Chapter 5
Faith turned and bolted out of the church. She ran past Buffy and headed down the street. Buffy gave chase, calling the other Slayer's name out. She lost the brunette Slayer somewhere in Docktown. Reaching out with her senses, Buffy felt for Faith. She followed the connection and found Faith sitting on the beach near the rolling surf. Buffy walked up to her slowly.
Without looking up at Buffy, Faith said, "I've always been the jealous type and look what it's done."
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked, sitting down next to Faith.
"I've always been jealous of you. Of what you had and I didn't."
"Faith..?"
"He did it for me. He did it so I could be more like big sister Buffy."
"Faith, what did he do?"
"He, uh, he talked about a spark. That Angel should have warned him that it would burn. He said that it was what I wanted and deserved: to be more like you."
"Spark? I don't.." Faith turned to look at Buffy and the blonde stopped talking. Faith's eyes were red and wet. Tears feel freely down her face as the two Slayers stared at each other. Then it hit Buffy. The spark Faith was talking about. "His soul."
"How can a person love someone so much that they would put themselves through that kind of torment? He didn't need one. I was fine without one."
"You've always had a conscience. You just chose to ignore it. Spike, Angel, they didn't get choices. Their souls were taken from them."
"I meant him. I was fine with him without a soul."
"No, you didn't. There was more to that statement. I just answered the question behind it."
"Why aren't I like him Buffy?"
"Like Spike?"
"He's crazy because of it. I've lost him because of my jealousy."
"Why aren't you crazy?" Faith nodded. "Your soul was never lost and it was always there. But you're strong. You bounced back."
"Why can't Spike?"
"I don't know."
"Why isn't Angel crazy? He was never crazy."
"That's not true." Faith turned to look at Buffy and Buffy looked out over the darkened ocean. "He was. Before he met me. He couldn't take the pain that his soul caused him. He lived on the streets like a beggar, feeding off rats. People would cross the street to get away from him. After Darla shunned him for the second time, he became a real recluse. He stopped caring."
Faith was silent. They stared out over the ocean and listened to the waves crash against the docks. The wind blew gently, picking up Buffy and Faith's hair and whipping it lightly around. A dog barked a few blocks away and the tinkle of glasses and drunken sailors singing off key floated to the Slayers from the Fishtank. Minutes past by as the women sat there, thinking of the men they loved.
"I've never felt this way before." Faith said.
"Like what?" Buffy asked.
"Like I belong."
"You've always belonged. And just like the conscience, you chose to ignore it. We were always there with open arms Faith. All you had to do was tell us you wanted in."
"I'm not just talking about that."
"You're talking about love. I know. I caught that."
"Is that what that hole is that's been ripping at my heart lately?"
"It's not always like that."
"Pft!"
"It'll get better eventually. Time is all it takes Faith. I know it hurts now; I've been there. I've been there a lot. Not just with Angel. With Conner, when he was taken from me, I was devastated. I didn't think I would ever pull through that. I watched him get kidnapped. I handed my own son over to an unknown enemy. A hole was ripped in my heart and I covered it with hatred and rage at the people who had orchestrated my son's kidnapping. It wasn't really closed though. After Conner came back to us, it was still pretty large. Time has helped me. And my family."
"I don't have one of those."
"You do. We may not be blood relatives, but it's not the blood that counts in those bonds. Family is who the heart feels most comfortable with. Family is people who are always there for you through thick and thin. And you have quite a large family Faith. I'm proud to have you in my family."
"After all I've done?"
"Ah, I'll get over it eventually. For now, I just want you to calm down and realize that you do have people that are here for you."
"I don't feel like I do."
"I didn't either. Not after I had come back, anyway. For a while, I resented my friends for pulling me away from my peace. My heaven. Spike was the only one who was there who understood. I'm grateful for him being there, but then there was Angel. The one person who could fully understand what I was going through. I remember those four days I spent with him at that place between here and LA. Those were the first days when I felt wonderful. When I felt happy. That was the beginning of the rebuilding of my family."
