Chapter 35
Buffy walked over to the football players gathered on the side of the field. Conner was in the middle being congratulated on his winning touchdown. Angel followed close behind her. Dawn wasn't there because she had gone on a trip to San Diego for one of her clubs that she was with. Xander and Willow were talking to an old friend of theirs somewhere in the stands.
"Conner!" Buffy called.
Conner spotted her and waved to his friends. "Did you see me Mom? Wasn't I awesome!"
Buffy hugged her son. "You were better that awesome! Some might even say NFL material."
"Nah."
"Are you coming with us?"
"When are we leaving?"
"Pretty much now. Our bags are in the car. We brought one for you if you want to go."
"Yeah! Let me get changed."
Three hours later, Conner, Angel, and Buffy were standing at the Hyperion. Conner ran up to his room and got ready to go out to see Hank while Buffy and Angel talked to Cordy out in the garden.
"How you doing?" Buffy asked.
"You have no idea how much this is killing me. I mean, I know my ABC's, my history, I know who's President, and that I sorta wish I didn't. I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center, but I don't.. I don't even recognize the sound of my own name." Cordy said, starting to cry.
"We'll get you back. No matter what. I promise you, we will get you back." Buffy said, sitting beside Cordy.
Lorne walked into the garden excitedly. "What's all this 'we', Blondie? I'm the one out there doing all the legwork.. well, it's really more lap- work cause guess what just fell into it." Lorne held an opaque ceramic bottle with a cork in the top.
"What?" Cordy asked.
"A memory spell, provided by one of my clients, that is guaranteed to bring our Cordy back to the way she was."
"Guaranteed?" Angel asked.
"No pain, no side-effects. I'm telling you, swingers, there's no way this can fail."
"Where'd you get it? Tara and Giles both used to say that memory spells are dangerous." Buffy said.
"I had it off this wraith.. sweet girl.. not overly tangible.. but she deals in memory spells professionally. Now she swears up and down that with the right mix, we can stop this talking and cut to the Cordelia Chase in two ticks of a.. ticking thing."
"I don't know. Spells.. I don't trust them." Angel said.
"And I don't care." Cordy said, standing. "I'm in."
"Cordy, I just.."
"I don't care. Pain, side effects, this thing turns me into a mousaka.. I'm happy. As long as I can remember I'm a mousaka."
"Don't even worry about it, princess. I've got all the ingredients lined up. As soon as we gather the seven, we'll be good to go." Lorne said.
"The seven what?" Buffy asked following Cordy and Lorne. "People? Not my son! I want to keep him AWAY from the magicks. Far away."
"Trust me cupcakes, your son's going to have nothing to do with this."
"Then who?"
Conner had left, promising that he would come back in a couple of hours. He and Buffy's father had gotten pretty close and Hank had come to think of him as a son. Buffy was going to have to tell Hank the truth about Conner one day.
"Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?" Wesley asked, walking in. Fred had just said something in another language.
"Wesley!" Buffy said, almost startled.
"No, it's Pylean, crumpet. I said, 'I may be prepared to shout a joyful chant.'" Lorne said.
"And I said, 'May your words please the gods.'" Fred said.
"Are you all right? Did you..?" Wesley asked quietly to Fred.
"It's done."
Gunn watched them from the office. Buffy noticed and walked up to him. "Hey."
"What?" Gunn asked.
"Jesus Gunn! What's the matter with you? Cordy says that you and Fred have been hiding in your room all week."
"It's nothing."
"No, it's something. Because I've been through that something."
"You have no idea what I'm going through."
"I do. Gunn, I may be blonde, but I'm not blind. I know you killed that professor. I could see it in your eyes. Trust me, I've been there. There was twice that I've been involved in someone's murder. Once it was only a spell, but I know what it's like to feel after you've killed a person."
"And the other?"
"I stood by and watched and I saw what it did to my friend. I don't need to see you going through that. You think I haven't been through enough in the last year? I don't need to lose two more friends. Now don't you ever tell Angel I said this. Don't tell ANYONE that I said this. What you did to that professor? He deserved it."
"How can you say that?"
"Because I'm not the same Buffy I once was. I've changed, some might say for the worst. I'm never going to let Angel know that. Or Conner. Or Dawn. The things that have happened to me.. I can't bare them. I haven't been the same since I was brought back. Maybe it was something in the spell. I don't know. But I'm not going to give into my darkness. I have too much to lose if I do. And so do you." With that, Buffy walked out. Angel came up to her and they embraced, Buffy looking as if she hadn't just admitted that she was rooting for the professor's death.
