CHAPTER ELEVEN: I HAVE HTML SKILLS!!! I HAVE HTML SKILLS!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Thanks to htmlgoodies.com, I know how to make frames and such. Now... maybe... just maybe... Ansem can have his very own shrine!!! :) *Joygasms*
Blah. Hopefully this won't deter me from my writing.
Disclaimers have been taken care of. Chapter one, please
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"Say what?"
Kairi rolled her eyes. That was the seventh time Riku asked her to repeat it.
"No, I still don't like Legend of Zelda. Will-"
"SAY WHAT?! Zelda pwns j00!" Riku hotly shot back, angry that Kairi would not accept it. Odd that Riku was a Nintendo fanboy, but that's the way things worked out.
"CAN I JUST TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!" Kairi screamed, all sanity and patience gone out the window and into some river, going down the mighty river and emptying into the ocean, where it would float endlessly until bumping into a coastal beach where little kids would poke at it and push their friends into it like the little morons they are, and-
"OK, WE GET THE VISUAL METAPHOR..." Kairi rudely interrupted. Alice looked offended and decided to have Kairi die some horrific death.
Unfortunately, both Alice and chibilinnet were afflicted with the dreaded... COLD. Yes, the EVIL cold virus, that has so much evil that even the Devil itself fears it!! So Alice was too miserable to inflict death and doom on Kairi and chibilinnet to angry to stop it.
"Hmph." Both authors scowled and resumed writing.
"Well, whatever." Kairi huffed, glad that was over. "Riku, your parents came here and for some reason they... they were chibi! It was really insane! Then some weird guy busted in, kidnapped Chibi-Seph, and threw this equally weird note at Aerith..."
Kairi handed the letter to Riku, who read it, face showing utter... CONFUSION!
"THESAURUS!" Leon yelled from Chapter Ten.
Ignoring him, Riku looked back at his sleeping, er, knocked out mother. He gestured over to her, obviously asking what happened.
"Uh, she was kinda losing it, so I had to knock her out. Sorry." Kairi sheepishly explained. "It's all for the greater good." She rationalized to herself and Riku, mostly to herself. Rationalizationj00... whatever that means. ANYWAY...
"Kairi, why is Aerith knocked out?" Sora asked, oblivious to everything around him.
"Sora, be quiet and rid is of your stupidity!" Kairi screamed, sick of the mass stupidity this fic is based on.
Sora whimpered and hid behind Riku. It was sad. Riku sighed and petted Sora's head, whispering nice comments to boost Sora's already to high self-esteem. Kairi rolled her eyes in much disgust.
"Riku, you baby him too much." She pointed out.
"No I do not!" Riku objected.
While Kairi and Riku were arguing about the proper way to raise Sora, Shroom and Eya were still hiding somewhere in the corner. Eya was looking at Shroom poking the little mushroom to see if it was still alive. Shroom, however, was still in shock after seeing the horror that is Linnet. Of course, Linnet was merely a separate entity that chibilinnet used to shamelessly insert herself in fanfictions, but she was ugly nonetheless.
"Creak?" Eya poked Shroom on his red cap again, waiting for a response.
"..."
"Creeeeaaakk." Eya was growing impatient now. Surely this picture could not be that bad, could it? Then again, Eya was a bench.
"..."
"GOBBEDLYGOOK!" Eya roared. Now, to a regular human, that just sounded like gibberish. But that was the sound benches made when they roar. Oh yes, benches roar from time to time. Such noble creatures benches were.
Shroom was snapped from his trance and fell over, his little capped head protecting what little brains were in there. Shroom then blinked and cheerfully waved to Eya as if nothing ever happened.
"Meeeep. Mip mip meep." Shroom squeaked. What are the humans doing??
"Creak. Creakity creeeeeeaaakkk..." Arguing about parenting issues. The red one says the silver haired one is babying the stupid one.