"I don't have that."
"You do. Faith, when you first came to Sunnydale, you had me and mom and Dawn. Dawn looked up to you more than she did me."
"That's not true."
"It is. And you also had Willow and Xander and Giles. Angel was there for you too. You just never noticed. I promised myself that I would never give up on you. As long as it took, I would help you. And I still haven't given up on you. How many people have ever done that for you?"
"One."
"Who?"
"Angel."
"There you go, a part of your large family. And now that he and I are married, you're in a lot of trouble."
Faith chuckled and Buffy smiled at her. But the laugh didn't last. It turned into quiet sobs. Faith was finally breaking down and Buffy was there to help her. Buffy opened her arms and Faith's head fell on Buffy's shoulder. She sobbed onto the other Slayer's shoulder and Buffy let her. She stroked Faith's hair and told her that everything would work out for them all.
Angel sat in the couch in the living room waiting for Buffy. Conner and Dawn had been asleep in their rooms going on three hours. Buffy wasn't home yet and Angel was starting to realize what Joyce Summers had felt like all those nights after she had found out Buffy was the Slayer. He sighed and looked back down at the book he was trying to read. He had been on the same page for the past hour or so. Exasperated, he tossed the book on the coffee table and got up, heading for the kitchen.
Angel walked around the kitchen, trying to busy himself by cleaning things that didn't need to cleaned. He checked the message machine, but nothing blinked. The phone hadn't even rang, so how could there have been a message from Buffy he didn't know about? Suddenly it hit him. Buffy had her cell phone. Picking up the phone, he quickly dialed her number. It rang and rang until finally someone picked it up.
"Hello?" Xander asked.
"Xander?" Angel asked.
"Hey Angel! What's up?"
"Why do you have Buffy's phone?"
"Well, she gave it to me before she ran off. I was just on my way over to give it to her. I she there?"
"No."
"Of course not. You're calling her on her phone, so why would she be there?"
"Xander, just bring the phone over here tomorrow." Angel hung up and sighed. He turned around and found Conner standing there in the doorway to the kitchen in only his sweat pants. Angel jumped slightly.
"Hey dad." Conner said.
"Conner. What are you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep. Got hungry. Where's mom?"
"I don't know. She hasn't come home yet."
"Oh. Are you going out to look for her?"
"Huh?" Conner motioned towards Angel's clothes. "Oh! No. At least, I wasn't planning on it."
"Oh." Conner sat down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. "Can I talk to you? I was going to talk to mom, but I guess you're as good as any, seeing as how you're my dad."
"Anything you want Conner." Angel stood on the other side of the breakfast bar and looked at Conner, waiting.
"Well, it's not really that important, but it feels like it should be."
"What's that?"
"What was it like when I was a baby? Did I cry a lot? Was I quiet? What was mom like when she was pregnant with me? What was it like after she had me?"
"Whoa! Slow down. One question at a time."
"Sorry."
"It's ok. You want to know. And that's great. To me it's great anyways. Buffy probably expected it."
"Why didn't you?"
"I don't think you trust me." Angel paused and then looked his son directly in his eyes. "I don't think you love me."
"A part of me can't."
"Why?"
"Because of what my fa.. Holtz raised me to believe. I know about what you did to his family and what you did to others. I want to accept you, like mom and Dawn do, but I can't."
"I understand. I honestly can't see why Buffy has accepted me like she has. She accepted me from the very beginning. If I were in her place, I probably would have run far, far away."
"Give me time."
"Time is what everyone needs, just can't always get."
"Will we have it?"
"God I hope so." Angel smiled and Conner smiled back. "So, what were you like when you were a baby?"
"Yeah."
"Want me to start from the beginning?"
"Please."
