Disclaimer:
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*
Lauren: Uh, Laura?
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOURS??? Hey!
Tolkien: Ahem?
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*
Tolkien: NO.
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*
Random outburst for the chapter: CHOPSTICK!!!
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Chapter 4: Laura is attacked by a perverted invertebrate..
~Lauren POV~
The big-ass pile of snow fell on top of and buried us. I was stuck in a standing position, white stuff all around me. Damn, was it cold!
Legolas, who had been up near the front, popped out first (like in the movie), and started helping everyone else out. I, of course, was last. Or so I thought.
"Is everyone alright?" Gandalf asked.
"Oh, yes. We're all just PEACHY! I mean, I love being buried by a billion tons of snow.." I started, but Aragorn clapped his hand over my mouth.
"Mffuut wefft ifft Wawa?" I said.
"I'm sorry?" Aragorn asked, taking his hand away.
"Dude, try washing your hands sometime.. I said, but where is Laura?"
Everyone turned to look at the person next to them, but she wasn't anywhere. "Oh, shit!" I started digging frantically, calling out to her. "LAURA!! CRAP!! GODDAMMIT, LAURA!! WHERE ARE YOU!?"
~Legolas POV~
"LAURA!! GODDAMMIT, LAURA WHERE ARE YOU!?" Lauren cried. We all started digging around us, trying to find any trace of the blond girl. We continued digging for nearly ten minutes, but there was no sign of her.
"Oh my God, what if she fell-?" Lauren trailed off, and everyone looked over the cliff. I heard Aragorn swallow hard.
"Lauren, don't worry. We will find her," I said, trying to comfort her, but she would have none of it.
"LOOK, MR. I'M-AN-ELF-AND-THAT-MEANS-I'M-BETTER-THAN-EVERYONE-ELSE, I DON'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU THINK, A'RIGHT? WHAT IF MY FRIEND IS DEAD? ARE YOU GONNA STAND AROUND SAYING 'OH IT WILL BE FINE MAYBE SHE'LL COME BACK TO LIFE?'" Lauren looked like she would strangle me.
"Lauren, please! Listen to Legolas! I highly doubt Laura's dead, and I'm positive she didn't fall off the cliff. Calm down." Aragorn wrapped his arm around the sobbing girl's shoulders. I turned away, feeling awful, and kept digging.
~Aragorn POV~
I wrapped my arms around Lauren's shoulders as she started sobbing. We both watched as Legolas started digging faster and faster. Boromir trudged back through the snow to help him. Suddenly-
"Damn!" Boromir tripped and fell face-first into a huge drift of snow. Everyone started laughing, even Lauren.
"Boromir!" I said through my laughter, "what did you trip on?"
"No idea." Boromir looked back behind him. "Oh, no-"
"LAURA!!!" Lauren tugged away from me and knelt down next to her friend's body. "Oh my God.. Oh my god.. She's not breathing!"
I ran and knelt next to her and held my sword under her nose. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Lauren screeched, pulling the blade away from Laura's body.
"Don't! I'm seeing if she's breathing!" I put the sword back under her nose, and let out a sigh of relief as the metal steamed up a very tiny bit. "Thank the Valar."
"Oh, god, thank you! Thank you!" Lauren picked up her friend clung to her.
"Lauren, here, put this on her." Boromir took a cloak out of his pack, and Lauren wrapped it around Laura's body as the wind started to pick up.
"Well, now what?" I asked, breathless with the cold.
"We must make for the gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city!" Boromir cried over the wind.
"No! The gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" I yelled back.
"We cannot pass over the mountain! Let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria," Gimli answered.
Gandalf looked at all of us with a puzzled and thoughtful glance. "Let the Ringbearer decide," he said quietly.
Frodo looked up at him, then at the rest of us. "We will go through the Mines."
"So be it." Gandalf started trudging back the way we came. Legolas picked up Laura's still body, and we followed them back down the mountain.
~Laura POV~
I couldn't see anything. I couldn't hear anything either, except for mumbling, and a few words like "LAURA!" "No!" "Mines." All I knew was that I was pretty damn cold.
I felt someone pick me up, and I groaned. My body felt like it had been crushed. Oh wait, I thought to myself, I HAD been crushed.
I heard a sweet-sounding voice whisper in my ear. I had no idea what language it was, but it was comforting.
