CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Dancing bugs are good for information!
Justin: Hey! This isn't the Marsh Cave...
Rae: No shit, genius.
Dan: I say we steal whatever is in this place and leave.
Justin: Dan! Light Warriors don't do that!
Dan: Just a suggestion...
Mary: ...
Justin: Well, wherever we are, WE CAN CONQUER IT! CUZ I LIKE SWORDS!
All: ...
Mary: This is a fanfiction on Kingdom Hearts, not a cheap 8-bit Theater parody.
Dan: Anyway.
Rae: *whacks both with mallet* QUIET! WE MUST FIND OUR WAY OUT OF HERE!
chibilinnet: What are you doing here? This is the author's note! Get out!
Justin: Author?
chibilinnet: Well, yeah. It's only supposed to be a paragraph long! GET OUT!
Alice: So I can write in it.
chibilinnet: Go away, I'm the author.
Alice: No you're not. You are not talking in bold text.
chibilinnet: Yes I... OH MY GAWD, YOU'RE RIGHT!
Alice: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
chibilinnet: WHAT HAPPENED??
Mary: It seems that someone else has taken both your powers.
chibilinnet: B-But... aww, screw it. Let's just get on with the story.
Justin: SWORD-CHUCKS, YO!
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"PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, WHITE BOY!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!! PLAY THAT..."
"Whoa! What the HELL is that?" Alice stared with fascination at the dancing cockroach. Well, actually, it was some ugly fat kid in a cockroach costume. But he was dancing on the ceiling nonetheless.
"Yo!! What up!" The kid saluted. Alice pondered on whether she should capture him and make him her court jester or to just shoot him and put him out of his misery.
"And who are you?" She asked, crossing her arms together, making sure the poor kid saw the shiny Magnum in her hands. Shiiiiiny...
The kid gulped. Audibly. However, he had the knowledge that Alice needed! Yeeeesss... the knowledge...
"I am 'A Squirrel'." A Squirrel said, bowing down low and somehow managing to stay on the ceiling. "And I can do lots of things! Like stay on the ceiling and not die, talk in bold text, locate missing allies..."
"Talk in bold text?!" Alice put the Magnum on the nearby bedside drawer and climbed up the bed, trying to get closer to A Squirrel. "Tell me!" She urged him.
"I can't, it's a secret." A Squirrel stuck his tongue out and went back to dancing.
"TELL ME!" Alice shrieked, grabbing the Magnum and shooting the ceiling. A tile fell and homed in on Cloud, focusing on causing him much pain, However, the stupid tile got caught on his front spike. The tile cried and twisted around in pain before finally dying. Cloud felt sad and decided to bury it.
"A SQUIRREL DON'T TELL NO SECRETS" A Squirrel screamed back, scuttling out of the room at top speeds. Alice chased it, shooting at the halls with both no mercy and terrible. The bullets got caught in the blue-green goo and struggled violently, but to no avail. The goo ate it. The goo was happy.
OK, enough about the goo.
Anyway, by the time Alice had reached the end of the hallway and cornered A Squirrel, she ran out of bullets and had no gun powder to make more. Cursing, she watched A Squirrel try to make his escape.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" She screamed, throwing the gun at A Squirrel. It smacked A Squirrel's head and the poor cockroach/geek hybrid fell on the ground, twitching. Alice smiled happily, and the FFX Victory Theme came on.
"NO MUSIC!"
And then it stopped.
And then the Chocobo Battle Theme from FF7 came on.
"Eh, it'll do." Alice muttered, and she spent nearly the whole duration of this chapter dragging A Squirrel down the very long hall, which stretched itself a good 2 miles longer just to spite her.
~~~
girly scream"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"/girly scream
Kairi jumped up about a foot in the air and knocked her head on the plot hole ceiling. A string of curses flowed from her mouth, filling the room with their lovely sounds. Ah, profanity, how I love thee...
"What?!" Kairi screamed back. Except there was no one to scream at. Riku(chu) and Riku were hiding behind Kairi, whimpering like little girls.