Angel started the tale where he had first talked to Buffy over the phone and asked her to meet him at the little hotel. He didn't go into details, but he did tell the truth. He told Conner about when he found out he was going to be dad, how happy he had been. He told the tale of Buffy and his wedding. He told Conner what it was like watching Buffy's stomach get larger with their son. Angel told Conner about the time that he had almost lost both Buffy and him while she was pregnant. Conner sat and listened, completely fascinated by everything. He told Conner what it was like in the hospital waiting for news about Buffy and their son as Angel and Conner relocated to the living room. If they were ok or if Angel had to prepare for the worst. Then he told of the nights they had spent in the little room rocking Conner to sleep. Finally, Angel got to the part about what it was like to lose their baby boy and what lengths Buffy and Angel had gone to try to get him back. When Angel finished, Conner looked down for a long moment.
"Son, what is it?" Angel asked.
Conner stood and looked back up at Angel. "I didn't realize the extent of how much you and mom love me. I didn't realize what Holtz put you through. It makes me see him in a completely different light."
"Holtz wasn't all that bad. He was just doing what he had been propelled to do. And yes, your mother and I love you very much. We would give up the world for you."
"Can I.. can I hug you?"
"Of course you can."
Angel stood and he and Conner hugged tightly. It was the first time they had ever shared a moment as father and son. Angel looked up as he heard the door shut lightly. Buffy walked in and stopped on the threshold of the French doors. A huge smile covered her lovely features as she looked at the two most important men in her life finally letting go of their issues and taking the first step to being father and son.
Conner pulled away and looked up at Angel. "I want to start to love you as my true father and I want to trust you like I trust mom."
"I think we can arrange that." Angel said.
"God, I hope we can!" Buffy said.
Conner spun, startled by his mother's voice. "Mom!"
"Buffy, where have you been?" Angel asked.
"Chill. I had some issues to work out with Faith. We need to talk."
"All right."
"Conner, what are you doing up? You're supposed to be in bed."
"That was my fault. He had some questions that needed answering."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean to upset you." Conner said.
"It's ok. I've just had a really strange night. Get to bed now kiddo. We both have school in the morning."
"Goodnight mom. Goodnight dad." Conner kissed his mother on the cheek and hugged Angel again before jogging up the stairs.
Angel looked at Buffy. "So, you said something about a talk?"
Faith turned and bolted out of the church. She ran past Buffy and headed down the street. Buffy gave chase, calling the other Slayer's name out. She lost the brunette Slayer somewhere in Docktown. Reaching out with her senses, Buffy felt for Faith. She followed the connection and found Faith sitting on the beach near the rolling surf. Buffy walked up to her slowly.
Without looking up at Buffy, Faith said, "I've always been the jealous type and look what it's done."
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked, sitting down next to Faith.
"I've always been jealous of you. Of what you had and I didn't."
"Faith..?"
"He did it for me. He did it so I could be more like big sister Buffy."
"Faith, what did he do?"
"He, uh, he talked about a spark. That Angel should have warned him that it would burn. He said that it was what I wanted and deserved: to be more like you."
"Spark? I don't.." Faith turned to look at Buffy and the blonde stopped talking. Faith's eyes were red and wet. Tears feel freely down her face as the two Slayers stared at each other. Then it hit Buffy. The spark Faith was talking about. "His soul."
"How can a person love someone so much that they would put themselves through that kind of torment? He didn't need one. I was fine without one."
"You've always had a conscience. You just chose to ignore it. Spike, Angel, they didn't get choices. Their souls were taken from them."
"I meant him. I was fine with him without a soul."
"No, you didn't. There was more to that statement. I just answered the question behind it."
"Why aren't I like him Buffy?"
"Like Spike?"
"He's crazy because of it. I've lost him because of my jealousy."
"Why aren't you crazy?" Faith nodded. "Your soul was never lost and it was always there. But you're strong. You bounced back."
"Why can't Spike?"
"I don't know."
"Why isn't Angel crazy? He was never crazy."
"That's not true." Faith turned to look at Buffy and Buffy looked out over the darkened ocean. "He was. Before he met me. He couldn't take the pain that his soul caused him. He lived on the streets like a beggar, feeding off rats. People would cross the street to get away from him. After Darla shunned him for the second time, he became a real recluse. He stopped caring."
