CHAPTER FOUR: Hey! I know you!
For those who want to read Ansem's report 12 and 13, they can go here: http://www.neomidgar.com/kh/ansemsreports.shtml
On the side note, I think I can safely say that this chapter was influenced by Salvador Dali and other surreal artists. Whoo, go surrealism!
Blah blah blah blah Disclaimer blah blah blah blah chapter one blah blah blah...
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"Finally! Hollow Bastion!" Lance whooped, jumping up. He forgot that he was sitting in a small cab car and bumped his head on the roof. Cursing, Lance rubbed his aching head.
"OH MY LOVE, PLEASE DON'T CRY... I'LL WASH MY BLOODY HANDS AND WE'LL START A NEW LIFE..." Cloud loudly sang. The cab driver twitched, but reminded himself that if he murdered another customer, he'll get fired. Still, it was sooo tempting...
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! The author silently chanted. Lance found this odd, for if the author cannot make a cab driver kill Cloud even though she writes the story, does that mean the author is not omnipotent?
Lance pondered on this. The cab suddenly jerked to a stop and Cloud lost grip on his Vanilla Coke (BUY SOME! BUY SOME NOW!) and the delicious brown fattening sludge went splashing all over Lance.
"MOTHERFU-" He was about to scream, but a moogle plushie came flying out from nowhere and smacked him on the side of the head. Lance was so very confused. He angrily kicked the moogle aside. It landed near Cloud's feet with a thud.
"LANCE! Don't be mean to the moogle!" Cloud growled, hugging his new "friend". Lance shuddered and paid the disgruntled cab driver. Cloud jumped out, but tripped on his dress and fell into the strange water. Unfortunately, he did not drown.
"God, Cloud, do you have to wear that...thing?" Lance said in much disgust. Cloud stood up and stuck his tongue out at him.
"You're just jealous, because I'm a pretty lady and you aren't... wait... I CAN WALK ON WATER! I DEFY PHYSICS! WHOOO!" Cloud was running around now, infecting the once pure water with his stupidity. Lance was silently pleading with the author: DROWN HIM! DROWN HIM NOW! But as usual, the author ignored him.
"Come on, you transvestite freak, just fly me up to the castle!" Lance hissed, pointing to the old castle looming ahead. Unlike Sora, he wasn't blessed with "mad jumping skillz", as Sora fondly called it.
Cloud looked around, seeking out whom Lance had addressed.
"But Lance... Ansem isn't here!" Cloud pointed out.
"NOT HIM! YOU, IDIOT! FLY ME UP!" Feeling ready to kill, Lance suppressed the urge to grab the Masamune out from his invisible backpack and cut Cloud in two.
Cloud nodded, then grimaced in pain. A singly, bloody, black wing grew out of Cloud's shoulder, slowly and (yay!) painfully before completing the transformation. Testing out the wing, he zipped up and grabbed the unsuspecting Lance by the waist before lifting him up in the air.
Lance barely had time to gasp as he was pulled up, up, and into the Hollow Bastion airspace, which, unlike the White House, was not restricted and therefore would not be evacuated should a bird fly by it.
"Cloud, do you know where the library is?" Lance asked.
"Nope!" Cloud grinned stupidly. "I've only been there once! I-"
The rest of Cloud's response was interrupted by Lance's ear-shattering scream. The terrified singer covered his face. Cloud looked back up only to smash into a wall and fall down, crashing onto the space before the large, iron doors that guarded the entrance of Hollow Bastion.
Cloud, with his thick skull, turned out OK, but Lance... let's just say that I don't think human arms are supposed to bend that way.
"Hey, Lance! There's the entrance!" Cloud loved pointing out the obvious. Lance groaned in a mixture of pain and immense hate. Ignoring it, Cloud yanked Lance up and dragged him through the iron gates.
The castle, of course, laid untouched. In fact, the marks in the walls where Sora and Riku had a previous skirmish were still there. After the Heartless disappeared, the people were still not satisfied, as the castle was always boring, drafty, plus evil counterparts of Sora, Riku and Mickey were rumored to live there (well, not evil, but they loathed company due to reasons which will shortly be explained).
Of course, Lance did not know, and Cloud had all but forgotten, which is expected of him. So both were not to be welcomed warmly, perhaps...
Quick as a flash, a cloaked figure fell, landing in front of the pair in a graceful way. He had a blindfold on and shoulder-length silver hair. He got to his feet, and glared at them, or at least tried to.
"Why are you here?" He questioned.
"Ummm... I thought this castle was abandoned..." Lance muttered.
"Are you here to bug us about Deep Dive again?? We TOLD you people a million times, look for it on Kazaa or something, sheesh! Or better yet, buy a Jap PS2 and Final Mix, huh??" The figure ranted on.
