I do not own anything in this story, but some names are my own invention.  Also, I would like to apologize in advance to all those who have chosen alternative lifestyles.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

As Mario turns around, another sharp trombone blast can be heard coming over the hills lying behind the small Piñata village of Binaca Hills.

Mario:  What-a was that-a?

F.A.G: USE YOUR BRAIN.  WHO HAVE WE MET WHO PLAYS TROMBONE?

Mario thinks for a little bit, looking confused, and then a light bulb suddenly appears above his head.  Mario grabs the light bulb, then drops it due to its incredible heat.

F.A.G: MORON.

Sudden realization dawns on his face.

Mario: 0.0 It's-a Petey Piranha!…-a.

Mario climbs to the top of the village bell tower, crosses over the tightrope which has no apparent function, and climbs the cliff face to the top of the hill.  There, he finds that the land is covered in goop, and the munchkin blobs are bubbling up everywhere.  Mario spin jumps and sprays F.A.G, clearing the area of Malevolent Homosexual Mind Control Goop™ (MHMCG).  He then sees that Petey is standing on a plateau in the middle of an endlessly deep ravine (many of these in the Mushroom Kingdom, aren't there?), dancing and blowing on the trombone in an unnatural fashion (rectally).

Mario:  How-a am I-a supposed to hit-a him when he's-a all the way-a over there-a?

However, Mario soon finds a solution, in the form of floating pig balloons with sucker mouths.  One of these attaches to F.A.G's mouth, and suddenly a heart appears between the pig balloon's and F.A.G's head while the love theme from "Romeo and Juliet" plays in the background.

Pig Balloon:  (in a feminine voice)  I finally kissed a guy, oink!

F.A.G:  YOU ARE FEMALE?  BLECK!!!

F.A.G tries to shake the pig balloon off, but is unsuccessful.  Resignedly, the aquatic gun sprays water into the balloon's mouth, causing it to swell to about the size of Mario's head.  This causes Mario much discomfort, and he presses the release lever on F.A.G's handles.  The balloon shoots towards Petey at high velocity, coming into contact with the flower's rectal blow horn.  The result is an explosion comparable to a small missile.  When the smoke clears, Petey is covered in soot, a furious expression on his face.

Petey:  Balloon go boom-boom!  Me hurt now!  ME KILL YOU!!!

Mario and F.A.G: Uh-oh(-a)…

Mario leaps off of the hill, lands perfectly without hurting himself in any way, and starts to run towards the creek.  Suddenly, flapping can be heard in the air, and Petey appears from over the hill, flying over the village.  Mario sprays water up at the bloated plant, but Petey only turns around and spews MHMCG all over the village, causing the houses and residents to sink into the ground.  Mario is getting ready to spray Petey again, when F.A.G suddenly speaks.

F.A.G:  HANG ON, I HAVE AN IDEA.

F.A.G's leopard-skin belt unbuckles on its own, and F.A.G switches to the Rocket Nozzle (For a quick, powerful release every time!).  Everything goes into slow motion as F.A.G rises into the air, then stops completely as a message appears across the screen:  Steer F.A.G Towards Petey's Mouth!  The screen cuts out to the player, who has an evil grin on his face.  Back in the game, the word GO! appears on the screen, and time speeds up to normal.  F.A.G  flies towards Petey's mouth, then at the last second does an amazing loop-de-loop, flies between Petey's tiny leafy legs, and right into his anus.

Mario: 0.o -a

F.A.G:  6_6 I GUESS THIS IS THE CLOSEST I'LL EVER GET TO REAL… LOVE.

Petey:  This reminds me of this one time, at band camp..

But suddenly, Petey lets out a high-pitched scream as F.A.G switches to the spray nozzle.  Petey's belly (which really shouldn't exist since plants don't have bellies…

Everyone in Game:  Get on with it!

As I was saying, Petey's belly quickly filled with water, causing it to bloat to about the size of…Mario's belly!

