. He was so big, so tall and strong.I had never felt so small or so feminine in my life. He was taking me over with his presence.
I pressed the length of my body against his. His gun was hard, but his cock was harder. Oh, God.
If he wanted to, he could pick me up in his arms and carry me- anywhere he wanted. Any thoughts I had ever entertained about Elliot Stabler spun away and faded into darkness, into the reality of this moment, this man, this feeling.
Pulling up onto my tiptoes, I played with his soft, curly hair and gently bit his smooth neck. I ran my tongue along the line of his jaw. Tasty. VERY tasty. He groaned against me.
"Olivia." he whispered. "Oh, god.you know.I could."
"I know," I said, so softly.
"I could love you."
A tiny frisson of fear went through me but was washed away by a flood of tenderness and desire.
"Don't be scared," he said. "Don't. I'm scared enough for both of us."
My heart contracted. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I put my cheek to his, felt the roughness of his beard.
"Oh, Bobby, I-" Then I said the unthinkable "I could love you, too." It was out of my mouth before I could stop it.
Swiftly, he pulled back. Gripping my shoulders, he looked me in the face. Hard. Intense. "Don't play games with me."
"I wouldn't do that."
"No.no, you wouldn't, would you?"
"Please. Kiss me again."
He smiled and kissed me again. I shuddered in his arms. I COULD love a man like this. An intelligent man. A passionate man. A beautiful man. A man who already knew me better than anyone else. The thought, then the feeling, shot through me.
Then he did what I knew he would do. He scooped me up in his powerful arms and carried me up the stairs. My laugh of pure delight was muffled against the soft cashmere of his coat.
I giggled more getting the key out of my pocket, having to reach down what seemed like a long way to open the door. Giggling was NOT my thing, but this man made it bubble up inside me like champagne. He was smiling. I had never seen him smile like that before, and I paused, looking at him. He had a sweet smile. He caught me looking.
"Open the door," he said.
"Okay," I said, but before I did, I kissed him on the nose. "I like your nose," I said, smiling.
"Oh, you do, huh? I knew there was something I liked about you."
Bobby pushed the door closed behind us with his foot. He didn't put me down, but kissed me again instead. Softly at first, then harder, with rising passion. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I wanted him all over me, around me, on me, in me, all at once. My whole body was heating up. He carried me into the small bedroom, lit only by a small bedside lamp.
Setting me on my feet, he moved swiftly, pulling off his coat, jacket and gun. I yanked off my jacket, dropped the gun to the floor and skimmed my thin sweater over my head.
Bobby stopped tugging at his tie. He just looked at me. I felt a flush rise to my face. Bending forward, he kissed me, then tipped his head and smiled.
"You are so beautiful, Olivia" he breathed. "So lovely."
I closed my eyes and he touched me, barely skimming my skin with electric fingertips, down my face, to my neck, to my arm, then cupped a breast in his large hand. I gasped.
"Shh," he said. "Let me."
He dipped his head down and licked my collarbone with the tip of his tongue. I thought my knees were going to buckle. He kissed upward, to my mouth, at the same time moving his hands over my breasts, my belly, my waist, his deft fingers finding the button of my jeans.
Keeping my eyes shut, I was only aware of his mouth on mine, and the feel of his hands. I had never felt anything so erotic in my life. I kept waiting for him to pull, or grab, but he didn't. There was just that gentleness.
He moved forward and knelt in front of me, slipping my jeans and panties down over my hips. I stepped out of them, reaching for him, going to unbutton his shirt. He caught at my fingers, kissing them one by one. I opened my eyes and looked down at him. He was looking up at me, shy and boyish, his hair messed up, his cheeks pink.
"Let me," he said again, so quietly.
I took my hands away. He lowered me to the bed and knelt down on the floor beside it. He caressed me slowly, from shoulders, to breasts, to thighs. I shivered in anticipation. He ran his thumbs over my nipples, then unsnapped my bra.
"Oh," I said.
He laughed softly, sensuously. As he put his mouth to my breasts, I ran my fingers through his hair. Something told me I could get used to that. His cheek was sandpaper against my skin. I arched a little, wetness pooling between my legs. This time when I reached for his shirt buttons, he let me. His eyes were dark in the pale light. He backed up onto his knees and yanked off his tie and shirt. I reached over and unbuckled his belt.
