CHAPTER EIGHT: Hey, she's not dead!

Linnet's Hologram: Daaaaahhh... my dad is also a writer, and now that his dumb book is being published, he hogs the computer 24/7!! I WANT TO WRITE TOO, YOU KNOW???

Lance: To help you try and understand this sad excuse for literature, here is where everyone is currently at:

Unknown Ansem, Alice, Lance and Cloud=Secret Plothole

Unknown Sora, Unknown Riku and Unknown Mickey=Lost somewhere in chapter, as HB got destroyed.

Kairi, Aerith, Sephiroth, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, Leon and Yuffie=Destiny Islands

Ansem=Esthar Airstation

Riku, Sora, Shroom and S.S. Eya Prozac=Random Plothole (different from 'Secret Plothole')

Rufus.exe and Chibi-Auron=Random Plothole, will leave to search story some more

Linnet=???

Cloud: ... I like pink. *sniff* AERITH!! WHY'D YOU GO??

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Rufus stretched out his cyborg limbs in both boredom and annoyance. Auron had been attempting to communicate with Shroom. He wasn't having the best of luck either, but the poor muse was getting desperate.

"HAVE... YOU...SEEN...AUTHOR?" Chibi-Auron loudly pronounced, holding up a picture of the author. Upon seeing the picture, poor Shroom squeaked in fear and then promptly fainted.

"Shroom? Wow, what happened to you?" Sora's voice was filled with concern as he ran toward the unconscious Heartless. "You look like you saw a..."

Sora then made the unfortunate mistake of looking at the picture of Linnet. His face paled considerably with fear. He tried to scream, he tried to warn Riku not to look, he tried to say something, but fear had a strong grip on his vocal cords and it would not let go.

"Sora? Shroom? Really, what the he... OH MY GOD, WHAT THE 7 BLASPHEMOUS HELLS IS THAT THING??" Riku swore, stepping back and diving behind the sleeping bench, shivering in fear. Sora grabbed Shroom and crawled back with Riku in a hurry.

"Dude, she's not THAT ugly..." Chibi-Auron huffed, staring at the picture. "Well, these morons won't help, let's go, Rufus..."

The android gave a rare smile and nodded. The two impatient muses turned and ran down the plothole, making a left, and leaving the two scared boys (and Heartless) behind.

"R-Riku? I-I think they're gone..." Sora babbled, too scared to look.

"I hope so... Is that... that thing really the author of this story?"

~~~

Alice stopped dancing around for a minute and frowned.

"I don't know why, but I have the strongest desire to kill Riku and Sora..."

~~~

"Riku! Don't say that, she'll... she'll..." Sora trailed off, not wanting to think what the author could do to the poor boys. After all the crazy stuff she had done now, killing off the two main characters wasn't any different.

Eya stirred slightly, and gave off a creaking noise. It shakily stood up and shook itself, feeling energized and ready to go places. It creaked happily at the sight of it's two masters and their little... Mushroom... friend... thing...

"Yay! Eya woke up! Now we can get out of here!" Sora cheered, grabbing Shroom (who was still in shock) and jumping on the poor bench. Eya gave an angry creak, but patiently waited for Riku to get on.

"To Destiny Islands!" Riku pointed forward. The Traverse Town battle music played loudly as the bench sped down the plothole, going through the rampaging Hexadragon from chapter seven.

"DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I BE A REAL DRAGON?" The Hexadragon sobbed, crashing into yet another wall.

~~~

"Selphie... Selphie, something's wrong..."

Selphie stayed behind her shrub, still cowering. That voice... it sounded oddly like Tidus, yet older... and somewhat girlish. Was he really Tidus?

"Wakka, where's... DUDE! I HIT PUBERTY! ALL RIGHT!"

Tidus examined his reflection on a nearby puddle, pleased with this fact. No longer was he a mere shrimp with a plastic red pipe! No, now he was a teenaged jerk with pecs and really weird clothing. He was still wearing the pants and the shirt, but now he had a tacky pair of denim suspenders with it and odd looking yellow sneakers.

"Dear god... Tidus! Dude, me too, ya? I even got the Jamaican accent back!" Wakka happily responded. He too was wearing pretty much what he had in Destiny Island. Wakka felt his face, and grinned.

"Dude, Selphie, you come out too! Are you older?" Tidus called out. Selphie stepped out, wearing boots instead of sandals. She wasn't wearing anything all that different either, but she definitely was older.

Selphie admired her new get-up and realized that she was no longer holding a jump rope/lethal weapon. No, now she was holding a nunchuck-type weapon, though it really looked like a set of red and blue sporks to her. Oh well. Sporks are good.

Tidus, on the other hand, had a very beautiful blue blade. The blade appeared to be made up of crystallized water, if that was even possible. Wakka stared at his weapon, which remained a plain blue blitzball.

"Heeeey? How come you guys have new weapons, ya?" Wakka whined, looking at the other two's weapons with envy.

"Quiet! No complaining, we have to figure out what happened!" Tidus snapped, staring at his new weapon in confusion.

"Hey..." Selphie suggested. "If WE grew up, what happened to the adults on this island...?"