Faith was silent. They stared out over the ocean and listened to the waves crash against the docks. The wind blew gently, picking up Buffy and Faith's hair and whipping it lightly around. A dog barked a few blocks away and the tinkle of glasses and drunken sailors singing off key floated to the Slayers from the Fishtank. Minutes past by as the women sat there, thinking of the men they loved.
"I've never felt this way before." Faith said.
"Like what?" Buffy asked.
"Like I belong."
"You've always belonged. And just like the conscience, you chose to ignore it. We were always there with open arms Faith. All you had to do was tell us you wanted in."
"I'm not just talking about that."
"You're talking about love. I know. I caught that."
"Is that what that hole is that's been ripping at my heart lately?"
"It's not always like that."
"Pft!"
"It'll get better eventually. Time is all it takes Faith. I know it hurts now; I've been there. I've been there a lot. Not just with Angel. With Conner, when he was taken from me, I was devastated. I didn't think I would ever pull through that. I watched him get kidnapped. I handed my own son over to an unknown enemy. A hole was ripped in my heart and I covered it with hatred and rage at the people who had orchestrated my son's kidnapping. It wasn't really closed though. After Conner came back to us, it was still pretty large. Time has helped me. And my family."
"I don't have one of those."
"You do. We may not be blood relatives, but it's not the blood that counts in those bonds. Family is who the heart feels most comfortable with. Family is people who are always there for you through thick and thin. And you have quite a large family Faith. I'm proud to have you in my family."
"After all I've done?"
"Ah, I'll get over it eventually. For now, I just want you to calm down and realize that you do have people that are here for you."
"I don't feel like I do."
"I didn't either. Not after I had come back, anyway. For a while, I resented my friends for pulling me away from my peace. My heaven. Spike was the only one who was there who understood. I'm grateful for him being there, but then there was Angel. The one person who could fully understand what I was going through. I remember those four days I spent with him at that place between here and LA. Those were the first days when I felt wonderful. When I felt happy. That was the beginning of the rebuilding of my family."
"I don't have that."
"You do. Faith, when you first came to Sunnydale, you had me and mom and Dawn. Dawn looked up to you more than she did me."
"That's not true."
"It is. And you also had Willow and Xander and Giles. Angel was there for you too. You just never noticed. I promised myself that I would never give up on you. As long as it took, I would help you. And I still haven't given up on you. How many people have ever done that for you?"
"One."
"Who?"
"Angel."
"There you go, a part of your large family. And now that he and I are married, you're in a lot of trouble."
Faith chuckled and Buffy smiled at her. But the laugh didn't last. It turned into quiet sobs. Faith was finally breaking down and Buffy was there to help her. Buffy opened her arms and Faith's head fell on Buffy's shoulder. She sobbed onto the other Slayer's shoulder and Buffy let her. She stroked Faith's hair and told her that everything would work out for them all.
Angel sat in the couch in the living room waiting for Buffy. Conner and Dawn had been asleep in their rooms going on three hours. Buffy wasn't home yet and Angel was starting to realize what Joyce Summers had felt like all those nights after she had found out Buffy was the Slayer. He sighed and looked back down at the book he was trying to read. He had been on the same page for the past hour or so. Exasperated, he tossed the book on the coffee table and got up, heading for the kitchen.
Angel walked around the kitchen, trying to busy himself by cleaning things that didn't need to cleaned. He checked the message machine, but nothing blinked. The phone hadn't even rang, so how could there have been a message from Buffy he didn't know about? Suddenly it hit him. Buffy had her cell phone. Picking up the phone, he quickly dialed her number. It rang and rang until finally someone picked it up.
"Hello?" Xander asked.
"Xander?" Angel asked.
"Hey Angel! What's up?"
"Why do you have Buffy's phone?"
"Well, she gave it to me before she ran off. I was just on my way over to give it to her. I she there?"
"No."
"Of course not. You're calling her on her phone, so why would she be there?"
"Xander, just bring the phone over here tomorrow." Angel hung up and sighed. He turned around and found Conner standing there in the doorway to the kitchen in only his sweat pants. Angel jumped slightly.