A little while later, I didn't feel as cold as before, and after that, my body temperature was almost back to normal.
I felt my body suddenly being lowered towards the ground, and was relieved when I realized it wasn't snow I was being set on. I opened my eyes a tiny bit, then shut them again. It was bright! Up on the mountain, it had been dark from all of the snow.
"Laura! Oh, please wake up!" I heard someone plead. The voice was extremely familiar..
"Lauren?" I whispered to the silhouette of a girl against the bright sun.
"Oh, thank god! She's awake!" I cringed as she yelled to everyone else in the camp, who came running over.
"That was a mighty close call, Laura," Gandalf said. "You have a nasty bruise on your head, too."
"Granfraad.." I mumbled. Everyone chuckled, and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "I mean Gandalf. Gandalf. That's what I said."
"Sure you did," Lauren said lovingly. "How do you feel?"
"Shitty," I muttered.
"Can't say I blame you. I mean, having several tons of snow fall on you isn't too fun, huh?"
"Not exactly."
"We were worried about you," Legolas said.
"Really?" I asked, with a childish look on my face.
"Well.. somewhat."
"Jerk." I hit him softly on his arm as Gimli came shuffling towards us.
"I, erm, uh, I'm glad that you're, uh, okay," he said gruffly.
"Awwww, thanks you big fluffy head," I said, grinning. He mumbled and stalked away.
"Well, now that we know that you are alright, we shall be heading to Moria tomorrow," Gandalf announced. "Here is a warning: when we are in the mines, you must be very silent. Evil things dwell in Khazad-dum, and we do not want to disturb them." Everyone nodded, and went back to what they were doing.
~Lauren POV~
So the next day the Fellowship Plus Two (FPT) started out towards Moria. After about four hours of marching, we came to the Doors of Moria (angels sing "Ahhh!")
"Ithilden.." I heard Gandalf mutter. "It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.."
Suddenly a picture appeared on the rock wall. It looked like a neon light sign, if you ask me, which you didn't, but it's my opinion, and I'm telling the story right now, so NEH!!! *sticks out tongue* Ahem, sorry. Getting off track here..
Anywho, Gandalf said, "It reads-" but Laura cut him off.
"The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. Thank you! I'll be here 'til Thursday! Try the veal!" She bowed and sat under a tree as I applauded and the Fellowship gaped.
"You know Elvish?" Legolas asked.
"No, but like I said before, Lauren and me know EXACTLY what's gonna happen!" she said with a big grin.
"Indeed.." Legolas turned back to Gandalf, who started babbling something in Elvish. I giggled as he stood there with a completely stupid look on his face, and laughed out loud when he tried to push the door open.
"And what, may I ask, is so funny?" he asked with a growl.
"You-you- *snicker* YOU LOOK SO RETARDED!!!" Laura and I clutched our sides and started laughing our lungs out.
"Oh Valar.." the rest muttered. This only sent us into more hysterics. After we had FINALLY calmed down, I looked over at Laura. "Auralay?" I asked in Pig Latin.
"Esyay?"
"Oday ouyay inkthay atthay eway ouldshay elltay emthay ethay asswordpay?" I asked.
"Hmm.." Laura pondered for a moment. "Onay. Eythay eednay otay igurefay itay outay emselvesay. Esidesbay, Rodofay ouldshay aysay itay anyay inutemay.. ITSHAY!!!"
"Atway?" I asked, panicking.
"Ippinpay anday Errymay areay rowingthay ocksray intoay ethay akelay!"
"Ammitday! Ohay ellway.."
"It's a riddle!" Frodo cried.
"Eesay?" Laura said, turning to me again.
"What's the Elvish word for 'friend'?"
"Mellon," Gandalf answered, and the doors swung open.
"AND MR. GANDALF GREYHAME WINS AGAIN! YOU WIN.." I looked around, trying to think of something, "A BRAND.. NEW.. LEAF!!!" I pulled a leaf off one of the trees on either side of the door.
"Stop! You're hurting the trees!" Legolas cried, ripping the leaf out of my hand and placing it lovingly on the exposed roots of the tree.
"Sheesh.. tree hugger," Laura muttered. Then she scooted over towards me. "Aw, man, this is it! Now we hafta go look at a bunch of dead things!.." We both shuddered.
