(A/N- Buenos dias! Sorry for the long delay. We wrote this chapter like
40000000000000000 years ago and forgot about it..and Echidne just found it.
And she edited parts of it. But she's pretty damn lazy so pardon the
English please.)
Harry looked at his sexual mother slip from her swing.
"Dude," said Ron, "That's wickety whacked!"
"I want to make love to her like a crazy weasel," groaned Harry.
"Excuse me! Dude, that's nasty!" cried Ron, "Remember what Dumblewhore told us, 'Don't interfere with the past people,' Right?"
"But, but." sobbed Harry.
"Harry." said Ron seriously.
"NO! I want my whoreish mother!"
"I think sleeping with your mother would most surely effect the outcome of the foreclosure of the eel shortage."
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Ron said. "I had a flashback to Vietnam. Take cover boys! Charlies are coming in fast! ARHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH!!!!!" He collapsed on the ground and started twitching.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyway, I'm hungry" Harry complained. "And there's NO FOOD ANYWHERE! It's as if a giant famine has come across the land. John, you look sumptuous tonight, have I mentioned?"
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense."
Harry blinked. "Didn't you just say that? Anyway, would you mind if I cut off your arm and roasted it on a fire?"
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense. Well, it does, I guess, but. NO! YOU ARGHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!? AHHH GETITOFF GETHIMOFF!!! HE'S PYSCHOTIC!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.gurgle"
"Mmm." Harry smacked his lips as he held the arm over a flame springing from his wand. A little bit of blood splattered on John's dead body, and Harry was vexed that some of the delicious life--giving liquid was lost. "I'm terribly vexed," Harry said to no one in particular.
He nudged Ron's twitching body. "Hey Ron, you want some of this?"
"DAMN NAZIS!!!!!!" Ron jumped up and started attacking the wall.
"Umm.. Yeah. Mmmm. it's almost done. The sweet, sweet nectar of the body's juices slowly roasting into the muscle of young John. Mmmmmmmm."
Then a giant tortoise with 4 elephants on its back came and bit off his head.
"Anyway," said Ron, "I think sleeping with your mother would most surely effect the outcome of the future,"
"Really," said Harry, quite unmoved by this whole episode. He pondered this. "Maybe. Hey, could I get my mother pregnant with myself?"
"I don't know," said Ron in astonishment. "I don't believe anyone has ever tried it."
Lily walked in suddenly. She ran her hands down Harry's back. "Hey James," she whispered seductively. "Girls dorm, my room, ten minutes?"
"Oooooo.Harry's getting laid tonight!" sang Ron.
Harry smiled. Who cares if it's my mom? She's a hot piece of ass, he thought. He didn't even realize she still thought he was his daddy.
**************************************************************
Ten Minutes Later..
"James!!! James!!!" Lily screamed.
"Mommy! Mommy!" Harry panted collapsing in a heap on the bed.
"Well now," said Lily, "That was.. fun,"
"Indeed," said the confused boy, putting his head on his mother's dirty pillows, he felt a song coming on.
"I feel a song coming on!" he whispered into his mother's ear, ".. No, never mind,"
Lord Vomit watched the couple from the shadows. The hot naked sex was.. Stimulating? Indeed. But, then, after a moment of reflecting, he paused. It was sickening. Mothers and sons...
"Icky," Lord Vomit spat on the floor, "My.. My little boy.he's all grown up. All grown up and having.. erotic pastimes. Not long now my Harry. Not long before I take you to the... Dark side?" He let out a loud evil laugh.
"What was that?" asked Lily, peering in the shadows, "I heard evil laughter in the darkness, James,"
"What?" asked Harry.
"I said " I heard evil laughter in the darkness, James,'" repeated Lily.
"No, I heard you the first time," said Harry, "I was just saying what, like. what is it? or... oh whatever, Lily,"
"Don't you worry your shaggy little, unbrushed head, James." She grinned broadly, "I'm a happy whore,"
"I like happy whores," said Harry in a most indecent nature.
