Title: Home.(part 1)

Author:Ela2002

Catagory:angst

E-mail: george@mail2honey.com

Archive: if you like

Summary: A little before and a little after season nine finale

A back story if you like.

Feedback much appreciated, haven't seen much recent ER fanfic,

hoping to start a revival!

Spoilers: Some for season nine, anyone in the UK who doesn't

have cable and managed to avoid hearing ahead from friends!

Disclaimers: The characters aren't mine, I'm just playing with them.

Abby stood by the ambulance entrance breathing deeply. She

checked her watch, she had twenty minutes, enough time, she'd

feel better before she went inside. Through half closed eyes

she saw Susan Lewis striding toward her. Feeling weak she

leaned back against the wall.

"Hey Abby." Susan was about to walk passed her when she

stopped and regarded her more closely, "You OK? You don't look so good?"

She tried to smile back but couldn't quite muster the

gesture before she was forced to swing away retching,

facing the floor she managed to gasp out, "yeah, I'm fine."

Susan had grabbed her hair off her face and was rubbing her

back, "Looks like." She muttered, feeling Abby start to

straighten up she applied gentle pressure to her, "Stay there,

take some deep breaths" Beneath her Abby nodded and leaned into

the wall. After a couple of seconds she wretched again, this

time vomiting back the glass of water she'd had for breakfast.

"Morning Carter." She heard Susan say above her head, cringing she

lent back into the wall trying to hide herself. The guy had timing

she had to admit that. She saw his legs break their stride for

a moment as he took in the scene before him.

"Out partying last night Abby? Hope you two had fun." She watched

his feet stride away. She could tell from his foot fall that he

was angry, but trying to show nonchalance. Perhaps this view point

was one she should adopt more often. She was certainly better at

judging his mood while staring at his feet than face to face.

"That was cool. Something going on with you two?"

Confident she had expelled her entire stomach contents Abby stood

up to face Susan. She closed her eyes for a second to allow the

world to compensate for her sudden change in altitude and attitude.

"No, nothing at all is happening. He wants me to leave him alone."

She felt rather than heard Susan take a breath before she asked her

next question, "Were you drinking last night? I know he found it

hard to deal with when we went out drinking, even though it wasn't

a problem for you of course." She added quickly.

Abby sighed, "No, I'm not drinking and I'm not smoking, but

I am going into work, are you coming?" She strode away from

Susan through the doors, with more confidence than she felt.

She sensed Susan taking up the stride next to her.

"If you're sick, you should go home."

"I know but I'm fine" she back at her. Silently thinking, I

should have those words tattooed onto my forehead, it would

save me some time. Or perhaps the words, 'I'm sober, I

promise' would be more appropriate.

Finishing her uniform by attaching her ID she caught sight of

herself in the mirror. She looked pale and tired, no wonder

John had though she'd been out drinking she would have thought

the same in his position. She had proven herself to a drunk

several times, particularly to him. By sponsoring him, then

ungracefully falling off the wagon before his eyes. Not once,

but twice, she didn't like to do things by halves. Of course

she insisted she just wanted a drink, not five, or fifty that

it was no big deal. She knew that it was, because she had

been sober for a long time, a divorce had not shaken her, her

family was the only thing that could do that. Her family and

John Carter. She had stopped having the odd drink though, straight

away, and stopped smoking, she considered it an odd action

to herself because she knew what she was going to do, she certainly wasn't-

The door slamming interrupted her train of thought. Weaver

was standing in front of her, having just finished her

shift. "Abby, it's chaos out there, I think they'd appreciate your

help, we've got an RTA rolling in right now with no nurse in

the trauma room."

She didn't need telling twice, leaving her locker wide

open she walked out of the lounge and into the chaos that

always greeted her. She could barely remember the time when

she had worked as an OB nurse. At the time she had thought it

chaotic, until she had stepped into the ER, it amazed her that

anyone survived some days. And that was just the staff.

She fell into step next to the gurney and hooked into the EMT's handover.

"...restrained front seat passenger, facial lacerations, complains

of abdominal pain and nausea. Tachy at 130, BP 100 over 60,

sats 98% on ten litres."

They swung the gurney into position in the trauma room and she

began affixing a variety of monitors. The paramedic continued

his briefing, but it faded out as she fell into the familiar

routine she knew well.

She handed the patient a bowl and helped roll her as she vomited,

she felt a familiarly warm and wet sensation and knew she

had been entirely successful in containing the deluge. She was

not perturbed, patients who had suffered trauma often vomited.

She looked up as the EMT concluded his round up of the

patient's medical history.

".....not known to be HIV, but she is CMV positive."

She felt chilled, "Excuse me?"

"She's CMV positive, didn't ask how she got infected, I

assumed it was from untreated blood products with her

clotting problem."

The patient nodded. Abby looked down at herself, she was

covered in vomit. She stepped away from the gurney, "Can

you get yosh? I can't stay in here."