"Are you ready to do this?" Angel asked.
"I guess."
"Ok kiddies. Let's go." Lorne said. As Lorne started the spell, all seven people sat on the floor, arranged around the symbol Lorne had painted earlier. They were all holding hands, with candles lit in front of them. Clockwise from Lorne, it was Angel, Buffy, Cordy, Gunn, Fred, and Wesley. "Ok, eyes on the bottle. We come in supplication and hope. Bring her back." The bottle started to move and to dance around the center of the circle. Suddenly, magical amber light streamed out of the bottle, and a stream headed for each person there. When the light stopped, the bottle fell over and spun in the center of the circle.
"What's going on?" Cordy asked.
"I feel a little.." Lorne started as he crawled away.
Buffy's head swam as the circle was broken. She felt as if she were stoned and drunk at the same time. Her hand made little trails in front of her face.
"What's happening to us?" Gunn asked.
"This is important. It's so beautiful.." Fred said, examining a plant before puking in it.
Gunn practiced martial arts moves. Wes was still sitting where he was when they had started. "We'll just wait to see if there are any side effects." He said.
"What's happening? We can't just.. we have to.. No!" Cordy smashed the bottle under her foot and the buzz went away.
Buffy looked around in confusion. There were six other people standing around the huge room. She didn't know any of them. "Ok. What the hell is goin' on here?"
"What's your name?" the man with the suit asked the girl with short blonde and brown hair.
"I'm Cordelia Chase, dumb ass. And if this is some sort of sophomore hazing prank where I get doped up and left with a bunch of proto-losers, then my parents are gonna be suing the entire population of Sunnydale. Comprendez?" The girl named Cordelia said.
"What the hell are you talking about?" a black man asked.
"It's called kidnapping a minor, hair club for men. And if you think for a second I'm gonna be putting up with this, well, you don't know Cordelia Chase."
Buffy looked over as a tall, dark, and handsome man walked in the room. She muttered under her breath, "Hello, salty goodness." He looked over at her with chocolate brown eyes that were frightened.
"All right. Hang on. You're Cordelia Chase, you're a high school student, you live in Sunnydale?" the black guy asked.
"Right." Cordelia said.
"So who are you?" the suit guy asked.
"I'm the guy that's gonna be kicking a whole mess of ass if somebody don't tell me what's going on." The black guy said.
"What do they call you for short?" Buffy asked.
"Does anyone here recognize anyone?" Suit Guy asked.
"Um, I'm Fred Burkle. I'm also in school in San Anton." The girl named Fred said in a think southern accent.
"Oh, we're both in school. Oh, gosh, let's be best friends so I can lose all my cool ones." Cordelia said.
"There's no need to be snippety, Miss." Suit Guy said.
"This is a clarion call for snippety, Princess Charles." Buffy said harshly.
"It's Wesley, thank you. Wyndham-Pryce. I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be head boy." Suit Guy said.
"Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname."
"A lot of effort, I don't mind saying."
"Who are you?" Cordelia asked.
"Buffy Summers."
"Where are you from?"
"LA. I'm a freshman from Hemery High."
"LA! Really? I've always wanted to live there."
"It's ok. Do you know any of these freaks?"
"Not a one. You're the only one I want to get to know. Everyone else here seems like total losers. Oh, and you can call me Cordy."
"You can call me Buffy. Everyone else does." Buffy said, hoping that this girl didn't see that honey guy on the steps.
"Gunn." The black guy said.
"Where?" Wesley asked, ducking.
"Me. That's my name. The short version." Gunn said.
"Ah. What school do you attend?" Gunn rolled his eyes at Wesley.
"So, we've heard from the socially handi-capable. What's your story?" Buffy asked the guy on the steps.
"Mad." He said. "You're all mad. These clothes. Your speech. This place. What land is this?"
"What land is it supposed to be?" Gunn asked.
"Yes, where do you hail from, friend?" Wesley asked.
"I'm not your friend, you English pig. We never wanted you in Ireland. We don't want you now." Hottie said.
"You Irish?" Gunn asked.
"You don't sound Irish." Cordelia said.
"For most certain, I sound exactly.." Hottie held a hand to his throat. "Something is wrong with my voice."
"Well, what's your name?" Wesley asked.
