Rating: PG. For "Star Wars" goofiness.

Feedback: Very, very much appreciated. In fact, it's mandatory.

Distribution: If you want it, by all means. . . Just let me know first, I'd like to know where my work goes so I can brag about it.

Spoilers: That would be a no.

Disclaimer: Joss. What can I say? He owns every damn thing related to Buffy and gang. And George Lucas owns every single, tiny iota even remotely associated with "Star Wars," the lucky cad.

Author's Note: At this point in the story, I'm only taking suggestions on character placement for Cordelia. The rest of the gang are in place and ready to deploy at any time so whatever suggestions you make about other characters (namely Spike and Xander) are pretty much pointless. Just thought I share that and save your fingers the trouble of typing all that.

A/N 2.0: Another side note: Some points of the original Star Wars trilogy won't be exactly the same in my story (namely the brother/sister/father issue). That one will be solved without any "major yuck factor." And there's also the "who will be paired with who" thing that will come up as in issue in the Episode 5, which will be solved without any yuck factor as well.

A/N 3.0: Keep those reviews coming, I'm loving them!

*****

It is now time in the story for the dramatic "misunderstood hero staring off into the sunset" scene that is always a necessity....

(A considerable amount of time goes by)

All right, I'm getting bored. Just go inside.

"As you wish."

Wrong movie, Skywalker.

"Right. Sorry."

When the boy entered the family garage just a few feet away from where he had been standing, the inside of the structure was dark and quiet-

"That's not right. Why aren't they bickering or beating each other to death with wrenches?" Connor frantically searched the garage for any signs of droid warfare. "Willow? Dawn?"

A bewildered and mumbling Willow appeared behind the family Jeep with her hands above her hand in a surrender fashion.

"There you are," Connor greeted kindly, but noted that Dawn was nowhere in sight. His mood changed quickly. "You killed her, didn't you? I knew I shouldn't have given you that wrench..."

"I swear I didn't mean to... She just up and..." Willow stopped mumbling long enough to understand what he was implying.

"No! No, I'd *never* do that! What kind of droid do you think I am?!" Connor answered with a skeptical look. "All right, all right, fair enough. We've had our... moments... But she just left! Just kept babbling on about that mission of hers!"

And with that, she and Connor were out the door on a droid hunt through the desert, which is not unlike looking for a needle in a haystack the size of China.

"Oh, thanks," Connor mumbled as he pulled out his fashionably trendy electrobinoculars and scanned the horizon which was now darkening. "Blaster bolts! How could I have been so stupid?"

I'm not going to say anything.

"Couldn't we just, ya know, go look for her? I mean, okay, she does have a tendency to get on my nerves, but..."

"No," Connor interrupted, "it's too dangerous, especially with all those Cordettes roaming around. It'll have to wait until morning."

"If you don't mind my asking, are these Cordettes vampires of some kind?"

"No, but they might suck your blood if your clothes are out of fashion. C'mon, we'd better get in before they wander away from the malls." With that thought plaguing their minds, the two went back inside.

That night, as Willow was ready to power down, she regretted the day she ever got her jumpsuit at Sears.

*****

Ah, what a beautiful morning it is. The sun was rising, the birds, though as scarce as they were around these parts, were singing, the smell of barbequed bacon filled the air-

"Connor? Connor?! Connor!"

You couldn't wait, could you, English guy? Oh well. I'm not very good at place description anyway.

Wesley entered the homestead kitchen to the smell of, what else, barbeque at the hands of Fred. "Have you seen Connor this morning?"

Fred continued right on sizzling the bacon on the grill before she answered. "He left."

The Englishman sighed, not getting the answer he had expected. "Did he take those two new droids with him?"

"Yep."

"Well, good. If he doesn't have those two in the south range repaired by midday, there'll be hell to pay."

Once again, our kind English friend didn't know how right he was.

*****

The search for Dawn was in full swing across the Sunnydale desert, using Uncle Wesley's Jeep, of course.

"I'm hungry. Couldn't you have brought snacks?"

"Willow, we don't have time. If Uncle Wes finds out both his car *and* Dawn are missing, there's gonna be hell to pay. Do you have any idea where she went?"

His droid companion paused, searching for answer. "No, but maybe that beeping thing could give us a clue."

"Wills, that 'beeping thing' is the speedometer... Hold on... Since when did the speedometer of a Jeep Grand Cherokee become a scanner?"