~~~

"AAAAAAHHHH!! KAIRI?? SWINCE WHEN DID YOU GROW 5 FEET TAWWAR?"

Sephiroth stared up at Kairi in shock. She got... taller? Sephiroth also realized that his voice was squeakier than normal, and had a somewhat childish accent to it.

"Um, Sepheewoth? I don't tink Kairi got bigger, I tink we got smawwer..." Aerith answered. Aerith indeed looked younger. Her eyes were really big and deep; one could drown just looking in their green depths. She also took on a childish appearance.

"Awwww, Uncle Sephy, you look so cute!" Kairi gushed, bending down and petting Sephiroth on the head. The One Winged Angel knocked away her hand in annoyance.

"WHADDYA MEAN I WOOK CUTE?? I'M NOT SUPPOSTA WOOK CUTE! I'M SUPPOSTA BE EVIL!" Sephiroth ranted, stomping around. He tripped on his black leather coat and fell, cursing loudly. Aerith growled and hit him on the head with the Princess Guard.

Kairi stared at the two chibis in confusement. They had come over to see how Kairi was doing, but they came as chibis! What did this all mean, she wondered... and is it good or bad?

~~~

"Six. There are six of them. Kefka, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, Kuja, Seymour and Ansem. We have Seymour and Ansem, we just need the other four, and we can open the Door to Insanity!"

Lance and Cloud slowly nodded, not really interested in what Alice had to say. Lance thought this was some cheap rip-off of the Kingdom Hearts plot. Honestly, couldn't she think of something better?

He slowly raised up a hand.

"Yes, Lance?"

"Alice, this sounds a lot like Kingdom Hearts. Why do we need villains now instead?" He hesitantly asked, eyes straying over to Ansem, who was trying to speak with a disgruntled Seymour.

"Because! All these villains are insanity incarnate! Kefka, Seph, the whole gang tried to overthrow the world because they were INSANE. That is the key." Alice patiently explained. "Also, we don't need their hearts as well. We just need their minds, that's why we don't have to track down Ansem's other half. Convenient, isn't it?"

Cloud also raised his hand. Knowing it was nothing good, Alice decided not to bother answering him.

"Very well, but are you sure there are six? Almost always, you need seven, four or ten of something..."

"There are six. I am 100% positive." Alice confirmed, a twinkle in her eye. She got to her feet and strode over to her captive victims, grinning happily.

"You... you wench! LET ME GO, DAMMIT!" Seymour screamed, wrestling against the chains that bound him to the bedpost. Ansem placed a hand on the Guado's shoulder and shook his head, indicating it would do him no good.

"Now, the next target is Sephiroth." Alice decided. Seeing Lance and Cloud's somewhat horrified looks, she smiled reassuringly. "I have already begun to screw up the plot there. Sephiroth and Aerith have been turned into chibis. I just want one of you to go in, snatch him, and get out before Aerith or Kairi can follow."

Lance marveled at the simplicity of the plan. All that was really left was how Alice managed to gain such amazing power. It was quite author-like. The worst part was... the author was doing NOTHING to stop this! What was going on?

"Ok then... so one of us gets a day off?" Lance smiled, relieved.

"Hell no! The other one will go to the Esthar Airport and get the other Ansem." Alice sneered.

"Hey! You said we didn't need..." The singer started to protest, but Alice raised a hand.

"I didn't say that the villains would still live after we have opened the door." She said, shortly and matter-of-factly. Audible gulps came from both Ansem and Seymour when they heard the news.

"Any questions?" She concluded.

Cloud waved his hand more wildly now, almost knocking over a china vase. Alice sighed and knew she was going to regret this.

"Yes, Cloud?"

"Where do babies come from?"

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Linnet's Hologram: I couldn't resist putting that in. It was just so random! Yes, it does seem like a Kingdom Hearts rip-off, but it'll make more sense later on... besides, this IS a Kingdom Hearts fanfic.

Seymour: You... you didn't tell me we had to DIE!

Linnet's Hologram: Quiet you...