A/N: Hmm... Thankies very much to everyone who'd reviewed the story up to this point. Truthfully, I really, really hate this fic. It's too sappy, tooth-achingly so. I tried to put angst in it, I truly did, but my attempts floundered. And so, I'd like to announce that I'll wrap this story up in one or two more chapters. Later, I might also add on little vignettes, like 'Cooking with Kai' and so on, but that'll depend.
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Falling
~Rei's POV~
You know what's stupid? Love. Oh, yeah, you heard me right. Love is the stupidest thing one can have happen to him. Love is the most idiotic emotion known to mankind. It makes you do ridiculous things, think weird thoughts and just act so out of character. Every word said to you takes on a double meaning, even if it was meant to be plain. You can't help but ask yourself and wonder and hope whether 'how are you?' is really something more, like 'I've missed you' or 'I can't be without you'. And then your heart swells and your innards become pure mush. That ball crawls up your throat and, annoyingly, stays there until you can barely say anything comprehensible.
I look at Max and Takao. The two of them are sprawled on the couch, animatedly watching some show. Max's leg dangles off the side of the sofa while the rest of him is pressed into Takao's side. The latter has his arm wrapped around the former's slender waist, gently stoking the blond tresses. My stomach muscles clench and I have to literally force my gaze away. The envy claws its way up my spine, gleefully. And I hate myself for it. They were – are, I remind myself with a mental frown– my friends, and the last time I checked, friends did not feel resentment toward each other.
And still, I see the two of them, molten into each other, basking in a warm glow just for them. And still, the envy tightens its claws around my bawls. I want what they have. I want that warmth, I want that security. I had glimpses of it, scattered, secret peeks at what could have been. But those weren't enough.
Like not too long ago when I pretended to be asleep, but really wasn't. That time, when I had the nightmare about Kai and I and said all those things... I heard his promise, he didn't know but I'm not about to tell him; I still hear it whenever I close my eyes. I makes my heart swell, painfully. I can still remember the feel of his body pressed against mine, I can still feel his skin on my own; I feel him softly touching my hair – as if he'd been waiting to do that for a long time – and his warm breath tickling my nape. That time comes back to taunt me, as if to say what once was will never be the same again. I go to sleep every night wishing to wake up in his arms again...
I wake up to cold sheets and another tight ball in my stomach.
Shaking my head to clear it from the less than welcome thoughts, I tighten my grasp on Drigger and stalk outside of Takao's dojo. It's no use to brood about things that can't be helped. It wouldn't do me good to dwell too much on something like that. Yeah, I tell myself, no good at all.
Outside, the sun is shining, bathing the little garden in light. I try to smile because I've always enjoyed feeling of sunshine on my face, but the smile is half-hearted; it cracks, a fine line just on the corner of my mask, and then it breaks off completely. It feels strange, like I'm naked, but I doubt I could've pulled off a lie that well.
I fear a faint whirring noise to my side and turn to see the Chief crouched in front of a miniature bey dish, Dizzy spread on his lap. He says some things to the gadget but I can't hear. Whatever it is he's doing, it looks like something important, something that could take my mind off of things.
"Hi, Chief," I manage brightly. I have to cringe at my voice, it sounds so fake. Kenny doesn't notice the difference and spares me a brief glance.
"Hey, Rei."
"What've you been up to?" I ask; I feel like making conversation, simply for conversation sakes.
"Oh, this?" He questions, pointing to the array of scattered blade parts in front of him. "Dizzy and I have been trying to modify the defence gear to better suit different environments. I hypothesize that increasing the amount of lead in the metal of the gear will make is tougher and heavier. If the blade were heavier than it would be easier for it to stay in the dish and harder for it to leave it. Though I suppose –"
I don't really listen to him, though I get the gist of what he's trying to say. I don't mean to sound rude, but one tends to tune Kenny out after a while; he just rumbles about something or other in what seems like a different language. Sometimes I wonder whether there is a special dictionary made especially for computer guys like him.
"You're not listening to me Rei." His voice reaches me and I nod dazedly.
"See." He confirms with a little smirk. "You have no idea what I said."
So he's caught on; I feel almost bad but his grin takes care of it. "Sorry, Chief." I say apologetically.
