Author's Note - Oh well despite some negative reviews I shall continue on in the spirit of International Rescue- not giving up if there is life in peril (even if it is my own!!!) This Chapter is one of recap to understand why Jeff feels as he does. It is in two parts. Hope you enjoy it and are not too severe in the reviews.

CHAPTER 4 - RELIVING THE NIGHTMARE - PART 1.

He never ceased to feel at peace here on this island, listening to the palm trees rustle and hearing the waves lap the shore. It instilled a feeling of contentment with life and gratitude at where life had taken him.

The weather was calm, the night sky was clear, and somewhere up there in space, Thunderbird Five kept its lonely vigil over the earth unattended. Well at least he hoped that was what it was doing.

Leaning over the balcony looking out to the darkened Pacific Ocean Jeff Tracy contemplated his dual life as the founder of Tracy Aerospace and as the driving force behind the International Rescue Outfit… and then his most important role of all -that of a sole parent.

What those boys did never ceased to amaze him not only in the aerospace industry but also in valour and quick thinking, saving lives all across the world without thought for their own safety. Five more committed, talented and fearless men could not be found anywhere. Sure, he had provided the capital for the outfit but it was his boys that made International Rescue the organisation that it was. He was happy that all five of them were asleep under this roof right now even though he felt a pinch of worry that International Rescue may let someone down as a result of it.

He wondered if maybe it would have been prudent to forget about insisting that all of the boys accompanied him to visit their Mother's grave this year and asked either John or Alan to remain in Thunderbird 5. He could imagine the reaction though - John had been very close to his Mother and probably would have been hurt and Alan - well he would have jumped to the conclusion that he was being sent away for some reason or other and carried on in his usual quick-tempered and immature manner.

After all it had been 20 years now - a very long time to still be feeling as he did and he knew that. Maybe if he had have thought about it more often years ago he'd be over it by now - who could say. Do you ever "get over" loving a woman as completely as he had loved Lucy? Despite accepting that after 20 years he should be trying to forget the past Jeff Tracy only really permitted himself to think about it once each year and felt he needed his sons around him at that time - all five of them. He wanted them to remember their past too.

It seemed though that instead of getting better, unfortunately things had been getting steadily worse with this ritual and Jeff hated seeing his sons unhappy. He loved them too much for that. He made a conscious decision that this year things would change.

The way he figured it was that he had to address the issue of why Alan seemed determined to argue with him at this time of year. Nine years in a row was draining and down right ridiculous. He knew why the boy did it and felt sad that he should feel any sort of guilt about his Mother but Alan never let him get close enough to say that.

Last year was a big mistake and Jeff knew that it started only because he had been feeling very vulnerable and Alan had taken what he said totally out of context and well -the fireworks had begun. Jeff Tracy would normally not enter into an argument with any of his sons, despite offering a bit of much-needed "guidance" to each of them every now and then. Well he had to say it - there had been blame on both sides - there was no doubt about that.

If only Alan hadn't have stormed off like that. It had been a cause of worry for both he and his Mother for quite some weeks. Still, the boy had come home, had apologised, Jeff too had apologised and as far as he was concerned the matter was over.

The past was the past when he dealt with his sons. They'd all done some of the most dreadful things as youngsters and if he'd have held a grudge for each and everything those kids had done, he wouldn't be talking to any of them!!!

He chuckled a little at the thought of it.

His mood changed and a frown stole across his forehead.

He also needed to have a good talk to that youngest son of his about Tin-Tin. He had observed the change in the relationship those two shared as only a Father can and ironically so had Tin-Tin's Father Kyrano. Kyrano had remarked that the way they interacted with each other in the house would make anyone think they were "involved". Jeff had worried instantly. He loved Tin-Tin like a daughter and he knew how impetuous Alan was and didn't want there to be - dare he think it - any mistakes. Still Alan was a man now - even though Jeff wondered how he had ever made it sometimes - and guidance might be the last thing he wanted. Still he would talk to him anyway if only to appease his own mind and most probably that of Kyrano's.

The final thing he knew he needed to make right before feeling more settled about the past was to try to get inside the emotional shield that John had put up around himself. If things were to change for the better and some sort of resolution reached with John, Jeff knew he had to be the one to do it.

Decisions made he turned off the light and lay down on his bed cradling his hands behind his head and allowed himself to remember those last two years leading up to the day his perfect world ended.

The years where his two youngest sons had been born and the day his beloved Lucy had died.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

Jeff was in a stage of his life where he had done all of the hard yards. Entering his mid 30's, he had it all - a previous successful commission in the Air Force, hand picked selection in NASA, several shuttle expeditions, a moon landing, a very successful aerospace business which looked like netting him a handsome profit yet again that year and a marriage pretty well made in heaven.