She was already removing her gloves and apron, for

all the use they'd done, it had soaked through to her clothes.

Susan locked gazes with her, "What? Why? Are you sick?"

But she had already retreated out of the room, "What? No,

I just.. Have to get changed, I'm sorry."

Abby grabbed a pair of scrubs and went to the toilets, not

pausing to check if anyone else was inside she stripped her

soaked clothes off and began to wash herself down with paper

towels. Having done the best she could she faced herself

in the mirror. She was shaking and pale. She felt like

she might vomit again. She jumped as the door opened,

Susan Lewis strode in.

"We must stop meeting like this, people will talk." She said weakly.

"What's going on Abby?"

She knew from her tone she meant business, though Susan was

kind and understanding she knew she could be harsh

when she needed to be.

"I'm sorry, I guess I still don't feel too good, when she vomited-"

Susan cut her off, "I was there," she said sharply, then took

a breath and softened her tone, "I've seen you deal with

much worse, with a hangover. What's going on here Abby?"

She sighed and knew she would have to tell her,

"It was the CMV, stupid really-"

"You're pregnant?" She waited for a nodded reply, "That's

not stupid, you should be taking precautions,

though its perhaps a little too late for that speech!"

Abby kept her silence.

"I take it Carter wasn't all that pleased?"

"He doesn't know, he's not going to. I'm booked in

for a termination, I can't keep it, it would only

upset him. He just lost his grandmother, he doesn't

need to know about this." She felt guilty saying the

words out loud, a termination, without the father's

knowledge, without John even knowing. But what did

he care? Perhaps he should have had a little more

faith in her, maybe things could have been different. She

knew they couldn't, how could she give birth to a child

knowing what she could pass onto it?

"Abby, you can't go through this on your own. You need each other."

"I've done it before. I had a termination behind

my husband's back when we were married, he still

doesn't know, why should this be any different?" She said

angrily, she wanted to anger her into leaving her alone,

she knew John confided in her and didn't want to

involve her in the situation they had created.

Susan regarded her coolly, but did not make an angered

response, "But it is different, isn't it? Otherwise

why were you worried about the CMV? Why did you

stop drinking and smoking if you don't want this baby?"

Despite herself Abby felt tears prick in her eyes,

"I never said I didn't want it, I just can't

keep it, that's all."

Susan placed a hand on her shoulder, "I'm sending you home

sick, please use the time to go talk to John?

Before you decide on something you both regret?"

Regretting listening to Susan in the first place, she

faced Carter's apartment building. He would be sleeping,

but at least she knew where to find him. Thinking of a

less direct way of starting the conversation she reached

for her cell phone. Surely calling him first would be less

combative than appearing at his door when she

was meant to be at work.

She listening to the ringing, finally after what

seemed like an eternity a blurry voice answered,

"Yeah? Carter here."

She hesitated, Susan was wrong he didn't

need to know, did he? Words froze in her throat.

"Hello?" Came an impatient voice from the phone she held.

She cleared her throat, "Um, Carter? It's me.

I need to talk to you." Her voice died away as

she waited for a response, silence greeted her for a second then.

"I'm sleeping Abby. Aren't you meant to be at work?"

"Yeah, look I'm outside. Can I come up?"

His reply came quickly this time, "I told

you I need some time. I'll call you."

Before she could form a response, she heard the dial

tone. He'd hung up on her, on them. She slumped onto

a wall beside her feeling defeated. See, she told

herself, you let all these thoughts into your head and he

won't even listen to you long enough to tell him he's going

to be a father.

She stopped herself, where had that come from? He was not

going to be a father, she just felt Susan had a point,

that he should know what had happened, that for one thing

they needed to practice more effective birth control in

the future. If they had one. She knew they had problems,

but felt he was letting his grief over his grandmother seep

into their relationship. Who was she kidding? They didn't

have one, and that was exactly why she didn't owe him an

explanation over this termination. And why she didn't

have to explain it to herself, or anyone. What sort of

relationship did they have if they couldn't talk on

the phone for five minutes without hurting each other?

She had thought they could harm each other over the phone,

she knew they could score better face to face. By

the time she arrived at the ER she already raw emotionally.

Luca had called looking for Carter, assuming she knew he

was flying away to Africa the next morning. Of course she

didn't. Why would she? It wasn't like he owed her

anything, not like he had left her here, pregnant- she stopped

herself. She knew she was dramatising, he didn't even know

and he was hurting too, she shouldn't blame him for his

actions, they had both shown precious little regard for

each other's feelings over the passed few weeks. As she

rounded the corner she could hear foot fall and knew it

was his immediately.

He made to walk passed her, she stopped him, "Carter?

Luca was looking for you, he called thinking I might know

where you are. You're going then, to Africa." It took all

the self control she had stocked up during the day not to

break down into tears.

He nodded, "It's not Rio,... But its not here."

