Disclaimer - I do not own any characters except my own...yeah...
A.N - Sorry about the long wait to those of you who reviewed and enjoyed this! I was sick most of x-mas break and I when I got better I got a huge writer's block and lost all my creativity. But, I'm back. So no more rambling. Thanks for your reviews! I don't think I've ever gotten 5 reviews on just one chapter, heh, yeah, I'll shut up now. Enjoy! Oh yeah, it seems that I confused a freind of mine. Names are said as they are in English, not in Japanese style, yet, I think I might have messed up a few parts.. Oh well, sorry if I did!
Warnings - Touma angst, yaoi, self-infliction, language, and uh... sexy men?
Misery Without the Blade
Tsukiyo Hoshi
Chapter Two
I'm letting my guard down. I'm letting myself get too close to others. Soon enough my tongue will slip and I'll talk. I have to make a promise to myself to only talk to.. them. My friends. They gave up on me when I couldn't go on. Seiji didn't even believe me when I said I was going to kill myself. No one cared and then I left. I took a knife from the kitchen when Shin went to the living room while he waited for dinner to cool. Taking the knife, I'd gone into the forest and all the way down to the lake. I stood on the dock and looked at my reflection before putting the cold steel to my wrist...
I looked around the room. We sat in a circle, the doctor in the center, talking about something. I wasn't paying attention to anything other than the carpet as I shuffled my feet. This is Group, aka, classes that don't help me at all. Wednesdays I have Group along with four other men, well, young men.
Kiriko Amare, small and frail with sky blue eyes and light brown hair, very quiet, and only sixteen, sat across from me picking at the fuzz on his pants. Tsutsu Rasare Micharu, Rasa for short, twenty years old with one hell of an attitude, red hair and green eyes, sat three chairs down, staring across the room. Sin Ichido and Ken Ame, same looks, different attitudes. Long, black hair and brown eyes, well built bodies but dark secrets behind their good looks.
Sadly, Knick isn't in my Wednesday Group. I didn't want to admit it, but I wished he was in here today. I woke up in the morning and he lay there looking at me. His brown eyes fixed on mine as he smiled and slipped out of the bed, pointing to the clock. After last night, I've been thinking I should worry for Knick. Not only did Knick feel guilty but he was willing to let me kill him. If I were to slip and say anything today, it would probably be to tell Knick not to feel any guilt for me; I don't deserve it.
Looking out the window I sigh and this catches the Group Leader's attention. Mr. Hidaka looked at me and smiles, "Touma?"
I raise my eyebrow and shrug. I hadn't heard what they had been talking about and I didn't plan on joining in on the conversation any time soon. My attention is drawn to the door. It opens slowly and Mr. Niwa walks in. Niwa is my Friday Group leader and a real pain in the ass if I may add. He always tries to get me to talk...
"I'm just seeing how things are, Hidaka. Any problems?" Niwa walks over to Mr. Hidaka and speaks slowly.
Mr. Hidaka stands up and whispers something. I can barely hear what he says, but I hear my name and then see Niwa nod and head back in the direction of the door. Before he walks out he sends a glance over at me and I feel my body tense up. It's a known fact that Niwa despises me and until the day I talk, he will forever hate me.
Rasa looks over at me and grins, "Damn, what did you do to piss him off, Hashiba?"
I shrug and look back at the window. I can sense the others' eyes on me but I try not to pay attention. I look at the clock and see that all I have to do is survive five more minutes in this crowded room and then it's off to lunch and back to bed.
Grinning, I slip back into a temporary daydreaming state. I plan on finding out where Knick got the box and knives. It's not like he could have slipped them into the facility unnoticed.. could he? I shrug mentally and go back to daydreaming. Blurry images play across the insides of my eyes as I close them. The images sway gracefully and they seem so familiar to me as they entertain my thoughts. Then a silent gasp escapes my lips as I realize I'm thinking of them again.
'Why?' I ask myself as I open my eyes again. 'They want nothing to do with you. You haven't even recieved a letter from them, no, you did. Shin sent one. He's worried about you. What the-- Great, I'm talking to myself again..' I sigh and realize that the bell has rang and everyone is exiting the room.
I stand up and accidentally run into Kiriko who lets out a frightened gasp as he's knocked back into the wall. Reaching my hand out to help him up, he looks at me and I bring it back, walking out the door and down the hall. Back to my room, my bed, the dark silence, and no one but myself. Well.. and Knick.
I open the door and walk into the small room. It's cold and I see that Knick hasn't gotten back yet. 'Oh yeah, it's lunch..' Running my hand through my hair I inhale deeply before falling back onto my bed and exhaling. My bed was cold but I turn onto my stomach and bury my head in my pillow anyways, realizing that it smells like antibacterial spray.