I smiled at him, slowly, teasing him, sliding his pants down, finding bare skin.
Swiftly, he stood and stripped off the rest of his clothes. Naked, he was not only large, but magnificent. Broad shoulders, hard-muscled chest, nice shoulders, long legs. I felt tiny.
Sitting up, I wrapped my hand around his hard cock. He leaned into it, closing his eyes and groaning. After a moment, he slid down onto the bed next to me and held me in his arms. Strong arms. Safe arms. He was taking me over, coming into my private space.
He put his face close to mine, studying me. I felt like we were both vibrating with the tension of the moment.
"Close your eyes, Olivia," he whispered. I did. He kissed my eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, my mouth. The kiss grew deeper, hotter. We arched against each other. His hands skimmed my body, my side, my hip, my leg. His long cock was hard against my belly. I slid my leg over his hip, pulling him closer, closer.
"Oh, God," he said.
"Yes," I said. With a move, a turn, he slid into me.
Magic. Pure sweet, hot magic. He filled me, completed me. I moved so he was on top, so I could feel the whole length of him, moving, sliding, thrusting. He propped himself on his hands. I raised my legs and wrapped them around his waist and he went in deeper.
I looked up and met his eyes. Fierce eyes. Passionate eyes. He kissed me, his tongue as deep and hot as his cock. I lunged to meet him, again and again. Sweat slipped into my eyes. We were breathing hard, matching thrust for thrust.
I felt it build, in my belly, radiating out, and out, through my whole body. I wasn't just going to come; I was going to implode. I grabbed him by the back of the neck.
"Look at me," I said. "Look, dammit."
He nodded and didn't break the gaze.
As it hit me, I moaned.
"Oh, yes, honey," he said. "Yes, go."
I went. As I did, I cried out his name, over and over.
Our eyes were locked, and he met me halfway, going deeper than deep, harder than hard, shuddering as he came.
He laughed. I laughed, too, joy and passion spilling through my mind and body.
After a long time, he relaxed against me and rolled onto his side, never letting me go.
All at once, I thought of Shari. Oh, man.My eyes filled with tears. He saw. "Oh, God," I whispered.
"Oh, Olivia," he said, knowing, understanding. He wrapped his arms around me and I curled into him, sobbing for my lost friend.
"It's okay, honey.You have to celebrate life, too."
That just made me cry harder.
"C'mere.Look at me."
I did. His face in the semi-darkness was compassionate, loving.
"I cant," I said. "It's too hard."
"No," he said, startling me with his harshness. "Its not. Its life."
Life. Was that it? I had no idea. I only had my grief, my pain, my helplessness. I couldn't change it. I kissed him. Hard, furious, angry at him, at myself, at everything. I pushed my tongue into his mouth, still crying.
He rolled onto his back, taking me with him so I was on top of him.
"I'm NOT dead," I said.
"No. Neither am I." He took my face in his hands.
"I don't care. Oh, I don't CARE," I said, sounding like I did.
"You DO care, Olivia. Dammit, SAY you care. Say you loved your friend, say how fucking furious you are at the whole universe."
There was nothing gentle about him now. His arms were hard around me. I wanted this, needed this. "'Do not go gentle into this dark night,'" he said. "'Rage, rage.' go ahead. Rage. DO it, Olivia."
For a moment, I went mad. I pounded on him, and I wept, and he didn't say anything else. I didn't think. I just acted. I don't even know what I did, but when I calmed down, finally, Bobby had scratches on his hands and chest.
We didn't say anything for a long time, but he didn't stop holding me.
Six-Thirty AM
I sat by the window and watched the light come up over the city.
Bobby came up behind me and put a cup of coffee in my hand.
"Thanks," I said, looking up at him. He smiled shyly, color rising in his face. I smiled back. "Maybe you better shave. We have to go to work."
He scrubbed a hand over his chin, "Do you really think anyone will notice I haven't shaved?"
"Mm. No, I guess not."
We didn't say anything for a long moment.
"You're cute, you know?" I said. I had never said that to a man before. It felt stange, but it was true.
"My partner doesn't think so."
"Ah, she has no taste."
"Guess not. Speaking of partners-" He leaned down and kissed me. "What about yours?"
