CHAPTER THREE: They always kill the cool guys!

Gollum rocks. There's no denying it. Gollum is the best character ever to be created for a book series. Only person better than Gollum is Ansem. ^_^

Lord of the Rings confuses me. The books gave me a headache and the movie doesn't make it better. And why the hell do they say "I am [insert male name here], son of [insert male name similar to first name here]" when introducing themselves??

Disclaimer? Dammit, go the chapter one!

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Riku awaited the bloody, horrible death that awaited him and Sora...

...but it never came.

"What the hell? Dammit, just hurry up and kill us!" Riku muttered. He opened one aquamarine eye and looked up, astonished.

A starry sky greeted him. Riku could smell gasoline, cheap Chinese food, and strong perfume all at once. It was nauseating. Very. Controlling the urge to rid his stomach of it's delicious contents, he pushed Sora off and shakily stood up.

"Where...where are we?" Riku wondered aloud. He looked up, and there was a swirling black portal, dark energy crackling in it, looming just over his head. It disappeared before Riku could get a better look.

"I'll be damned! A plothole!" Riku muttered. Sora opened his eyes and was instantly hit by 200 watts of neon light. It seemed that the nearby casino finally had it's lights fixed.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!! I'M BLIND!" Sora screeched, rolling around in immense PAIN. He hissed and sputtered madly, bumping into Riku's leg. Sora immediately held it in a death grip, and Riku took no notice, taking a step forward. He fell flat on his face, much to the amusement of two teenaged punks walking down the sidewalk.

"DORK!" One of them yelled, and he laughed heartily. Too bad he didn't see that Strike Raid coming... eep, those blood stains are so hard to clean...

"Thanks Sora." Riku smiled, handing back the Keyblade to it's befuddled master. Sora grabbed for it blindly, still utterly confused.

"I suppose we better find out where we are..." Riku muttered, and he prayed that this fic had nothing to do with the Secret Ending.

~~~~

"Dad, where are you going?"

Kairi had a tone of concern in her voice. Ansem had a flamethrower in one hand and a video camera in another.

"TO GET ME SOME RESPECT!" He angrily answered her. Pacing around the room, he continued on ranting.

"Too long have people been mocking me! First, they depict me raping Riku! I'm angry, but I say nothing. THEN, they start pairing me up with guys. I'm still pissed, but I say nothing. BUT THEN, THEY GET IT IN THEIR SMALL FEEBLE MINDS THAT I PLAY WITH BARBIES!! THIS IS IT! I'VE HAD IT!"

He took a deep breath, drank a glass of water that was conveniently placed on the table, and continued on his ranting tirade.

"WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE GET THE NOTIONS THAT I BUY BARBIES?? WHERE, KAIRI?? I HATE IT! I'M SICK OF IT! HELL, I DON'T EVEN GET RESPECT IN *THIS* FIC! I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

Kairi rose an eyebrow. "What, exactly?"

"BURN DOWN FANFICTION.NET!" Ansem cackled with much glee. He took another sip of the water, then lovingly patted his flamethrower, the familiar demonic glint in his eye. Kairi sighed, then decided perhaps it was best not to stop him. Property damage seemed to be his thing, and they could always plead insanity...

"Why the video camera?" She pointed to the cheap Sony model. Ansem held it up and flipped the screen so it was visible.

"I'm gonna videotape is BURNING! BURNING!" He continued to cackle, swinging his weapons of doom around and almost smashing the video camera to the wall. Kairi winced.

"But... wouldn't that make you easier to convict? That's some solid evidence..." Kairi pointed out, a little worried that insanity may not work this time.

"Naw, I'll be fine. The justice system here sucks, they still use Windows 95." Ansem reassured her. Humming "Simple and Clean", he gracefully opened the door and waltzed down to the Fanfiction.net HQ, where he would put an end to this madness.

~~~~

"D-E-L-I-N-G C-I-T-Y... De-leeng Ci..tee?" Sora carefully read, squinting his eyes to protect them from the merciless glare of the neon sign. Riku clapped.

"Good, Sora! Looks like Hooked on Phonics DID work for you!" Riku was proud. He always thought those stupid infomercials were a waste of time and money. Now he was proven wrong.

Meanwhile, while our heroes aimlessly walked around Deling City, Lance and Cloud finally figured out the way to travel to other worlds without the use of plotholes and gummi ships.

"New York Cabbies?" Lance repeated, raising an eyebrow. The attendant nodded.

"Yes, everyone uses them now. Very reliable, won't crash down and burn, or get shot, like gummi ships." She explained, flicking her brown bangs away from her face.

"Thank you Ms... uhhh..." Lance found her name tag, and quickly averted his gaze. Must they place them on the chest?? "Tara. Yeah, Ms. Tara. Two tickets, please." He dug into his pockets and pulled out a crumpled ten dollar bill. Tara handed him the tickets and started to dig through the cash register for change.

"Keep the change." Lance coolly informed her, and walked off, to the sugar-high Cloud.

"Didjagetthetickets??" Cloud chattered, talking at rates too high for a normal man. Then again, Cloud was anything but normal.

Lance stopped suddenly and eyed Cloud's clothing. It was a fine satin purple dress, with a red bow tied around the waist, the bow at the back. Cloud was also wearing a blonde wig, and smelled strongly like cologne.

"Good god, Cloud, what the hell are you wearing! You look like a girl!" Lance stepped back, in much fear.

"Do I look like a pretty girl?" Cloud asked, blinking cutely and giggling.

"HEY, HOT STUFF!" Some random fool shouted. He forgot the watch where he was going and tripped, falling on the tracks and soon getting run over by a soul-hungry train. Cloud giggled only more girlishly.

Lance fought the sudden urge to run. It did not good, and besides, he wasted ten bucks on two tickets anyway. He sat down on a nearby bench, covering his face with his hands.

"Why me?" He moaned.

~~~~

The mysterious Evil Magic Cauldron had returned once more, and this time, instead of a spiky-haired cross dresser, there was a young girl wearing a blue dress, glaring into the pot.

"So!" She spat, observing Lance and Cloud talking on the bench (or more of, Cloud trying to make conversation and Lance pretending that he didn't exist). "He thinks he will find the door without me?"

She stepped back and grabbed a black cloak, which fit her perfectly. It's hood shadowed her face, revealing only icy-blue eyes.

"No one dares defy me, Alice!" Alice spread her arms, and two red lightsabers appeared in each hand. Quickly, she left the scene, before George Lucas could come in and demand a lawsuit.

The author twitched more nervously now. Yes, deep shit she was in...

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Hey, I can't leave Alice out! She's just as important here as in the first story! And she has lightsabers because....well... there is a reason, but I can't tell yet. I prefer to call them "Dual blades of light", but all in all, they're still lightsabers.

And I might not update for a week or so, because my science project is due very soon (Jan 31), and my middle name is procrastination. I am pissed, but there is naught I can do. OK, where the hell did the word "naught" come in?? Did I even use that right??