CHAPTER SIXTEEN: The FF6ness consumes me!

I FOUND OUT MY TRUE IDENTITY!

I must be the freakish female reincarnation of Kefka! There is no way to explain why I wish to destroy the world and rid it of all life and existence!

I am Kefka! *_*!! ...Then why can't I use magic? ;_;

*hunts for Magicite and some sort of magic infusion machine thingy*

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"CYANIDE COOKIES!" Kefka demanded, kicking at Zidane. "I WANT MY CYANIDE COOKIES!"

Zidane hissed at Kefka in anger. Kefka hissed back, raining down spit on poor Zidane. Disgusted, Zidane tipped the insane clown over and walked out, leaving poor Kefka there screaming for help.

"HELP!! THE JELLY WILL CONSUME ME!!" Kefka screamed, and he flopped face down and started to bite the soft white pads.. Aside from being a stupid random line, it's also an inside joke that only one person would understand. So why the heck did I write it in there?

The disgruntled Genome stomped out of the room and shoved the food tray he was holding to another man in green.

"YOU feed him, Edgar!" Zidane growled. "And stop hitting on Dagger!" he added, grabbing his girlfriend's arm and pulling her away.

Edgar whimpered. It's not like it was working anyway. Sabin was crazy, being a commoner sucked!

"CURSE YOU, SABIN!" Edgar ranted, and he kicked the door open. Kefka stopped trying to rip his room apart and gave a big cheesy grin to the not-very-happy former King.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII EDGAR! YOU DON'T VISIT ME ANYMORE!" Kefka shrieked his greeting,. The TV cracked a bit, and a girl with a white dress and hair over her face fell out, cursing and ranting. Everyone ignored her.

"Of course not, Kefka, I hate you more than anything in the world....except maybe Sabin." Edgar sighed. He reluctantly scooped up some mashed potato by-product and shoved it into Kefka's mouth.

"Mmpph, mpggy mg!" Kefka attempted to speak, mashed potato by-product flying out of his mouth. Edgar cringed and his hand flew to his mouth, trying to keep the vomit in.

"I meant, don't you visit Terra anymore? She gets loooonely..." The clown sang. Edgar's brow twitched, but he took hint at the world 'lonely'.

Suddenly, the room exploded.

Well, you could say that. There were lots of pretty feathers and polyester flying around after the wall burst open. Kefka laughed his hyena laugh and chased the feathers around, screaming "KITTY!" (another inside joke!) while Edgar remained confused.

"WHERE IS KEFKA?" A voice boomed.

It seemed the source of the voice was a big black object that just jutted out of the wall. Kefka squealed and hugged the object.

"VOICES! YOU CAME BACK! THE DOCTOR SAID YOU WOULD BE GONE FOREVER, BUT YOU CAME BACK!"

~~~

"What the hell?"

Alice's face was scrunched up in confusion as she saw Kefka hugging the side of the Lunatic Pandora.

"Just play along." Lance laughed. "I think he'll come easier."

Even more confused, Alice decided to play along.

~~~

"YES, KEFKA." Her voice boomed throughout the building. "THE VOICES ARE BACK."

"YAY! VOICES!" Kefka cheered and did a happy dance. Edgar had developed a noticeable eye twitch.

"YES, KEFKA, COME HERE WITH US..." Alice grinned, lowering the door to the hatch. Of course, Kefka was more than happy to meet the voices again, so in he went, skipping happily.

"Hey!" Edgar grumbled and followed him in.

At this point, the world would have ended. Black would have become white, up would have been down, the whole world would have been plagued with insanity and randomness, not to mention Cloud would be able to read.