"Liam."
"Great. We've all got names." Cordy said, walking towards the door and pulling Buffy along. "Bye, now."
"I wouldn't be so quick, Miss Chase and Miss Summers, to leave. Clearly, we're all victims of some nefarious scheme." Wesley said. "I'll lay odds that that door is bolted shut. And who knows what peril lies outside it."
"English pig. English pig?" Liam said to himself on the stairs.
"Before we do anything, I suggest we gather as much information as we can."
"And I suggest we gather some cops." Cordy said.
"Yo.. I don't want no heat near me." Gunn said.
"Hell with this! LAPD sucks." Buffy said.
"I don't think we should call the police anyhow. I mean, they're probably involved." Fred said.
"In what?" Gunn asked.
"Don't y'all think this is some kind of government conspiracy? Cause my friend, Levon, says the government's always taking kids and experimentin' on 'em. Did anybody else have to take a personality disorder test recently? They ask you about politics and your bowel movements and if you want to be a florist.."
"Ok. We've heard from Scarlet O-Please-Shut-Me-Up. Does anyone sane have a theory?" Cordy asked.
"There's conspiracies and stuff. Y'all don't even know.."
"I got no problem with the idea that the man is messing with us." Gunn said.
"The important thing is to start with the facts. We're all from different cities, we're all of an age.." Wesley said, rubbing his chin. "Judging from the amount of facial hair I've grown, we've all been unconscious for at least a month."
"Oh, God. Oh, God. My hair. My hair. The government gave me bad hair." Cordy said, starting to cry.
"No, no, it's nice." Buffy said.
"Yes, it's, uh, just the thing." Wesley said.
"Are you sure?" Cordy asked.
"It's..eh..very attractive. But a clue, nonetheless. Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair.."
Wesley was cut off by Buffy starting to scream. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" She held her hair in her hands. "Where'd it go! OH MY GOD NO! PLEASE!"
"What's the matter?" Liam asked, scooting over to Buffy who was sitting on the stairs.
"My hair! It's gone!"
"What?"
"It's SHORT! I hate the government!" Buffy started to cry.
Liam put his arm around Buffy's shoulders and let her cry on his shoulder. "It's the devil." He said.
"My hair?" Buffy sobbed.
"My father said I was a sinner, that I'd come to a bad end. Now I've come to hell."
"Well, hell's a lot nicer than my place." Gunn said.
"It appears to be some sort of hotel." Wesley said.
"Well, maybe it's Motel Hell." Fred said, giggling and snorting.
"Well, let's get the lay of the place."
"Don't be giving me orders. I run my own crew." Gunn snapped.
"I'm sure your seafaring adventures are very interesting, but I have experience of things you couldn't imagine. I'm not head boy for nothing."
"You 'bout to be headless boy, you don't get out my face."
"Intimidation. Ha. Ha. Points for effort. Perhaps a little kar-ate technique will put you in your place." Wesley did a pretty bad demonstration of karate martial arts. When he bent down his wrist, a dagger shot out of his forearm. Wesley gasped and jumped back.
"What the hell was that?" Cordy asked.
"A clue?"
"Was that a wooden stake you got?" Gunn asked.
"Apparently, yes. Which changes the scenario quite a bit."
Fred tried karate moves of her own and inspected her hands. "I didn't get one."
"Nobody got one except English, here. Why's that?" Gunn asked.
"I don't know. I suggest we look about for weapons of some kind." Wesley said.
"Yeah, that part works."
Fred and Gunn walked around to the back of the front counter. Fred screamed when Wesley's concealed weapon started going haywire. The sword came out, but it was too unwieldy for him.
"Aah!" Wesley cried. He finally got his weapon under control. "All right. Nobody scream. Or touch my arms."
"Well, I think I found another clue." Fred said.
"She's not wrong." Gunn said.
"Ok, this is even less funny. What the hell is that?" Cordy asked. They had found a green guy in a flashy suit passed out on the floor. Liam stood and helped Buffy to stand. She clung to his arm and he held his out like a gentleman.
"I knew it. It's the devil." Liam said, looking at the green man.
"Why is the devil sleepy?" Fred asked.
"Let's get it over to that chair thing over there and tie it up." Wesley said, picking up the demon's legs and dragging him over. Fred found duct tape and handed it to Wesley. He started to tape the demon thing to the chair.
"I say we cut his head off." Gunn said.
