HEARTBREAK
Lily was still lying in her four-poster bed, staring out the window, waiting, when April came in from the hallways. "He's out there," she said. Lily leapt up and raced out to meet him.
She hung back and looked at him; his face was sad and drawn with pain already felt and dealt with -- he looked -- older, somehow - even though she'd seen him that morning.
She ran into his arms, relieved, loving. They embraced, she touched his face and kissed him.
"Are you okay?" she whispered, eyes filling with tears. James looked stonily down at her.
"We need to talk."
"Of course . . ."
James looked over Lily's shoulder at April. "Somewhere else," he added.
April stepped back, stung. James had never been mean like that before, not to her.
Lily looked around at her best friend apologetically -- but April surprised herslf, she wasn't angry. She had a feeling this was bigger than herself -- the death of his parents, and the love Lily and James shared: it was more important than her. So she only nodded at Lily, signaling to her "I understand."
James took Lily by the arm, pulled her behind a passageway that took them out of Gryffindor Tower and near the base of the Astronomy Tower -- empty right now, of course, it still being daylight. They climbed the stairs and when they reached the top, James let go of her arm. He walked away to a window and looked out of it, trying to figure out how to say it, how to do it.
Lily followed him, looked into his face, orange from the glow of the sunset. His face was set, emotionless -- but in his eyes Lily could see pain, so much sadness and hurt, so deep in his eyes that Lily was perhaps the only one who would notice.
She slipped her hand into his slowly. "Talk to me."
James took his hand away from her. "You can't marry me."
Lily looked at him, not understanding his words.
"What?"
"You can't marry me," James repeated.
Lily recoiled as though he'd hit her.
"What, you just changed your mind?" she said, turning her hurt into anger.
". . . It's complicated."
"James," Lily said, trying not to cry -- she'd cried too much already. "James, don't push me away. I'm sorry about your parents, but don't push me away. You need me now more than ever --"
James cut her off. "This isn't about my parents, or me. It's about you."
"I don't understand."
"It's better this way."
"Do you love me?"
Such a simple question to which Lily know the answer -- or, thought she knew.
But James didn't answer. He only turned away.
Lily felt herself breaking inside.
"You don't love me?" she said softly. It was too much for him, he couldn't hurt her like this -- James thought, Which would be worse for her, making her live a life without me or endangering her life?
"I *do* love you! That's why -- I mean -- God, I can't do this!" It was impossible. He *couldn't* tell her he loved her and then tell her not to love him, because she wouldn't do it, yet he couldn't bring himself to let her believe he *didn't* love her.
But no matter what he told her, he knew she would be hurt. The best thing was to tell her the truth.
"Lily, I know what happened to your father."
Her eyes widened with hope. "You know where he is?"
"He's dead."
Lily stared, disbelieving. Her legs went weak; she sat down on the floor.
James sat down in front of her. His heart was giving out for her, he wanted to hold her and let her cry against him -- but he couldn't Not if he wanted to finish this. "Voldemort's been after my family for a long tme. He saw us kissing, and he went after you last summer. You weren't home -- you were at April's house then, do you remember? -- And he found your father."
"My house -- Mum, Petunia! -- will he go back?"
James shook his head. "I don't think so. He knows you're here at Hogwarts, under Dumbledore's protection. But . . . you can go home safely, now. Dumbledore's put a spell on it to protect Muggles.
"Why don't they just put a spell on your house?"
"It's only for Muggles."
Frightened, she looked up at him. ". . . So it won't work for me?"
"No. But, Lily, you can be safe. You just need . . . we just have to stay away from each other. The rest of this year, and . . . and afterwards."
"No -- no, we can't do that. I need to be with you."
James shook his head. "You can't. Lily . . . I'm responsible for your father's death, do you understand that? You're in great danger with me."
"I don't care." Frustrated, James stood. Lily got up, too. "James . . . I need you." She started to cry. "You're the world to me. It hurts so much when we say good night, even when I know I'll see you the next day. Please understand, I *can't* leave you."
James looked away. He udnerstood. He understood very well, because everything she was telling him, he felt, too.
James looked out at the sunset. "You've got to stop loving me."
"Don't say that! I *won't*."
"God *damnit*, Lily, you could *die* if you're with me!"
"Then I'll die," she whispred, her back to him.
He grabbed her arm, spun her around roughly. "You think it was easy for me to make this decision? Do you think I thought I'd just *try* to break up with you and see how it went? I've made up my mind: when school ends, you have to stay away from me --"
"You don't get it!" Lily exclaimed, eyes bright with tears. "I c-*can't*. Believe me . . . I *would* stop loving you if I could -- don't you know I'd do anything for you?" Her red lips quivered and she cried softly. "But I can't stop. I never chose to fall in love with you. But I did, and I've loved you for six and a half *years*, James! I can't change. . . . It's me. It's who I am. How am I supposed to just -- *quit*, remembering these years we've spent together?"