Kairi looked forward. She saw... BRITNEY SPEARS!!
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!! OH MY ****ING GOD!!!!" Kairi screeched, nearly shattering the walls. Britney Spears smiled and opened her mouth to sing when...
SHOOM!
With a cheesy sound effect, a spear went right through her abdomen and she crumpled to the ground, Aerith-style.
"HOW THE **** COULD YOU ****ING FORGET ABOUT ME?!"
Of course, there is only one person who swears that much and it's not the author. Cid Highwind has returned!!
"Cid!" Kairi smiled, happy to see the profane old child molester again. Well, she didn't know about the child molester part. Yet. But we won't go there.
"Stupid-ass author ****ing forgot about me. But I'm glad I came here to save yer pathetic asses from this *****..." Cid gleefully grinned, poking Britney's dead body with his spear.
"So, how is TT?" Kairi asked, doing her womanly duty and boring the boys with a long and utterly stupid conversation. Actually, she mostly did it out of spite.
"Eh, it's been doing good. I got me some GOOD READIN'!" Cid tossed a red book at Kairi. The cover gleamed with gold letters: "How to take over the World", and in smaller yellow cursive letters underneath it read "A handbook for the Aspiring Dictator".
"Very... interesting." Kairi blinked. The two Rikus stared at the book with mild interest. She handed the book back to Cid, who cackled some more.
"One day, Kairi, I'll show 'em all! If Square can't let me have space, I'LL RULE THE WORLD!" He cackled insanely, and suddenly ran into the corner, deep in thought.
"Rikuchu?" What? Riku pointed at Cid and scratched his head in confusion.
Riku and Kairi shrugged and kept on walking, having the dreaded feeling that they would be stuck in the tunnel forever.
"WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE!"
Cid came running after them. He collapsed and started gasping for sweet precious air. Kairi clicked her tongue and the two Rikus snickered at Cid's misfortune. How cruel they were!
"Ya...don't...have...to...walk...ya...know..." Cid gasped feebly, reaching towards Kairi with a fist. "Take...this..." the fist uncurled, revealing a shiny set of what looked like miniature keyblades.
"ROAD TRIP!!" Riku squealed, and he grabbed the keys, giggling with insane glee. Cid grunted and pointed to a section of the Plothole that seemed to shimmer like metal.
"There's...the...gummi...ship..." And with that, Cid fainted from lung cancer. Smoking is bad, kids, don't do it!
"I WANNA DRIVE!" Riku poked the shimmering metallic surface, revealing a very prettyful Gummi Ship of Doom. Well, it was an old Kingdom model, but Riku was quick to notice it had Thundara lasers and an Ultima cannon.
"Chu... Riku rik riku chu?" Riku(chu) nervously climbed in after an excited Riku, and Kairi followed.
"Where the heck do you... OH HERE!" Riku jammed the key into the slot and the Gummi ship roared to life, spitting out fumes and flame from the exhaust pipe. The radio suddenly blared "Hikari" (The Godson remix, XD!) and everything was in motion!
"FLOOR IT!" Riku screamed, as he practically jumped on the acceleration. The ship blasted through the other side of the Plothole and into hyperspace, where happy meteors sped around trying to destroy anything that moved.
"Riku, are you sure you can move this-AAAAHHH!!" Kairi screamed as the ship gave a sudden 90 degree turn and she gripped on her seat for dear life.
"I remember Linnet saying something' 'bout the Lunatic Pandora, so we're going there!" Riku told her, turning around. Riku(chu) squealed and grabbed the wheel in an effort to steer the craft.
"RIKU! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!!" Kairi pleaded, trying to hide in her seat. Riku laughed and kept on looking at her.
"What road?"
"RIIIIIIIKKKUUUCCCHHHHHUUUUU!!!"
~~~
And now, we return to the poor Villains, who escaped from Lavos's shell. Well, they escaped, but they left Sora and his troupe of idiots behind. ...
"WHO SAID THAT?"