He'd been married to Lucy at the time for almost nine years and he loved her as much then as he had when he had first set eyes on her at a party, one year prior to that. It had been almost love at first sight for him and she'd obviously felt the same way as several months later she had agreed to come to America and move in with him. He was totally smitten with her, hardly able to concentrate on his studies he was so giddy with love. NASA had not been pleased at his temporary distractions. The only way he got himself back on track with his career was to ask Lucy to marry him within a few months of her arrival in Housten. He didn't have to ask her twice.

Scott was born not 8 months after the wedding. Lucy had never stopped teasing Jeff that their wedding could have been a "shot gun type" if it would have been held any later, even though she did not know she was pregnant when he slid the wedding ring on her finger. Despite the teasing, deep down Jeff knew she had been disappointed (he would never say "unhappy"), at the prospect of a child so soon.

Still - Lucy was Lucy and life just went on with her and Jeff loved that quality about her.

Virgil and John were a different story. Lucy had planned their conceptions right down to the last detail!

After John, they had decided their family was complete. Three strong sons - all-different, Scott like him, Virgil like her and Johnny - a bit of both but very highly strung. Johns wailings quite often made Jeff wonder if this was why the two of them didn't want anymore children!

Lucy had desperately wanted a little girl and often chided him that Tracy men could not father them. There hadn't been a daughter in the Tracy family for at least five generations according to Josie. Even so, three children was enough, especially with the business growing and Jeff away from home often. Jeff was worried he might get himself into a position where he could not give his sons the fathering they needed and wanted to concentrate on doing the best he could with the three little boys he loved, no that they both loved, so dearly.

Well another theory blown out of the water!!

Not twelve months after their decision was taken, Lucy had telephoned him at the Office. She'd told him she had a Doctor's appointment that day but had declined to tell him what the appointment had been about. He had always been mindful of her privacy and didn't pry, knowing she would tell him anyway as they chatted away in the evening.

"Hey - how's my girl?" he had asked her, happy to hear her voice on the other end.

Her voice came over the telephone, disgruntled and unhappy.

"Pregnant - that's how I am."

Jeff's response had been a quiet "Oh".

He didn't know quite how to react to the news especially when it was news that genuinely displeased him.

"Jeff I just can't believe it. I don't know how this could have happened." she almost snapped with disbelief in her voice.



"We'll talk about it tonight Lucy" he had soothed but he knew it wasn't much good trying to talk over the telephone on this subject. He sighed, rolled up the plans he had been working on, closed down his computer and informed his staff as he walked out that he was going home to deal with a "family matter."

Once there, it had taken him nearly the rest of the day to talk her into a sense of quiet resignation which finally came as he pointed out that one and one made three unless you were careful.

"I was careful" she sulked. "You know that".

She had almost worn the carpet out that afternoon pacing up and down!

Well the two of them had to accept the inevitable and Lucy set about trying to make John grow up a little faster than she had first planned, knowing that she only had six months to do it in.

Wrong again!!!!

The accident occurred four months later with Lucy falling heavily when she was on an outing with the boys. He had been on the other side of the United States on business at the time. Only seven months pregnant, and having a wretched pregnancy into the bargain, her waters had broken and the baby had gone into immediate stress, leaving the doctors no option other to perform an immediate Caesarean section.

Jeff had received an emergency telephone call from the hospital and had literally "dropped everything" in a sheer panic attack, boarding his jet and flying himself across the country to be with her. He didn't know where his three little sons were - no idea about how serious Lucy's condition was and if the baby had survived. As he willed the plane to go faster he kept reminding himself that this was the very reason he had only wanted three children. Any more and he feared he'd have trouble but he thought he'd have trouble being a good Father to them - not making sure they made it into the world OK!!

Gordon Leroy Tracy had a quick and eventful welcome to the world before his Father reached the hospital and lay in intensive care struggling to breathe in a humidicrib. Lucy lay under observation in the maternity ward, drugged but awake enough to be visibly upset. Scott, Virgil and John sat with the nurses having a right royal time; oblivious to the whole thing, although the three of them had been very very happy to see "Daddy".

Jeff had kissed Lucy, squeezing her hand and tried to reassure her everything would be all right saying light heartedly that this was her best attempt ever to get him home for Valentine's Day.

She tried to respond his attempts to comfort her but she was desperately worried about Gordon's chances of survival and was already blaming herself for his early arrival into the world..

Gordon suffered a few setbacks at the start but he was a strong little fellow who was determined to survive and he came home only a few days after he would have been due, sporting a mop of auburn hair and the most crystal clear green eyes. A fourth son - so different from the other three. And still no girl!!!!