Mario:  Hey-a, I've been-a trying Weight-a Watchers, but the-a portions are so-a small!

Now, if everyone will STOP INTERRUPTING ME, we can get on with the story.  Good?  Good.  So, quite abruptly, F.A.G rockets out of Petey's multi-talented rectum, his nozzle covered in brown paint.

Everyone: 0.o

F.A.G: OH, SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE I'VE FINALLY FOUND YOU…

Anyway, as this silly scene plays out to its full conclusion, Petey falls to the ground, Mario Ground Pounds his navel, collects the Rainbow bright doll, does the Mario Shuffle, yadda yadda yadda.

Mario:  Woo-hoo!  We finally got-a the Doll after two-a pages!  Now-a what?

But suddenly, Mario's question is answered for him, as a bright neon glow appears from behind the windmill (which still seems to have no purpose).  Mario cleans F.A.G in the river, puts the pump back on his back (Here we go-a!), and runs to the lake.  Once there, it is apparent what the neon sign reads:  "Dirty Lake Cave.  Secret!"

Mario:  I don't-a know-a, it could-a be a trap-a…

F.A.G:  GEEZ!  PROOF THAT EVEN IF YOU'RE STRAIGHT, YOUR MIND MIGHT BE CURVED.

Ignoring this needlessly rude comment, Mario jumps onto the nearest leaf-boat, sprays F.A.G in the direction opposite of that which he wishes to go, and finally arrives at the Secret Cave.  When Mario enters it, he finds himself in a strange room, which is decorated in pink hearts, poofy cushions, and a single coffee table shaped like a hand.  "Centerfold" by the Jay Guilles Band is playing in the background.  Mario sits on one of the cushions, then notices a magazine lying upon the table, which is entitled "Mushroom Kingdom Menagerie".  Mario picks up the magazine, and when he opens it, a poster unfolds, the sight of which causes him to scream.  He throws it on the table, revealing a naughty secret:  Peach is the centerfold, entirely nude except for her crown.  Meanwhile, F.A.G is acting rather strangely.

F.A.G:  STRAIGHT PORNOGRAPHY IN AREA!  HOMO DEFENSE MECHANISM!

F.A.G's nozzle begins to spin rapidly while spraying water, drenching the cave walls.  Suddenly, the room seems to melt away, until all that is left is a Rainbow Bright Doll sitting on a boulder.  Mario grabs the doll and does the Mario shuffle, then runs out of the cave.  As soon as Mario exits into the lake, a random Piñata can be heard shouting.

Random Piñata:  Shadow Mario on the loose! Ba-dub ba-dub!

Mario:  He-a looks nothing-a like me-a!

But sure enough, Jack is running around the village, trying on penny loafers and causing all-around havoc.

Jack:  Haha!  I'm just one naughty boy!  Come here and spank me, tubby!

Mario jumps out of the lake and chases Jack, but the master homo is just too slippery for him.  Exasperated, Mario is about to give up, when suddenly he gets an ingenious idea.  A few minutes later…

Mario:  Hey-a flabby buns-a!

Enraged, Jack prances over to Mario.  He's just about to slap the plumber, when something catches his eye.

Jack:  Gucci!!!

Jack runs over to the bag lying on the ground, ecstatic.   However, he realizes (too late) that this is a trap, as a cage falls from above.  Cornered, Jack does the YMCA, which causes him to disappear.  In his place is a Rainbow Bright Doll. Mario lifts the cage, grabs the doll, yadda yadda yadda.

F.A.G.:  YOU KNOW, THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE AN EPISODE OF SEINFIELD.

Mario is just about to comment, when suddenly something purple runs by.  Mario starts to chase after the blur, but in only a few seconds, a lightning bolt strikes it, sending red coins all over the lake.  After watching all this, Mario looks down at the place where the lightning struck and immediately spots a charred crocodile with a very familiar hat.

Mario:  Croco-a?