"No biggie." He shrugs and types something into his computer. I notice that a little frown stretch his lips. After a while, he says, "You've been off lately."
I shrug and glance at the grass beneath my feet. I've been feeling so down lately, the greenness of the blades offsets my vision. Or so I'd like to think. Yeah, the colour is too bright so my eyes feel dry. I don't know if I believe myself.
"Is it about Kai?" Chief asks and I can hear worry and pity in his voice. I hate pity.
I shrug again. I think I'm afraid that if I open my mouth everything will come spewing out. I don't want to worry him – or the rest – with something so small.
"It is, isn't it?" It's not really a question, more like a confirmation of what was already known.
It is, I want to answer but I manage a nod instead. I run a hand over the grass, the blades tickle my palm where they touch. It's always about Kai, I think darkly. Everything I do always brings me to him, it seems as if I unwillingly gravitate toward him, no matter how far he pushes me away.
It's been nearly two weeks since the incident at the festival, and I still can't believe those words left my mouth. 'Can I kiss you?' I asked him, stupidly. Kami-sama, sometimes I wonder whether I have all my brains intact. For a while back there, lying on that hill, surrounded by the globe of the velvet night and tasting magic for the first time... I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted to see what it would feel like, I've wanting to do that for a long while now. I know it's stupid to think that way, to want something that simple, but my reason took a back seat then.
I remember feeling a nervous thrill run across my arms, my heart weighing down, and watching his profile lit by the stars. I don't think I had enough willpower to breathe then, but then I realized that Kai wasn't going to say anything. He mightn't have heard me at all, and that's what I prayed for. After a while, he looked at me as if for a first time in centuries or if just woken up. He didn't say anything, I didn't think I could either – my heart was jammed up my throat. We just left the festival and headed home, in silence.
That, I think, was more painful than anything else because I've been trying so hard to unsheathe him from that diamond-covered shell he hid himself in and he was reverting back to that state. I wanted for him to say something, I wanted to say something myself but couldn't because his face was hard and closed and I've learned not to corner him when he's like that. And so the silence stretched. I feel it still there, that awkward, pulsing something. We haven't talked at all since then, only occasional "morning" and "goodbye" between us.
It really stung. The ball in my chest tightens and I feel an impulse to grip at my heart. Instead, I seize a fistful of grass into my hand, digging my nails into my palm.
"You need to do something, Rei," I hear Chief say worriedly, "it's tearing you apart."
"What can I do?" I ask him. I know it's cruel of me to be asking something like that, but I feel the tension too strongly now.
"That's for you to figure out."
I nod, not really wanting to think much about his comment.
"I know it must be hard." He says, looking away.
Hard? I want to snarl. It hurts. I feel as if somebody – Kai, in this instance – had thrust their hand into my insides, twisted them and then pulled them out so they could dry of all their fluid and then stuck all the gooey mass back in. I feel... not whole, half-empty. It's especially difficult when I remember all those times when I thought the two of us were having fun. I remember how the corner of his mouth would twitch up just so, and it would be a cross between a smile and haughty smirk and then he'd extend his hand to me, palm up, because I stumbled and fell while window-shopping. I'd remember his warmth, too, and then I'd feel like crying. He really was warm, despite being a walking-talking icicle.
Sometimes in the bey stadium I'd find myself shifting toward him, because that's what I would usually do and old habits die hard, but he would spare a cold look at me and I would want to shrivel into my clothes. It pains me to know that he's avoiding me; we don't share a room any more, like we usually do and he never sees me outside of practice. And there are times when I catch him when he doesn't want to be caught. A couple of days ago, for instance, I caught him as he was leaving the shower. I couldn't breathe or think. And then he glared at me from beneath dripping blue locks; I'd never thought I'd see a real sex-god before he came along. It hurts me to know that I can't touch him like I want to.
"Hai." I say in reply.
"It's eating you alive, I can tell." Kenny says. "You haven't eaten a proper meal since this whole ordeal began. You've been so quiet and jumpy lately, and so very, very distant. I can't even tell if you'd explode the next moment or not."
"You don't understand Chief," I retort harshly and instantly regret it. "Friends do not have non-platonic feelings for their friends."