"We're just here to use the...place...with...the...books....that...are...AAAAHHH! MY BRAIN HURTS!" Cloud grasped his head, in confusion and cursing his limited vocabulary. "I WANNA READ!" He whined.
The silver-haired man raised an eyebrow, or tried to, under that blindfold.
"Oh, is THAT it? Well, OK, hold on, we locked it... SORA! GIVE THESE GUYS THE KEY TO THE LIBRARY...and get the stupid one Hooked on Phonics while you're at it..."
At the silver-haired man's call, another cloaked figure shuffled on scene, knocking over a glass vase. He had a hood on, and there were brown bangs hanging to cover his eyes. He was carrying both the Oblivion and the Oathkeeper.
"Mickey got it, Riku." 'Sora' replied, waving the Oathkeeper around. It knocked off another vase. "Damn, stupid Keyblades, why the hell do they make 'em so damn long..."
"Mickey? I thought he had the key to the Pokemon room!" Riku said, ignoring the broken glass.
"Naw, we switched. I wanted to watch the second movie, but you called me, so here I am!" Sora explained, tapping the Oblivion against his leg.
"I see. Are you done? I wanna play Pokemon Stadium now."
"Whatever. I'm hungry." Sora handed the Oblivion Keyblade to Riku, all plain and non-flashy, unlike the Deep Dive movie.
"WHOO!" Riku swung it around happily, without a care for his or Sora's personal safety. Yay, carelessness! Riku suddenly remembered that they had guests.
"Oh yeah. Can you lead these guys to Mickey? Thanks, Sora!" Riku walked off, ignoring Sora's cries of protest.
"Lazy ass!" And with that final curse, Sora nodded to the confused dup. "Follow me. And DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING." He warned.
Lance and Cloud followed Sora up the stairs, through the middle door, and into an elaborate lift room that resembled that dreaded "Bevelle Cloister of Trials" that made FFX gamers not blessed with a strategy guide of some sort throw their controller against the wall in much fury.
Sparkling blue and red crystals held by pedestals were scattered all over the place, which were Lift points, Lance assumed. The lift itself was held by a blue energy stream which acted like elevator cable.
"Remember, don't touch the crystals. You might get lost." Sora warned again. He touched a red crystal with a gloved hand. Instead of reverting to a blue one, the crystal sparked angrily and a blue bolt zapped Sora's hand.
"AUGH!" Sora backed away and started ranting, using words that would make Eminem and Cid Highwind proud. He stared at his poor ruined leather glove, which burned to death to protect his precious hands. Oh, how Sora would miss that glove!
"Oh well." Sora took it off and tossed it in the abyss. It was magical, so it screamed.
"Yo, who these people?"
Yet ANOTHER dude wearing black showed up. Lance and Cloud's jaws dropped. Now this was unexpected... or maybe it was, due to the nature of this fanfiction.
The figure was Mickey himself. His black mouse eras were pierced with about 5 silver earrings on each side, glittering. There was enough "blingage" on him to rival that of Sora's (the real one, not the evil counterpart), and a marijuana joint was sticking out of his mouth. Drugs are BAD, kids, look what it did to Mickey!
"Ah! Mickey!" Sora greeted the king, not surprised to the least about Mickey's appearance. It seemed to be the norm.
"M-Mickey?" Lance stammered. "Like, is that you?"
"Hell yeah!" The mouse grunted, exhaling a lot of smoke as he talked. The smoke started filling the room and Cloud started gasping for air, his eyes watering. He rolled and convulsed on the ground, begging for fresh air, but no one noticed (or cared).
"Dude, these guys want the key to the library." Sora told Mickey, gesturing to Lance and the now unconscious Cloud.
:OK... Just as long as they don't set it on fire like the last time." Mickey agreed, getting out his invisible backpack (those are so darn useful!) and pulling out the Kingdom Key, except it had a silver handle and a gold blade. He handed it to Lance, again in a plain and uncool manner.
"Mickey, you ass, YOU set the library on fire last time! And what the hell is up with the lift crystals?" Sora ranted on, seemingly enraged by Mickey's drugged stupor.
"...What?" Mickey strode forward, to the haywire crystal, which was changing rapidly from red to blue, red to blue. Mickey examined it, then snapped stained, yellow fingers.
"Those damn fairies are up to their tricks again!" Mickey complained. He and Sora nodded.
"MATRIX MODE!"
With that, they started running up walls, doing elaborate flips and grabbing auxiliary Keyblades (Metal Chocobo and Lionheart), throwing them in the air and finally looking cool. Yay for Deep Dive!
Shrugging, Lance stuck the Keyblade in his invisible backpack and dragged Cloud back to the Entrance Hall, to find the library and get the hell out of there before they start getting evil counterparts of their own.