"Hey dad." Conner said.
"Conner. What are you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep. Got hungry. Where's mom?"
"I don't know. She hasn't come home yet."
"Oh. Are you going out to look for her?"
"Huh?" Conner motioned towards Angel's clothes. "Oh! No. At least, I wasn't planning on it."
"Oh." Conner sat down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. "Can I talk to you? I was going to talk to mom, but I guess you're as good as any, seeing as how you're my dad."
"Anything you want Conner." Angel stood on the other side of the breakfast bar and looked at Conner, waiting.
"Well, it's not really that important, but it feels like it should be."
"What's that?"
"What was it like when I was a baby? Did I cry a lot? Was I quiet? What was mom like when she was pregnant with me? What was it like after she had me?"
"Whoa! Slow down. One question at a time."
"Sorry."
"It's ok. You want to know. And that's great. To me it's great anyways. Buffy probably expected it."
"Why didn't you?"
"I don't think you trust me." Angel paused and then looked his son directly in his eyes. "I don't think you love me."
"A part of me can't."
"Why?"
"Because of what my fa.. Holtz raised me to believe. I know about what you did to his family and what you did to others. I want to accept you, like mom and Dawn do, but I can't."
"I understand. I honestly can't see why Buffy has accepted me like she has. She accepted me from the very beginning. If I were in her place, I probably would have run far, far away."
"Give me time."
"Time is what everyone needs, just can't always get."
"Will we have it?"
"God I hope so." Angel smiled and Conner smiled back. "So, what were you like when you were a baby?"
"Yeah."
"Want me to start from the beginning?"
"Please."
Angel started the tale where he had first talked to Buffy over the phone and asked her to meet him at the little hotel. He didn't go into details, but he did tell the truth. He told Conner about when he found out he was going to be dad, how happy he had been. He told the tale of Buffy and his wedding. He told Conner what it was like watching Buffy's stomach get larger with their son. Angel told Conner about the time that he had almost lost both Buffy and him while she was pregnant. Conner sat and listened, completely fascinated by everything. He told Conner what it was like in the hospital waiting for news about Buffy and their son as Angel and Conner relocated to the living room. If they were ok or if Angel had to prepare for the worst. Then he told of the nights they had spent in the little room rocking Conner to sleep. Finally, Angel got to the part about what it was like to lose their baby boy and what lengths Buffy and Angel had gone to try to get him back. When Angel finished, Conner looked down for a long moment.
"Son, what is it?" Angel asked.
Conner stood and looked back up at Angel. "I didn't realize the extent of how much you and mom love me. I didn't realize what Holtz put you through. It makes me see him in a completely different light."
"Holtz wasn't all that bad. He was just doing what he had been propelled to do. And yes, your mother and I love you very much. We would give up the world for you."
"Can I.. can I hug you?"
"Of course you can."
Angel stood and he and Conner hugged tightly. It was the first time they had ever shared a moment as father and son. Angel looked up as he heard the door shut lightly. Buffy walked in and stopped on the threshold of the French doors. A huge smile covered her lovely features as she looked at the two most important men in her life finally letting go of their issues and taking the first step to being father and son.
Conner pulled away and looked up at Angel. "I want to start to love you as my true father and I want to trust you like I trust mom."
"I think we can arrange that." Angel said.
"God, I hope we can!" Buffy said.
Conner spun, startled by his mother's voice. "Mom!"
"Buffy, where have you been?" Angel asked.
"Chill. I had some issues to work out with Faith. We need to talk."
"All right."
"Conner, what are you doing up? You're supposed to be in bed."
"That was my fault. He had some questions that needed answering."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean to upset you." Conner said.
"It's ok. I've just had a really strange night. Get to bed now kiddo. We both have school in the morning."
"Goodnight mom. Goodnight dad." Conner kissed his mother on the cheek and hugged Angel again before jogging up the stairs.
Angel looked at Buffy. "So, you said something about a talk?"
