For three students without any formal dance education, Harry, Ron and
Hermione did a mean tap number.
When they finished there they heard an amused chuckled and some lighthearted clapping. And it wasn't
Vomit, even though he was there too.
"Word!" cried the man in the corner of the room, "And like. bravo!" The man moved into the light.
He wore a tie dyed robe and little pink sun glasses, "Welcome to the early 70s, dude,"
"Professor Dumblewhore?" gasped Hermione. For this man was clearly their aging professor, only.
now he was young and attractive.
"Dumblewhore?" thought Vomit from underneath his Invisibility Cloak. "Perhaps I should remain unseen and watch events unfold."
"Word to your mothers!" cried Dumblewhore, "What's up da motherland?"
Ron shrugged. "We be chillin, son."
Dumblewhore nodded and blew a ring of smoke at them, "So.. Little dudes, what you be doing in
the 70s?" HE took another puff. "Cause I got a phone call from my future self and he was all like, Dude,
my bitches are coming to get some weed." Dumblewhore took a bag out of his pocket. "I thought I'd save
you the trouble. James gave me some of his stash."
"Um.. thanks a lot.but we're looking for a kind of weed?"
Dumblewhore looked interested. "There's more than one kind?"
Hermione took over. "We're looking for filhenkelo.the herb?"
Dumblewhore nodded. "Man, that stuff is the best." He gave an approving nod. "Molly got some last
night.. she went wild."
Ron looked scared. "My mum's name is Molly."
Dumblewhore snickered. "Dude, she must've had you when she was like, three."
".Or maybe not," Ron finished.
"Anyway, we need the herb!" cried Hermione, getting uncomfortable about the amount of drug content.
"Look, lady," said Dumblewhore, "You've got a problem there,"
"Why?"
'Well," said Dumblewhore inhaling, "The students have been snatching that shit up like crazy!"
"So, I'm sure we can get our hands on some,"
"No, dudes, look, that stuff comes from Africa!"
"The motherland?" asked Harry.
"Yea," said Dumblewhore, "And we smoked all the shit last night! So you're going to have to wait three days for the stuff,"
"No one has it?" asked Harry sadly, "Well. maybe that James kid. you dad!"
"My.. Pa?" asked Harry, feeling the tears coming to his eyes.
"Oh right, I was suppose to tell you some shit about that!" said Dumblewhore, "Rules I guess,"
"Like what?" asked Harry.
"You can't tell them who you are," said Dumblewhore.
"Well, sir, that's sort of a problem cause I look exactly like my daddy," said Harry.
"Well, your parents are coked up most of the time, I shouldn't be much of a problem to explain.
Anyway, don't do anything stupid that might mess up your chances of being born,"
"WORD!" said Harry.
"Wait!" cried Hermione, "Why don't we just go back in time to last night, get the weed and go home,"
"My future self told me you would do that. I'm not suppose to let you!" cried Dumblewhore, "Or
maybe I am.. I don't remember. I was kind of stoned."
"We should stick with your instincts then," purred Hermione.
"I guess we should. FREE LOVE!" Suddenly, the lights seemed to dim. A drop -dead gorgeous
redhead walked into the room.
Harry felt his jaw drop. He bent down and picked it up. "Who is that?" he whispered to
Dumblewhore.
"Yo momma," whispered Dumblewhore. He held up a hand. "Hey Lily! Get your white butt over here
and meet these three brothers from da future! No.not da future.from the da future of love!" he corrected
himself. Either because he was really stoned or cause she was used to him, Lily ignored him.
She wrapped Harry in a hug. "Hey James. Whatever you did to my neck last night.it was unbelievable."
"Um.you're my mom," said Harry as she planted a big smoochies on him.
She pinched his butt. "And you're my daddy." She waltzed out of the room, smiling flirtatiously at
Ron.