~Legolas POV~
A foul stench reached my nose as we walked through the gates into Moria. I rolled my eyes as Gimli said, "Soon, Master Elf, you shall enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires! Malt beer! Ripe meat off the bone! This, my friend," another roll of my eyes, "is the home of-"
"Oh, put a sock in it, will ya? Geez, you are such an annoying little fluffy head aren't ya?" Lauren said. I chuckled and looked around as Gandalf lit up the room. My face fell. Oh, Valar..
"This is no mine.. It's a tomb!" Boromir said.
"No.. NOOO!!" Gimli cried as he saw the skeletons lying on the floor. I hate to admit it, but I felt somewhat sorry for him. I knelt down and inspected one of the arrows sticking out from between the ribs of one of the unfortunate dwarves.
"Goblins!" I spat as I threw the arrow on the ground.
"We make for the gap of Rohan! We shouldn't have ever come here! Get out! GET OUT!" Boromir cried. Everyone started backing up, when suddenly-
"Ahh!" I spun around and saw Frodo being dragged towards the lake by a giant tentacle.
"Frodo!" everyone cried, and we ran out to the shore. Laura and Lauren started hacking at the tentacle that was holding on to Frodo. "Strider!" Sam cried. Aragorn ran out and took one swipe at the arm, and it fell off. A roar came from the water, and a hideous creature showed its face.
"OH MY GOD!!!" Laura shrieked. "Gross.. UGH!!! GET OFF ME!!!" She hacked at the tip of the arm that had wrapped itself around her upper thigh. "PERVERTED OCTOPUS!!!" Finally she took the small knife I had given her and stabbed the arm, which was now mutilated. It quickly pulled itself back into the water.
As Frodo fell into his arms, Boromir yelled, "LEGOLAS!" which, obviously, caught my attention. I quickly pulled an arrow out of my quiver, and shot it into the eye of the Watcher. It gave a furious growl and came after all of us, but we were already back inside Moria. Laura and Lauren just barely made it inside before the giant beast pulled down the doors and trapped us in.
There was silence for a moment, before I heard someone say, "Damn octopus thingy. Now I'm gonna have a bruise on my thigh, and if we ever get home-"
"When we get home," Lauren corrected.
"-IF we get home, everyone's gonna think I did.. uh.. impure things.." she trailed off. I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Shuddup, Princess Puff," she growled.
"We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria," Gandalf said, lighting up the cave once again.
"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Laura muttered. I nudged her in the ribs. "Ow! Stupid elf.."
"Be on your guard," Gandalf said, irritation clearly in his tone. "There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.."
"Woohoo! I like older men.." Lauren said, and her companion sniggered. "Hey, how 'bout Leggy kins? He's about three thous-"
"Hush! We need to be silent!" I said.
"Ha ha! Looks like Leggy kins is embarrassed of his age," Laura taunted.
"I am not! I just don't want to be killed by a bunch of orcs!"
"Uh-huh. Suuuure, Leggy poo. I believe you." I stuck out my leg and she tripped, falling right on the lap of a skeleton. Her face went pale and she tried to scream, but air just passed her lips. Her eyes went wide, and then she fainted.
"Great.. now look what you've done! She's terrified of dead.. things! Especially skeletons!" Lauren scolded. "Now you have to carry her again."
"Fine! It's better than having to hear her gripe!" I picked up Laura's body (again), and followed the rest of the Fellowship.
~Lauren POV~
"Damn elf," I muttered as Legolas walked past.
Laura woke up about ten minutes later. "Are we at the candy store yet, mommy?" she asked. Legolas looked down at her. "Beg your pardon?"
"I said, are we- AHHHH!!!" Laura screeched as she saw that Legolas was carrying her. "PUT ME DOWN!! PUT ME DOWN!!!" She started kicking frantically in his arms.
"Have it your way!" Elf boy said, and he literally dropped her. Laura made an "Oof!" sound as she hit the solid rock. When she got up, she was rubbing her behind. "Asshole," she muttered.
"Hush! We must be silent!" Gandalf whispered.
The FPT started climbing an extremely steep flight of steps. They were so steep, in fact, that it was almost like walking up a ladder. At the top, we reached the place where the path split off into, not three, but SIX separate passages.
"I have no memory of this place," the geezer whispered.
"Aw, shit," I muttered. "There were only three in the movie!" Laura nodded in agreement.