In the mornings nurses liked to come around and spray the rooms with that sickening antibacterial spray. I haven't figured out why they did it every single day. I mean, why not just once or twice a week? Oh, but no! They have to come into the rooms, no matter if you were still sleeping or standing nude, and would spray the room down until you practically got lost in a cloud of antibacterials.
I smirk, 'Stupid nurses.'
Suddenly I hear a door open and close and a huff of air leave the lungs as a body falls onto the bed across the room. I turn over on my side and sit up on my left arm. Knick is on his stomach and apparently upset, or exhausted. Standing up, I walk over to his bed and bend down so I can place my hand on his back.
He turns his head and looks at me, smiling like usual. I smile back but I let my lips fall back into a frown and await an explanation. Knick turns completely around and now my hand rests on his chest. He places his right hand on mine and closes his eyes, "You got a letter today, Hashiba..."
'Why was he calling me by my last name...'
"They had already opened it to make sure, ya know, there wasn't anything in it..."
'Is he mad at me.. Is the letter what's upsetting him...'
"Your friends are visiting. The lady at the desk was surprised and kinda happy..."
"They're coming...?!'
After a few moments of silence Knick finally sits up and takes a piece of folded paper out of his pocket and hands it to me, "Here, you can read it now if you want."
I take it from him and he turns back around. He must not like the idea of them visiting. But why would that bother him so much? It wasn't like Knick to really care about that... I shrug it off but make a mental reminder to bother him about it later and turn to the letter, starting to read the clean handwriting.
Dear Touma,
We're coming to visit you. I bet you're very suprised, ne? I know I was. Seiji just came out and said he was going to visit you and before you knew it everyone else was nodding in agreement. But I don't blame him for his strange behavior. He's been acting strange these last few weeks, also. Ryo noticed it and brought it to my attention. I spoke with Seiji and he says that nothing is bothering him. I don't believe him but then again, maybe I'm worrying again? Like you say, I worry way too much. I just hope that Seiji won't do anything to upset you while we're there.
I'm hoping you're getting better Touma. No one wants to admit it, but you can see it on their faces every time you're brought up in a conversation; they want you back. Seiji brings you up a lot. I'm starting to think he's worried about you, too. Starting hoping! You never know, he might be falling in love with you. You're probably confused by my words, ne? Well, it's like the old saying : "you don't realize what you have until it's gone." Ne?
I'll talk to you when we get there Touma. Oh, I guess I could tell you when we'll arrive. Well, we're hoping to be there on Wednesday afternoon. I called up there and talked to the Manager and he said that as long as the patients don't have Group they can get visitation rights for that day. Well, and they have to have been on good behavior and all that good stuff, but, I'll see you then Touma.
I put the letter down on the side table and sit back down, this time on my bed. I couldn't believe they were coming to visit. What had gotten into Seiji? I mean, to make him want to visit me? He must be seriously ill if that's the case. Seiji was the most angry with me for ever starting to cut. But, he's known me the longest and he knew that I'd done it since I was thirteen. He'd tried to get me to stop countless times but soon he started to ignore me. That's when I did it that night and they all came out looking for me...
Placing my head in my hands I sighed and stood up. I turned on the lamp and looked around the room. They were coming today; this afternoon; in a few hours. I have nothing to do today so that means I'll have to sit out in the visiting room until they come. I wonder if Knick will come out there with me.
I sit down on his bed and shake his arm gently until I get his attention. When he turns around he's frowning and I tighten my grip on his arm. This causes him to turn completely around to face me, "I have to admit it Tou. I'm kinda jealous.. and kind of afraid. I mean, they may want to take you back with them and I.. I don't want you to go yet."
I smile and let go of his arm so I can sit closer to him. I lean my head on his shoulder and he continues, "I know it sounds selfish but you're the only real friend I have here. Lately, I-I think I'm losing it. I don't know.. I just confused myself."
This time I don't try to stifle my laugh and I let him hear it. It sounds awkward to my ears and probably to his as well, but I see him smile. He leans on me a little, "That's nice. I've always wanted to hear you laugh... Touma? You won't leave will you?"
I want to leave but then again, I don't. I can't tell him that. I can't tell anyone that. I shake my head and place my hand on his.
"Good, I don't want you to leave just yet. I want you to stay a little longer.. Until.. I get better, maybe? Do you think that's possible?" He looks up at me.
I nod and stand up. I plan on going out to the visiting room now so I can wait on the guys. Walking over to the door I place my hand on the doorknob and open the door slowly before turning back to Knick and cocking my head to the left. He stands and follows me out the room but keeps his eyes on the floor the whole time. I'm not going to leave him.. I don't even know how this visit will go. For all I know, I might never want to go back to .. home.
...TBC...
A.N. - Well, what did you think? Please review and tell me!
I tried to explain a few things thoughout the story and I hope that I explained the majority of what I wanted to. Well anyways, I'll work as fast as I can on getting the next chapter out. Please review!