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Back in Deling City, which was evil counterpart-free, Riku and Sora were wandering around, finally stopping at a random park bench which, like other things in the story, popped out from nowhere.
"Riku, I've been thinking..." Sora mused aloud. Riku's head snapped up. Sora thinking? That was something new!
"If Deling City is always dark, then does that mean someone made the moon freeze right on this very spot so that it's always night here and day or dusk in other places?"
The bench suddenly reared back and gave a loud roar before galloping away, with out terrified heroes still on it. Throwing all dignity out the window, Riku squealed like a little girl and locked his arms around Sora's waist.
"SORA! SORA, THE BENCH IS MOVING! AAAAAAHHHHH!!"
"WHEEEEE!! GO HORSY!" Sora cheered, throwing his arms in the air and enjoying every minute of it. Riku only cried harder and held on for his dear life as the bench galloped through Desling City at alarmingly fast speeds.
Other things in Deling City were changing as well. Trees started walking around and chainsawing people in half, clocks were melting and made useless, buildings jumped around and tries to crush the cars that were rallying, holding up signs which read: SAVE THE RAINFOREST! Everything looked like Salvador Dali re-painted the world on a canvas.
"Sora!? What's going on??" Riku cried pitifully. He looked up to the sky and gasped in both horror and astonishment, as the sky turned blood red and started raining software, ranging from Paintshop Pro 7 to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
"I dunno, Riku... But I got Microsoft Works!" Sora cheered, holding up the CD. "Hey! It's an oxymoron!"
The bench stopped suddenly and cowered. Sora and Riku looked to find the source of the bench's fear, and found it. They, as if on cue, gasped.
Alice was sitting on a shiny golden throne, unfazed by the mass insanity and chaos that had been unleashed. She was carefully sipping some Vanilla Coke (BUY IT! BUY IT!), handed to her by a giant platter of Jell-O.
"Alice? Do you know what's going on? It's scaring Riku..." Sora asked, greeting Alice as if she was an old friend and not a crazed pre-teen who tried to kill him at one point.
"Very well." Alice grinned, setting the Vanilla Coke down (you know you want some...). "I shall tell you..."
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"WHAT'S GOING ON??"
For the sixteenth time that day, Ansem was being shaken by a random stranger. This random stranger had white hair, but was not evil, and was wearing a red coat. He had two burritos in his gun holsters and a giant spork where a sword was supposed to be.
"I WAS JUST GOING AROUND KILLING DEMONS AND CRAP WHEN THEY STARTED GOING OFF ABOUT EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMMING... AND THEN, MY SWORD AND GUNS GOT TURNED INTO THESE!! OH, ALASTOR! SPEAK TO ME!" The half-demon cried, grabbing the Giant Spork and sobbing.
Ansem just pulled away. He was confused too. He was at FF.net, ready to burn it down, when all of the sudden, they announced that they would allow NC-17 content back on the web. Then, it just suddenly collapsed, and here he was in the Esthar Airstation, along with a dozen others refugees from other games.
He sank into a chair, worried sick about Kairi. He considered her a daughter now, and really cared for her safety. Putting his face in his hands, he shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts.
"Hey, you Ok?"
Ansem turned his head to see a man with short black hair, a black coat, and gray pants. He had an invisible backpack filled with weapons of mass destruction, and he had the look of an experienced criminal.
"Oh... My daughter, I'm worried about her." Ansem muttered.
"Ahhh... well, I'm kinda glad to be here, something really went wrong in my nice violent world..." The guy said. "What's your name?"
"Ansem. You?"
"They call me the GTA3 Guy. I like to call myself Dude. Call me whatever you wish." The GTA3 Guy, or Dude, answered, lighting up a cigarette.
"What went wrong in your world?" Ansem asked. Perhaps this could take his mind off Kairi. "Did they start talking about peace on earth?"
"Nope. Law-enforcement system became like the one in the real world. I was about to get the Death Penalty, but human rights activists started attacking the place. Next thing ya know, I'm here." Dude shrugged, exhaling more foul smoke. Ansem ignored it.
"Hmmm. That's good..." Ansem stared out to the clear blue sky. What had happened that made characters from different companies start appearing? The Heartless only attacked Square and Disney worlds in fear of the awesome powers of copyright laws, but this... this was truly...insane...
"Could they have the author's weakness?" Ansem whispered in fear.
"ALASTOR!" The demon cried. "SPEAK TO MEEEEEE!
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The No-Study game is much fun. ^_^ I was supposed to be studying, but I ended up writing THIS instead. I had much fun.
For those who don't know, Deep Dive is the ending secret movie in Final Mix. There has been so many requests for it on GameFaqs, and a large amount of topics on the KH board talks about Deep Dive. I just had to use it ^_^ AUGH! THAT FACE! IT HAUNTS ME....