She fully understood the implications of this non-comment,

and it's not near you. She mentally added to his statement.

He made to walk away once more, again she pulled him

back with words, a little more time, she just

needed a little more time, "That's it?"

He looked a question at her, but did not respond.

She wanted to ask, that's it for us, isn't it, but

couldn't muster the courage or strength, "I haven't seen

you in like a week and that's it?"

He began to walk away, she did not stop him, "I saw you,

I saw you drunk tossing up on the side walk on your way

to work. Do I need to see anymore?" His back was to her,

she didn't bother to respond. He'd made his position and

his feelings quite clear.

The days passed slowly, not knowing when he was set to

return, she had no idea when to worry either about their

relationship on his return, or whether he was all right.

Getting home late and going to work early had become her

routine, she didn't think she'd had a day off since he

left, and she was exhausted.

She lay on the couch looking at, rather than watching,

a crappy show she was not following. She had eaten

simple pasta with tomato sauce for dinner, but

knew she was not going to keep it down. She had

started to feel nauseated before she'd finished it,

and half sat cold on the kitchen bench. She had

not kept anything down all day, but then again hadn't

eaten anything all day, so the balance was good she felt.

Feeling her nausea mount she ran to the bathroom where

she sank to the floor retching, her daily routine.

At least she had one constant in her life.

She flushed the toilet and lay back against the bath tub.

It's coolness through her T-shirt felt good. Shaking she

closed her eyes and breathed through another wave of nausea

knowing there was little or nothing left to throw up

and not wanting to expend the energy trying. She

felt her T-shirt was damp and realised she was sweating.

She turned on the shower and stepped in. The water

felt good, cleansing. She closed her eyes. She was

tired, very tired, perhaps tonight she would sleep.

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around

her. Padding into the living room she flicked off the

TV and lay in bed, not bothering to remove the damp towel.

When she woke it took her moment to get her senses ordered.

It was dark, but her bedside light was turned on, the

towel was still around her. As more senses came to her

she jerked fully awake, someone was sitting next to her.

"Hey, hey, sorry I didn't mean to frighten you."

Carter placed his hand on her arm as she half leapt out of the bed.

She fought back a wave of nausea caused by her rude awakening,

"god....carter... What are you doing here?" Carter, even

here, naked in her own bed still there seemed to be the

doctor-nurse divide. Or was she just more comfortable

keeping at a distance from him?

"I wanted to see you."

Well, obviously, she thought, you used your key to

my apartment in the middle of the night.

He turned his gaze down, "I'm sorry about what happened

before I left. I shouldn't have acted like that.

I didn't want to think I had made you drink-"

She snapped away from him, tears of frustration sprang

from her eyes and turned away so she couldn't see them,

"I wasn't drinking, I was sick!" She shouted at him,

ignoring the fact she was totally naked she stormed

out of the bedroom leaving him behind her.

Realising she was naked, and that it was not good arguing

tactics, she pulled her robe around herself. Hearing him

shuffle into the room behind her she leaned on

the work top of her kitchen, trying to compose herself.

"Sorry, just, you sounded OK, when you came to my

apartment. You said you needed to talk to me-"

"You made it clear you weren't interested in anything I

had to say, what's changed?"

"I have," he replied quickly, " or at least my perspective

has. I love you Abby. I want to be with you,

whatever that means. But you have to want to be with me."

She faced him once more, "I do, but, you should know

something before you make any big sweeping promises."

She slowed, her momentum had suddenly deserted her now

she had the moment she had wanted, "I wanted to talk

to you, I needed to tell you .... I'm pregnant."

She could see her words fade through the tired layers

of his brain, had he got straight off a plane and come here?

"OK, lets talk about what-"

She interrupted him, "I wanted to tell you before you

went away, I arranged a termination, without telling you,

I just wanted it over with."

He sat on the sofa, she tentatively slid down

near, but not next to him, "when is it?" He said finally.

"A few days ago."

He looked down, "So it's over? You had to do it on your own?"

"No."

"Did your mom go with you? Or someone?"

She looked away from his pained gaze, and stared at the

smooth finish on the table, "No, I said I'm pregnant, I didn't

go through with it." She felt tears welling up in her

eyes again and let them fall. At this point she felt

totally hopeless, she couldn't explain her actions. After

telling him, with certainly, that she wouldn't have

children because she couldn't cope with the possibility

of passing bipolar onto them she knew she couldn't

terminate this pregnancy.

He reached out and touched her hand softly, encouraged when

she did not pull away he lent in closer and pulled her

into his chest. His heart pounding with excitement and

fright, "Why?" He whispered, "you did before."

She sniffled loudly and buried her face in him,

breathing deeply she felt his sent fill her sense

and she relaxed against him, "I... Couldn't do that

to you, to us. I want this baby, and you, but you don't have to stay-"

"I'm not going anywhere. We're all at home"