Croco:  No, it's Croco!  Jeez, you're mind's so slow, you couldn't outwit a turtle!  Now, could you do me a favor?  See all those red coins?  I need them for…uh…private business.  You think you could move your fat butt and get them for me?

Mario:  Why-a should I-a?

Croco:  Maybe this could sweeten the deal.

He holds out a Rainbow Bright Doll.

Mario:  Okie-dokie!

So, Mario grabs a rocket nozzle, gets onto the unnecessarily complicated rope arrangement, and collects all of the red coins while managing to avoid the Avon salesghosts.  When he collects the last coin, Mario tries to do a dance, slips magnificently, and falls to the ground.  Luckily, he lands on a puffy little person, who is effectively squashed like a Goomba; Mario, however, is unhurt.

Croco:  Wow, you got all the coins AND you squashed the brat that zapped me.  Thanks a million!  Here's your crummy little doll.

With that, Croco zooms off and Mario does the Mario Shuffle on top of the puffy guy.  After a few minutes, though, Mario realizes what he is doing and bends down to pick the guy up.  Only then does Mario recognize him.

Mario:  Mallow?

Mallow:  I'm a frog!

Mallow tries to jump, trips over his own feet, and tumbles into the lake, where he is attacked violently by the water bugs.

F.A.G.: ONLY ONE MORE TASK.

Mario:  What-a would that-a be?

But, as always, Mario's question is answered for him, as the sunglass salesman runs up to him.

Sunglass Salesman:  You'll never guess what I found!  It's a Rainbow Bright Doll!  I'll sell it to you for 100 coins!  Ba-dub ba-dub!

Mario: Shove-a it.

Mario punches the salesman in the face, grabs the doll and runs.  While he's running, he does the Mario Shuffle (to save time and look like an idiot).

Mario:  Woo-hoo!  Now-a can we leave-a?

F.A.G.: YES.

Mystery Voice:  Not so fast.

Suddenly, the sky grows dark and stormy.  As a lightning bolt shoots across the sky, a huge mass falls out of thin air and crashes into the village.  As the mass stands up, Mario realizes that it is a 9'6", 723 lb. lizard, whose name is…

Mario:  0.0 Larry Koopa!...-a.

Da-da-dum!

Larry:  Yes, it is I.  As you can see, I am fully grown now, and my voice no longer cracks.  Mwuahaha!  But you won't be leaving me here alone, cause once I'm done with you, I'm going to take those dolls of yours and use them to turn all of Broadway gay!  Mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

F.A.G.:  YOU IDIOT.  MOST OF BROADWAY IS QUEERER THAN A FISH IN A RAINCOAT.

Larry:  Did..you..just..call..me..an IDIOT?!!

Larry goes into a rage and charges at Mario, who backflips onto a building.  Larry crashes into the building, sending Mario flying.  Mario gets up a second later, however, and runs towards Larry, who is standing bow-legged and ready to blow flames.  Mario dodges flames, slides between Larry's legs, kicks up from the ground, and grabs the koopa's tail.  Mario pulls the tail, bringing Larry to his belly, and starts swinging the koopa prince around in circles.  Finally, Mario let's go, sending Larry flying over the Binaca Hills.

Petey: (sitting on his plateau)  Me high from fumes.  Whoa, that cloud look like…

Splat!

Mario does the Mario Shuffle, and then a bright rainbow light flashes, causing him to disappear.

Narrator:  Mario and F.A.G. have finally cleaned the polluted pot-smoker's paradise, Binaca Hills.  Mario has collected 10 Rainbow Bright Dolls, but there are many more to find and his quest is far from over.  Will Mario and F.A.G. be able to clean the island?  Why was Larry Koopa here?  Mario will struggle to find the answers to these questions, as well as a health center, as he travels to the port town of Reek-o Harbor!

Would you like to save?

-Yes.

-If you even THINK about saying no, I will erase your entire Memory card and then hunt you down like an animal!

Yes.

The screen fades to black, as does the gamer's mind.