A.N - Sorry about the long wait to those of you who reviewed and enjoyed this! I was sick most of x-mas break and I when I got better I got a huge writer's block and lost all my creativity. But, I'm back. So no more rambling. Thanks for your reviews! I don't think I've ever gotten 5 reviews on just one chapter, heh, yeah, I'll shut up now. Enjoy! Oh yeah, it seems that I confused a freind of mine. Names are said as they are in English, not in Japanese style, yet, I think I might have messed up a few parts.. Oh well, sorry if I did!
Warnings - Touma angst, yaoi, self-infliction, language, and uh... sexy men?
Tsukiyo Hoshi
Chapter Two
I'm letting my guard down. I'm letting myself get too close to others. Soon enough my tongue will slip and I'll talk. I have to make a promise to myself to only talk to.. them. My friends. They gave up on me when I couldn't go on. Seiji didn't even believe me when I said I was going to kill myself. No one cared and then I left. I took a knife from the kitchen when Shin went to the living room while he waited for dinner to cool. Taking the knife, I'd gone into the forest and all the way down to the lake. I stood on the dock and looked at my reflection before putting the cold steel to my wrist...
I looked around the room. We sat in a circle, the doctor in the center, talking about something. I wasn't paying attention to anything other than the carpet as I shuffled my feet. This is Group, aka, classes that don't help me at all. Wednesdays I have Group along with four other men, well, young men.
Kiriko Amare, small and frail with sky blue eyes and light brown hair, very quiet, and only sixteen, sat across from me picking at the fuzz on his pants. Tsutsu Rasare Micharu, Rasa for short, twenty years old with one hell of an attitude, red hair and green eyes, sat three chairs down, staring across the room. Sin Ichido and Ken Ame, same looks, different attitudes. Long, black hair and brown eyes, well built bodies but dark secrets behind their good looks.
Sadly, Knick isn't in my Wednesday Group. I didn't want to admit it, but I wished he was in here today. I woke up in the morning and he lay there looking at me. His brown eyes fixed on mine as he smiled and slipped out of the bed, pointing to the clock. After last night, I've been thinking I should worry for Knick. Not only did Knick feel guilty but he was willing to let me kill him. If I were to slip and say anything today, it would probably be to tell Knick not to feel any guilt for me; I don't deserve it.
Looking out the window I sigh and this catches the Group Leader's attention. Mr. Hidaka looked at me and smiles, "Touma?"
I raise my eyebrow and shrug. I hadn't heard what they had been talking about and I didn't plan on joining in on the conversation any time soon. My attention is drawn to the door. It opens slowly and Mr. Niwa walks in. Niwa is my Friday Group leader and a real pain in the ass if I may add. He always tries to get me to talk...
"I'm just seeing how things are, Hidaka. Any problems?" Niwa walks over to Mr. Hidaka and speaks slowly.
Mr. Hidaka stands up and whispers something. I can barely hear what he says, but I hear my name and then see Niwa nod and head back in the direction of the door. Before he walks out he sends a glance over at me and I feel my body tense up. It's a known fact that Niwa despises me and until the day I talk, he will forever hate me.
Rasa looks over at me and grins, "Damn, what did you do to piss him off, Hashiba?"
I shrug and look back at the window. I can sense the others' eyes on me but I try not to pay attention. I look at the clock and see that all I have to do is survive five more minutes in this crowded room and then it's off to lunch and back to bed.
Grinning, I slip back into a temporary daydreaming state. I plan on finding out where Knick got the box and knives. It's not like he could have slipped them into the facility unnoticed.. could he? I shrug mentally and go back to daydreaming. Blurry images play across the insides of my eyes as I close them. The images sway gracefully and they seem so familiar to me as they entertain my thoughts. Then a silent gasp escapes my lips as I realize I'm thinking of them again.
'Why?' I ask myself as I open my eyes again. 'They want nothing to do with you. You haven't even recieved a letter from them, no, you did. Shin sent one. He's worried about you. What the-- Great, I'm talking to myself again..' I sigh and realize that the bell has rang and everyone is exiting the room.
I stand up and accidentally run into Kiriko who lets out a frightened gasp as he's knocked back into the wall. Reaching my hand out to help him up, he looks at me and I bring it back, walking out the door and down the hall. Back to my room, my bed, the dark silence, and no one but myself. Well.. and Knick.
I open the door and walk into the small room. It's cold and I see that Knick hasn't gotten back yet. 'Oh yeah, it's lunch..' Running my hand through my hair I inhale deeply before falling back onto my bed and exhaling. My bed was cold but I turn onto my stomach and bury my head in my pillow anyways, realizing that it smells like antibacterial spray.