"CURSE YOU PETER JACKSON!!!" she called to no one in particular.
"SHHH!!!" everyone said back.
"Party poopers.."
I walked over and plopped down next to Aragorn, who was smoking his pipe. "You do know that smoking gives you lung cancer, don't you?"
"What?"
"Lung cancer! Smoking gives you lung cancer!"
"What is lung cancer?" I looked over at Laura, who gave me an evil grin. I smirked back and nodded.
"Well," I said in a creepy voice, "it's when you're lungs turn black."
"What's so bad about that?" He was still skeptical.
"No! That's not the worst of it! Then, your teeth turn BROWN!!!" He gasped. "And then, your lungs.."
"Wha-what happens to your lungs?" he squeaked.
"They blow up," I whispered menacingly.
"YIKES!!!" He took his pipe and chucked it over the cliff. Laura and I started laughing our asses off.
"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!!!" I started cracking up even more when she did a perfect impression.
"You made me throw my pipe away for no reason!?" he yelped.
"Uh.. well, the lung cancer thing isn't a lie, just the blowing up part.." I explained, and Laura snorted. Aragorn jumped up and approached us, but Legolas caught his shoulder.
"You know, Aragorn, smoking doesn't help you smell any better either," he explained in a completely serious tone.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!" We just couldn't hold it in any longer. It had been so many long.. days since we had had such a good laugh.
"Oh, shut up," Mr. Big-and-Mighty-Ranger-Dude growled, shoving all three of us.
Laura gasped suddenly. "Lauren!! Lauren!! Lookie!!" she hissed.
"What?"
"It's GOLLUM!!!" she squealed.
"YAY!!!" Gollum is the coolest character in Lord of the Rings, besides Legolas and Aragorn, of course. "Do you think we could talk to him?"
"I doubt it. He might strangle us or something," she answered dejectedly.
"Rats."
"Oh! It's that way!" Gandalf said suddenly, then went into his little lecture about trusting your sense of smell to find your way. Well I say, what if you're trying to get to a Burger King, and you're sniffing for fries, but instead you find a McDonald's. THEN what do you do?
Anywho, so we went down the staircase and out into a GIGANTIC room.. hall.. thing..
"HOLY CRAP THIS THING IS HUGE!!" I cried.
"Shh! Yes, it is the great dwarf realm and city of Dwarrowdelf," Gandalf told us.
"Oooh, pretty stone pillars.." Laura muttered behind me, grinning.
"AH!"
"Aw crap, here we go.." I muttered.
"Gimli!" The little fuzz head started trotting towards a smaller room, which Laura and I both knew was Balin's tomb.
~Laura POV~
Everyone followed Gimli as he ran towards the tomb. I felt terrible for the little dude.. he must have been really close to his cousin. I patted his shoulder as he laid his head against the stone sarcophagus.
"It reads, 'Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead then," Gandalf said sadly, taking off his cool pointy hat, and handing it to Pippin. He looked at the rest of us. "It is as I feared."
He then handed Pippin his staff also, and knelt down next to a.. *gulp* dead body, which was holding a book.
"Oh, sick!! Oh, gross!! Ew ew ew ew ew.." I couldn't stand the thought of anyone handling anything that had been touched by a dead person for the last ten years, or whatever.
"We must move on," Legolas said hastily. "We cannot linger."
"Duh, you silly fruit bowl," I muttered. I smirked as he glared at me.
"They have taken the bridge, and the second hall.." Gandalf started reading from the Book of the Dead Icky Little Dwarf Thing, as I called it. Blah blah blah.. Aw, crap, here comes the big..
BANG!!! BANG!!! BOOM!!! THUMP!!! CRASH!!! We all spun around and watched Pippin as the OTHER dead guy fell down the well. I shuddered with each crash, and couldn't help shaking when they were gone. I felt someone lay their hand on my shoulder. I turned around, and was amazed to see that it was Legolas. He looked with a terrified expression at Gandalf, then smiled down somewhat nervously at me. We both bowed our heads to the floor.
"FOOL OF A TOOK!" Gandalf cried quietly. "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
Boom doom.. doom doom boom.. doom doom boom doom boom.. I looked at Lauren, suddenly terrified for my life. I jumped up and ran to Gandalf.
"They are coming," I said quietly.
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I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY REVIEWS!!! *wails* WHY ME!?!?