"Oh James," giggled Lily.
"What?" asked an angry voice from the doorway.
"Oh shit," cursed Harry softly. James was back.
"Is that you, moon man?" hollered James, "What are you doing with my Lily?"
"Um... helping her?" said Harry.
James' anger began to melt away, "Ah, what the fuck," he said, "I'm high.. You're high, she's high... mange et trios!" cried James, stripping off his white shirt.
'Oh, what well defined muscles, my father has,' thought Harry, 'Shit, did I actually think that?'
'You did,' thought a little voice in his head, 'and by the way, he's not your father, you are your father,'
'No.. James is my daddy,'
'Nope, you got your mother pregnant with yourself not but a few seconds ago,'
'..,'
'Harry?'
'That's not fucking possible,'
"Harry," called James, "You want a round,"
"No," he called, "I think I'm going to go throw up,"
"Go ahead," chuckled James, "But come back, I'll be getting out the whips and chains soon,"
Harry was already half way down the hall. He puked.
"Ron!" Harry shrieked, "HERMY!!!!!" he screamed in his VERY British voice, "MOON PEOPLE!!!!"
"Where are my friends?" he screamed, "To Dumblewhore's office," he screamed racing down the hall.
"Not so fast, Potter," sneered a voice. It was Remus Lupin in his youth.
"Oh, hey Moony," said Harry, "Where are my friends?" And how the hell do you know about microwaves,
"They are.. Busy at the moment," said Moony in a seemingly lighthearted way.
"Oh," said Harry.
"You, ah, want an orange?" he asked, producing a ripe fruit from his side bag.
"Nay, don't want an orange grove growing in my uterus,"
"You have a uterus?" asked Remus.
"Err.. No. Wait..why aren't you, you know.. you're not. stoned? Like the rest of them?"
"No," said Remus sadly, "I can just smoke and smoke and smoke and. ," he looked sadly at Harry, "And no high,"
"Why?"
Remus shrugged, "I don't know,"
"Some might call that a talent," said Harry, still apprehensive about the youth.
"Perhaps," said Moony moodily, "I still want the high,"
"We all do," sighed Harry. There went his brilliant plan of getting Remus so high that he would just tell Harry why he knew about Microwaves and.., "So why are my friends busy?"
". They just are," said Remus with a coy smile.
"No!" screamed Harry, grabbing Remus and pushing him into a choke slam, "Where the hell are my friends?"
"Making sweet love on the dunes of the cape!" screamed Remus, "Sorry, buddy,"
"Making.. sweet love?" asked Harry letting go of Remus, "With.. Each other?"
"Yes." said Remus, "I'm leaving now,"
"Very well Remus Lupin," said Harry to Mooney's retreating back, "I still have a few questions, firstly; why you know about microwaves, second: why do you know about Hermy and Ron's sex life and third," something dawned on Harry, "How did he know my last name? No one knows my last name!"
"Dude," called Remus, "You think I can't hear you thinking out loud?"
"Well I."
"How about I explain."
Lord Vomit watched from behind the curtains. "This would be so much easier if I had one of those Invisibility things.. blast."
"First, I know about microwaves because they were invented three years ago," sneered Remus, "Genius," he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "Second, I accidentally stumbled upon your friends making love and I know your last name because Heromine told me,"
Harry gaped like a fish. Like a wide gaping vagina, "Ha," said Remus proudly, "So there,"
"Oh," said Harry feeling stupid, "Listen Remus," he said, thinking he should recall the plot, "Um.do you by any chance remember what happened last chapter? For some reason.. I don't remember anything."
"Um.I had sex with Hermione."
"That's between you and your God, Remus. Not me."
"Oh..um, I said the word "microwave" and you got all feisty and it was a cliff hanger."
"Oh, right. But you just told me that microwaves have already been invented."
"Yes, indeed."
"So there is no cliffhanger."
"Yes there is."