"He may have information we need. When he wakes up.."
"When he wakes up, we don't even know if this tape is gonna hold him. I say we cut his damn head off."
"Thank you very much, Marie Antoinette."
"What'd you call me?"
"Hey. Hey, you two want to stop the homoerotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this. Wooden stakes. A guy with horns. And neither of you seems that surprised when things just keep getting weirder." Cordy said.
"They really are." Buffy said as she and Liam found a cabinet full of old weapons.
"All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. I assure you that however.." Wesley started.
Gunn cut him off. "Vampires are real."
"I was telling!"
"Vampires are all over L.A. I've been fighting 'em my whole life."
"That creature's a vampire?" Liam asked.
"No, I ain't never seen nothin' like that."
"I have." Wesley said. "Oh. It's.. a demon. Probably of the Karathmama..nyuhg family. You see? Some of us have slightly broader experience."
"How do you kill it?"
"Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots or possibly human effluvia, and, uh, it's a horned race.."
"So you know jack?"
"They're nocturnal."
"I'm gonna get me one of them axes."
"Hold on."
"Hey! Don't matter what it is. It looks wrong, it dies."
Wesley grabbed Gunn's arm to stop him. "Not 'til we find out.." Gunn grabbed Wesley's neck from behind. "Oh, quit it!" Wesley grabbed Gunn's ear.
"Oh, get off my.."
"Watch the arm. Watch the arm!"
"Aren't you gonna get in there and stop them?" Buffy asked Liam.
"It's about time the English got what's coming to them. I'm rooting for the slave."
Cordy broke the fight up. "Enough, ok. If head cheese here has a theory, then let's hear it."
"There are stories at the Watcher's Academy of a test. A secret gauntlet which only the most cunning can survive. You're locked in a house with a vicious, deadly vampire, and you have to kill him before he kills you. It's been done in the past with slayers." Wesley said.
"Slayer? The band?" Fred asked.
"No, it.. The point is: this could be a test.. the weapons, the maze-like locale, the innocent civilians, and the mysterious Karathmama..nyuhg demon. This is a test!"
"I ain't a civilian. I've been killing vamps since I was twelve." Gunn said.
"Which only supports my theory. You must be here in an advisory capacity."
"I think I'm here in a 'chop that green bitch's head off' capacity, and I don't give a damn about no test!"
"Are you always this grouchy?" Fred asked.
"Only when I wake up with a bunch of insane white folks trying to tell me what to do. The day I take orders from guys like you is the day I.. not even gonna happen."
"Keep explaining why we're not walking out that door?" Cordy said.
"Because they did something to us. They changed us." Liam said.
"You mean, this is about my hair?" Buffy asked.
"I sorta see his point. Not one of y'all looks exactly sixteen. It's like time's been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years." Fred said.
Everyone started inspecting their bodies. Liam looked Buffy up and down as she did the same to him. Cordy felt her breasts and moved them up and down. "I kinda have filled out even more." She said.
"And I apparently ain't gonna." Fred said.
"I feel cold.. inside." Liam said.
"This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom?!" Cordy asked.
"Oh my God! I still need a date!" Buffy said.
"What's a prom?" Liam asked her.
"It's this huge formal thing. You get all, like, dressed up and stuff and you go hang with your friends and dance and stuff."
"Oh! I like dances."
"Really? How do you look in a tux?"
"Tux?"
"Never mind. I think you'll look damn fine. Wanna go?"
"Could be that demon put a whammy on us." Gunn said, interrupting Liam's response.
"So, you think, if we kill this vampire, they take off the spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves?" Fred asked.
"And never see each other again?" Cordy asked.
"I believe we can all just go about our business." Wesley said.
"And never see each other again?"
"Great. So we go vamp hunting." Gunn said. He went to the weapons cabinet to select an axe. "This place looks pretty big. I say three groups."
"Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here." Buffy said, holding onto Liam. "We'll try the rooms."
Liam chose a sword for himself and picked up a stake for Buffy. She took it from him and they all split into their groups. Gunn and Cordy went together. Fred and Wesley went together. Liam and Buffy went together.
"We'll look downstairs, but remember, if you find the vampire, it is a vicious animal. Just try to draw it in toward us. Don't worry. We'll win this day, I assure you." Wesley said.
"I'm ready. I'm ok. Be cooler if we could score some weed, though." Fred said.
They all walked away and headed for their designated search areas.