Lucy for her part recovered reasonably quickly from the physical experience and was soon discharged but spent the next two months running to and from the hospital, whilst still trying to get John to cling a little less to her so she would be able to cope with the baby. John being John - it wasn't very successful!

Life had settled down for them again and despite now having four children it didn't really change that much. Jeff loved his tiny red haired son and made a conscious effort to come home early from work each day so that he could give Lucy a break from the baby. He was conscious she needed time to herself.

They needed time to themselves too. Jeff had become acutely aware that with the time he was away from home coupled with spending hours with his boys, he had been neglecting Lucy a bit. She didn't complain but Jeff himself felt more than just a bit guilty.

He had plans of expanding his business overseas soon and this would mean that he would need to travel abroad and he knew he would be placing a very large burden on Lucy to raise the boys in his absence.

He decided he would arrange a special evening at home for the two of them to discuss his plans and gauge her reaction before he committed the capital to developing them. His family still came first and if she disagreed because the boys were too young - well - he could live with that for now.

He arranged for his Mother to come from Kansas and take the older three children out for the evening. Josie understood why they needed time alone and offered to take Gordon too. Lucy, whilst excited at the prospect of having Jeff all to herself for a change, still felt very protective of her four month old baby and what he had been through already in his short time in the world. She declined the offer, hoping Josie would not take offence - which she didn't - saying that Gordon would not cause any problem if he just stayed home.

Once the boys had gone, the two of them marvelled at the quiet peace that suddenly consumed the house and laughed at how much free time they must have had when it was just the two of them. Jeff felt a great happiness seeing her laugh like that. She hadn't changed in the near 11 years he had known her. He loved her as much now as he did at the start and did not know how she could have stayed so unaffected by everything they had been through together whilst he had changed so much.

"You know Jeff" she said, "You never change" she said, wiping that thought from his mind almost immediately!.

"How's that?" he asked putting his arms around her prepared for a good story.



"You've got something you're going to tell me and that's why we're alone." she replied returning the gesture. She looked up at him, very much in love with the man who was Jeff Tracy despite his terrible habit of making decisions and then informing her of them later. Luckily for them both so far he had made the right decisions.

"Am I that obvious Luce?" he said looking surprised, pulling her close into his body.

"Come on Jeff - I haven't been married to you this long for nothing."

He reddened and opened his mouth to speak but didn't, deciding instead to kiss those full lips of hers. After a good two minutes she pulled back and said,

"Don't change the subject now. What are you up to in that Aerospace world of yours?"

"I 'll talk it over with you in bed if you like" he said softly. She just looked at him.

"You needn't think I'll agree with you if you take me there," she replied giving him a lighthearted warning. "This whole thing was just a plot to give me an idea of what's going to happen next in the business Jeff and here I was thinking you just wanted to be alone with me."

She feigned a hurt look and then burst into laughter as he went even redder.

"I do want to be alone with you Luce but yeah I want to talk to you about the business too." he said shame facedly

"I knew it!" she exclaimed pretending to push him away with her hands.



He bent to kiss her again and she did not resist him. In the nursery Gordon woke up and grizzled for his bottle. The two of them looked at each other and Lucy sighed,

"Right on cue. I'm sure he knows whenever you come anywhere near me.."

She went to break free from his embrace but Jeff did not let her go. He had that look in his eyes that she knew very well.

"For once my son can wait." he breathed and took her hand.

Almost an hour later the two of them were sat up in the dining room, Jeff feeding Gordon his bottle, the little baby sniffling wretchedly at the delay he had experienced in getting his needs attended to. Lucy, clad only in a water green silk robe, was making some dinner for the two of them and looked across from the kitchen, laughing at the display of sheer misery their son was putting on as a result of having to wait for his bottle and some dry pants.

"Oh Gordie that's simply tragic!" she exclaimed as he started to hiccup between sniffs and half-sobs.

Gordon heard his Mothers voice and turned away from his bottle to look for her. He fixed his azure green eyes on her and broke into a huge grin that simply melted Lucy's heart. She smiled at him lovingly. Jeff, however, hadn't taken his eyes off her. He could never live without this jewel in his life. She was his best friend.



"I love you Lucy."

The words came out before he'd even thought to say them.

"Sure you do!" she grinned placing the two plates on the table. "You want me to agree to something with your Business"

"No - I mean it," he said earnestly.

She smiled softly. She knew that he did.

"I know sweetie. I love you too."