In the mornings nurses liked to come around and spray the rooms with that sickening antibacterial spray. I haven't figured out why they did it every single day. I mean, why not just once or twice a week? Oh, but no! They have to come into the rooms, no matter if you were still sleeping or standing nude, and would spray the room down until you practically got lost in a cloud of antibacterials.
I smirk, 'Stupid nurses.'
Suddenly I hear a door open and close and a huff of air leave the lungs as a body falls onto the bed across the room. I turn over on my side and sit up on my left arm. Knick is on his stomach and apparently upset, or exhausted. Standing up, I walk over to his bed and bend down so I can place my hand on his back.
He turns his head and looks at me, smiling like usual. I smile back but I let my lips fall back into a frown and await an explanation. Knick turns completely around and now my hand rests on his chest. He places his right hand on mine and closes his eyes, "You got a letter today, Hashiba..."
'Why was he calling me by my last name...'
"They had already opened it to make sure, ya know, there wasn't anything in it..."
'Is he mad at me.. Is the letter what's upsetting him...'
"Your friends are visiting. The lady at the desk was surprised and kinda happy..."
"They're coming...?!'
After a few moments of silence Knick finally sits up and takes a piece of folded paper out of his pocket and hands it to me, "Here, you can read it now if you want."
I take it from him and he turns back around. He must not like the idea of them visiting. But why would that bother him so much? It wasn't like Knick to really care about that... I shrug it off but make a mental reminder to bother him about it later and turn to the letter, starting to read the clean handwriting.
Dear Touma,
We're coming to visit you. I bet you're very suprised, ne? I know I was. Seiji just came out and said he was going to visit you and before you knew it everyone else was nodding in agreement. But I don't blame him for his strange behavior. He's been acting strange these last few weeks, also. Ryo noticed it and brought it to my attention. I spoke with Seiji and he says that nothing is bothering him. I don't believe him but then again, maybe I'm worrying again? Like you say, I worry way too much. I just hope that Seiji won't do anything to upset you while we're there.
I'm hoping you're getting better Touma. No one wants to admit it, but you can see it on their faces every time you're brought up in a conversation; they want you back. Seiji brings you up a lot. I'm starting to think he's worried about you, too. Starting hoping! You never know, he might be falling in love with you. You're probably confused by my words, ne? Well, it's like the old saying : "you don't realize what you have until it's gone." Ne?
I'll talk to you when we get there Touma. Oh, I guess I could tell you when we'll arrive. Well, we're hoping to be there on Wednesday afternoon. I called up there and talked to the Manager and he said that as long as the patients don't have Group they can get visitation rights for that day. Well, and they have to have been on good behavior and all that good stuff, but, I'll see you then Touma.
We all miss you (though they won't admit it),
Shin
I put the letter down on the side table and sit back down, this time on my bed. I couldn't believe they were coming to visit. What had gotten into Seiji? I mean, to make him want to visit me? He must be seriously ill if that's the case. Seiji was the most angry with me for ever starting to cut. But, he's known me the longest and he knew that I'd done it since I was thirteen. He'd tried to get me to stop countless times but soon he started to ignore me. That's when I did it that night and they all came out looking for me...
Placing my head in my hands I sighed and stood up. I turned on the lamp and looked around the room. They were coming today; this afternoon; in a few hours. I have nothing to do today so that means I'll have to sit out in the visiting room until they come. I wonder if Knick will come out there with me.
I sit down on his bed and shake his arm gently until I get his attention. When he turns around he's frowning and I tighten my grip on his arm. This causes him to turn completely around to face me, "I have to admit it Tou. I'm kinda jealous.. and kind of afraid. I mean, they may want to take you back with them and I.. I don't want you to go yet."
I smile and let go of his arm so I can sit closer to him. I lean my head on his shoulder and he continues, "I know it sounds selfish but you're the only real friend I have here. Lately, I-I think I'm losing it. I don't know.. I just confused myself."
This time I don't try to stifle my laugh and I let him hear it. It sounds awkward to my ears and probably to his as well, but I see him smile. He leans on me a little, "That's nice. I've always wanted to hear you laugh... Touma? You won't leave will you?"
I want to leave but then again, I don't. I can't tell him that. I can't tell anyone that. I shake my head and place my hand on his.
"Good, I don't want you to leave just yet. I want you to stay a little longer.. Until.. I get better, maybe? Do you think that's possible?" He looks up at me.
I nod and stand up. I plan on going out to the visiting room now so I can wait on the guys. Walking over to the door I place my hand on the doorknob and open the door slowly before turning back to Knick and cocking my head to the left. He stands and follows me out the room but keeps his eyes on the floor the whole time. I'm not going to leave him.. I don't even know how this visit will go. For all I know, I might never want to go back to .. home.
A.N. - Well, what did you think? Please review and tell me!
I tried to explain a few things thoughout the story and I hope that I explained the majority of what I wanted to. Well anyways, I'll work as fast as I can on getting the next chapter out. Please review!
