Rating: PG. For "Star Wars" goofiness.
Feedback: Very, very much appreciated. In fact, it's mandatory.
Distribution: If you want it, by all means... Just let me know first, I'd like to know where my work goes so I can brag about it.
Spoilers: Um... Spoilers? Did you not read the summary?
Disclaimer: Not mine. Everything Buffy and gang belong to the Joss-god and everything Star Wars belongs to the Supreme
Overlord George W. Lucas. How I know his middle initial I do not know, but it makes his name sound fancier nonetheless.
Author's Note: After a long and well-deserved sabbatical, I am back with another installment of this thing I call a parody. Enjoy!
*****
Connor and Ripper had not been in Docking Bay 94 for more than two seconds before the youth opened his big, tactless mouth.
"What a piece of junk!"
Not a good thing to call someone's pride and joy "a piece of junk" just after you met them. Especially if that someone happens to be a vampire with very pointy teeth.
"He can't hurt me. Every time he tries to hit somebody, a firework goes off in his brain."
Yes, but he can make fun of you in that British swagger of his until you cry.
"I still stand by my initial chapter-opening statement."
Xander appeared on the ship's ramp in time to catch Connor's last words.
"And what would that be exactly?"
"That your ship is a piece of junk."
The self-proclaimed Han Solo-type character jumped off the ramp, gave the ship a good once-over and turned to the boy and his bespectacled mentor. "Can't disagree with you on that one, chief." An animalistic snarl could be heard echoing through the ship's metallic halls. "But she'll make point five past light speed-"
"You don't even know what that means, Solo!"
"I do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"Then what does it mean?"
Xander scratched his head, trying ever so hard to form an answer that would be mildly appropriate and possibly right. "It... uh... Means that... uh... If there were points past light speed, it would make five."
If you listened carefully, you could actually hear Spike's patience snap in his head. "You see, narrator! He doesn't even know what 'point five past light speed' is! Some captain he is!"
This is in no way a push for you to become my own version of Han Solo, is it, Spike?
"Have you read the reviews?! They want me!"
Ripper leaned in towards Connor. "This is going to take a while, isn't it?"
"RUN AWAAAAAY!"
The two droids who had been previously absent from this scene came bolting into the bay like bats out of Hell, kicking up clouds of dirt in their wake and screaming in a manner that closely resembled King Arthur and his Round Table being assaulted by Frenchmen with projectile animals.
This image would have been laughable to Connor if the droids weren't being chased by a flock of very angry (assume they're always angry because, well, it's their job) vampire troopers and a whole arsenal of weapons (because, let's face it, teeth ain't always gonna cut it) instead of catapulted barnyard creatures.
"RUN AWAAAAAY!"
The moment the vamp troopers came careening around the doorway bend and into Docking Bay 94, the trio who had been standing outside heeded the outcried warning and, with the droids, made a mad dash to the DeSoto, which, thanks to the quick-thinking-and-reacting William, had already fired up its engines for a very speedy take-off.
"Stop that ship!" the commander of the troopers cried. He knew it was fruitless, but it was still worth a small shot.
And a small shot from Xander's crossbow penetrated both his armor and heart, dusting him instantly.
Before Xander or any of the vamp troopers could do any more damage physically, the DeSoto's doors slammed shut and took off into the crystal blue desert sky.
All passengers, droids and men alike, rushed to the cockpit, where Xander's companion had already taken complete control of the ship.
"Spike, get us outta here!"
And with no further convincing on Xander's part, he got them out of there, making Willow sick in the process.
"Ugh... I forgot how much I hate space travel."
The vampiric pilot scoffed. "Get used to it, Red."
"Holy mother of cheesecake!" Xander yelped after taking a glance at the radar screen. "You guys must've really pissed off the Empire. They've sent an Imperial Cruiser after you." He turned his attention away from the odd couple and towards his shipmate. "Angle the deflector shields while I make the calculations for the jump to light speed."
Spike did as he was told, though Connor swore he could hear "Doesn't know what he's talking about" being mumbled under his breath.
From behind, the Cruisers were gaining speed and were ready to cut them off like an idiot on the highway.
"Watch it, Willie! There's two more of 'em coming and they're going to..."
We already know.
Connor chose this awkward and tense moment to speak his mind, much to Rupert's dismay.
"Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast!"
Spike also chose this awkward and tense moment to speak his mind, much to Xander's dismay.
"Watch your mouth, bit, or you're gonna find yourself floating home. In fact, I have a good enough mind to..." Xander smacked Spike's hand away from the passenger ejector button. "Fine. You're lucky this time, kid. Anyway, we'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. I know a few tricks; we'll lose 'em."
"That's the pilot's job, Spike, and you're not the pilot."
"Can it, Chewie."
"'Can it, Chewie?' Narrator!"
I'm just letting this story take its natural course. If he ends up becoming the Han Solo character, so be it.
"No fair! I'm Han, not his overly furry companion!"
Before there were any more comments from the peanut gallery, the DeSoto was assaulted from behind by the Imperial Cruisers' fire, causing the ship to shake back and forth in a violent manner.
"Now I *am* going to be sick." Willow bolted from the cockpit, holding her stomach in one hand and her mouth in the other.
Spike, in the meanwhile, let out a riotous laugh. "Here's where the fun begins!"
Another explosion convulsed the crew.
Rupert-Wan spoke for the first time since they took refuge in the somewhat rickety space vehicle. "How long before we can make the jump to lightspeed?"
"It'll take a few moments to get the directions from the navi-computer."
Yet another burst rocked the ship. Pleasant sounds from Willow could be heard from the bathroom.
"Are you kidding?!" Connor blurted. "At the rate they're gaining..."
"Traveling through hyperspace isn't like organizing books, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it?" Spike pondered his words for a minute. "Damn, I sound good saying that." Xander only huffed.
"At least you could've waited until we met the Princess before you stole my role."
Now the DeSoto was being bombarded with an ambush of attacks from the enemy. A rather annoying red warning light begins to flash.
Connor pointed to the blinking crimson light like a curious three year old. "Whassat?"
Spike smacked his hand away. "We're losing the deflector shield. Strap yourselves in, folks, I'm gonna make the jump to lightspeed... unless you want your face to become hilariously pancake-shaped."
As funny as that image would be, none of the passengers aboard really wanted their heads to be modeled like a breakfast food.
All were strapped in and, for the most part, ready for another, even faster take-off into the recesses of space.