"Really? What?" asked Harry as Remus took out a machine gun and pointed it at him.
"You're an annoying character," said Remus, "You slept with Hermy, you slept with Dumby, You slept with your mother.and now,"
Remus broke down crying.
"There, there," soothed Harry, "Its alright," he tried to fight the gun out of Remus' hands, "But.. Please.. Give me the.,"
"Dude.. Your sisters hot," confessed Remus. Harry was a bit puzzled.he had no sister.
"Dude, that's not cool," he said. The universal response when someone was trying to hit on your sister.
"You wanna see my dads gun?" asked Remus with a deranged smile.
Harry nodded in confusion. Suddenly, an old proverb of Arthur Weasley's sprung to his head. "Never trust anything if you can't see where it keeps it's brain," Arthur had cautioned. Harry eyed Remus critically. Well, he had a head and it appeared that there was a brain in there.
Harry made a decision and nodded again to Remus.
"Cool. Is it loaded?" asked Harry.
Remus took a long drag of his pipe. Harry smelt the smelly smell of Filhankello waveringin the air around there heads. His thoughts swam. Why did Remus have the herb they were told was not to be found?
"No its-," he tripped the trigger of the gun.
Harry fell on to the floor in a bloody puddle. He felt a song coming on. He opened his mouth and blood gargled.
"Shit," said Remus staring at the gun in his hands.
Filhenkello-- Harmless?
"DAMN YOU!" screamed Lord Vomit as he sprung out his hiding spot. "This child was our last hope!"
"No.." sad Remus, with a faraway glint in his eye. "There is another."
"Really?" asked Lord Vomit. "Cause I'm pretty damn sure.there's NOT!"
"No, you're right," said Remus. "There's not. Just got caught up in the moment."
"Wait a moment," exclaimed Lord Vomit, taking his wand out of his long, flowing robes. "I can sew up his head! And then he'll be alive and shit!"
"Bippity...boppity..BOO!" chanted the evil mastermind.
Harry blinked and sat up.
"You are a fucking genius, man," said Remus to Lord Vomit. "Fricking brilliant."
Harry looked at his sexual mother slip from her swing.
"Dude," said Ron, "That's wickety whacked!"
"I want to make love to her like a crazy weasel," groaned Harry.
"Excuse me! Dude, that's nasty!" cried Ron, "Remember what Dumblewhore told us, 'Don't interfere with the past people,' Right?"
"But, but." sobbed Harry.
"Harry." said Ron seriously.
"NO! I want my whoreish mother!"
"I think sleeping with your mother would most surely effect the outcome of the foreclosure of the eel shortage."
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Ron said. "I had a flashback to Vietnam. Take cover boys! Charlies are coming in fast! ARHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH!!!!!" He collapsed on the ground and started twitching.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyway, I'm hungry" Harry complained. "And there's NO FOOD ANYWHERE! It's as if a giant famine has come across the land. John, you look sumptuous tonight, have I mentioned?"
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense."
Harry blinked. "Didn't you just say that? Anyway, would you mind if I cut off your arm and roasted it on a fire?"
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense. Well, it does, I guess, but. NO! YOU ARGHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!? AHHH GETITOFF GETHIMOFF!!! HE'S PYSCHOTIC!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.gurgle"
"Mmm." Harry smacked his lips as he held the arm over a flame springing from his wand. A little bit of blood splattered on John's dead body, and Harry was vexed that some of the delicious life--giving liquid was lost. "I'm terribly vexed," Harry said to no one in particular.
He nudged Ron's twitching body. "Hey Ron, you want some of this?"
"DAMN NAZIS!!!!!!" Ron jumped up and started attacking the wall.
"Umm.. Yeah. Mmmm. it's almost done. The sweet, sweet nectar of the body's juices slowly roasting into the muscle of young John. Mmmmmmmm."
Then a giant tortoise with 4 elephants on its back came and bit off his head.