Gordon had had enough of his bottle and Lucy took him from Jeff and sat him on her lap. She was pretty good these days at nursing a baby with one hand and trying to eat with the other. When John was about, she usually had to nurse two of them so tonight was nothing!. The little ginger-haired baby turned his head to look at her and she kissed the top of his head listening to him gurgle with delight.

"So"

"What?"

"What are you up to in the business that you had to get your mother to come all the way from Kansas for."

"Well - I've been thinking."

"What's new Jeff?"

"I am thinking about expanding again"

"Where this time?"

"Malaysia"

"Malaysia???"

Oh oh. He didn't like how she just said that!

"Let me finish Luce - I am thinking of more than just Malaysia.

"Where else?"

"China."

"What?"

"Well - I've studied the markets and production costs and if I put in the work early and it pays off I should be able to pretty well assure you we'll be set up for life."

"Can we afford to?"

"If I do it in the right way. It's a big risk I'd be taking and I need your support."

"How much of the Company are you going to use?"

"80% "

"Jeff that's a big risk."

"I realise that and I know it will be hard on you and the boys."

"I don't know if I could cope by myself for that long Jeff".

"I can hire someone to help you out."

"It's not the same Jeff. The boys need you here. I need you here."

"I know but it's the right time to do this Lucy. I can find a balance with work and the kids."

He had his business voice on again and when he spoke like that Lucy knew he really wanted to do it because he knew he could. Jeff was a risk-taker. Always had been. She liked that in him despite the security problem.

"But 80%? Jeff what if it doesn't work out?"

"I'll work hard. It will work out."

"You work way to hard already Jeff."

"I'm doing it for us Lucy."

Silence. Then the answer he had hoped to hear.

"Well I'll guess I'll have to cope then."

Dinner was cold now of course! Giving Gordon back to Jeff she picked up the plates and returned to the kitchen to reheat the food, pausing to say.

"For that news Jeff I think I deserved more than just a night alone with you. You still owe me."

"Really? Well who says it's over yet."

"Jeff!"

Dinner finally over, the dishes untouched, a pile of laundry waiting to be sorted, top level plans needed for a meeting in the morning still unopened on the table and Gordon awake in his cot ready to complain at any minute, the two of them lay again in each others arms.

"I really need to get up Jeff," she whispered.

He kissed the side of her cheek.

"Why?"

"Your Mother will be home with the boys soon that's why." Lucy replied matter of factly, "and anyway Gordon's starting up again. I thought he'd have been no trouble but he seems restless tonight. "

Jeff ran his hand over her shoulder, that milk-white English skin he loved so well.

"He doesn't want to share you with me that's what his problem is." said Jeff.

Pausing for a moment he kissed her again and then mused.

"He's such a cute little guy."

He looked intensely at that precious woman who was his wife, holding her hand in his.

Almost ashamed he admitted, "Lucy you know I wasn't pleased at the time but I'm kind of glad we made that mistake."

"Me too." she agreed stroking his forehead , "Thank you for giving Gordon to me Jeff."

…………………………………………………………………………………………...............

The push into Asia had commenced and Lucy had found it difficult to cope already.

When Jeff did something, he did it in a big way and he had already been away on three week- long trips in the past two months since their conversation. Coupled with the current demands on his time in the States, there was hardly anytime to take a breath. Jeff felt uneasy that he had already lost the balance he promised Lucy he would find between this new project and his family.

However he had made a decision that day not to travel for a month or two and was happy to be heading home. He closed the door of the car and walked up the pathway-taking note that the lawn needed a cut. Lucy must have forgotten to telephone and organise it.



She greeted him at the door with a face that didn't appear too pleased to see him. After he kissed her, she promptly handed him Gordon who was crying like there was no tomorrow, his little face redder than his hair. She turned on her heel and left the room. Knowing how hard it was for her and noting how tired she appeared, he had decided to leave her to herself and went to find the other boys, pausing only to pick up the telephone and arrange for the lawn.

After two hours and when she did not re-appear to make Dinner, he had gone to find her to see what was wrong. He was worried at what she was going to say to him, knowing full well what the answer was going to be. He found her upstairs on their bed in tears. Lucy didn't cry - ever. Things had to be pretty bad for her to cry. It really threw him off guard to see her like that.

"Honey what's wrong?" he remembered asking her, sitting down on the bed and stroking her head.

"Has Gordon finally stopped crying?" she blubbered. She was more upset than their baby had been. Jeff told her Gordon had taken a bottle and gone off to sleep not 10 minutes after he had arrived home and Scott was watching Virgil and John in front of the television. Outside, the gardener had finished up with the lawn and Jeff had ordered some take-out to be delivered for Dinner.

She did not reply and lay with her back to him still crying as if her heart was going to break.