"Damn," thought Harry, rubbing his butt. "I."He suddenly looked up. "There's calm surrender, to the rush of day. When the heat of a rolling wind.can be turned away." He gazed longingly at the
door. "An enchanted moment and it sees me through. And it's enough for this," HE looked down.
"Restless warrior just to be with you!"
"And can you feel the love tonight," sang the gang. "It is where we are.it's enough for this wide
eyed wanderer that we got this far. And CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT, how it's laid to
rest. And it's enough to make.kings and vagabonds. Believe the very best!"
"Holy shit!" exclaimed Dumblewhore. "You just fell for yo momma!"
Harry smiled and raised his eyebrows. "I know." He turned to Ron. "Think she likes me?"
"She is totally into you, man. Totally." Ron punched Harry playfully.
"That's completely incestuous!" she groaned, "I intend to remain completely in character and level headed though out this whole-" A young Remus Lupin walked into the Potions room. "HELLO!" Hermione battered her eyelashes at him. He immediately got the picture.
Lupin walked over to her. "You know why you're a microwaves?" he whispered seductively in her ear.
"Why?" asked Hermione breathlessly.
"'Cause I put my hot dog in you."
"Excuse me," apologized Harry. HE turned and vomited on the floor. "That was the most revolting thing I've ever heard."
But Hermione and Lupin had already left. "Hey.isn't he a werewolf?"
"Yeah," admitted Harry.
"Isn't tonight a full moon?"
"I guess."
"That sucks for Hermy."
"Unless she's into kinky stuff," amended Harry.
"Well, now, dude, I suggest that we get you guys to class. Pretend your new students transferred from. I don't know.. The moon, okay? The whole school is coked up most of the time. I'm sure they wont even notice, anyway,"
"Alright," agreed Harry.
Dumblewhore clapped his hands. "Word. C'mon, let's go meet James and see if he's got any left."
They proceeded to exit the dark and dismal dungeon. "So.Harry.you look a shitload like yo daddy."
Harry nodded in a pimpish way. "I know."
"And yo momma likes yo."
"I know."
They proceeded to walk back up the stairs to the Great Hall, "Is James in Gryffindor?" asked Harry.
"Yup," said Dumblewhore, "Under his bed he has this great tunnel.. It leads to his great storage place and this gambling casino; it's called the Fondue Pot of Hell. It's a bar. Good times." Said Dumblewhore.
"And you permit this?" asked Harry.
"I started it," laughed Dumblewhore as they climbed the stairs and stopped in front of the picture of the fat lady wearing a. skimpy pink dress.
"Password?" she purred.
"Cocaine," Dumblewhore, as he pulled out a flask.
"Sure," said the fat lady. She took the flask. "Go on. In."
They walked into the common room and into a puff of smoke, "His dorm is up the stairs," leading them into the 6th year boys dorm.
"James!" hollered Dumblewhore opening the door, "My bitch!"
"Dumblewhore! My man!" smiled James Potter, "Come in dude, who you got with you?" And this was the first time Harry gazed at his father in the living flesh. He really was the spitting image of Harry. Half naked girls, one under each arm and one in front of him holding up with extra large pipe surrounded him.
"This is Ron and this is Harry, they are from the moon," said Dumblewhore.
"Really?" asked James, "I've head they got some good shit up there," he paused and looked at the supposed aliens, "Hey. this kid looks just like me!"
"Yea.. That's Harry, he's not your son,"
"That's good!" said James, "I don't remember having sex with an alien."
"Um. what about that time when we ate that macaroni-"
"No, she was Haitian." James waved his hand in dismissal. "So, what can I help you with?"
"I need some filhenkelo," explained Harry. James let out a low whistle.
"That stuff is in demand. It's a great drug. No side effects, no hangovers the next day.free love. And. I'm all out." James picked up a list. "I'm getting a shipment in three days from da motherland.can you meet me in the Fondue Pot then?"
"The Fondue Pot?" asked Harry.
"Underground Casino," said James, "You moon people are more then welcome to go check it out. Tunnels under my bed."