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*
Lauren: Uh, Laura?
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOURS??? Hey!
Tolkien: Ahem?
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*
Tolkien: NO.
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*
Random outburst for the chapter: CHOPSTICK!!!
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Chapter 4: Laura is attacked by a perverted invertebrate..
~Lauren POV~
The big-ass pile of snow fell on top of and buried us. I was stuck in a standing position, white stuff all around me. Damn, was it cold!
Legolas, who had been up near the front, popped out first (like in the movie), and started helping everyone else out. I, of course, was last. Or so I thought.
"Is everyone alright?" Gandalf asked.
"Oh, yes. We're all just PEACHY! I mean, I love being buried by a billion tons of snow.." I started, but Aragorn clapped his hand over my mouth.
"Mffuut wefft ifft Wawa?" I said.
"I'm sorry?" Aragorn asked, taking his hand away.
"Dude, try washing your hands sometime.. I said, but where is Laura?"
Everyone turned to look at the person next to them, but she wasn't anywhere. "Oh, shit!" I started digging frantically, calling out to her. "LAURA!! CRAP!! GODDAMMIT, LAURA!! WHERE ARE YOU!?"
~Legolas POV~
"LAURA!! GODDAMMIT, LAURA WHERE ARE YOU!?" Lauren cried. We all started digging around us, trying to find any trace of the blond girl. We continued digging for nearly ten minutes, but there was no sign of her.
"Oh my God, what if she fell-?" Lauren trailed off, and everyone looked over the cliff. I heard Aragorn swallow hard.
"Lauren, don't worry. We will find her," I said, trying to comfort her, but she would have none of it.
"LOOK, MR. I'M-AN-ELF-AND-THAT-MEANS-I'M-BETTER-THAN-EVERYONE-ELSE, I DON'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU THINK, A'RIGHT? WHAT IF MY FRIEND IS DEAD? ARE YOU GONNA STAND AROUND SAYING 'OH IT WILL BE FINE MAYBE SHE'LL COME BACK TO LIFE?'" Lauren looked like she would strangle me.
"Lauren, please! Listen to Legolas! I highly doubt Laura's dead, and I'm positive she didn't fall off the cliff. Calm down." Aragorn wrapped his arm around the sobbing girl's shoulders. I turned away, feeling awful, and kept digging.
~Aragorn POV~
I wrapped my arms around Lauren's shoulders as she started sobbing. We both watched as Legolas started digging faster and faster. Boromir trudged back through the snow to help him. Suddenly-
"Damn!" Boromir tripped and fell face-first into a huge drift of snow. Everyone started laughing, even Lauren.
"Boromir!" I said through my laughter, "what did you trip on?"
"No idea." Boromir looked back behind him. "Oh, no-"
"LAURA!!!" Lauren tugged away from me and knelt down next to her friend's body. "Oh my God.. Oh my god.. She's not breathing!"
I ran and knelt next to her and held my sword under her nose. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Lauren screeched, pulling the blade away from Laura's body.
"Don't! I'm seeing if she's breathing!" I put the sword back under her nose, and let out a sigh of relief as the metal steamed up a very tiny bit. "Thank the Valar."
"Oh, god, thank you! Thank you!" Lauren picked up her friend clung to her.
"Lauren, here, put this on her." Boromir took a cloak out of his pack, and Lauren wrapped it around Laura's body as the wind started to pick up.
"Well, now what?" I asked, breathless with the cold.
"We must make for the gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city!" Boromir cried over the wind.
"No! The gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" I yelled back.
"We cannot pass over the mountain! Let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria," Gimli answered.
Gandalf looked at all of us with a puzzled and thoughtful glance. "Let the Ringbearer decide," he said quietly.
Frodo looked up at him, then at the rest of us. "We will go through the Mines."
"So be it." Gandalf started trudging back the way we came. Legolas picked up Laura's still body, and we followed them back down the mountain.
~Laura POV~
I couldn't see anything. I couldn't hear anything either, except for mumbling, and a few words like "LAURA!" "No!" "Mines." All I knew was that I was pretty damn cold.
I felt someone pick me up, and I groaned. My body felt like it had been crushed. Oh wait, I thought to myself, I HAD been crushed.
I heard a sweet-sounding voice whisper in my ear. I had no idea what language it was, but it was comforting.