"Anyway," said Ron, "I think sleeping with your mother would most surely effect the outcome of the future,"
"Really," said Harry, quite unmoved by this whole episode. He pondered this. "Maybe. Hey, could I get my mother pregnant with myself?"
"I don't know," said Ron in astonishment. "I don't believe anyone has ever tried it."
Lily walked in suddenly. She ran her hands down Harry's back. "Hey James," she whispered seductively. "Girls dorm, my room, ten minutes?"
"Oooooo.Harry's getting laid tonight!" sang Ron.
Harry smiled. Who cares if it's my mom? She's a hot piece of ass, he thought. He didn't even realize she still thought he was his daddy.
**************************************************************
Ten Minutes Later..
"James!!! James!!!" Lily screamed.
"Mommy! Mommy!" Harry panted collapsing in a heap on the bed.
"Well now," said Lily, "That was.. fun,"
"Indeed," said the confused boy, putting his head on his mother's dirty pillows, he felt a song coming on.
"I feel a song coming on!" he whispered into his mother's ear, ".. No, never mind,"
Lord Vomit watched the couple from the shadows. The hot naked sex was.. Stimulating? Indeed. But, then, after a moment of reflecting, he paused. It was sickening. Mothers and sons...
"Icky," Lord Vomit spat on the floor, "My.. My little boy.he's all grown up. All grown up and having.. erotic pastimes. Not long now my Harry. Not long before I take you to the... Dark side?" He let out a loud evil laugh.
"What was that?" asked Lily, peering in the shadows, "I heard evil laughter in the darkness, James,"
"What?" asked Harry.
"I said " I heard evil laughter in the darkness, James,'" repeated Lily.
"No, I heard you the first time," said Harry, "I was just saying what, like. what is it? or... oh whatever, Lily,"
"Don't you worry your shaggy little, unbrushed head, James." She grinned broadly, "I'm a happy whore,"
"I like happy whores," said Harry in a most indecent nature.
"Oh James," giggled Lily.
"What?" asked an angry voice from the doorway.
"Oh shit," cursed Harry softly. James was back.
"Is that you, moon man?" hollered James, "What are you doing with my Lily?"
"Um... helping her?" said Harry.
James' anger began to melt away, "Ah, what the fuck," he said, "I'm high.. You're high, she's high... mange et trios!" cried James, stripping off his white shirt.
'Oh, what well defined muscles, my father has,' thought Harry, 'Shit, did I actually think that?'
'You did,' thought a little voice in his head, 'and by the way, he's not your father, you are your father,'
'No.. James is my daddy,'
'Nope, you got your mother pregnant with yourself not but a few seconds ago,'
'..,'
'Harry?'
'That's not fucking possible,'
"Harry," called James, "You want a round,"
"No," he called, "I think I'm going to go throw up,"
"Go ahead," chuckled James, "But come back, I'll be getting out the whips and chains soon,"
Harry was already half way down the hall. He puked.
"Ron!" Harry shrieked, "HERMY!!!!!" he screamed in his VERY British voice, "MOON PEOPLE!!!!"
"Where are my friends?" he screamed, "To Dumblewhore's office," he screamed racing down the hall.
"Not so fast, Potter," sneered a voice. It was Remus Lupin in his youth.
"Oh, hey Moony," said Harry, "Where are my friends?" And how the hell do you know about microwaves,
"They are.. Busy at the moment," said Moony in a seemingly lighthearted way.
"Oh," said Harry.
"You, ah, want an orange?" he asked, producing a ripe fruit from his side bag.
"Nay, don't want an orange grove growing in my uterus,"
"You have a uterus?" asked Remus.
"Err.. No. Wait..why aren't you, you know.. you're not. stoned? Like the rest of them?"
"No," said Remus sadly, "I can just smoke and smoke and smoke and. ," he looked sadly at Harry, "And no high,"
"Why?"
Remus shrugged, "I don't know,"
"Some might call that a talent," said Harry, still apprehensive about the youth.