"Mip. Meep, Meepity meeep mep?" Oh. Hey, where are we? This doesn't look like a plothole...
"Creaaak. creeek Creak Creakity." We have escaped. Fresh air is good.
Shroom surveyed the room. Sure enough, the red one and the silver-haired one were arguing, the stupid one was cowering behind the silver-haired one, and there was...
!!!
"MEEP MEEP!' The Pink One!
It would be a good time to backtrack on some Heartless history.
Now, the Heartless, or at least most of them, were created by Ansem. Back then, Ansem originally created the Heartless as a tool of revenge so he could destroy Sephiroth. Before the Heartless could actually finish the job, Aerith jumped to Sephiroth's aid. Naturally, Ansem was forced to call them off, so the Heartless thought of Aerith as "The Pink One", the mighty goddess that even their creator feared (actually, Ansem has a soft spot for Aerith, even though he won't admit it).
So, Shroom was raised on the belief to fear the Pink One. Now that he actually saw the legendary Pink One in the flesh, he didn't expect her to be so... small?
"Creak? Creeaaakity creek?" Eya questioned, looking at the 'Pink One'. The Pink One? What's so important about her?
Shroom pointed to the handy above paragraph, as the authors was too lazy to write out words that have 'meep' in them.
"We have to rescue my dad!" Riku decided, as the scene shifted back to the teenage group.
"Alright, but I'm coming along. I'm sick of you getting all the glory." Kairi stubbornly insisted. Damn it, this time she would NOT be dead weight.
The three teens looked into the swirling depths in the plothole. It was time to go cross-chapter traveling again.
~~~
"Hey, this really ain't bad!"
Ansem leaned back, resting against the velvet chair that Alice gave him. She treated him rather well compared to the rest of the prisoners.
Unknown Ansem glared at his other half in contempt. Life was never fair, was it? Obviously, HE was the superior half, not his pathetic excuse for a heart! Seymour and Sephiroth also had great feelings of hatred directed toward the king.
"It's not fair!" Seymour sniffed (does he have the cold too?!). "I'm the miserable pathetic Guado half-breed! Alice should be treating ME with respect!"
"Shut the hell up!" Chibi-Sephiroth snapped. "No one wants to hear you whine, you attention whore!"
This sure shut Seymour up. He muttered something about calling forth Mommy when he had his powers back. This got Sephiroth curious. He looked over to Unknown Ansem, who was re-reading Chobits for the seventeenth time.
"Chobits? That looks gay!" He smirked, feeling very ruthless and cruel today.
Unknown Ansem shrugged, looking out from the top of the book.
"It's full of swearing and it's the closest to porn you can get here. Leave me alone."
And then there was silence.
The villains all shifted uncomfortably. They were not used to being silenced. They were ALWAYS talking, bragging, and insulting someone. It was a fact that villains DO NOT like to be silenced. What a talkative bunch. But now, the silence filled the air with uneasiness.
More silence.
More.
Seymour's sensitive ears faintly picked up someone shouting and screaming. He frowned, and pressed his ear closer to the wall.
"What's up?" Ansem asked.
"Ssh!" Seymour pressed his ear further into the wall. He could only make out the screaming--the rest was mumbled quietly.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T FIND ULTIMECIA??!"
"She ... at Gard... gone... don... kno..."
"WELL, FIND HER, DAMMIT!"
"Not any... I said she ... gone!"
"HUH? ... You mean, nowhere in ...misis..?"
"Tha... what I sa...d.. I think chib... is back."
The conversation soon became very hushed. Grinning, Seymour gave the thumbs-up to his fellow prisoners.
"They can't find Ulti. I don't think they managed to nab Kefka and Kuja either. And they said something about... I dunno, chibi-something being back." Seymour happily reported. Relieved looks flooded over all their faces.
"That's great." Chibi-Sephiroth stroked the blade of his Masamune. "We have extra time to bust out of here."