A little while later, I didn't feel as cold as before, and after that, my body temperature was almost back to normal.
I felt my body suddenly being lowered towards the ground, and was relieved when I realized it wasn't snow I was being set on. I opened my eyes a tiny bit, then shut them again. It was bright! Up on the mountain, it had been dark from all of the snow.
"Laura! Oh, please wake up!" I heard someone plead. The voice was extremely familiar..
"Lauren?" I whispered to the silhouette of a girl against the bright sun.
"Oh, thank god! She's awake!" I cringed as she yelled to everyone else in the camp, who came running over.
"That was a mighty close call, Laura," Gandalf said. "You have a nasty bruise on your head, too."
"Granfraad.." I mumbled. Everyone chuckled, and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "I mean Gandalf. Gandalf. That's what I said."
"Sure you did," Lauren said lovingly. "How do you feel?"
"Shitty," I muttered.
"Can't say I blame you. I mean, having several tons of snow fall on you isn't too fun, huh?"
"Not exactly."
"We were worried about you," Legolas said.
"Really?" I asked, with a childish look on my face.
"Well.. somewhat."
"Jerk." I hit him softly on his arm as Gimli came shuffling towards us.
"I, erm, uh, I'm glad that you're, uh, okay," he said gruffly.
"Awwww, thanks you big fluffy head," I said, grinning. He mumbled and stalked away.
"Well, now that we know that you are alright, we shall be heading to Moria tomorrow," Gandalf announced. "Here is a warning: when we are in the mines, you must be very silent. Evil things dwell in Khazad-dum, and we do not want to disturb them." Everyone nodded, and went back to what they were doing.
~Lauren POV~
So the next day the Fellowship Plus Two (FPT) started out towards Moria. After about four hours of marching, we came to the Doors of Moria (angels sing "Ahhh!")
"Ithilden.." I heard Gandalf mutter. "It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.."
Suddenly a picture appeared on the rock wall. It looked like a neon light sign, if you ask me, which you didn't, but it's my opinion, and I'm telling the story right now, so NEH!!! *sticks out tongue* Ahem, sorry. Getting off track here..
Anywho, Gandalf said, "It reads-" but Laura cut him off.
"The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. Thank you! I'll be here 'til Thursday! Try the veal!" She bowed and sat under a tree as I applauded and the Fellowship gaped.
"You know Elvish?" Legolas asked.
"No, but like I said before, Lauren and me know EXACTLY what's gonna happen!" she said with a big grin.
"Indeed.." Legolas turned back to Gandalf, who started babbling something in Elvish. I giggled as he stood there with a completely stupid look on his face, and laughed out loud when he tried to push the door open.
"And what, may I ask, is so funny?" he asked with a growl.
"You-you- *snicker* YOU LOOK SO RETARDED!!!" Laura and I clutched our sides and started laughing our lungs out.
"Oh Valar.." the rest muttered. This only sent us into more hysterics. After we had FINALLY calmed down, I looked over at Laura. "Auralay?" I asked in Pig Latin.
"Esyay?"
"Oday ouyay inkthay atthay eway ouldshay elltay emthay ethay asswordpay?" I asked.
"Hmm.." Laura pondered for a moment. "Onay. Eythay eednay otay igurefay itay outay emselvesay. Esidesbay, Rodofay ouldshay aysay itay anyay inutemay.. ITSHAY!!!"
"Atway?" I asked, panicking.
"Ippinpay anday Errymay areay rowingthay ocksray intoay ethay akelay!"
"Ammitday! Ohay ellway.."
"It's a riddle!" Frodo cried.
"Eesay?" Laura said, turning to me again.
"What's the Elvish word for 'friend'?"
"Mellon," Gandalf answered, and the doors swung open.
"AND MR. GANDALF GREYHAME WINS AGAIN! YOU WIN.." I looked around, trying to think of something, "A BRAND.. NEW.. LEAF!!!" I pulled a leaf off one of the trees on either side of the door.
"Stop! You're hurting the trees!" Legolas cried, ripping the leaf out of my hand and placing it lovingly on the exposed roots of the tree.
"Sheesh.. tree hugger," Laura muttered. Then she scooted over towards me. "Aw, man, this is it! Now we hafta go look at a bunch of dead things!.." We both shuddered.