Buffy walked over to the football players gathered on the side of the field. Conner was in the middle being congratulated on his winning touchdown. Angel followed close behind her. Dawn wasn't there because she had gone on a trip to San Diego for one of her clubs that she was with. Xander and Willow were talking to an old friend of theirs somewhere in the stands.
"Conner!" Buffy called.
Conner spotted her and waved to his friends. "Did you see me Mom? Wasn't I awesome!"
Buffy hugged her son. "You were better that awesome! Some might even say NFL material."
"Nah."
"Are you coming with us?"
"When are we leaving?"
"Pretty much now. Our bags are in the car. We brought one for you if you want to go."
"Yeah! Let me get changed."
Three hours later, Conner, Angel, and Buffy were standing at the Hyperion. Conner ran up to his room and got ready to go out to see Hank while Buffy and Angel talked to Cordy out in the garden.
"How you doing?" Buffy asked.
"You have no idea how much this is killing me. I mean, I know my ABC's, my history, I know who's President, and that I sorta wish I didn't. I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center, but I don't.. I don't even recognize the sound of my own name." Cordy said, starting to cry.
"We'll get you back. No matter what. I promise you, we will get you back." Buffy said, sitting beside Cordy.
Lorne walked into the garden excitedly. "What's all this 'we', Blondie? I'm the one out there doing all the legwork.. well, it's really more lap- work cause guess what just fell into it." Lorne held an opaque ceramic bottle with a cork in the top.
"What?" Cordy asked.
"A memory spell, provided by one of my clients, that is guaranteed to bring our Cordy back to the way she was."
"Guaranteed?" Angel asked.
"No pain, no side-effects. I'm telling you, swingers, there's no way this can fail."
"Where'd you get it? Tara and Giles both used to say that memory spells are dangerous." Buffy said.
"I had it off this wraith.. sweet girl.. not overly tangible.. but she deals in memory spells professionally. Now she swears up and down that with the right mix, we can stop this talking and cut to the Cordelia Chase in two ticks of a.. ticking thing."
"I don't know. Spells.. I don't trust them." Angel said.
"And I don't care." Cordy said, standing. "I'm in."
"Cordy, I just.."
"I don't care. Pain, side effects, this thing turns me into a mousaka.. I'm happy. As long as I can remember I'm a mousaka."
"Don't even worry about it, princess. I've got all the ingredients lined up. As soon as we gather the seven, we'll be good to go." Lorne said.
"The seven what?" Buffy asked following Cordy and Lorne. "People? Not my son! I want to keep him AWAY from the magicks. Far away."
"Trust me cupcakes, your son's going to have nothing to do with this."
"Then who?"
Conner had left, promising that he would come back in a couple of hours. He and Buffy's father had gotten pretty close and Hank had come to think of him as a son. Buffy was going to have to tell Hank the truth about Conner one day.
"Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?" Wesley asked, walking in. Fred had just said something in another language.
"Wesley!" Buffy said, almost startled.
"No, it's Pylean, crumpet. I said, 'I may be prepared to shout a joyful chant.'" Lorne said.
"And I said, 'May your words please the gods.'" Fred said.
"Are you all right? Did you..?" Wesley asked quietly to Fred.
"It's done."
Gunn watched them from the office. Buffy noticed and walked up to him. "Hey."
"What?" Gunn asked.
"Jesus Gunn! What's the matter with you? Cordy says that you and Fred have been hiding in your room all week."
"It's nothing."
"No, it's something. Because I've been through that something."
"You have no idea what I'm going through."
"I do. Gunn, I may be blonde, but I'm not blind. I know you killed that professor. I could see it in your eyes. Trust me, I've been there. There was twice that I've been involved in someone's murder. Once it was only a spell, but I know what it's like to feel after you've killed a person."
"And the other?"
"I stood by and watched and I saw what it did to my friend. I don't need to see you going through that. You think I haven't been through enough in the last year? I don't need to lose two more friends. Now don't you ever tell Angel I said this. Don't tell ANYONE that I said this. What you did to that professor? He deserved it."
"How can you say that?"
"Because I'm not the same Buffy I once was. I've changed, some might say for the worst. I'm never going to let Angel know that. Or Conner. Or Dawn. The things that have happened to me.. I can't bare them. I haven't been the same since I was brought back. Maybe it was something in the spell. I don't know. But I'm not going to give into my darkness. I have too much to lose if I do. And so do you." With that, Buffy walked out. Angel came up to her and they embraced, Buffy looking as if she hadn't just admitted that she was rooting for the professor's death.