"Sweetie talk to me" he said as gently as he could becoming quite alarmed. He turned her to him and lay down next to her pulling her into his arms. She pulled away from him, much to his horror, something she had never done before. She stood up and looked out the window her face buried in her hands as she tried to compose herself.

He sat back up and waited quietly for her to settle herself down, still shell-shocked that things had become so bad that she was rejecting his genuine attempts to love her.

It took some time for her to be able to talk. Jeff thought he would help and began

"Lucy - baby - I know it's been rough and I promised it wouldn't be. I'm sorry it's upset you so much."

She had just looked at him and shook her head; her chest looking like it was ready to start heaving again.

"No" she hiccupped, 'It's not that. Well yes it is that ----- but it's worse than that. Jeff."she started, swallowed hard and started again, "That night we were here alone - well....".

Jeff felt his face redden with fury as the realisation dawned as to what she was about to say to him. Not now, not with what he had just gambled with, not with his plans carefully mapped out. She wouldn't dare tell him that. He eyed her dangerously. He said in a low voice.

"Lucille, don't you DARE say to me what I think you are going to say".

THE ARGUMENT

"Well I won't since you already know that I'm going to say it."

"I told you I didn't want any more kids Lucille."

"Don't you think I know that? I don't either. It's just happened again Jeff. "

"For God's sake why weren't you taking anything"

"Why is it my fault? You are as much to blame as I am. One plus one equals three - you said that last time"

"I didn't think you'd be so stupid as to let it happen again."

"I can't believe you just said that!"

"Well I have. You know what we discussed that night. You knew the risks I was taking, the time away, the money involved. There's no room for any more responsibility in my life just now. I made that quite clear."

"Responsbility on you - what about me. Johnny's not three until the fall - that's four months away and he can't be left for more than two minutes on his own without crying, Gordie's only six months old still dealing with all the problems of being born too early, I'm so sick I can't even stand up most of the day and tired all the time. I'm expected to do what you do with Scott and Virgil, care for the house, check their schoolwork, do most other things and in between try to remember where you are if your business contacts need you."

"All the more reasons to make sure you don't get pregnant every time I look at you."

"Well you shouldn't have looked at me then. You just expect to snap your fingers and there I am. You don't get left with the pregnancy - you don't get tired or sick or fat or walk the floors at night with one baby after the next. No Jeff all you get is a little bit more responsibility each time. I get the day to day reality of it all."

"I have never snapped my fingers at you."

"You've never called me stupid until now either."

"Well if you can't work out after 4 pregnancies what the consequences are of not having precautions in place I have to wonder."

"Well you won't need to worry again."

"Meaning what.."

"Meaning whatever you want it to mean."

"I don't need this. I've worked at least 100 hours this week and when I came home I'd hoped to be with my wife - the one person I live to see when I'm out on this damned business. Not someone who just hands me my son in a huff and walks away without a word, not leave me to sort the others out, let alone tell me there's another one I now have to worry about."

"I've worked those hours too Jeff but I haven't had the chance to sit back in the 5 star Motel sipping on a scotch and congratulating myself on how well I'm doing and how much money I'm making.

"Don't you dare say that to me Lucille."

"Why? It's true! Jeff; I'm telling you that we can't continue in Asia. You have to stop now. I need you here if I am going to cope with yet another baby. Three babies in less than 3 years is just too hard to deal with."

"I can't pull out. It will send me broke."

"Well let it. I can't do this any more."

"No Lucille.I won't. You can't ask me to do that"

"I'm not asking you Jeff. I'm telling you and you have to decide. It's me and the kids or the business."

"Don't do this to me Lucille."

"Well I don't have a choice. There aren't any other solutions."

"Lucille !!!".

"Jeff.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. "

They stared at each other, both of them angry past reason.

Silence as he had stormed out of the house and she dissolved into unstoppable and inconsolable tears unable to relate to the prospect of a 5th child growing within her. Their perfect marriage seemed over.

............................................................................................................................................

Jeff Tracy woke from his dream with a start and looked slowly around the room trying to get his bearings. The clock said 2.15am. He felt the beads of perspiration on his forehead. His stomach turned as he realised that the argument he had had with Lucille that night had been of the same intensity he had shared with Alan only last year. He'd even had arguments at the conception of his youngest child ,something he'd forgotten about. Jeff forced himself to reflect again. How unreasonable was he that night. How hard was that to deal with.

.

Part B in progress now. The 2nd part of the loss of Lucille Tracy and why Jeff is as he is at this time. Those Gordon fans should look out for the next Chapter!!! The romance bits need time to develop especially as there aren't many Alan fans out there.!!!!