Spike watched the door of the Summers' home close, still feeling the lingering warmth of the kiss that had been placed upon his cheek. She said she wanted and needed him with her. Had also said she could never love him but that she would never forget how he had been there for Dawn before she came back.
So Spike had won the girl. Sort of. Buffy would allow him into her life and accept his love for what it was. She'd even implied that their 'relationship' would include his greatest fantasy. He could have the slayer. Body and soul. However, he could not bring himself to be happy. That she had offered anything beyond friendship was amazing to the vampire. What he had longed for...hoped and dreamed for...was finally his for the taking. All but one thing. He couldn't have her heart.
After Buffy had made her offer to Spike, he had remained silent while he thought of what it would mean. What he would gain. And what he would lose. He knew this was the deciding moment. For the 123-year-old vampire, this was no less serious than when he had accepted Dru's 'proposal' in that dirty alleyway. This would change his unlife forever. There could be no turning back.
When Spike looked up at Buffy's face he had tears in his eyes. His hands had started shaking and he was having a hard time controlling his voice.
"Buffy, I've wanted you for so long now that I never thought this day would actually come. I told you before that I knew you'd never love me. I don't know why I thought that might have changed."
"Spike..."
"No, please, let me finish. I...I need to get this out. When you were gone I was able to let go of you and continue living even when I thought that to be impossible. I never stopped loving you, but I went on with my unlife. The thing is, luv, that I... I've fallen in love with someone else. When you came back I broke off a relationship in hopes that you would consider being mine."
Spike stopped for a moment trying to reign in his emotions, putting a hand up to let her know he needed to say more. Finally to the point that he wasn't going to let go of a sob, he continued.
"You have no idea how hard it is for me to tell you this, Buffy. I can't be what you want me to be. Love was given to me in its purest form during these past few months. Dru never really loved me. We all know that. I took care of her. She only came back when she needed me again. I couldn't accept that kind of unlife. Not again. The love I have for you is true. But I can't live like that again. Knowing that it will never be returned. It would be too much like the first century of my life.
"I may have already destroyed what was built while you were...away. But I need to find out if I can salvage what we had. It may not even be possible. I'll probably get the bloody door slammed in my face. I deserve that. But I have to try.
"I will be here for you, Buffy. Anything you need, you can always come to me. I'd do anything for you. Anything but this. I owe it to myself and the one I hurt to say no to you."
When Spike had finally finished speaking, the slayer looked at him with gentle compassion. She never imagined that he would turn her offer down but was not upset by it. She understood his reason and could not fault him for it.
"Thank you, Spike."
"What for? I can't give you what you want? Why would you thank me?"
"For telling me the truth. It would be so easy for you to take what I have offered and never think of this other person again. But, in time, you would come to resent me for standing between you and what you really want. I do need you. That much is true. And I am glad that I have you as a trusted friend now. Be happy, Spike."
Smiling through his tears, the vampire stood and hugged the small blonde. Without another word, Buffy stood and walked him to the door. Reaching up to brush a kiss on his cheek, she whispered good night.
Spike continued watching the house until Buffy turned off the lights and headed upstairs to bed. Then, with a sigh, he turned and walked away.
So Spike had won the girl. Sort of. Buffy would allow him into her life and accept his love for what it was. She'd even implied that their 'relationship' would include his greatest fantasy. He could have the slayer. Body and soul. However, he could not bring himself to be happy. That she had offered anything beyond friendship was amazing to the vampire. What he had longed for...hoped and dreamed for...was finally his for the taking. All but one thing. He couldn't have her heart.
After Buffy had made her offer to Spike, he had remained silent while he thought of what it would mean. What he would gain. And what he would lose. He knew this was the deciding moment. For the 123-year-old vampire, this was no less serious than when he had accepted Dru's 'proposal' in that dirty alleyway. This would change his unlife forever. There could be no turning back.
When Spike looked up at Buffy's face he had tears in his eyes. His hands had started shaking and he was having a hard time controlling his voice.
"Buffy, I've wanted you for so long now that I never thought this day would actually come. I told you before that I knew you'd never love me. I don't know why I thought that might have changed."
"Spike..."
"No, please, let me finish. I...I need to get this out. When you were gone I was able to let go of you and continue living even when I thought that to be impossible. I never stopped loving you, but I went on with my unlife. The thing is, luv, that I... I've fallen in love with someone else. When you came back I broke off a relationship in hopes that you would consider being mine."
Spike stopped for a moment trying to reign in his emotions, putting a hand up to let her know he needed to say more. Finally to the point that he wasn't going to let go of a sob, he continued.
"You have no idea how hard it is for me to tell you this, Buffy. I can't be what you want me to be. Love was given to me in its purest form during these past few months. Dru never really loved me. We all know that. I took care of her. She only came back when she needed me again. I couldn't accept that kind of unlife. Not again. The love I have for you is true. But I can't live like that again. Knowing that it will never be returned. It would be too much like the first century of my life.
"I may have already destroyed what was built while you were...away. But I need to find out if I can salvage what we had. It may not even be possible. I'll probably get the bloody door slammed in my face. I deserve that. But I have to try.
"I will be here for you, Buffy. Anything you need, you can always come to me. I'd do anything for you. Anything but this. I owe it to myself and the one I hurt to say no to you."
When Spike had finally finished speaking, the slayer looked at him with gentle compassion. She never imagined that he would turn her offer down but was not upset by it. She understood his reason and could not fault him for it.
"Thank you, Spike."
"What for? I can't give you what you want? Why would you thank me?"
"For telling me the truth. It would be so easy for you to take what I have offered and never think of this other person again. But, in time, you would come to resent me for standing between you and what you really want. I do need you. That much is true. And I am glad that I have you as a trusted friend now. Be happy, Spike."
Smiling through his tears, the vampire stood and hugged the small blonde. Without another word, Buffy stood and walked him to the door. Reaching up to brush a kiss on his cheek, she whispered good night.
Spike continued watching the house until Buffy turned off the lights and headed upstairs to bed. Then, with a sigh, he turned and walked away.