~Legolas POV~
A foul stench reached my nose as we walked through the gates into Moria. I rolled my eyes as Gimli said, "Soon, Master Elf, you shall enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires! Malt beer! Ripe meat off the bone! This, my friend," another roll of my eyes, "is the home of-"
"Oh, put a sock in it, will ya? Geez, you are such an annoying little fluffy head aren't ya?" Lauren said. I chuckled and looked around as Gandalf lit up the room. My face fell. Oh, Valar..
"This is no mine.. It's a tomb!" Boromir said.
"No.. NOOO!!" Gimli cried as he saw the skeletons lying on the floor. I hate to admit it, but I felt somewhat sorry for him. I knelt down and inspected one of the arrows sticking out from between the ribs of one of the unfortunate dwarves.
"Goblins!" I spat as I threw the arrow on the ground.
"We make for the gap of Rohan! We shouldn't have ever come here! Get out! GET OUT!" Boromir cried. Everyone started backing up, when suddenly-
"Ahh!" I spun around and saw Frodo being dragged towards the lake by a giant tentacle.
"Frodo!" everyone cried, and we ran out to the shore. Laura and Lauren started hacking at the tentacle that was holding on to Frodo. "Strider!" Sam cried. Aragorn ran out and took one swipe at the arm, and it fell off. A roar came from the water, and a hideous creature showed its face.
"OH MY GOD!!!" Laura shrieked. "Gross.. UGH!!! GET OFF ME!!!" She hacked at the tip of the arm that had wrapped itself around her upper thigh. "PERVERTED OCTOPUS!!!" Finally she took the small knife I had given her and stabbed the arm, which was now mutilated. It quickly pulled itself back into the water.
As Frodo fell into his arms, Boromir yelled, "LEGOLAS!" which, obviously, caught my attention. I quickly pulled an arrow out of my quiver, and shot it into the eye of the Watcher. It gave a furious growl and came after all of us, but we were already back inside Moria. Laura and Lauren just barely made it inside before the giant beast pulled down the doors and trapped us in.
There was silence for a moment, before I heard someone say, "Damn octopus thingy. Now I'm gonna have a bruise on my thigh, and if we ever get home-"
"When we get home," Lauren corrected.
"-IF we get home, everyone's gonna think I did.. uh.. impure things.." she trailed off. I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Shuddup, Princess Puff," she growled.
"We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria," Gandalf said, lighting up the cave once again.
"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Laura muttered. I nudged her in the ribs. "Ow! Stupid elf.."
"Be on your guard," Gandalf said, irritation clearly in his tone. "There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.."
"Woohoo! I like older men.." Lauren said, and her companion sniggered. "Hey, how 'bout Leggy kins? He's about three thous-"
"Hush! We need to be silent!" I said.
"Ha ha! Looks like Leggy kins is embarrassed of his age," Laura taunted.
"I am not! I just don't want to be killed by a bunch of orcs!"
"Uh-huh. Suuuure, Leggy poo. I believe you." I stuck out my leg and she tripped, falling right on the lap of a skeleton. Her face went pale and she tried to scream, but air just passed her lips. Her eyes went wide, and then she fainted.
"Great.. now look what you've done! She's terrified of dead.. things! Especially skeletons!" Lauren scolded. "Now you have to carry her again."
"Fine! It's better than having to hear her gripe!" I picked up Laura's body (again), and followed the rest of the Fellowship.
~Lauren POV~
"Damn elf," I muttered as Legolas walked past.
Laura woke up about ten minutes later. "Are we at the candy store yet, mommy?" she asked. Legolas looked down at her. "Beg your pardon?"
"I said, are we- AHHHH!!!" Laura screeched as she saw that Legolas was carrying her. "PUT ME DOWN!! PUT ME DOWN!!!" She started kicking frantically in his arms.
"Have it your way!" Elf boy said, and he literally dropped her. Laura made an "Oof!" sound as she hit the solid rock. When she got up, she was rubbing her behind. "Asshole," she muttered.
"Hush! We must be silent!" Gandalf whispered.
The FPT started climbing an extremely steep flight of steps. They were so steep, in fact, that it was almost like walking up a ladder. At the top, we reached the place where the path split off into, not three, but SIX separate passages.
"I have no memory of this place," the geezer whispered.
"Aw, shit," I muttered. "There were only three in the movie!" Laura nodded in agreement.
