I do not own anything in this story, but some names are my own invention. Also, I would like to apologize in advance to all those who have chosen alternative lifestyles.
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Mario materializes at the end of a path leading to a small Piñata village. A couple of the native kids are playing on a Slip & Slide that runs downhill towards a river. The air smells minty-fresh.
Random Piñata 1: Welcome to Binaca Hills!
Random Piñata 2: Hi, I'm the sunglasses salesman. I'm running a special offer just for you: Collect 30 Rainbow Bright dolls, and I'll give you a pair of my sunglasses free!
He holds up a pair of sunglasses with a rainbow as the top part of the rims.
Mario: Umm-a, no thanks-a.
Mario runs towards the slip and slide, while the sunglasses salesman, cussing, kicks a nearby fruit tree. Mario bellyflops down the hill and splashes into the creek at the bottom. He jumps onto the nearby log and then onto the shore. A Piñata female runs up to him frantically.
Piñata woman: Help,theroadtothewindmillhasbeencoveredinpaintandwedon'tknowwhattodo,eventhoughwehavenouseforthewindmillwhatsoeverandwehaveclosedofthesectionthatiscoveredinpaintsoyouhavetogooverthewaterwheeloverthere!
Mario: Huh?
F.A.G.: JUST GO OVER THE WATERWHEEL, IDIOT.
Mario: I don't-a need your help-a!
Mario tries to jump over the wheel, but only succeeds in smacking his face on the wall above it. Finally, he realizes that he needs to ride on the paddles. Once over, he sees that a path is indeed covered in the strange paint-like goop, and that there seems to be a large pile of it at the foot of the bridge. As he walks towards this, one of the flowers pops up out of the ground and starts hop towards Mario.
Plant creature: Hi, I'm a representative of Jehovah's Witness, and I would like to talk to you about the benefits of our cul . . . organization.
Mario: Die, you demon!
He jumps on top of it, then heads towards the paint and cleans it up. When he reaches the bridge, a piranha plant rises up out of the pile of goop.
Mario: Surprise, surprise.
Piranha plant (in a Scottish accent): I'm gonna eat ya now. Get in mee belle!
F.A.G.: PLANTS DON'T HAVE BELLIES, DUMBA%#.
Piranha plant: Uhhh . . .
Meanwhile, Mario squirts water in the plant's mouth, causing it to wither and die. A Rainbow Bright doll appears, and Mario does the Mario Shuffle.
Mario: Can we-a go back to-a the plaza now-a?
F.A.G.: NO, WE MUST COLLECT ALL TEN OF THE DOLLS IN THIS AREA. WE DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO BACKTRACK NOW, DO WE?
Mario: I guess not.
Suddenly, they hear a trombone blast a slightly flat A sharp. They look up to see another piranha plant standing on top of the windmill, playing a trombone. It looks very nervous. A sign nearby reads: "Today only, Petey Piranha plays trombone!"
Random Piñata 3: Come on, give the little guy some support!
The crowd of Piñatas cheer and whistle.
Mario: No-a, don't provoke-a him!
Random Piñata 3: Okay.
He climbs into his ark filled with animals.
Mario: 0.o
Meanwhile, Petey honks on the trombone again, only this time a ball of goop comes flying out.
Random Piñata 4: Run away, run away!
The Piñatas run away, trailing candy and paper máche. Meanwhile, Mario climbs the windmill until he is face to navel with the monstrosity. Suddenly, the roof starts to crack.
Mario: I knew-a that I shouldn't-a eaten at-a Fazzoli's.
The roof caves in, and Mario and Petey find themselves inside the windmill.
Mario: You would think there would be gears in here. . .
F.A.G.: UMM, MARIO, WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.
Petey has gotten up, and is starting to regurgitate paint.
Mario and F.A.G.: Ewww!
Mario sprays Petey in the mouth, until his belly is about to burst.
Mario: What's-a all this talk-a about plants not-a having bellies?
F.A.G.: SHUT UP AND JUST GROUND-POUND HIS NAVEL.
Mario is about to do just that, when he notices that Petey is wearing a belly ring.
Mario: I've-a got a better-a idea.