The villains knew this was not a time to see who was the strongest. It was not a time to see who was more kick-ass. It was not a time to see who had a bigger fan army. It was a time for them to work together, if they ever planned to get out alive.
That is, assuming they do not kill each other first.
~~~
"OOOOOOH... WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"
Kefka gleefully sang the words to his favorite show. It was nice of them to put a TV in this nice padded room... with his nice jacket that seemed to love him because it was hugging him so tight... and the men in white coats even gladly changed the channel for him!
Speaking of men in white coats, one stepped in the room right now, carrying a glass of water in one hand and a small paper cup filled with pills in another.
"OK, Kefka..." Zidane sighed. "It's time to take your medicine now..."
"MEDICINE? YAY!!" Kefka jumped (or tried to, anyway). He loved taking the pills. They tasted goooood...
"Calm down Kefka. Remember, DRINK pills this time..." Zidane instructed the maniac. How did he ever become an asylum worker? Madness, he thought!
From outside the room, looking from the bulletproof window, Garnet waved at her boyfriend. Zidane caught sight of her and waved, forgetting that he had the cup of water in his one hand...
"CRAP!"
"Awww, Zidane-y, you spilled the water... Oh! It's Dagger! HI DAGGER!" Kefka bounced around madly, trying to get Garnet's attention. Garnet waved cheerfully at Kefka too. Such a nice girl, that Garent!
Zidane's tail twitched impatiently. He glare at Kefka, making the insane man quickly stop bouncing.
"That's better. OK, let's drink the pills now..." The former thief grabbed Kefka's throat, poured the water and pills in, and quickly let go, leaving Kefka gasping for air. It sounded cruel, but that was the only way to get Kefka to take his medicine.
Kefka recovered quickly and smiled with glee, bouncing back to the TV to watch his hero catch jellyfish and thwart Plankton's evil plans again (which is not funny, because Planktonj00)
~~~
"C'mon, Leon! FASTER! HARDER! C'mon! ... Ah, you wuss, get up, I'll show you how it's done!"
Yuffie growled and wrenched the controller from Leon's hands. This boy did NOT know the art that is Tekken Tag.
"Aw, Yuffie... you're so mean." Leon pouted, looking up at his wife (she was sitting on the bed, Leon the floor). Yuffie just smiled and poked him in the forehead.
'Cheeseburger' was watching these childish antics, and remembered when he was like that. Young and Stupid. The cat/mage rolled his amber eyes and yawned, purring and rolling all over the bedspread to achieve maximum cuteness levels.
"KAWAII!!!" Yuffie squealed and huggled Cheeseburger, making him purr with delight. Being a kitten means you get all the chicks!
Leon whimpered, feeling left out. Sometimes he thought Yuffie loved the cat more then she loved him.
"Awwww, Leon! I wuv you too!" Yuffie set the cat down and tackled Leon, where then they stared to do... er... activities...
Well, Kuja didn't care to watch how humans mate (however morbidly fascinating it was), so he decided to see if he could bug Ultimecia. That was always fun. Slipping out the door, opened only by a crack, Kuja did his human care-takers a favor and shut the door.
Not that Balamb had the most soundproof walls, but hey...
The cat padded through the empty halls, seeking out the janitor. He checked the first place=Janitor's closet. No hits. He checked the Training Room. No hits. The Secret spot. No hits. The Maximum Security Cell... AH-HA!
Kuja crouched in a corner, hiding in the shadows, watching the headmaster and a few SeeDs whine and gripe.
"What happened?? I thought Ultimecia gave up her powers!" Cid exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air for dramatic effect.
A blonde woman, wearing pink, was checking the air for radiation and magical residue. Well, she got a match, as a scanner in her hand started beeping like Meteor had just been summoned or something.
"An Ultima Spell broke down the door, but I'm barely picking it up over the Holy Spell.. The Ultima Spell was done by a sorceress, but the Holy Spell is much stronger.... beyond what any sorceress can do..." Quistis reported, her brow furrowing.