"CURSE YOU PETER JACKSON!!!" she called to no one in particular.
"SHHH!!!" everyone said back.
"Party poopers.."
I walked over and plopped down next to Aragorn, who was smoking his pipe. "You do know that smoking gives you lung cancer, don't you?"
"What?"
"Lung cancer! Smoking gives you lung cancer!"
"What is lung cancer?" I looked over at Laura, who gave me an evil grin. I smirked back and nodded.
"Well," I said in a creepy voice, "it's when you're lungs turn black."
"What's so bad about that?" He was still skeptical.
"No! That's not the worst of it! Then, your teeth turn BROWN!!!" He gasped. "And then, your lungs.."
"Wha-what happens to your lungs?" he squeaked.
"They blow up," I whispered menacingly.
"YIKES!!!" He took his pipe and chucked it over the cliff. Laura and I started laughing our asses off.
"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!!!" I started cracking up even more when she did a perfect impression.
"You made me throw my pipe away for no reason!?" he yelped.
"Uh.. well, the lung cancer thing isn't a lie, just the blowing up part.." I explained, and Laura snorted. Aragorn jumped up and approached us, but Legolas caught his shoulder.
"You know, Aragorn, smoking doesn't help you smell any better either," he explained in a completely serious tone.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!" We just couldn't hold it in any longer. It had been so many long.. days since we had had such a good laugh.
"Oh, shut up," Mr. Big-and-Mighty-Ranger-Dude growled, shoving all three of us.
Laura gasped suddenly. "Lauren!! Lauren!! Lookie!!" she hissed.
"What?"
"It's GOLLUM!!!" she squealed.
"YAY!!!" Gollum is the coolest character in Lord of the Rings, besides Legolas and Aragorn, of course. "Do you think we could talk to him?"
"I doubt it. He might strangle us or something," she answered dejectedly.
"Rats."
"Oh! It's that way!" Gandalf said suddenly, then went into his little lecture about trusting your sense of smell to find your way. Well I say, what if you're trying to get to a Burger King, and you're sniffing for fries, but instead you find a McDonald's. THEN what do you do?
Anywho, so we went down the staircase and out into a GIGANTIC room.. hall.. thing..
"HOLY CRAP THIS THING IS HUGE!!" I cried.
"Shh! Yes, it is the great dwarf realm and city of Dwarrowdelf," Gandalf told us.
"Oooh, pretty stone pillars.." Laura muttered behind me, grinning.
"AH!"
"Aw crap, here we go.." I muttered.
"Gimli!" The little fuzz head started trotting towards a smaller room, which Laura and I both knew was Balin's tomb.
~Laura POV~
Everyone followed Gimli as he ran towards the tomb. I felt terrible for the little dude.. he must have been really close to his cousin. I patted his shoulder as he laid his head against the stone sarcophagus.
"It reads, 'Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead then," Gandalf said sadly, taking off his cool pointy hat, and handing it to Pippin. He looked at the rest of us. "It is as I feared."
He then handed Pippin his staff also, and knelt down next to a.. *gulp* dead body, which was holding a book.
"Oh, sick!! Oh, gross!! Ew ew ew ew ew.." I couldn't stand the thought of anyone handling anything that had been touched by a dead person for the last ten years, or whatever.
"We must move on," Legolas said hastily. "We cannot linger."
"Duh, you silly fruit bowl," I muttered. I smirked as he glared at me.
"They have taken the bridge, and the second hall.." Gandalf started reading from the Book of the Dead Icky Little Dwarf Thing, as I called it. Blah blah blah.. Aw, crap, here comes the big..
BANG!!! BANG!!! BOOM!!! THUMP!!! CRASH!!! We all spun around and watched Pippin as the OTHER dead guy fell down the well. I shuddered with each crash, and couldn't help shaking when they were gone. I felt someone lay their hand on my shoulder. I turned around, and was amazed to see that it was Legolas. He looked with a terrified expression at Gandalf, then smiled down somewhat nervously at me. We both bowed our heads to the floor.
"FOOL OF A TOOK!" Gandalf cried quietly. "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
Boom doom.. doom doom boom.. doom doom boom doom boom.. I looked at Lauren, suddenly terrified for my life. I jumped up and ran to Gandalf.
"They are coming," I said quietly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY REVIEWS!!! *wails* WHY ME!?!?