"Then what are Takao and Max?" He asks with a little smile. "I've seen them make googly eyes at each other thousands of times before. It's a wonder how the two of them remain so dense while the attraction is so obvious. Surely you don't suggest that their relationship is completely on friend-friend basis."
"I asked if I could kiss him, Chief," I say exasperatedly and tug at the rope of my hair.
I can feel more than see Kenny's brows rise up but his face remains neutral. "So?" He questions.
"So? Chief, this is Kai we're talking about, Iceman, the one and only Untouchable Boy," I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "How do you think he took it? He abhors any and all kinds of affection. And what is he bound to think if it came from his teammate? Heck, for all I know, he's a homophobe."
"No." I see the younger boy shake his head. "I don't think that's the case. If it was, I'd doubt either you or the two in the dojo would be a part of this team for this long. I think he just needs some time to clear his head."
The point could make sense, giving the unusual nature of my request. I snort anyway. If Kai needed some time to think, he had more than enough. I had more than enough. I don't think I can go on another day to see his back turned to me or the scorn in his eyes. Kami-sama, why does it have to hurt so much?
"Give him some freedom, Rei." The Chief says, laying a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You know how he takes to such things, he needs time to adjust. Kai's more moody than you are right now. Just... let him be for a while, and see how things go. If everything doesn't turn out the way you want it to, we can sic Takao on him."
I grin; Takao's been trying to get on Kai's case since forever now. "Sure, sure," I reply, not wanting to argue the point farther.
"Now go, your glumness disrupts my working aura." He says dismissively, waving a hand to shoo me.
"Hai, hai." A smile breaks loose for the first time today and suddenly the sun doesn't seem as dull anymore.
I wander to a little secluded area, where a lonesome bench stands by a bush of roses. I sit on it, not minding that I'd most likely have stains on my white robe. I pick a rose closest to me, careful not to prick myself on its thorn. I wonder for a moment how Takao's grandfather managed to grow some so late in the year. The little alcove is surrounded by cheery and apple trees. The leaves are withered, tinted orange and red. The roses, however, are in full bloom, lush and brilliant.
I smile ruefully at the rose in my hand. It's a beaming yellow with the edges tinged with soft pink. Red for love. Yellow for friendship. I find it somehow ironic how even the flowers are pointing toward this relationship between him and me. By the rate I'm going, I sincerely doubt there will be anything romantic in nature between the two of us.
I bring the bloom to my nose and take a whiff. It smells of nature and beauty and just a little bit of honey. I pluck a delicate petal, careful not to mar it. So small this little petal, so insignificant, I think, yet it could be so beautiful when joined with the others of its kind. I bring the little petal to my cheek, gently brushing it against my skin. It's very soft and silky; somehow, I always thought that Kai's lips would feel that way, too.
The knot twists again, painfully, and I accidentally let go of the petal. It falls to the ground, there to join others of its kind. I watch it amongst the grass and other leaves. It stands out, like a single beautiful star amongst a million others. I'm instantly remind of the story Kai told me before I... The ball tightens again, painful.
"Rei...?"
I hear my name whispered softly. I know it's him and I don't want to. He hadn't said my name for such a long time, I missed hearing it from his mouth; it sounds like a prayer, almost. My stomach is jittery, a maw-like hole. My throat is parched, and my legs feel like jell-o. I think I'm terrified. Kami-sama, I think, help me.
I lift my head to look at him.
He raises an inquisitive brow at the flower in my hands but doesn't question it. He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and gives me a hard look. "Do you still want to kiss me?" He asks coldly.
My throat refuses to work; all I can do is to look up at him and see myself mirrored in his eyes. I think I'm dying. I might already be dead.
I don't notice that the rose falls from my hands and onto the ground, where it breaks and the dozens of yellow petals spread sea-like.
I nod dumbly, all the while knowing that I probably have the dopiest grin on my face.
"Good," he says in his husky, sexy voice, "because I'm ready for that kiss now."
(tsuzuku...?)
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Interesting thing, this particular installation was based on a dream I recently had. I was Rei =D Though, unlike you, I got to see the full version *and* kiss Kai ^_____^ a *lot* (I never thought I'd see a more beautiful sight)
