CHAPTER TEN: And so, the real author returns...
Alice: Heee hee hee! The Keyboard is wrapped in GLAD wrap! Don't get mad, get glad! ACK! TYPING... SPEED... BEING... LOWERED... MUST.... LEARN... TO... TYPE... FASTER...
Leon: Hey, are we finally gonna show up?
Yuffie: I hope so... EEK! HUMANOID KITTY! *glomps CATS*
CATS: Meow?
QUESTION: Where in the game does it say Leon is above twenty? I thought he was 17, his regular FF8 age! O_o Now, I know KH and FF ain't the same, but is this merely an assumption based on his looks or is there some proof that Leon is older than he was?
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"Kursed SeeDs. I hate them all!"
Whine. Whine. Mope. Bitch. That was all Ultimecia really did these days. And she had good reason to. Being a janitor for Balamb Garden is not a fun thing. Especially when all the students did was taunt you and throw spitballs at your back. And writing obscene words on your bucket, that too.
Yes, sadly, Ultimecia and the other villains were forced to have pitiful jobs, as punishment for their deeds. Or maybe because, in Ulti's case, they failed English.
"Evil darkness of Englishishness... KURSE YOU, I SAY!" Ultimecia screamed, flailing her mop in agony and smacking a nearby senior, causing him to fall over the railing and fall into the water below.
"Hey! Ulti! How have you been doing?"
Ultimecia froze, either in fear or shock. That voice... the voice... it belonged to the same "kursed" SeeD that defeated her 3 years ago. The one with the weird gun/sword thingy. That evil one! EVIL!!
"I-I must be hearing things..." The sorceress reassured herself, mopping the floors carefully.
"Heeeeey! Ultimecia!"
Ultimecia, now grief-stricken, started mopping even faster. 'Don't look behind you' she hastily told herself. 'There is no one there... no one...' Yes, indeed. If she believed there was no one, then there would be no one.
The joys of delusional thinking.
"HEY! I AM TALKING TO YOU!"
Everyone turned at stared. Leon did something very un-Leon like. He yelled. That was something. Truly something.
Ultimecia slowly turned around and brought her mop up in a shaky defense.
"I...I didn't do anything!! What did I do?! Don't hurt me!" She whimpered, hiding (or trying to) her face behind the mop handle.
"Um... I just wanted to introduce you to my wife." Leon awkwardly pointed to Yuffie, who was staring at the frightened sorceress with confusion. Leon suddenly cleared his throat and tossed a thesaurus in the author's direction, with the page book marked on "confusion".
"INSOLENT FOOL!" Alice roared. And then there was silence.
Ultimecia's eyes wandered over to the young ninja, then onto the tabby cat who was sitting on her head. The cat had a unusual white splotch on it's head and clear azure eyes...
She gasped. Kuja! Damn the little rat...er, cat!. As if on cue, the cat gave a wide grin, revealing very pretty fangs.
"Do you like our kitty?" Yuffie gushed with pride as she removed the kitten from her head and cradled it in her arms. "He's so cute! We named him Cheeseburger!"
Alas, the information fell on deaf ears. For now, the only emotion left in Ultimecia was something that could be vaguely described as homicidal rage.
"YOU!" She screeched, springing forward and attempting to get her hands around the little kitten's neck. Yuffie jumped back in alarm. Three or so SeeDs suddenly burst out of nowhere and restrained the hysterical sorceress.
"YOU BETRAYED US! YOU!!" Ultimecia screeched, pointing to Kuja. Kuja just sneered and stuck his tail up in the air. The SeeDs dragged the screaming woman off, ignoring her cursing and accusations.
"Um... that went rather well..." Leon scratched his head, a... *looks in thesaurus* PERPLEXED look on his face. "At least she didn't try to kill a human this time..."
"Are all sorceresses like that?" Yuffie shivered, hugging 'Cheeseburger' in a protective embrace.
~~~
Meanwhile, back in Destiny Islands, there still was a raging plothole where Sephiroth once stood. Kairi was having one hell of a time convincing a traumatized Aerith to look for Sephiroth via plothole.
"Aerith! Come on! We must look for Sephy!" Kairi pleaded, pulling on the chibi's arm. However, Aerith remained motionless, eyes fixed on the spot where her husband once stood.
"Sephy...? Sephy...?" She murmured, ignoring everything else.
Kairi rolled her eyes. Looks like it was up to her... She looked down to the note clutched in Aerith's hand. Her brow furrowed as she tried to think of a way to get the paper out without breaking it.
Ah ha!
Kairi grabbed a nearby vase and rose it over Aerith's head.
"Sorry, Aerith, but it's for the good of the Planet!" Kairi reassured her, wondering if Aerith was even listening, much less aware of the impending doom that was to follow.