"What about him?"
"He's in love with you."
"No he isn't." I sipped my coffee.
"Let me ask you something, Detective," Bobby said, his fingers playing in my hair. "Do you think I'm.the kind of person who notices things?"
"You? You notice everything."
"Yes. I do. And I notice the way Stabler looks at you."
"How does he look at me?" I didn't like the way this conversation was going.
He paced away, thinking, a tall genius in t-shirt and briefs. "Like.he owns you. Like.he knows.what you're thinking.what's best for you."
I felt a flash of irritation. "Nobody owns me."
He crossed back to me, crouching down, setting the coffee on the floor. "Hey," he said, brushing back my bangs. "I know that. Don't shut down on me, Olivia.Please."
I sighed. "I'm not. But I really don't want to talk about Stabler."
He smiled. "Want to talk about me?"
I leaned forward, touching my forehead to his. "I think I know what I need to know about you, Detective Goren."
He laughed, and the momentary tension was broken. "Want to take a shower?"
"Oh, yeah." I said. "Definitely."
I spent four hours with Marty and the twins. And Shari's parents. Marty's parents arrived from Westchester. Other cops came. Leo Wilder, Shari's partner, came with his wife and teenaged daughter. Shari's captain. Karen. Mary. Anna McBride's parents. Heather Marino's sister.
And Bobby never left my side. God help me, I was never so glad to have anyone around. He drove me home and offered to come upstairs. He even held my hand.
"I know," I said, smiling wearily up at him. "You just want to make sure I'm going to be okay."
"No, he said seriously, interrogating me with that intense gaze he had. "That's Stabler's job. I know you'll be okay. You're tough.Tougher than your partner thinks you are." He had this way of pausing through sentences that made you think he was really considering each word, which I supposed he was.
We stood close to each other in the chilly vestibule of my building. Bobby filled every space he was in, including the one between us, not only with his broad shoulders and his height, but with his very presence. There was something terribly appealing about that.about him. I was aware that I was looking at him.noticing him. His eyes were brown and soft, but utterly serious. I didn't think he had shaved in a couple of days, but it suited him. His dark curls were graying just a little, and I thought how nice it would be to play with them, to see if they were as soft as they looked.
"Sometimes I'm not all that tough," I said, not able to meet his intense look. I pushed my hair off my forehead, self-consciously.
"You are, Olivia. You have to be."
And he kissed me.
I wanted to stop him. He was taking advantage of the situation, of.oh. I kissed him back.
His mouth was hot on mine, hot but so soft.. He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me close.
Nothing.nothing..just the sensation. The air was cold, but I shivered from a melting heat.
Bobby deepened the kiss, and my lips parted, touching his tongue with mine. He was delicious, and large, and warm, and THERE. I leaned into him.
Moving his hand, he cupped my cheek in his palm and brushed away my tears. I put my hands on his broad chest and felt his heart beating. Fast, wild, in time with my own. I was liquid, dissolving.
Breaking the kiss, he moved his warm lips and tongue to my jaw,my ear, my neck.
"Sweet," he whispered. "So sweet." His breath was hot, burning my skin. I arched back a little, leaning into him. I twined my arms around his neck, having to reach up. He was so big, so tall and strong.I had never felt so small or so feminine in my life. He was taking me over with his presence.
I pressed the length of my body against his. His gun was hard, but his cock was harder. Oh, God.
If he wanted to, he could pick me up in his arms and carry me- anywhere he wanted. Any thoughts I had ever entertained about Elliot Stabler spun away and faded into darkness, into the reality of this moment, this man, this feeling.
Pulling up onto my tiptoes, I played with his soft, curly hair and gently bit his smooth neck. I ran my tongue along the line of his jaw. Tasty. VERY tasty. He groaned against me.
"Olivia." he whispered. "Oh, god.you know.I could."
"I know," I said, so softly.
"I could love you."
A tiny frisson of fear went through me but was washed away by a flood of tenderness and desire.
"Don't be scared," he said. "Don't. I'm scared enough for both of us."
My heart contracted. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I put my cheek to his, felt the roughness of his beard.
"Oh, Bobby, I-" Then I said the unthinkable "I could love you, too." It was out of my mouth before I could stop it.