"Are you ready to do this?" Angel asked.
"I guess."
"Ok kiddies. Let's go." Lorne said. As Lorne started the spell, all seven people sat on the floor, arranged around the symbol Lorne had painted earlier. They were all holding hands, with candles lit in front of them. Clockwise from Lorne, it was Angel, Buffy, Cordy, Gunn, Fred, and Wesley. "Ok, eyes on the bottle. We come in supplication and hope. Bring her back." The bottle started to move and to dance around the center of the circle. Suddenly, magical amber light streamed out of the bottle, and a stream headed for each person there. When the light stopped, the bottle fell over and spun in the center of the circle.
"What's going on?" Cordy asked.
"I feel a little.." Lorne started as he crawled away.
Buffy's head swam as the circle was broken. She felt as if she were stoned and drunk at the same time. Her hand made little trails in front of her face.
"What's happening to us?" Gunn asked.
"This is important. It's so beautiful.." Fred said, examining a plant before puking in it.
Gunn practiced martial arts moves. Wes was still sitting where he was when they had started. "We'll just wait to see if there are any side effects." He said.
"What's happening? We can't just.. we have to.. No!" Cordy smashed the bottle under her foot and the buzz went away.
Buffy looked around in confusion. There were six other people standing around the huge room. She didn't know any of them. "Ok. What the hell is goin' on here?"
"What's your name?" the man with the suit asked the girl with short blonde and brown hair.
"I'm Cordelia Chase, dumb ass. And if this is some sort of sophomore hazing prank where I get doped up and left with a bunch of proto-losers, then my parents are gonna be suing the entire population of Sunnydale. Comprendez?" The girl named Cordelia said.
"What the hell are you talking about?" a black man asked.
"It's called kidnapping a minor, hair club for men. And if you think for a second I'm gonna be putting up with this, well, you don't know Cordelia Chase."
Buffy looked over as a tall, dark, and handsome man walked in the room. She muttered under her breath, "Hello, salty goodness." He looked over at her with chocolate brown eyes that were frightened.
"All right. Hang on. You're Cordelia Chase, you're a high school student, you live in Sunnydale?" the black guy asked.
"Right." Cordelia said.
"So who are you?" the suit guy asked.
"I'm the guy that's gonna be kicking a whole mess of ass if somebody don't tell me what's going on." The black guy said.
"What do they call you for short?" Buffy asked.
"Does anyone here recognize anyone?" Suit Guy asked.
"Um, I'm Fred Burkle. I'm also in school in San Anton." The girl named Fred said in a think southern accent.
"Oh, we're both in school. Oh, gosh, let's be best friends so I can lose all my cool ones." Cordelia said.
"There's no need to be snippety, Miss." Suit Guy said.
"This is a clarion call for snippety, Princess Charles." Buffy said harshly.
"It's Wesley, thank you. Wyndham-Pryce. I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be head boy." Suit Guy said.
"Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname."
"A lot of effort, I don't mind saying."
"Who are you?" Cordelia asked.
"Buffy Summers."
"Where are you from?"
"LA. I'm a freshman from Hemery High."
"LA! Really? I've always wanted to live there."
"It's ok. Do you know any of these freaks?"
"Not a one. You're the only one I want to get to know. Everyone else here seems like total losers. Oh, and you can call me Cordy."
"You can call me Buffy. Everyone else does." Buffy said, hoping that this girl didn't see that honey guy on the steps.
"Gunn." The black guy said.
"Where?" Wesley asked, ducking.
"Me. That's my name. The short version." Gunn said.
"Ah. What school do you attend?" Gunn rolled his eyes at Wesley.
"So, we've heard from the socially handi-capable. What's your story?" Buffy asked the guy on the steps.
"Mad." He said. "You're all mad. These clothes. Your speech. This place. What land is this?"
"What land is it supposed to be?" Gunn asked.
"Yes, where do you hail from, friend?" Wesley asked.
"I'm not your friend, you English pig. We never wanted you in Ireland. We don't want you now." Hottie said.
"You Irish?" Gunn asked.
"You don't sound Irish." Cordelia said.
"For most certain, I sound exactly.." Hottie held a hand to his throat. "Something is wrong with my voice."
"Well, what's your name?" Wesley asked.