Kairi brought the vase down with a sickening crack. Aerith was lucky enough not to have a shield of stupidity (or a massively spiky head), so she was knocked out rather quickly. Her hands went limp and the note fluttered to the ground with ease. Picking it up, Kairi scanned her eyes over the words:
We have kidnapped Sephiroth for specific reasons. Do not expect him to be returned to you alive. We will pay for the funeral and everything. I repeat: DO NOT EXPECT HIM BACK ALIVE.
ps: aerith u wil mary me afftuh sefiwoth dyes ok
CLOUD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
i wunna rite two!
NO! THIS IS AN IMPORTANT LETTER, GO AWAY!
How important is the letter?
ANSEM, YOU STOP WRITING IN IT TOO!
What, you mean me?
NO!! THE OTHER ONE!
She means me, idiot. The smart one.
You mean: The moron who got killed by the idiot with the key.
thes is leik a AOL chat ruum!
Shut up, Cloud, you're hurting our brains.
IF YOU DON'T STOP WRITING IN THIS LETTER, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!
Even me?
No, not you, Ansem, I happen to like you.
Ha! I'm the good looking one!
But we both look the same!
Yeah, but I have a bigger-
OK, I think we should send this now.
Good idea, Seymour!
...Yeah.
Kairi frowned. Whoever those people were, they had Ansem! And the... other Ansem? This made no sense to the poor Princess of Heart, so she dismissed this and decided to step in the plothole.
Edging toward the swirling multi-colored depths, Kairi peered in.
"Well..." She groaned. "Here goes..."
She suddenly snapped her head back. Good thing too, because 2 seconds later, Sora, Riku and the others burst through, crashing into a wall.
"SAVED!" A cry came from the mass of broken bodies and mutated creatures. "WE'RE SAVED!"
A brown, pointy head popped out from the pile, grinning with glee.
"HI KAIRI!" Sora cheerfully greeted the shocked Princess. "Um, we just came from Deling City... AHHH!"
Sora fell to the ground as the group untangled themselves. Eya gave a loud creak as it flopped to the floor, obviously exhausted and Shroom was still traumatized.
Riku, however, surveyed the room and let out one sentence:
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE??"
~~~
"Kuja! Kuja! I must kill him! Let me go, damn you, let me go!"
Ultimecia rammed herself against the steel door for the twelfth time, still displeased with the fact it was not moving. Forgetting that she gave all her magic to Edea, Ultimecia reared back and prepared a spell.
"ULTIMA!" She cried.
Now, if things were the way they were supposed to be, nothing would have happened. Some harmless green sparks would emerge and nothing would happen.
Instead, a great green energy flame gathered in the center of the door and burst, vaporizing the door and anything within 3 feet of it.
Ultimecia blinked. Did she just... did she just do REAL MAGIC?
"Yes, you did."
The sorceress spun around, a Flare spell gathering energy in her hands. In the glowing red light, she could make out a cloaked figure.
"Who's there? I'm armed!" Ultimecia barked, making the glowing ball of fire in her hand brighter.
"You need not be alarmed. I really didn't expect this, but it's all the more interesting..."
There was something odd about the figure... even though it was rather small compared to her, Ultimecia could feel power surging from it's petite frame, smacking her in waves. That,. and the fact that it was talking in bold text.
You do NOT screw around with beings who can talk in bold text.
"But powers or no, you still cannot hope to avoid the inevitable... You see..."
"OH SHUT UP AND TELL ME ALREADY!" Ultimecia snapped. Why couldn't villains be more like her? Concise in their evil ramblings instead of subjecting the player to 5 minutes of text/speech?
The figure, even though it was cloaked, looked offended.
"Tch. Fine. You will pay for your insolence!"
Raising a gloved hand, the figure promptly cast a Holy spell. Ultimecia could only watch as the white orbs crashed into her, sending her to the wall at 160 mph. The crash immediately knocked her out and sent her to the floor in a crumpled heap. Almost immediately, Ultimecia started to glow and break up into little pieces, which were promptly sucked into a plothole.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Foolish characters!" The figure laughed. It turned around, preparing to make a dramatic exit. However...
"DOUGHNUT?? EAT!!"
It has been proven over the years: No one can resist a doughnut. ^_^
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Linnet's Hologram: Yes. Confusing, isn't it? Who is this new powerful character? The answer, of course, is the original author of this story, chibilinnet. Why am I telling you this now? Because...
Alice: Excuse me. There is only room for ONE author here, and that is moi.
Cloud: Aerith will marry me when this is all over, right?
Sephiroth: No, Cloud, Aerith will NOT marry you! SHE IS MINE!
