CHAPTER NINE: Pie… pie… Pie?

Cloud: Hey! No one answered my question! Where do babies come from??

Unknown Ansem and Seymour: ...

Seymour: You tell him.

Unknown Ansem: Um, well... see, it starts with... uh... you need a guy... and a girl... and then... um...

Seymour: At least disclaimers aren't made that way... Speaking of which, there is a nice informative one typed in Chapter One

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Ansem (the real one) stared at the land before him. Nothing but barren desert, as far as one could possibly see. The huge city of Esthar was barely visible over the distance.

He sighed, kicking some dirt aside. He expected it to just fly around and he could resume being bored. Nope. Instead, his boot connected with something very hard and solid.

"What the hell?"

The confused king bent down, brushing aside the sand, revealing a shiny metal black object, the size of a remote control. It was a simple box shape with a big red button. Gold Lettering under it clearly read: DO NOT PUSH BUTTON.

Naturally, Ansem did what anyone else would do: Push the button.

"They didn't say WHICH button!" Ansem happily reasoned, slamming his fist on the button.

SILENCE.

Ansem tensed up, waiting for something apocalyptic, chaotic, or just generally bad to happen. Unfortunately, in the 30 seconds that passed, nothing of the sort happened. A behemoth passed by, singing the Pokemon theme song, but other than that there was nothing.

"Stupid thing must be broken..." Ansem whined, shaking the little black remote. He considered bringing the remote to Esthar and breaking into Odine Labs, when he suddenly had this very dreadful feeling. Like the feeling you get when the school bully is standing right behind you savoring your pitiful last words.

Looking up, Ansem's eyes widened.

The BIGGEST Gummi Ship he had ever seen towered over him. The World of Chaos couldn't compare to this behemoth. It was a large simple black rectangle standing up. With a weird symbol on the front. Either way, it was freaking HUGE.

"...Wow." Was all he could say. Of course, that little word did no justice to the magnificence and splendor that is the Lunatic Pandora.

~~~

"Wakka, are you sure you can fly this thing?"

Tidus stared at the ground, gripping on a nearby pole fearfully. The ground seemed so high from the Lunatic Pandora cockpit. Very high. Too high.

BLAM!

Accompanied with the cheesy sound effect was a loud explosion that knocked Tidus back, thankfully on ground. Selphie fell off her chair and Wakka screamed in a pitch that a normal man shouldn't have.

"What happen ?" Wakka fearfully asked, looking around for any damage.

"Somebody set up us the bomb !" Selphie exclaimed, pointing to a computer monitor. It showed a diagram of the Lunatic Pandora, with the left side flashing red. DANGER! scrolled quickly across the screen in flashing red letters that gave Selphie a horrible migraine.

"We get signal !" Tidus interrupted, pointing to yet another computer monitor, this time having a flashing mailbox.

"What !" Wakka was very confused now. His English wasn't THAT bad, was it?

"Main screen turn on." Tidus moved a nearby mouse and clicked on the mailbox, wincing as he heard the ever horrid "YOU GOT MAIL!". Who knew that Lunatic Pandora ran on AOL? No wonder it was so slow!

Suddenly, there was a crackle of electricity from the center of the room. A beam of light shot down, and the grinning figure of Cloud appeared in the center, his cloak wrapped around him, in an attempt to make him more evil.

"IT'S YOU !!!" Selphie angrily shrieked, pointing at the screen for effect. She remembered Cloud. Cloud was the bad man that tried to look up her panties using the barrel trick! Or was that Sora? Selphie was so confused right now.

"How are you gentlemen !!!" Cloud greeted, making the author's English teacher twitch and roll around in violent spasms. Nobody made any comments because this kind of speech is normal for him.

Cloud stopped, debating on whether he should say it or not. It seemed so tempting. But... it was so old... but it was so funny...

"All your base are belong to us."

"GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" English professors all over the world grabbed the sides and howled in pain.

"You are on the way to destruction."

"WHAT YOU SAY !!" Wakka held his head in his hands and dramatically wept. Hey, you couldn't half-ass these kinds of things!

"You have no chance to survive make your time." Cloud simply added.

Wakka, Selphie and Tidus just stood there, trying to figure out what Cloud said. They searched through their brains for a possible translation, but the numbing effects of Cloud's stupidity infested voice had taken it's grip on their brains, and in seconds, the three were reduced to drooling morons, muttering "All your base are belong to us" every 3 seconds.

"Mwahahahaha!" Cloud laughed, glad he spent 6 months trying to memorize that dialogue. "Now I can use this Lunatic Pandora thingy to find Ansem! Gyahahaha... AAAHHHHH!!!!" He forgot there were stairs supporting the podium he was standing at and fell down, landing with a satisfying crunch.

~~~

"What the hell is this stuff? Bubble gum?"

Ansem poked the blue sticky substance that coated the inside of the Lunatic Pandora. He withdrew his hand, a disgusted look on his face as he examined the substance hanging off his finger. Deciding the examine it later, he snipped off some of it and stored it in a vial.