"Liam."
"Great. We've all got names." Cordy said, walking towards the door and pulling Buffy along. "Bye, now."
"I wouldn't be so quick, Miss Chase and Miss Summers, to leave. Clearly, we're all victims of some nefarious scheme." Wesley said. "I'll lay odds that that door is bolted shut. And who knows what peril lies outside it."
"English pig. English pig?" Liam said to himself on the stairs.
"Before we do anything, I suggest we gather as much information as we can."
"And I suggest we gather some cops." Cordy said.
"Yo.. I don't want no heat near me." Gunn said.
"Hell with this! LAPD sucks." Buffy said.
"I don't think we should call the police anyhow. I mean, they're probably involved." Fred said.
"In what?" Gunn asked.
"Don't y'all think this is some kind of government conspiracy? Cause my friend, Levon, says the government's always taking kids and experimentin' on 'em. Did anybody else have to take a personality disorder test recently? They ask you about politics and your bowel movements and if you want to be a florist.."
"Ok. We've heard from Scarlet O-Please-Shut-Me-Up. Does anyone sane have a theory?" Cordy asked.
"There's conspiracies and stuff. Y'all don't even know.."
"I got no problem with the idea that the man is messing with us." Gunn said.
"The important thing is to start with the facts. We're all from different cities, we're all of an age.." Wesley said, rubbing his chin. "Judging from the amount of facial hair I've grown, we've all been unconscious for at least a month."
"Oh, God. Oh, God. My hair. My hair. The government gave me bad hair." Cordy said, starting to cry.
"No, no, it's nice." Buffy said.
"Yes, it's, uh, just the thing." Wesley said.
"Are you sure?" Cordy asked.
"It's..eh..very attractive. But a clue, nonetheless. Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair.."
Wesley was cut off by Buffy starting to scream. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" She held her hair in her hands. "Where'd it go! OH MY GOD NO! PLEASE!"
"What's the matter?" Liam asked, scooting over to Buffy who was sitting on the stairs.
"My hair! It's gone!"
"What?"
"It's SHORT! I hate the government!" Buffy started to cry.
Liam put his arm around Buffy's shoulders and let her cry on his shoulder. "It's the devil." He said.
"My hair?" Buffy sobbed.
"My father said I was a sinner, that I'd come to a bad end. Now I've come to hell."
"Well, hell's a lot nicer than my place." Gunn said.
"It appears to be some sort of hotel." Wesley said.
"Well, maybe it's Motel Hell." Fred said, giggling and snorting.
"Well, let's get the lay of the place."
"Don't be giving me orders. I run my own crew." Gunn snapped.
"I'm sure your seafaring adventures are very interesting, but I have experience of things you couldn't imagine. I'm not head boy for nothing."
"You 'bout to be headless boy, you don't get out my face."
"Intimidation. Ha. Ha. Points for effort. Perhaps a little kar-ate technique will put you in your place." Wesley did a pretty bad demonstration of karate martial arts. When he bent down his wrist, a dagger shot out of his forearm. Wesley gasped and jumped back.
"What the hell was that?" Cordy asked.
"A clue?"
"Was that a wooden stake you got?" Gunn asked.
"Apparently, yes. Which changes the scenario quite a bit."
Fred tried karate moves of her own and inspected her hands. "I didn't get one."
"Nobody got one except English, here. Why's that?" Gunn asked.
"I don't know. I suggest we look about for weapons of some kind." Wesley said.
"Yeah, that part works."
Fred and Gunn walked around to the back of the front counter. Fred screamed when Wesley's concealed weapon started going haywire. The sword came out, but it was too unwieldy for him.
"Aah!" Wesley cried. He finally got his weapon under control. "All right. Nobody scream. Or touch my arms."
"Well, I think I found another clue." Fred said.
"She's not wrong." Gunn said.
"Ok, this is even less funny. What the hell is that?" Cordy asked. They had found a green guy in a flashy suit passed out on the floor. Liam stood and helped Buffy to stand. She clung to his arm and he held his out like a gentleman.
"I knew it. It's the devil." Liam said, looking at the green man.
"Why is the devil sleepy?" Fred asked.
"Let's get it over to that chair thing over there and tie it up." Wesley said, picking up the demon's legs and dragging him over. Fred found duct tape and handed it to Wesley. He started to tape the demon thing to the chair.
"I say we cut his head off." Gunn said.