Mario grabs the ring and starts to pull, until the ring tears out of Petey's navel. Petey screams, turns to paint, and then crumbles, leaving a Rainbow Bright doll. Mario picks it up and does the Mario shuffle.
Mario: What-a now, oh enlightened she-male-a?
F.A.G.: THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT.
Mario: I-a was being-a sarcastic.
F.A.G.: WELL, PERHAPS WE SHOULD ASK THE LOCALS FOR HELP.
So Mario climbs out of the windmill (don't ask me how it turns, since there are no gears inside) and head toward the village. They find a run-down hut housing a hag.
F.A.G.: PERHAPS YOU SHOULD ASK HER FOR HELP.
Mario: Why-a?
F.A.G.: BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE A WITCH, AND SHE MIGHT HAVE SOME INFORMATION FOR YOU!
Mario: Jeez-a, alright.
Mario walks over to the hag and sits down in her hut.
Mario: So-a, can you-a tell me where-a the next-a Rainbow Bright Doll is-a?
Hag: It knows of a cave, a cave of secrets . . .
Mario: And this-a cave, it-a holds the-a doll?
Hag: Search out the secret of the lakeside cave.
She cackles, and she and the hut disappear.
Mario: Weird-a.
F.A.G.: PERHAPS YOU SHOULD FOLLOW HER ADVICE.
Mario: Why-a couldn't I just-a be stuck with-a nice fire flower?
Mario heads towards the lakeside cave, crosses the raised platforms in the lake, and finds himself in front of the cave, all without using F.A.G.'s help.
F.A.G.: IMPRESSIVE, FOR A FAT HETERO.
Mario: Blow-a me.
F.A.G.: I WOULD LOVE TO, IF I COULD REACH.
Mario shudders. He enters the cave, only to find . . .
Mario: WEEGIE?!!
Standing in the cave is Luigi, wearing a green ballerina's outfit, complete with tutu, slippers, and a silver tiara. He held a silver wand in his hand.
Luigi: I can explain! Their holding auditions for Swan Lake!
Mario: But you're dressed in women's clothing!!
F.A.G.: ANALYSIS SHOWS SIGNS OF A PAINT-LIKE RESIDUE COVERING HIS BODY.
Mario sprays Luigi with F.A.G., and he returns to his normal state. The ballerina's outfit becomes a green plumber's outfit, the tiara becomes a green cap, and the wand becomes a plunger.
Luigi: Oh, thank you, bro! I couldn't control myself for a moment. Here, take my Rainbow Bright Doll as thanks.
Mario starts to do the Mario shuffle, then stops and stares at his brother.
Mario: o.0
But as soon as he does this, Luigi has vanished.
Mario: This is-a getting weirder and-a weirder . . .
As Mario exits the cave, a Piñata in a pin-striped suit is standing in the center of the road to the windmill.
Ringleader Piñata: Come one, come all! Step right up! The first person to collect all eight of my special red coins gets a FREE Rainbow Bright Doll! Step right up!
Mario realizes his opportunity and begins to collect all of the coins he can find. When he reaches the top of the wall, a ghost materializes before him.
Mario: Hmm, if I-a look at him-a, maybe he'll-a vanish.
F.A.G.: MARIO, THIS IS NOT A BOO. IT IS NOT THAT SHY, AND IF YOU DON'T MOVE, HE WILL ONLY RAM INTO YOU.
Ghost: Actually, I am an official salesghost of Avon supplies.
Mario: Ahhh-a!!!
Mario runs off.
F.A.G.: (as Mario runs away) RESERVE YOUR FACE CREAM FOR ME . . .
Needless to say, Mario eventually gathers all of the red coins, avoiding the salesghosts he meets. Once he has all of the coins, he returns to the Ringleader Piñata.
Ringleader Piñata: We have a winner!
He hands Mario the Rainbow Bright Doll, leaving Mario to do the Mario Shuffle (is it just me, or does this sound like a Dance Dance Fever clone?). Suddenly, a loud trombone blast is heard coming over the Binaca Hills.
Mario: Uh-oh . . .
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What did you think? Sorry I haven't updated in a while!