Since I said so. Besides, nothing else made sense.

"Fair enough. I guess I should just following the beeping thing on the speedometer then, huh?"

"I guess so."

Little did the quasi-heroes know that they and their less-than-adequate fashion sense were being observed ever-so-carefully from atop the nearest shopping mall (otherwise known as a mesa) by none other than the Cordettes (also otherwise known as the Sunnydale Fashion Police sans their leader, Cordelia, who mysteriously disappeared years ago). After a heated debate about orange jumpsuits and red hair, which the group agreed was a crime against nature, they made their way across the mall's rooftop and followed the mobile Jeep by way of their own fire red convertibles.

*****

No sooner than Connor had begun to follow the beeping thing on the speedometer that the duo found exactly who they were looking for, wandering somewhere between the malls and the previously aforementioned apartment buildings.

"Whoa, hey, whoa!" Connor called out, jumping out of the front seat of the Jeep and running to Dawn's side. "Where do you think you're going, anyhow?"

Willow's reaction to her partner's discovery was less friendly. She jumped out of the passenger side of the car much like Connor had and stood over Dawn like Godzilla in Japan.

"I'm on my way to see Rupert-Wan Kenobi. If you both have a problem with that, you can just--"

I know what you're going to say and don't.

"Fine."

"What has gotten into that head of yours, anyway?" Connor inspected Dawn's head to see if anything *had* actually gotten inside her head.

"Did you actually think you could get away with this, Dawn? Hitting me over the head with that cursed wrench and taking off into the night like some... night... creature... thing..."

"But I gave the wrench to you, Will."

Willow looked around, blushed a crimson that matched her hair, and turned to Connor. "Long story." Her attention focused once more on Dawn. "You'll be lucky if Connor here doesn't deactivate you like some washed-up child actor..."

Connor held up his hand. "No... No, it's all right. Just as long as we get Uncle Wes' car back before he..."

Before the farm boy could continue, Dawn's face went slack with surprise and fear. She started to mumble incoherently and pointed towards the mall rooftops. Willow could have sworn she heard the name "Cordettes," but she couldn't be sure.

"Oh, what's wrong with her *now?*" Connor was becoming about as bothered by Dawn's sudden irrational behavior as Willow already was.

"Cordettes!" the droid finally squeaked. "Cordettes!"

All three were facing the direction Dawn was pointing. "Cordettes... I should have known... C'mon, let's go have a look..."

"But you said that they are... dangerous..." Willow fearfully said, knowing full well what those Cordettes could do to her.

"Not as long as I have this," Connor reassured, holding up a pricing gun. "Now let's move."

And move they did. When they found a good lookout spot, Connor pulled out those nifty electrobinoculars once again and observed the Cordettes' movements. At this point, all he could see were two empty convertibles.

"That's all I can see right-... Wait..." Two of the Cordettes moved into his view. "There's two of them now."

Connor had been so intent on watching the Cordettes down by the convertibles that he was too late in noticing a third Cordette, a fashion-keen blonde with an attitude and a purse to match, strut up the mall walls and up to the rooftop (don't ask, she just did).

Willow, being sensible as always, backed away. Backed away right off the mall rooftop and could be heard tumbling and scraping alongside the mall walls right down to the bottom of the chasm. Unfortunately for Connor's well being, by the time he did notice the Cordette was there, his head was coming in contact with a pink, fluffy purse that seemed to be filled with bricks.

The horrible, terrible, Prada-clad Cordette stood above Connor's now unconscious body and laughed that horrible, Valley Girl laugh. Let us all shudder at once.

Where was Dawn during all this commotion and clutter? Hiding, of course.

She watched as the Cordettes carried the boy's limp body to Wesley's Jeep, dumped him in front of it like a sack of potatoes, and proceeded to ransack the vehicle to find anything useful... mainly credit cards they could use for shopping sprees. Then she watched as they all froze as one and wondered what could possibly catch the ear of a group of bloodthirsty (nay... fashion-thirsty) estrogen-filled beasts.

Then she heard it. The sound that would make every mallrat from here to Timbuktu bolt like lightning.

"Shoe sale! Shoe sale! 99% off shoe sale!"