Swiftly, he pulled back. Gripping my shoulders, he looked me in the face. Hard. Intense. "Don't play games with me."
"I wouldn't do that."
"No.no, you wouldn't, would you?"
"Please. Kiss me again."
He smiled and kissed me again. I shuddered in his arms. I COULD love a man like this. An intelligent man. A passionate man. A beautiful man. A man who already knew me better than anyone else. The thought, then the feeling, shot through me.
Then he did what I knew he would do. He scooped me up in his powerful arms and carried me up the stairs. My laugh of pure delight was muffled against the soft cashmere of his coat.
I giggled more getting the key out of my pocket, having to reach down what seemed like a long way to open the door. Giggling was NOT my thing, but this man made it bubble up inside me like champagne. He was smiling. I had never seen him smile like that before, and I paused, looking at him. He had a sweet smile. He caught me looking.
"Open the door," he said.
"Okay," I said, but before I did, I kissed him on the nose. "I like your nose," I said, smiling.
"Oh, you do, huh? I knew there was something I liked about you."
Bobby pushed the door closed behind us with his foot. He didn't put me down, but kissed me again instead. Softly at first, then harder, with rising passion. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I wanted him all over me, around me, on me, in me, all at once. My whole body was heating up. He carried me into the small bedroom, lit only by a small bedside lamp.
Setting me on my feet, he moved swiftly, pulling off his coat, jacket and gun. I yanked off my jacket, dropped the gun to the floor and skimmed my thin sweater over my head.
Bobby stopped tugging at his tie. He just looked at me. I felt a flush rise to my face. Bending forward, he kissed me, then tipped his head and smiled.
"You are so beautiful, Olivia" he breathed. "So lovely."
I closed my eyes and he touched me, barely skimming my skin with electric fingertips, down my face, to my neck, to my arm, then cupped a breast in his large hand. I gasped.
"Shh," he said. "Let me."
He dipped his head down and licked my collarbone with the tip of his tongue. I thought my knees were going to buckle. He kissed upward, to my mouth, at the same time moving his hands over my breasts, my belly, my waist, his deft fingers finding the button of my jeans.
Keeping my eyes shut, I was only aware of his mouth on mine, and the feel of his hands. I had never felt anything so erotic in my life. I kept waiting for him to pull, or grab, but he didn't. There was just that gentleness.
He moved forward and knelt in front of me, slipping my jeans and panties down over my hips. I stepped out of them, reaching for him, going to unbutton his shirt. He caught at my fingers, kissing them one by one. I opened my eyes and looked down at him. He was looking up at me, shy and boyish, his hair messed up, his cheeks pink.
"Let me," he said again, so quietly.
I took my hands away. He lowered me to the bed and knelt down on the floor beside it. He caressed me slowly, from shoulders, to breasts, to thighs. I shivered in anticipation. He ran his thumbs over my nipples, then unsnapped my bra.
"Oh," I said.
He laughed softly, sensuously. As he put his mouth to my breasts, I ran my fingers through his hair. Something told me I could get used to that. His cheek was sandpaper against my skin. I arched a little, wetness pooling between my legs. This time when I reached for his shirt buttons, he let me. His eyes were dark in the pale light. He backed up onto his knees and yanked off his tie and shirt. I reached over and unbuckled his belt.
I smiled at him, slowly, teasing him, sliding his pants down, finding bare skin.
Swiftly, he stood and stripped off the rest of his clothes. Naked, he was not only large, but magnificent. Broad shoulders, hard-muscled chest, nice shoulders, long legs. I felt tiny.
Sitting up, I wrapped my hand around his hard cock. He leaned into it, closing his eyes and groaning. After a moment, he slid down onto the bed next to me and held me in his arms. Strong arms. Safe arms. He was taking me over, coming into my private space.
He put his face close to mine, studying me. I felt like we were both vibrating with the tension of the moment.
"Close your eyes, Olivia," he whispered. I did. He kissed my eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, my mouth. The kiss grew deeper, hotter. We arched against each other. His hands skimmed my body, my side, my hip, my leg. His long cock was hard against my belly. I slid my leg over his hip, pulling him closer, closer.
"Oh, God," he said.
"Yes," I said. With a move, a turn, he slid into me.