An idea formed in James's mind. A horrible idea -- maybe impossible, maybe extremely dangerous . . . but he was desperate. He needed her to live. He needed to know that she was safe, regardless of whether she was with him or not.
"You won't remember," he said softly.
". . . What? . . . No."
She covered her face with her hands.
"You said you'd do anything for me," James said. "You said you'd --"
"No no no, I can't hear this, I can't hear this --"
James went to her, took her arms away from her face. Bing so near, he couldn't take it any longer -- he kissed her cheeks, rubbed her back, stroked her hair, held her . . .
"Please, Lily," he murmured brokenly, and suddenly he was crying, as he could feel her giving in to him. "We can modify your memory -- make it so . . . you won't remember. Please, do this. . . . Do this for me, if you love me . . ."
She pulled away, and with great strength, lifted her eyes to him, her gaze devoted, loving, broken, and whispered, "*You promised me forever*."
Then she turned and fled from the tower.
~*
April found Lily in their dormitory. She was sitting on her bed hugging her knees to her chest, staring into spcae, looking lost and vulnerable. April sat down next to her best friend slowly.
"What did James say to you?" Lily looked up.
"James is breaking up with me."
"WHAT!?" April nearly exploded. How could he do that? What was he *thinking*? "What do you mean he broke up with you -- He did not! -- I'm going to talk to him!" She quickly stood up to leave, but Lily caught the arm of her robe and held her.
"Wait -- Please, let me explain."
April curved her fury and sat down again.
In a calm, clear voice, she told her everything that had happened. April listened raptly, without interrupting once, which was a first for her. When Lily was finished, a part of April was . . . relieved. It was horrible to feel that way, and April know it, but deep down she was jealous because Lily had spent so much time with James since they'd started dating in the third year, and now they werne't getting married -- in fact she wouldnt even remember him after school
Thta thought hit April, and she looked at Lily, whose face was full of pain. Her relief swept away immediately and her heart filled with sympathy for her.
"Are you okay?"
Lily took a deep, shuddering breath. "I don't know."
"You know I'm wondering, and I think the boys are, too. . . . Did you and James have sex?"
"No . . . b-but I wish we had, now. Now we'll never . . ." She trailed off as tears threatened again.
"Don't. It would have been worse if you had."
"No. No, nothing can be worse than this."
April put a hand on Lily's arm. She wanted to comfort her.
"Tell me what you feel."
"I feel . . ." A single tears trailed down her cheek. "I feel like someone's hand is closed on my heart. It's trying to beat but it can't. It hurts." Tears began streaming down her cheeks and she put her face in her hands and wept. "I'm dying, April. I think I'm dying."
For the first time April realized the magnitude of the loss both Lily and James would have to endure. She took her best friend in her arms, hardly able to keep back tears herself, and they embraced.
"Oh, April . . . April, how am I supposed to keep away from him for the next six months?"
"You could leave," April suggested. Her heart went against it -- she wanted to be with her -- but she forced herself to think of Lily's benefit. "You could graduate a term early. You've already taken enough classes."
Lily thought about it. Leave Hogwarts? Her friends were here, her home was here, her heart was --
Here.
"Yes. I'll leave."
~*
IN THE BOYS' DORMITORY.
James lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He needed to see Dumbledore, talk to him about the Memory Charm -- but he coldn't move, couldn't think.
"James," a shady voice said from far away. James shook himself mentally and came back to his senses.
Sirius was poking his head thorugh the curtains. "James, man, get up. We have Astronomy this evening."
He'd forgotten about class. But -- then and there, James decided, "I'm not going."
"Oh," Sirius said. He paused. "I don't blame you. James, I'm sorry. . . . I know how bad this must all be for you . . ."
James looked at him. Sirius stopped.
"Okay, I don't." He sighed and sat down on the bed "You could tell me. . . ." There was no answer. "James, there's gotta be another way. It doesn't make any sense. Your parents have died and you're pushing away everybody you have."
"I have myself," James said, deadpan.
"And you've got us. Marauders, Prongs."
"Not right now."
"What do you mean?"
James sat up, got out of bed. "I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go somewhere else for a while."
Sirius got up, too, confused. "Where? How? Why?"
"I don't know. Somewhere . . . somewhere else. I can graduate early, I've got enough credits."
"*Why*?"
James looked down, shook his head. "I need . . . I need to be away for a while. By myself." He left for Dumbledore's office.