"Thanks man," said Harry gratefully, "I'll check it out right now,"
"Be my guest, we got a real hopping crowd tonight,"
Harry, Ron and Dumblewhore crawled under James' bed and to Harry's surprise he found a long dark tunnel, light by pink and green neon lights. He could hear the beat of the music from the club below.
"Go on man," said Dumblewhore, "It's good clean fun,"
"Alright," said Harry, stepping down into the tunnel. The three of them jogged down the tunnel, getting closer and closer to the throbbing music. Suddenly, the tunnel stopped and there was a beaded curtain, "Boys," said Dumblewhore proudly, "Welcome to Hogwarts proudest establish. the Fondue Pot of Hell,"
Harry looked up and saw the beautiful redhead on a swing suspended in midair.
"The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives (sung) And gives expensive jewels!" Lily began swinging around on her swing as Harry looked on in amazement. 'A kiss the hand may be quite continental-" "But diamonds are a girls best friend" chanted all the girls.
"A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat or help you feed your-pussycat."
She hopped off the swing into the mosh pit. "Men grow cold as girls grow old And we all lose our charms in the end. But square cut or pear shaped these rocks don't lose their shape!
Diamonds are a girl's best friend! I've heard of affairs that are strictly plutonic!"
"But diamonds are a girl's best friend"
Suddenly, Hermione appeared on another swing. "And I think it is a pear that you might keep Masonic if little cats get big baguettes. Time rolls on and mute is gone and you can't straighten up when you bend.
"But stiff back or stiff means, you can't stand to kiss me Diamonds are a girl's best friend!!" sang Hermione and Lily together.
Harry nodded. "So this is what the seventies were all about."
Suddenly, a thought struck Ron. "Ouch!" he gasped.
"What?" asked Harry, not taking his eyes off his mom's cleavage.
"A thought struck me."
"Mm?"
"How did Lupin know what a microwave was? They haven't been invented yet."
Harry pondered."But.how could he?"
"You know what this means," added Ron.
"CLIFFHANGER!" they shouted joyously.
When they finished there they heard an amused chuckled and some lighthearted clapping. And it wasn't
Vomit, even though he was there too.
"Word!" cried the man in the corner of the room, "And like. bravo!" The man moved into the light.
He wore a tie dyed robe and little pink sun glasses, "Welcome to the early 70s, dude,"
"Professor Dumblewhore?" gasped Hermione. For this man was clearly their aging professor, only.
now he was young and attractive.
"Dumblewhore?" thought Vomit from underneath his Invisibility Cloak. "Perhaps I should remain unseen and watch events unfold."
"Word to your mothers!" cried Dumblewhore, "What's up da motherland?"
Ron shrugged. "We be chillin, son."
Dumblewhore nodded and blew a ring of smoke at them, "So.. Little dudes, what you be doing in
the 70s?" HE took another puff. "Cause I got a phone call from my future self and he was all like, Dude,
my bitches are coming to get some weed." Dumblewhore took a bag out of his pocket. "I thought I'd save
you the trouble. James gave me some of his stash."
"Um.. thanks a lot.but we're looking for a kind of weed?"
Dumblewhore looked interested. "There's more than one kind?"
Hermione took over. "We're looking for filhenkelo.the herb?"
Dumblewhore nodded. "Man, that stuff is the best." He gave an approving nod. "Molly got some last
night.. she went wild."
Ron looked scared. "My mum's name is Molly."
Dumblewhore snickered. "Dude, she must've had you when she was like, three."
".Or maybe not," Ron finished.
"Anyway, we need the herb!" cried Hermione, getting uncomfortable about the amount of drug content.
"Look, lady," said Dumblewhore, "You've got a problem there,"
"Why?"
'Well," said Dumblewhore inhaling, "The students have been snatching that shit up like crazy!"
"So, I'm sure we can get our hands on some,"
"No, dudes, look, that stuff comes from Africa!"
"The motherland?" asked Harry.