However, it was not so. Giving out heroes ample time to reach the ever patient villains who seem to wait at the last minute before they actually destroy stuff.

~~~

"It's toooo high!" Sora cried, clutching on the ridged edge of the Lunatic Pandora. The wind blew hard, trying to nudge Sora off the building and howl with laughter when he went splat against the desert floor.

Shroom and Eya sighed with exasperation. How were they supposed to give Sora enough morale to make it up to the top?

Well, they didn't, because a loud roar startled everyone and made them look up. What looked like to be a Gummi Ship was feverishly circling the Lunatic Pandora, looking for a parking space.

"HEY! HEY, OVER HERE!!" Sora shouted, waving his arms. Which was a bad idea because now he had nothing to hold onto.

Shrieking, Sora fell on Eya, who groaned and started to lose her own grip. Shroom meeped and grabbed Sora's hair, trying to pull him back out, but all he did was rip out a handful and cause Sora to shriek more.

On the bright side, the Gummi Ship heard them and lowered itself down to their level. Shroom would have been happy, but it was pointing it's Thundara-G cannons at them.

~~~

"HA-HA! DIIIIIE!" Riku cackled, slamming his fist down on the X button. The cannons let loose a burst of energy...

...but that energy circled around the intended targets and smashed into the sides of the Lunatic Pandora., as was the nature of the Thundara-G. Silly boy!

"NOOOOOOOO!" Riku cried, sobbing in misery. How come every time he tried to kill someone, it ended in vain?!

Riku(chu), on the other hand, let out a cry of joy and pointed happily to Sora.

"Riku, riku rikuchu chu chuuu!" Riku(chu) babbled. Kairi's eyes widened with hate when she saw the dangling boy.

"RIKU! TURN TO THE SIDE AND FIRE THE CANNON AGAIN! HURRY!!" Kairi cried, but too late. Riku(chu) had used the stolen Canada-Arm[1] that was installed in the cargo bay.

[1] The Canada-Arm is supposed to be some crane-like thingy helping to the build the International Space Station. YAY, CANADA! *gets shot*

"That was random." Sora commented as he was pulled safely into the Gummi Ship. As soon as his big oversized clown feet touched the floor, "Simple and Clean" started playing loudly as Riku ran forward to embrace his lost love.

Kairi grunted and scowled in the cockpit as she waited for all the mushy gushy crap to be over. Riku was flipping through the radio channels trying to change the song, but Simple and Clean played endlessly. It was enough to drive a person mad. And so it did.

"HOMICIDAL RAGE MODE!" Riku cried, and he grabbed a steel chair and swung it back, preparing to bash the radio into submission. However, a familiar voice crackled on air.

"Riku!! Riku, do you read me?!"

Riku dropped the chair in shock, and it evilly somehow targeted Kairi's head and smashed it. Kairi was knocked out cold and the steel chair jumped off the Gummi Ship looking for more victims.

"Linnet?! That you?" Riku hollered into the radio speaker.

"Yes, yes, don't be so loud... anyway, I'm here with Sora in the Lunatic Pandora. Riku, Alice has Kefka, but Edgar has to sign the release form! I need you to get in there AND STOP HIM!" chibilinnet spat. The spit flew through the receiver and splattered on Riku's face.

"OK!" Riku grabbed the controls and did something incredibly stupid.

He kept on looking for a parking space.

~~~

"What do you mean, he's still under hospital care?!"

Alice held Edgar at gunpoint. Lance and Cloud were holding Kefka up, as he grew bored and fell asleep. A Squirrel squirmed uneasily in his seat.

"I...I mean... Kefka isn't exactly free yet... I just need to fill out the release papers and he'll be all yours!" Edgar pleaded, not exactly for his life but for a chance to sign those release forms.

"Fine, but make it snappy!" Alice grumbled, pushing Edgar away. She angrily sat down and tapped her foot impatiently as Edgar scribbled away on his clipboard.

With a snort, Kefka woke up and looked around blearily.

"Where are the voices?"

"HIIIIIIII!" Cloud smiled. Kefka stared blankly at Cloud for several minutes. The stupidity leaked out immediately and attempted to infect Kefka's brain, but after seeing it's mangled state, the stupidity felt sorry for him and decided not to.

"UNICORN!" Kefka pointed, and jumped on Cloud's back. "RIDE AWAY, UNICORN!" Cloud was confused, so he just started running around screaming while Kefka was squealing with joy.

Alice dug into her pocket and took out 3 Advil pills. She swallowed them without hesitation, and buried her head in her arms.

"Well, look on the bright side, it'll all be over soon." A Squirrel reassured her. He got strangled in reply.