Lily was still lying in her four-poster bed, staring out the window, waiting, when April came in from the hallways. "He's out there," she said. Lily leapt up and raced out to meet him.
She hung back and looked at him; his face was sad and drawn with pain already felt and dealt with -- he looked -- older, somehow - even though she'd seen him that morning.
She ran into his arms, relieved, loving. They embraced, she touched his face and kissed him.
"Are you okay?" she whispered, eyes filling with tears. James looked stonily down at her.
"We need to talk."
"Of course . . ."
James looked over Lily's shoulder at April. "Somewhere else," he added.
April stepped back, stung. James had never been mean like that before, not to her.
Lily looked around at her best friend apologetically -- but April surprised herslf, she wasn't angry. She had a feeling this was bigger than herself -- the death of his parents, and the love Lily and James shared: it was more important than her. So she only nodded at Lily, signaling to her "I understand."
James took Lily by the arm, pulled her behind a passageway that took them out of Gryffindor Tower and near the base of the Astronomy Tower -- empty right now, of course, it still being daylight. They climbed the stairs and when they reached the top, James let go of her arm. He walked away to a window and looked out of it, trying to figure out how to say it, how to do it.
Lily followed him, looked into his face, orange from the glow of the sunset. His face was set, emotionless -- but in his eyes Lily could see pain, so much sadness and hurt, so deep in his eyes that Lily was perhaps the only one who would notice.
She slipped her hand into his slowly. "Talk to me."
James took his hand away from her. "You can't marry me."
Lily looked at him, not understanding his words.
"What?"
"You can't marry me," James repeated.
Lily recoiled as though he'd hit her.
"What, you just changed your mind?" she said, turning her hurt into anger.
". . . It's complicated."
"James," Lily said, trying not to cry -- she'd cried too much already. "James, don't push me away. I'm sorry about your parents, but don't push me away. You need me now more than ever --"
James cut her off. "This isn't about my parents, or me. It's about you."
"I don't understand."
"It's better this way."
"Do you love me?"
Such a simple question to which Lily know the answer -- or, thought she knew.
But James didn't answer. He only turned away.
Lily felt herself breaking inside.
"You don't love me?" she said softly. It was too much for him, he couldn't hurt her like this -- James thought, Which would be worse for her, making her live a life without me or endangering her life?
"I *do* love you! That's why -- I mean -- God, I can't do this!" It was impossible. He *couldn't* tell her he loved her and then tell her not to love him, because she wouldn't do it, yet he couldn't bring himself to let her believe he *didn't* love her.
But no matter what he told her, he knew she would be hurt. The best thing was to tell her the truth.
"Lily, I know what happened to your father."
Her eyes widened with hope. "You know where he is?"
"He's dead."
Lily stared, disbelieving. Her legs went weak; she sat down on the floor.
James sat down in front of her. His heart was giving out for her, he wanted to hold her and let her cry against him -- but he couldn't Not if he wanted to finish this. "Voldemort's been after my family for a long tme. He saw us kissing, and he went after you last summer. You weren't home -- you were at April's house then, do you remember? -- And he found your father."
"My house -- Mum, Petunia! -- will he go back?"
James shook his head. "I don't think so. He knows you're here at Hogwarts, under Dumbledore's protection. But . . . you can go home safely, now. Dumbledore's put a spell on it to protect Muggles.
"Why don't they just put a spell on your house?"
"It's only for Muggles."
Frightened, she looked up at him. ". . . So it won't work for me?"
"No. But, Lily, you can be safe. You just need . . . we just have to stay away from each other. The rest of this year, and . . . and afterwards."
"No -- no, we can't do that. I need to be with you."
James shook his head. "You can't. Lily . . . I'm responsible for your father's death, do you understand that? You're in great danger with me."
"I don't care." Frustrated, James stood. Lily got up, too. "James . . . I need you." She started to cry. "You're the world to me. It hurts so much when we say good night, even when I know I'll see you the next day. Please understand, I *can't* leave you."
James looked away. He udnerstood. He understood very well, because everything she was telling him, he felt, too.
James looked out at the sunset. "You've got to stop loving me."
"Don't say that! I *won't*."
"God *damnit*, Lily, you could *die* if you're with me!"
"Then I'll die," she whispred, her back to him.
He grabbed her arm, spun her around roughly. "You think it was easy for me to make this decision? Do you think I thought I'd just *try* to break up with you and see how it went? I've made up my mind: when school ends, you have to stay away from me --"
"You don't get it!" Lily exclaimed, eyes bright with tears. "I c-*can't*. Believe me . . . I *would* stop loving you if I could -- don't you know I'd do anything for you?" Her red lips quivered and she cried softly. "But I can't stop. I never chose to fall in love with you. But I did, and I've loved you for six and a half *years*, James! I can't change. . . . It's me. It's who I am. How am I supposed to just -- *quit*, remembering these years we've spent together?"