And then the creatures were gone. Dawn felt safe enough to venture from the shadows knowing full well that there was no way a Cordette hadn't heard the cry of a fantastic shoe sale. The droid didn't know who or what had made the call, henceforth saving all three of their lives, but was glad that she wasn't going to be ridiculed for hours about the proper way to shine your hair.

That is, she didn't know who had done such an incredibly brave feat until a mysterious stranger (there seems to be a lot of those in this story, huh?) appeared from the shadows, because that's where all mysterious people appear from when they make their entrance.

This unknown gentleman was wearing robes, tweed robes to be exact, and had a demeanor about him that said he was booksmart and friendly. If that was because of the glasses that were shining behind the robes that were pulled over his face or if it was because he was obviously British Dawn couldn't tell you but in either case, she felt somewhat safe enough to approach the man as he made his way to Connor's down-but-not-out body.

"Um... Hi?"

The robed stranger pulled back the hood of his robe to reveal the face of a kindly gentleman with an oval face, thin glasses that covered his eyes, chocolate brown hair and a friendly smile. This other Britishman was none other than Ripper Kenobi, the famed old man himself.

"Ahem."

Sorry. The famed "middle-aged" man, himself.

"Better."

He called out to the slightly frightened droid.

"Hello there! Don't be afraid, I'm only here to help."

Okay, Dawn told herself, this guy seems nice enough. The droid meandered Ripper's way as the elder man placed his hand on Connor's forehead, possibly trying to revive him, possibly trying to take a pulse. Dawn wasn't good at telling one from the other.

As it turned out, he had been attempting the former and had been successful as Connor's body begin to stir with consciousness.

"Wow," the droid muttered. "How'd you do that?"

"Trade secret," Ripper replied as Connor sat up from his laying position.

The farm boy rubbed his eyes furiously but to no avail; his vision was still blurred. Purses to the head have awful tendencies to do that to people. When Connor was finally able to see again, Ripper was the first thing to cross his line of vision.

"Ripper?" he gingerly asked. "Ripper Kenobi?" The middle-aged man nodded. "Boy, am I glad to see you!"

"The Mall Lands are not to be traveled lightly. You're lucky to be alive in one piece, young Skywalker. May I ask what brings you out this far?"

Connor glowered at the droid standing over Ripper's shoulder. "Her," he said, pointing at said droid. "She *says* she's trying to find some old guy named Rupert-Wan Kenobi. She *says* she has a message for him, but I don't believe it for a second. I think it's some kind of deviant plot to get me in trouble with my uncle." Connor thought about what he had said, then looked at the older man square in the eyes. "Say... You wouldn't happen to know this Rupert-Wan, would you? Some kind of relative or something?"

Ripper took off his glasses, cleaned them, then put them back on his face, thinking about the boy's query all the while.

"Rupert-Wan Kenobi... Rupert-Wan." He nodded intently. "Now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. A long time."

"I think Uncle Wes knew him. He says he's dead."

This time Ripper shook his head. "Oh no. He's not dead... Not yet, anyway..."

Connor's mood lightened upon hearing this news. "You know him!"

The kindhearted Englishman chuckled at the teen's enthusiasm. "Of course I know him. He's me."

Dawn jumped back five feet when she heard this. Once again, she was pointing and babbling. "I knew it... I knew it all along..." Connor just sat there staring in disbelief.

Ripper continued, easily ignoring the babbling of the droid behind him. "I haven't gone by the name Rupert-Wan since, oh, before you were born."

Connor broke eye contact with the older man and looked down at his hands. "So she *wasn't* lying, then?"

"I don't think so, Connor," Ripper answered. "Curious, though, that anyone would want to contact me this far from..." The dark-haired boy noticed Ripper's train of thought derail as he stared up to the mall rooftops overhead.

"I think we better get inside and quick. Cordettes may follow the sound of a sales pitch for a little while, but once they find out they've been tricked, they'll come back twice as mad and twice as numerous as they were before."

Ripper helped the dizzy boy stand to his feet and motioned for Dawn to follow suit and leave, but she wouldn't have any of it. Her head was going this way and that, up and down, left and right, as if she were looking for something... or someone. Connor noticed her odd actions and took note. He suddenly realized what exactly she could be looking for.

"Of course... Willow!" Connor remembered where he had last seen the redhead and proceeded to run that way with Dawn trailing closely behind. Ripper, reluctantly, followed the two, knowing something bad could happen at any time. He was smart like that, you know.