"He may have information we need. When he wakes up.."
"When he wakes up, we don't even know if this tape is gonna hold him. I say we cut his damn head off."
"Thank you very much, Marie Antoinette."
"What'd you call me?"
"Hey. Hey, you two want to stop the homoerotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this. Wooden stakes. A guy with horns. And neither of you seems that surprised when things just keep getting weirder." Cordy said.
"They really are." Buffy said as she and Liam found a cabinet full of old weapons.
"All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. I assure you that however.." Wesley started.
Gunn cut him off. "Vampires are real."
"I was telling!"
"Vampires are all over L.A. I've been fighting 'em my whole life."
"That creature's a vampire?" Liam asked.
"No, I ain't never seen nothin' like that."
"I have." Wesley said. "Oh. It's.. a demon. Probably of the Karathmama..nyuhg family. You see? Some of us have slightly broader experience."
"How do you kill it?"
"Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots or possibly human effluvia, and, uh, it's a horned race.."
"So you know jack?"
"They're nocturnal."
"I'm gonna get me one of them axes."
"Hold on."
"Hey! Don't matter what it is. It looks wrong, it dies."
Wesley grabbed Gunn's arm to stop him. "Not 'til we find out.." Gunn grabbed Wesley's neck from behind. "Oh, quit it!" Wesley grabbed Gunn's ear.
"Oh, get off my.."
"Watch the arm. Watch the arm!"
"Aren't you gonna get in there and stop them?" Buffy asked Liam.
"It's about time the English got what's coming to them. I'm rooting for the slave."
Cordy broke the fight up. "Enough, ok. If head cheese here has a theory, then let's hear it."
"There are stories at the Watcher's Academy of a test. A secret gauntlet which only the most cunning can survive. You're locked in a house with a vicious, deadly vampire, and you have to kill him before he kills you. It's been done in the past with slayers." Wesley said.
"Slayer? The band?" Fred asked.
"No, it.. The point is: this could be a test.. the weapons, the maze-like locale, the innocent civilians, and the mysterious Karathmama..nyuhg demon. This is a test!"
"I ain't a civilian. I've been killing vamps since I was twelve." Gunn said.
"Which only supports my theory. You must be here in an advisory capacity."
"I think I'm here in a 'chop that green bitch's head off' capacity, and I don't give a damn about no test!"
"Are you always this grouchy?" Fred asked.
"Only when I wake up with a bunch of insane white folks trying to tell me what to do. The day I take orders from guys like you is the day I.. not even gonna happen."
"Keep explaining why we're not walking out that door?" Cordy said.
"Because they did something to us. They changed us." Liam said.
"You mean, this is about my hair?" Buffy asked.
"I sorta see his point. Not one of y'all looks exactly sixteen. It's like time's been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years." Fred said.
Everyone started inspecting their bodies. Liam looked Buffy up and down as she did the same to him. Cordy felt her breasts and moved them up and down. "I kinda have filled out even more." She said.
"And I apparently ain't gonna." Fred said.
"I feel cold.. inside." Liam said.
"This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom?!" Cordy asked.
"Oh my God! I still need a date!" Buffy said.
"What's a prom?" Liam asked her.
"It's this huge formal thing. You get all, like, dressed up and stuff and you go hang with your friends and dance and stuff."
"Oh! I like dances."
"Really? How do you look in a tux?"
"Tux?"
"Never mind. I think you'll look damn fine. Wanna go?"
"Could be that demon put a whammy on us." Gunn said, interrupting Liam's response.
"So, you think, if we kill this vampire, they take off the spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves?" Fred asked.
"And never see each other again?" Cordy asked.
"I believe we can all just go about our business." Wesley said.
"And never see each other again?"
"Great. So we go vamp hunting." Gunn said. He went to the weapons cabinet to select an axe. "This place looks pretty big. I say three groups."
"Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here." Buffy said, holding onto Liam. "We'll try the rooms."
Liam chose a sword for himself and picked up a stake for Buffy. She took it from him and they all split into their groups. Gunn and Cordy went together. Fred and Wesley went together. Liam and Buffy went together.
"We'll look downstairs, but remember, if you find the vampire, it is a vicious animal. Just try to draw it in toward us. Don't worry. We'll win this day, I assure you." Wesley said.
"I'm ready. I'm ok. Be cooler if we could score some weed, though." Fred said.
They all walked away and headed for their designated search areas.