~~~

"RIIIIIKU!!" Kairi growled. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?"

"I found a parking space!" Riku laughed. Kairi lost her patience and smacked him out of his seat, and assumed control herself.

"NO! KAIRI!!" Riku cried in vain, but too late. Kairi was focused into getting inside the Lunatic Pandora at whatever cost.

Panicking, Riku grabbed the microphone and started screaming in vain, to try and warn the hapless residents.

"WATCH OUT! WOMAN DRIVER!! WOMAN DRIVER!!"

~~~

"Are you DONE yet?!" Alice asked through gritted teeth. The tips of her teeth had been ground down to non-existence and it hurt. A lot.

"Yes, yes, hold on..." Edgar worked quickly through the form. After memorizing Kefka's Social Security Number for future use, he tilted the clipboard to Alice, holding out his pen.

"Just sign here and you can have the idiot..."

"FINALLY!" Alice snatched the clipboard and prepared to sign the document, and seal the world's fate, all in one handy dandy package with no shipping and handling!

As the pen lowered to the paper, Alice's breath quickened. This is it! The moment she had been waiting for! As soon as her signature was done, she would have opened the Door to Insanity, which was actually the Lunatic Pandora itself. Then she would finally-

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

With a great dramatic cry, chibilinnet just burst out of nowhere and tackled Alice, sending the clipboard and pen flying into the air. It clattered on the ground and the world was safe... for a moment.

"CURSES!" Alice screamed in frustration. It seemed she had fallen for a common villain cliché: Thinking when she should be doing. "YOU RUINED MY PLAN, BEESH!" With these words, Alice started yet another cliché: The Bitch-Slap.

While chibilinnet and Alice were literally slapping themselves silly, everyone else watched (the villains had the liberty of watching it in a steel cage).

"Bet you five bucks Alice is going to win. chibilinnet is a wuss." Sephiroth offered.

"Dude, you are SO on. Have you even SEEN chibilinnet when she gets mad?" Kuja countered, and the two men(?) shook on it.

Suddenly, the wall next to the cage exploded. Again. However, instead of pretty padded debris and feathers, there was just goo, black ships and gummi blocks of doom. Everyone except Cloud and Kefka dived for cover.

"FASTER, UNICORN!" Kefka commanded, and Cloud screamed louder and ran faster.

"Kairi! Look what you did!"

Riku hopped out and kicked aside a piece of gummi block, scowling at Kairi as she hopped down from the ship herself. Sora tried to, but he fell down and started bawling.

"What? We DID get in!" Kairi protested, pointing to the scuffling Alice and chibilinnet.

Riku grumbled something about stupid women drivers and shuffled over to Unknown Sora, who somehow managed to come in with chibilinnet but not get a flashy entrance.

Kairi noticed Sora was still bawling. It was annoying. She contemplated on kicking him, but Riku(chu) rushed in to comfort him.

"I told you, Riku, you're spoiling him!" She warned him.

Eya and Shroom watched from a safe distance. Eya creaked with joy and turned to a disgruntled Shroom.

"Creaaaaak! Crik crik creak creakity!" I told you they would start arguing about parental issues again! I want my $50. Eya smirked, if a bench could do that.

"Meep, mip mip bleecch..." FINE! Take your money, beesh! Shroom growled and threw $50 at Eya. She creaked happily and danced around, if a bench could do that.

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Yes, I have been dead for awhile, ne? That's because I've been:

1) lazy

2) working on the Ansem Shrine (it's almost done! FWEEE!)

3) playing FF6 (it shows)

4) trying to work up enough courage to continue the Ring fic (it's not working)

Also, I will be attending a SCHOOL DANCE tonight.. _O! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??