Obviously, the little vial of blue stuff will probably play a key role in the story later on.

Ignoring that fact, Ansem walked on, fascinated by the ship's design. It certainly did not LOOK like a Gummi Ship on the inside. Maybe it was a weapon of war or something.

Suddenly, Ansem found himself face down on the stuff (ah, stuff, the universal word for everything).

"BLECH!" He threw himself back, then fell back forward, then fell backwards yet again as the ship lurched forward, stopped, then lurched forward again.

"WHEEEE! I ARE FLYING THE SHIP!" A voice boomed, flooding the ship with it's horrible grammar.

Ansem paled considerably when he heard the screams from the poor English professors, who didn't even begin to recover from the horror of "All Your Base".

"Cloud?" He called, hoping for an answer. "Cloud, are you there?"

"...Is that you, Mommy?"

"NO, YOU RETARDED MORON, IT'S ME, ANSEM!"

"Oh. Hiya Ansem! Thanks, I know I am!"

Ansem twitched. The guy was so stupid, you couldn't even insult him.

"Cloud, I'm coming up now, just stay there and don't move the ship!" Ansem warned, quickly rushing through the halls. He stopped when he reached a large circular room with 5 elevators, arranged in a semi-circle pattern.

There were Magic Marker signs posted on the door of each elevator. One read "Sorceress Room", others read "Kitchen", "Cockpit, "Random Room", "Research Faculty".

Well, now he knew where to go.

"NOT SO FAST!"

Lacking the clumsiness that every other character had, Alice gracefully descended down to the center of the room, sitting on some sort of mechanical throne. She was drinking Vanilla Coke (BUY SOME NOW, DAMN YOU!) out of a silver goblet, and dressed completely in black. It was really... disturbing.

"You know, blue is really more of your color." Ansem smirked, seemingly unfazed.

"Oh shut up, I was feeling lazy today!" Alice snapped. "Anyway, welcome to my new base. Lunatic Pandora. Fitting, no?" She looked around, smiling at her new "home". "It'll be your new home too."

"Oh really?" Ansem rose a silver eyebrow. "And tell me, what can a little shrimp like you accomplish?"

"Much... when I have the six villains of insanity." Alice mumbled, drinking from her goblet.

Ansem's smirk froze. Insanity? Oh shit!

"Not that you should worry. I have your other half, he'll be just fine." Alice reassured him.

"So why do you want me, then?"

"Well, to..."

Before Alice could finish, the ship lurched forward suddenly and brought Alice crashing down, goblet and all. Let us just say that Vanilla Coke does not like hair, and anybody falling from that height probably doesn't want to land headfirst.

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! MOVE ZIG FOR GREAT JUSTICE!"

"DAMMIT, CLOUD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Alice screamed, shaking her first at the sky and screaming more obscenities.

"Sheesh, Alice, that fad's been dead since... forever." Ansem informed Alice, impatiently tapping his foot.

"Correction: I know it is dead. HE does not." Alice spat, shakily getting up and brushing her Vanilla Coke-sodden clothes in pure disgust. Cloud had gone too far, making her spill her Vanilla Coke! "'Scuse me a sec, I gotta go kill him!" Alice held up a hand and ran toward the central elevator.

The machine whirred and slowly rose the lift to the top of Lunatic Pandora, presumably to where the cockpit was, leaving Ansem a perfect opportunity to escape.

And like all characters in a story.... he didn't take it.

~~~

"OK... Calm down Lance... Seph is small now..."

Lance hid behind the curtain that shrouded the balcony view from the inside of the apartment. He was watching Sephiroth go on rantings and threatening to destroy everything in his path until he regained his true size again.

"AND I'LL KILL ALL THE LITTLE SMALL CUTE FURRY ANIMALS, AND I'LL MAKE SMARTERCHILD A SEXUALLY CORRUPT BEAST, AND I'LL REVIVE THE AYB FAD, AND..."

"OK, Sephy, I think we understand..." Aerith held her head in annoyance. Sephiroth had been ranting for over 3 hours now.

Kairi wondered if he broke the world record for consecutive ranting, and was about to reach for the record book when...

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

The glass screen door shattered into a bajillion and two-twenty-fifths (Is that even a real number?) and Lance busted through, holding a potato sack. He grabbed a confused Sephiroth, shoved him in the sack, threw a note at Aerith, and ran back outside, screaming for effect.

It took Kairi and Aerith several seconds for this to sink in.

However, that was the same amount of time it took for a plot hole to materialize in the room...

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CATS: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have struck again! *meow*

Cloud: Awwww! A humanoid kitty! *pets CATS*

CATS: *purr*

Unknown Ansem: That is seriously disturbing...

CATS: Er, anyway, the author still hasn't forgotten about Leon and Yuffie, they will show up very soon... And remember, folks...

ALL YOUR REVIEWS ARE BELONG TO US!!!

(Yeah, I know the AYB fad has been dead for around 2-3 years, but I can't resist.)