"Yea," said Dumblewhore, "And we smoked all the shit last night! So you're going to have to wait three days for the stuff,"
"No one has it?" asked Harry sadly, "Well. maybe that James kid. you dad!"
"My.. Pa?" asked Harry, feeling the tears coming to his eyes.
"Oh right, I was suppose to tell you some shit about that!" said Dumblewhore, "Rules I guess,"
"Like what?" asked Harry.
"You can't tell them who you are," said Dumblewhore.
"Well, sir, that's sort of a problem cause I look exactly like my daddy," said Harry.
"Well, your parents are coked up most of the time, I shouldn't be much of a problem to explain.
Anyway, don't do anything stupid that might mess up your chances of being born,"
"WORD!" said Harry.
"Wait!" cried Hermione, "Why don't we just go back in time to last night, get the weed and go home,"
"My future self told me you would do that. I'm not suppose to let you!" cried Dumblewhore, "Or
maybe I am.. I don't remember. I was kind of stoned."
"We should stick with your instincts then," purred Hermione.
"I guess we should. FREE LOVE!" Suddenly, the lights seemed to dim. A drop -dead gorgeous
redhead walked into the room.
Harry felt his jaw drop. He bent down and picked it up. "Who is that?" he whispered to
Dumblewhore.
"Yo momma," whispered Dumblewhore. He held up a hand. "Hey Lily! Get your white butt over here
and meet these three brothers from da future! No.not da future.from the da future of love!" he corrected
himself. Either because he was really stoned or cause she was used to him, Lily ignored him.
She wrapped Harry in a hug. "Hey James. Whatever you did to my neck last night.it was unbelievable."
"Um.you're my mom," said Harry as she planted a big smoochies on him.
She pinched his butt. "And you're my daddy." She waltzed out of the room, smiling flirtatiously at
Ron.
"Damn," thought Harry, rubbing his butt. "I."He suddenly looked up. "There's calm surrender, to the rush of day. When the heat of a rolling wind.can be turned away." He gazed longingly at the
door. "An enchanted moment and it sees me through. And it's enough for this," HE looked down.
"Restless warrior just to be with you!"
"And can you feel the love tonight," sang the gang. "It is where we are.it's enough for this wide
eyed wanderer that we got this far. And CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT, how it's laid to
rest. And it's enough to make.kings and vagabonds. Believe the very best!"
"Holy shit!" exclaimed Dumblewhore. "You just fell for yo momma!"
Harry smiled and raised his eyebrows. "I know." He turned to Ron. "Think she likes me?"
"She is totally into you, man. Totally." Ron punched Harry playfully.
"That's completely incestuous!" she groaned, "I intend to remain completely in character and level headed though out this whole-" A young Remus Lupin walked into the Potions room. "HELLO!" Hermione battered her eyelashes at him. He immediately got the picture.
Lupin walked over to her. "You know why you're a microwaves?" he whispered seductively in her ear.
"Why?" asked Hermione breathlessly.
"'Cause I put my hot dog in you."
"Excuse me," apologized Harry. HE turned and vomited on the floor. "That was the most revolting thing I've ever heard."
But Hermione and Lupin had already left. "Hey.isn't he a werewolf?"
"Yeah," admitted Harry.
"Isn't tonight a full moon?"
"I guess."
"That sucks for Hermy."
"Unless she's into kinky stuff," amended Harry.
"Well, now, dude, I suggest that we get you guys to class. Pretend your new students transferred from. I don't know.. The moon, okay? The whole school is coked up most of the time. I'm sure they wont even notice, anyway,"
"Alright," agreed Harry.
Dumblewhore clapped his hands. "Word. C'mon, let's go meet James and see if he's got any left."
They proceeded to exit the dark and dismal dungeon. "So.Harry.you look a shitload like yo daddy."
Harry nodded in a pimpish way. "I know."
"And yo momma likes yo."
"I know."
They proceeded to walk back up the stairs to the Great Hall, "Is James in Gryffindor?" asked Harry.