Kuja looked around wildly, to the surprise of the other villains.
"What's wrong, Kuja?" Ultimecia asked, stopping in her tracks.
Well, it seems that Kuja can hear me. How delightful! But why only Kuja? Shouldn't Sephy, Ulti, Ansem and Seymour hear me too?
"THE DOCTOR SAID THE VOICES WOULD GO AWAY!" Kuja cried, falling into a fetal position and cowering.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! YES, KUJA, THIS IS DESTINY SPEAKING! LEAD YOUR COMRADES TO THE LUNATIC PANDORA!
"Lunatic Pandora?" Kuja meeped, still cowering. "Why?"
DO NOT QUESTION ME!
"Dude, the hell's up with him?" Sephiroth growled.
Both Ansems shrugged.
"OK...OK...I'll do it..." Kuja whimpered. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Eh, never mind, Kuja. It seemed Lunatic Pandora came to you.
And do, with "Destiny"'s words, the Lunatic Pandora indeed crawled into view. Everyone's first impulse was to run, but they felt themselves being lifted up into the air.
"Bwahahahahaaaa!" Alice laughed, from inside the Lunatic Pandora. A Squirrel glumly sat beside her, chained to what looked like an electric chair. She tapped a few buttons on the computer console in front of her and the screen zoomed in on the six paralyzed figures.
"One, two three, four, five...six? No, wait, that's the other Ansem..." Alice counted, disappointment crossing her face. "Well, whatever. We got five of them." Sitting back in her chair, she turned to face A Squirrel.
"What do you want now...?" The poor bug whined.
"I need you to tell me where Kefka is, silly." Alice poked him in the ribs. "You said you would lead me to all the villains of insanity."
A Squirrel laid his eyes down, not answering.
"I thought you said you could locate anyone. Now, tell me where Kefka is!" Alice persisted, her eyes glittering with malice.
"Lindblum Mental Hospital..." A Squirrel muttered. Alice clapped her hands with joy.
"Very good. Lance, you take over. Put them in the Maximum Security cell and DON'T let Cloud go near them." She commanded, standing up and exiting the room. Lance sighed and pushed a shiny green button. The villains were pulled in, and trapped.
"Why do you do what that horrible woman wants?" A Squirrel spat, looking at Lance with disgust.
Lance shrugged.
"Being evil is fun." He answered, with a grin on his face.
A Squirrel hung his head. They were doomed.
~~~
"Meeep!"
Shroom jumped around, pointing to the Lunatic Pandora. Sora peeked out from the rock they were hiding behind.
"They took Sephy and Ansem! We have to get them back!" Sora squealed, pointing to the big floating metal block of death and doom.
"Creak, creak crik creak." Eya agreed, slithering under Sora and Shroom. It lifted them up and ease. With a mighty "GOBBLEDYGOOK", it raced towards the Lunatic Pandora.
Because the thing was so slow, Eya caught up to it in a matter of seconds. It jumped and latched itself on the back of the Lunatic Pandora. Sora and Shroom hung on for dear life.
"Wow, it's so high..." Sora gulped, looking up. "I…I'm scared!"
"Meep!" Shroom pointed up and started climbing.
"Hey, wait! Don't leave meeeee!" Sora cried, closing his eyes and whimpering. Shroom sighed and smacked Sora on the head.
"Foo'! I ain't waiting all the day for your scrawny white ass to toughen up! Yer friends are waiting for you up there! Are you gonna leave them?" Shroom demanded, taking on a Mr. T voice.
Sora blinked.
"Shroom! You can talk!" Sora gasped.
"No shit! Now, you climb with us or I'll push ya off!" Shroom harshly confirmed, pulling Sora up. Sora whimpered and slowly inched his way up, Eya behind him to provide support and Shroom leading up front.
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Well, this means the story is wrapping up, with everyone heading to the Lunatic Pandora!! Mweeeeheeee!! But do not fear, there will be far more chapters until the end. Especially since Alice re-acquired 5 of the villains and is now after Kefka.
Will this story ever end?!