Magic. Pure sweet, hot magic. He filled me, completed me. I moved so he was on top, so I could feel the whole length of him, moving, sliding, thrusting. He propped himself on his hands. I raised my legs and wrapped them around his waist and he went in deeper.
I looked up and met his eyes. Fierce eyes. Passionate eyes. He kissed me, his tongue as deep and hot as his cock. I lunged to meet him, again and again. Sweat slipped into my eyes. We were breathing hard, matching thrust for thrust.
I felt it build, in my belly, radiating out, and out, through my whole body. I wasn't just going to come; I was going to implode. I grabbed him by the back of the neck.
"Look at me," I said. "Look, dammit."
He nodded and didn't break the gaze.
As it hit me, I moaned.
"Oh, yes, honey," he said. "Yes, go."
I went. As I did, I cried out his name, over and over.
Our eyes were locked, and he met me halfway, going deeper than deep, harder than hard, shuddering as he came.
He laughed. I laughed, too, joy and passion spilling through my mind and body.
After a long time, he relaxed against me and rolled onto his side, never letting me go.
All at once, I thought of Shari. Oh, man.My eyes filled with tears. He saw. "Oh, God," I whispered.
"Oh, Olivia," he said, knowing, understanding. He wrapped his arms around me and I curled into him, sobbing for my lost friend.
"It's okay, honey.You have to celebrate life, too."
That just made me cry harder.
"C'mere.Look at me."
I did. His face in the semi-darkness was compassionate, loving.
"I cant," I said. "It's too hard."
"No," he said, startling me with his harshness. "Its not. Its life."
Life. Was that it? I had no idea. I only had my grief, my pain, my helplessness. I couldn't change it. I kissed him. Hard, furious, angry at him, at myself, at everything. I pushed my tongue into his mouth, still crying.
He rolled onto his back, taking me with him so I was on top of him.
"I'm NOT dead," I said.
"No. Neither am I." He took my face in his hands.
"I don't care. Oh, I don't CARE," I said, sounding like I did.
"You DO care, Olivia. Dammit, SAY you care. Say you loved your friend, say how fucking furious you are at the whole universe."
There was nothing gentle about him now. His arms were hard around me. I wanted this, needed this. "'Do not go gentle into this dark night,'" he said. "'Rage, rage.' go ahead. Rage. DO it, Olivia."
For a moment, I went mad. I pounded on him, and I wept, and he didn't say anything else. I didn't think. I just acted. I don't even know what I did, but when I calmed down, finally, Bobby had scratches on his hands and chest.
We didn't say anything for a long time, but he didn't stop holding me.
Six-Thirty AM
I sat by the window and watched the light come up over the city.
Bobby came up behind me and put a cup of coffee in my hand.
"Thanks," I said, looking up at him. He smiled shyly, color rising in his face. I smiled back. "Maybe you better shave. We have to go to work."
He scrubbed a hand over his chin, "Do you really think anyone will notice I haven't shaved?"
"Mm. No, I guess not."
We didn't say anything for a long moment.
"You're cute, you know?" I said. I had never said that to a man before. It felt stange, but it was true.
"My partner doesn't think so."
"Ah, she has no taste."
"Guess not. Speaking of partners-" He leaned down and kissed me. "What about yours?"
"What about him?"
"He's in love with you."
"No he isn't." I sipped my coffee.
"Let me ask you something, Detective," Bobby said, his fingers playing in my hair. "Do you think I'm.the kind of person who notices things?"
"You? You notice everything."
"Yes. I do. And I notice the way Stabler looks at you."
"How does he look at me?" I didn't like the way this conversation was going.
He paced away, thinking, a tall genius in t-shirt and briefs. "Like.he owns you. Like.he knows.what you're thinking.what's best for you."
I felt a flash of irritation. "Nobody owns me."
He crossed back to me, crouching down, setting the coffee on the floor. "Hey," he said, brushing back my bangs. "I know that. Don't shut down on me, Olivia.Please."
I sighed. "I'm not. But I really don't want to talk about Stabler."
He smiled. "Want to talk about me?"
I leaned forward, touching my forehead to his. "I think I know what I need to know about you, Detective Goren."
He laughed, and the momentary tension was broken. "Want to take a shower?"
"Oh, yeah." I said. "Definitely."