"Yup," said Dumblewhore, "Under his bed he has this great tunnel.. It leads to his great storage place and this gambling casino; it's called the Fondue Pot of Hell. It's a bar. Good times." Said Dumblewhore.
"And you permit this?" asked Harry.
"I started it," laughed Dumblewhore as they climbed the stairs and stopped in front of the picture of the fat lady wearing a. skimpy pink dress.
"Password?" she purred.
"Cocaine," Dumblewhore, as he pulled out a flask.
"Sure," said the fat lady. She took the flask. "Go on. In."
They walked into the common room and into a puff of smoke, "His dorm is up the stairs," leading them into the 6th year boys dorm.
"James!" hollered Dumblewhore opening the door, "My bitch!"
"Dumblewhore! My man!" smiled James Potter, "Come in dude, who you got with you?" And this was the first time Harry gazed at his father in the living flesh. He really was the spitting image of Harry. Half naked girls, one under each arm and one in front of him holding up with extra large pipe surrounded him.
"This is Ron and this is Harry, they are from the moon," said Dumblewhore.
"Really?" asked James, "I've head they got some good shit up there," he paused and looked at the supposed aliens, "Hey. this kid looks just like me!"
"Yea.. That's Harry, he's not your son,"
"That's good!" said James, "I don't remember having sex with an alien."
"Um. what about that time when we ate that macaroni-"
"No, she was Haitian." James waved his hand in dismissal. "So, what can I help you with?"
"I need some filhenkelo," explained Harry. James let out a low whistle.
"That stuff is in demand. It's a great drug. No side effects, no hangovers the next day.free love. And. I'm all out." James picked up a list. "I'm getting a shipment in three days from da motherland.can you meet me in the Fondue Pot then?"
"The Fondue Pot?" asked Harry.
"Underground Casino," said James, "You moon people are more then welcome to go check it out. Tunnels under my bed."
"Thanks man," said Harry gratefully, "I'll check it out right now,"
"Be my guest, we got a real hopping crowd tonight,"
Harry, Ron and Dumblewhore crawled under James' bed and to Harry's surprise he found a long dark tunnel, light by pink and green neon lights. He could hear the beat of the music from the club below.
"Go on man," said Dumblewhore, "It's good clean fun,"
"Alright," said Harry, stepping down into the tunnel. The three of them jogged down the tunnel, getting closer and closer to the throbbing music. Suddenly, the tunnel stopped and there was a beaded curtain, "Boys," said Dumblewhore proudly, "Welcome to Hogwarts proudest establish. the Fondue Pot of Hell,"
Harry looked up and saw the beautiful redhead on a swing suspended in midair.
"The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives (sung) And gives expensive jewels!" Lily began swinging around on her swing as Harry looked on in amazement. 'A kiss the hand may be quite continental-" "But diamonds are a girls best friend" chanted all the girls.
"A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat or help you feed your-pussycat."
She hopped off the swing into the mosh pit. "Men grow cold as girls grow old And we all lose our charms in the end. But square cut or pear shaped these rocks don't lose their shape!
Diamonds are a girl's best friend! I've heard of affairs that are strictly plutonic!"
"But diamonds are a girl's best friend"
Suddenly, Hermione appeared on another swing. "And I think it is a pear that you might keep Masonic if little cats get big baguettes. Time rolls on and mute is gone and you can't straighten up when you bend.
"But stiff back or stiff means, you can't stand to kiss me Diamonds are a girl's best friend!!" sang Hermione and Lily together.
Harry nodded. "So this is what the seventies were all about."
Suddenly, a thought struck Ron. "Ouch!" he gasped.
"What?" asked Harry, not taking his eyes off his mom's cleavage.
"A thought struck me."
"Mm?"
"How did Lupin know what a microwave was? They haven't been invented yet."
Harry pondered."But.how could he?"
"You know what this means," added Ron.
"CLIFFHANGER!" they shouted joyously.