"Perhaps," said Moony moodily, "I still want the high,"
"We all do," sighed Harry. There went his brilliant plan of getting Remus so high that he would just tell Harry why he knew about Microwaves and.., "So why are my friends busy?"
". They just are," said Remus with a coy smile.
"No!" screamed Harry, grabbing Remus and pushing him into a choke slam, "Where the hell are my friends?"
"Making sweet love on the dunes of the cape!" screamed Remus, "Sorry, buddy,"
"Making.. sweet love?" asked Harry letting go of Remus, "With.. Each other?"
"Yes." said Remus, "I'm leaving now,"
"Very well Remus Lupin," said Harry to Mooney's retreating back, "I still have a few questions, firstly; why you know about microwaves, second: why do you know about Hermy and Ron's sex life and third," something dawned on Harry, "How did he know my last name? No one knows my last name!"
"Dude," called Remus, "You think I can't hear you thinking out loud?"
"Well I."
"How about I explain."
Lord Vomit watched from behind the curtains. "This would be so much easier if I had one of those Invisibility things.. blast."
"First, I know about microwaves because they were invented three years ago," sneered Remus, "Genius," he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "Second, I accidentally stumbled upon your friends making love and I know your last name because Heromine told me,"
Harry gaped like a fish. Like a wide gaping vagina, "Ha," said Remus proudly, "So there,"
"Oh," said Harry feeling stupid, "Listen Remus," he said, thinking he should recall the plot, "Um.do you by any chance remember what happened last chapter? For some reason.. I don't remember anything."
"Um.I had sex with Hermione."
"That's between you and your God, Remus. Not me."
"Oh..um, I said the word "microwave" and you got all feisty and it was a cliff hanger."
"Oh, right. But you just told me that microwaves have already been invented."
"Yes, indeed."
"So there is no cliffhanger."
"Yes there is."
"Really? What?" asked Harry as Remus took out a machine gun and pointed it at him.
"You're an annoying character," said Remus, "You slept with Hermy, you slept with Dumby, You slept with your mother.and now,"
Remus broke down crying.
"There, there," soothed Harry, "Its alright," he tried to fight the gun out of Remus' hands, "But.. Please.. Give me the.,"
"Dude.. Your sisters hot," confessed Remus. Harry was a bit puzzled.he had no sister.
"Dude, that's not cool," he said. The universal response when someone was trying to hit on your sister.
"You wanna see my dads gun?" asked Remus with a deranged smile.
Harry nodded in confusion. Suddenly, an old proverb of Arthur Weasley's sprung to his head. "Never trust anything if you can't see where it keeps it's brain," Arthur had cautioned. Harry eyed Remus critically. Well, he had a head and it appeared that there was a brain in there.
Harry made a decision and nodded again to Remus.
"Cool. Is it loaded?" asked Harry.
Remus took a long drag of his pipe. Harry smelt the smelly smell of Filhankello waveringin the air around there heads. His thoughts swam. Why did Remus have the herb they were told was not to be found?
"No its-," he tripped the trigger of the gun.
Harry fell on to the floor in a bloody puddle. He felt a song coming on. He opened his mouth and blood gargled.
"Shit," said Remus staring at the gun in his hands.
Filhenkello-- Harmless?
"DAMN YOU!" screamed Lord Vomit as he sprung out his hiding spot. "This child was our last hope!"
"No.." sad Remus, with a faraway glint in his eye. "There is another."
"Really?" asked Lord Vomit. "Cause I'm pretty damn sure.there's NOT!"
"No, you're right," said Remus. "There's not. Just got caught up in the moment."
"Wait a moment," exclaimed Lord Vomit, taking his wand out of his long, flowing robes. "I can sew up his head! And then he'll be alive and shit!"
"Bippity...boppity..BOO!" chanted the evil mastermind.
Harry blinked and sat up.
"You are a fucking genius, man," said Remus to Lord Vomit. "Fricking brilliant."