"What? That's impossible, no one anymore has any magic to exceed Ultimecia's, not even me or Edea!" A raven-haired girl in blue protested.
"Now, now, Rinoa, it is possible..." Cid tried to calm the girl down, but truth be told, the only possible explanation for this was Hyne. And he was an atheist. Go figure.
"It isn't... unless there is some god-like force watching us now... dictating what we say... what we move... making me say these very words right now..." Rinoa pondered, getting dangerously close to realizing that they were in a fanfiction and being controlled by a 13 year old moron with a keyboard and Comcast High Speed Cable Internet.
"Rinoa, you are just getting paranoid..." Quistis muttered. "Why don't we get Squall?"
"Oh puh-lease. He's an actor now, I bet you he doesn't remember a single thing about SeeD training! I told you making that movie was bad for all of us!" Rinoa spat. She and Squall, er, Leon never actually loved each other. In fact, they only acted all buddy-buddy during the filming of Final Fantasy 8 for the money. There were lots of backstage fights that the cheesy tabloids loved the exploit.
"Whatever you say, Rinoa..." Quistis sighed.
Rinoa strode over to the wall, feeling intense magical energy bursting through the walls. She bent down to one corner and fished out one of the few cameras that were not destroyed during the explosion. Quistis handed over her scanner and Rinoa popped in the camera, watching the tiny screen intensely.
The screen flickered and static poured in, but it faded out and Ultimecia appeared on screen, glowing Flare ball in hand. She was facing something beside the camera.
"Who's there? I'm armed!"
From the corner of the camera, Rinoa caught a glimpse of black.
"You need not be alarmed. I really didn't expect this, but it's all the more interesting..." the voice boomed. Through the camera, it sounded ethereal, like several women's voices mixed together and amplified, creating what the author liked to call the Ansem/Riku voice effect.
At this point, the camera, for some weird reason, exploded. WHEEEEE!! FIERY EXPLOSIONS OF DEATH AND DOOM!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Rinoa and Quistis were knocked back, gasping and wide-eyed in terror.
"Did... did you hear that voice?? Did you feel the power coming from it??" Rinoa gasped, shivering and bringing her knees to her chest.
"I felt power all right... It's strong, even from the camera... You think there are more sorceresses??" Quistis chimed in, shivering herself.
"Not a sorceress..." Rinoa whimpered. "It's a power that exceeds any sorceress. I dare say it even exceeds Hyne itself... I... I think it's ... it's..." she trailed off, not finding any words to describe the mass power she had just witnessed.
Kuja gulped, and sulked back to his room. Something very wrong was happening... something very wrong...
~~~
"Did you see that?? She can talk in BOLD? And I cannot?!"
Meanwhile, Alice was also reviewing the scene down at Balamb. Her tiny frame trembled with anger. She was being overthrown! Hell no, she worked long and hard to become the author of this fic, and chibilinnet will NOT win!
"Well, considering that she IS the original author of the fiction, I think she would have every right to..." Lance observed. Cloud looked up from his Polly Pocket set, watching the adults frown and mope. Why were they not happy? Cloud recalled something that made people happy... what was it called... hu? huggletujfbnfhd... ah, forget it. He went back to playing.
"Hello Ms. Polly, how are you today! Oh, I'm fine, Ms. Polly's friend! Let's go on a fun-filled adventure... TO THE MALL! OMG!! THERE'S LEIK A GIANT ANT RAMPAGING!! GAAAAAAHHH! I'M STUCK UNDER THE CAR, OH GAWD HELP!!"
Alice looked at Lance, who was watching Cloud with fear.
"Lance, I want him to watch more Sesame Street." Alice instructed, turning back to her virtual library to see if she could attain the power of TEH BOLD TEXT!!!!
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (again) That chapter made no sense. Oh well, I hope it was amusing... or something.
Back to improving my near non-existent HTML skills!