An idea formed in James's mind. A horrible idea -- maybe impossible, maybe extremely dangerous . . . but he was desperate. He needed her to live. He needed to know that she was safe, regardless of whether she was with him or not.
"You won't remember," he said softly.
". . . What? . . . No."
She covered her face with her hands.
"You said you'd do anything for me," James said. "You said you'd --"
"No no no, I can't hear this, I can't hear this --"
James went to her, took her arms away from her face. Bing so near, he couldn't take it any longer -- he kissed her cheeks, rubbed her back, stroked her hair, held her . . .
"Please, Lily," he murmured brokenly, and suddenly he was crying, as he could feel her giving in to him. "We can modify your memory -- make it so . . . you won't remember. Please, do this. . . . Do this for me, if you love me . . ."
She pulled away, and with great strength, lifted her eyes to him, her gaze devoted, loving, broken, and whispered, "*You promised me forever*."
Then she turned and fled from the tower.
~*
April found Lily in their dormitory. She was sitting on her bed hugging her knees to her chest, staring into spcae, looking lost and vulnerable. April sat down next to her best friend slowly.
"What did James say to you?" Lily looked up.
"James is breaking up with me."
"WHAT!?" April nearly exploded. How could he do that? What was he *thinking*? "What do you mean he broke up with you -- He did not! -- I'm going to talk to him!" She quickly stood up to leave, but Lily caught the arm of her robe and held her.
"Wait -- Please, let me explain."
April curved her fury and sat down again.
In a calm, clear voice, she told her everything that had happened. April listened raptly, without interrupting once, which was a first for her. When Lily was finished, a part of April was . . . relieved. It was horrible to feel that way, and April know it, but deep down she was jealous because Lily had spent so much time with James since they'd started dating in the third year, and now they werne't getting married -- in fact she wouldnt even remember him after school
Thta thought hit April, and she looked at Lily, whose face was full of pain. Her relief swept away immediately and her heart filled with sympathy for her.
"Are you okay?"
Lily took a deep, shuddering breath. "I don't know."
"You know I'm wondering, and I think the boys are, too. . . . Did you and James have sex?"
"No . . . b-but I wish we had, now. Now we'll never . . ." She trailed off as tears threatened again.
"Don't. It would have been worse if you had."
"No. No, nothing can be worse than this."
April put a hand on Lily's arm. She wanted to comfort her.
"Tell me what you feel."
"I feel . . ." A single tears trailed down her cheek. "I feel like someone's hand is closed on my heart. It's trying to beat but it can't. It hurts." Tears began streaming down her cheeks and she put her face in her hands and wept. "I'm dying, April. I think I'm dying."
For the first time April realized the magnitude of the loss both Lily and James would have to endure. She took her best friend in her arms, hardly able to keep back tears herself, and they embraced.
"Oh, April . . . April, how am I supposed to keep away from him for the next six months?"
"You could leave," April suggested. Her heart went against it -- she wanted to be with her -- but she forced herself to think of Lily's benefit. "You could graduate a term early. You've already taken enough classes."
Lily thought about it. Leave Hogwarts? Her friends were here, her home was here, her heart was --
Here.
"Yes. I'll leave."
~*
IN THE BOYS' DORMITORY.
James lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He needed to see Dumbledore, talk to him about the Memory Charm -- but he coldn't move, couldn't think.
"James," a shady voice said from far away. James shook himself mentally and came back to his senses.
Sirius was poking his head thorugh the curtains. "James, man, get up. We have Astronomy this evening."
He'd forgotten about class. But -- then and there, James decided, "I'm not going."
"Oh," Sirius said. He paused. "I don't blame you. James, I'm sorry. . . . I know how bad this must all be for you . . ."
James looked at him. Sirius stopped.
"Okay, I don't." He sighed and sat down on the bed "You could tell me. . . ." There was no answer. "James, there's gotta be another way. It doesn't make any sense. Your parents have died and you're pushing away everybody you have."
"I have myself," James said, deadpan.
"And you've got us. Marauders, Prongs."
"Not right now."
"What do you mean?"
James sat up, got out of bed. "I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go somewhere else for a while."
Sirius got up, too, confused. "Where? How? Why?"
"I don't know. Somewhere . . . somewhere else. I can graduate early, I've got enough credits."
"*Why*?"
James looked down, shook his head. "I need . . . I need to be away for a while. By myself." He left for Dumbledore's office.
