Memories of Excel – An Excel Saga fanfic by EclipseMk2

A little introduction before I start. This is my first fanfic, and I might tread a lot on overused fan fiction stereotypes, so please bear with me. Secondly, I haven't watched much of Excel Saga but since this fan fiction takes place during Excel's high school years (i.e. before the anime) her character hasn't really developed into the Excel that we all know and love. Oh, and there are quite a number of crossovers that I'm introducting along the way to make up for my lack of Excel trivia, so this may not be your cup of tea. Or slice of Menchi. Or whatever.

Alright, let's go.

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April 4, 19xx 3:45am

I can't sleep. I keep thinking.

I feel as if someone is dictating my actions, like my life is just one big script. It's just like the anime I see on TV. It's not…not…real.

Thanks to this LiveJournal that I'm starting, I'll have proof that I *am* going mad. Oh, and high school starts today (actually later this morning)  _

Current mood : paranoid

Current music : Ai (Chuuseishin) / Kobayashi Yumiko

*********************************************

Deep in thought, Keitaro walked slowly to school. He hadn't slept at all since all these thoughts entered his head while watching End of Evangelion the night before. Why was he thinking about all this? Why now?

Then, it hit him. Not the answer, mind you – it was a telephone pole that came flying through the air towards him. Lying on the ground and temporarily stunned he saw the faint outline of a white dog running past him, followed by a voice shouting, "Dang, I missed! ….Menchi! Menchi! Come here, I'm hungry!"

Keitaro stood up to face the source of the voice. Yes, it was her. The girl of his memories, the one whom he had fallen for and yet never had the courage to confess his feelings to. It was, of course, Excel Excel – the walking disaster of his past.

"K-kun!"

Keitaro turned towards her. "Hello, Excel. It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Ya! Eh, you're going to the same school? That's good. Did you see a dog run past here? He's my emergency food supply."

            "But, I…"

            "Gotta go, I'm hungry!" Excel shouted as she sped off.

            Keitaro let out a shout. This was a second chance given to him by God! A final chance to show his worth to Excel and make her confess her love for him under the legendary radioactive plant growing in the school courtyard. He had heard rumours that if a couple in love confessed their feelings under that tree…er…plant, then they would be happy until the end of their lives. Other rumours said that most couples died of radiation poisoning immediately after that, but that was unimportant. All he had were these three years of high school and he would put his heart and soul into winning Excel's love.

            Glancing at his watch, Keitaro realized that he was now late for class. As he started to run to the front gate, he heard the screeching of truck tyres and a loud thud. Must be a dog running across the road, he thought.

*************

            The utter boredom of the classroom was interrupted by a crash and the door opening. Excel stood there at the doorway, panting.

            "Good morning all! Sorry I'm late – I was hit by a big truck but I seem to be okay since I was suddenly reset back to normal for reasons I cannot explain but I am sure that this was a-"

            "Sit down, Excel-kun!" the teacher yelled.

            Excel sat down at the empty desk in front of Keitaro. He could smell her from behind – her sweet smell, like a perfume. It was the first time he had been so close to a girl in recent memory. And worse, it seemed like more than a coincidence that his success with girls was as pathetic as the lead character in that anime Love Hina, who also shared the same name as him. Like the bubblegum that never seems to come off your shoe, this curse had stuck with him throughout his school life right until this very day. But this time…this time, he was going to change it all.

            The sound of the people around him choking tore him out of the daydream that had been started by Excel's perfume. He could see the teacher gasping for air at the front. "What is that horrid smell, Excel-kun?"

            "It was a fish truck, sir."

*********************************************

April 16, 19xx 7.27pm

It's been almost two weeks since I met Excel at the front gate. I still think of her every night as I play with my Asuka dolls.

Life seems a lot better now. I'm beginning to forget about the weird ideas that End of Evangelion gave me, and I'm looking forward to the Science Festival at school tomorrow. I feel that something *big* is going to happen. Maybe it involves Excel – I don't know, but I definitely hope it will.

Current mood : happy

Current music : The Barney Theme Song (DeathHeadCannibal Remix)

*********************************************

            The Science Festival had been on since morning, and Keitaro had been too busy with his exhibit to look for Excel. Of course, someone had to attend to the long line of pitiful boys queuing up for his photo sticker machine. It was not until much later that he saw her pass by his booth.

            "Excel!" he yelled over the noise of the crowd.

            She didn't hear him and continued to walk on.

            "Excel!"

            Keitaro ran after her, pushing his way through the crowd. Suddenly, he slammed heavily into someone. They both fell to the ground.

            "I-I'm sorry." Keitaro said under his breath as he brushed the dirt off his trousers.

            The other person stood up. He was rather tall and looked slightly older than Keitaro. Shoulder pads and a long flowing purple cape masked his size, but his presence was overpowering. "Impudent fool, watch where you run. You are insulting monkeys with your intelligence."

            "I-I-I'm sorry. I-I-I'm Keitaro Bakayarou from class 1A. Pleased to meet you."

            The man snorted with contempt. "The pleasure is hardly mine – in the exact same way that you derive no pleasure from using any major organs above your neck. This time you will not be forced to atone for inconveniencing me, since I have been unable to find my rope today. Nevertheless, I will keep my eye on you knowing fully well that you do not have a visual organ that functions in the same way as mine. Goodbye."

            With that, he turned away and faded into the crowd.

            Weird fellow, Keitaro thought to himself. He could have just pushed me to the ground and kicked me. I wonder what happened to the simple concept of beating up somebody…

            A light tap on his shoulder kicked him out of his train of thought. It was Excel, and she was happily cradling a brown box.

            "K-kuuuuuuuun! What are you doing on the floor?" she asked.

            Keitaro got up quickly. "Excel! I was looking for you and I bumped into this weird guy with a purple cape. He said something about monkeys and then left, though I think he was rather angry…"

            Excel thought for a while. "Purple cape…purple cape…er…was it Magneto?"

            "Magneto is a comic book character, Excel."

            "Err…then it's Robin Hood!"

            Keitaro shook his head. "Excel, Robin Hood doesn't even wear a purple cape."

            "But he's really cool, right?"

            "Excel, please focus on the subject at hand."

            "Err…a….e…oh, then it must have been Ilpalazzo-sempai. He's the president of the School Domination club. I haven't met him, but he looks so cool!" she squealed with excitement.

            "Ilpalazzo…I've never heard of him, but I'd better watch out in case I bump into him again." Keitaro replied, nursing his slightly bruised ego.

            Excel smiled. "Don't worry, K-kun. I just bought some stainless steel knives from that booth over there. Let's go to the cafeteria and eat Menchi together!"

            "No, I don't think I'm into…er…dog food, thank you."

            "Was that a pun?" Excel asked, looking rather puzzled.

            "Err…not really…er…say, what's in that brown box you're holding?"

            She looked down at the large box in her hands. "Actually I'm not very sure. I saw it in a pile of free gifts from that booth across the fence, so I thought I'd just grab one before they are all gone."

            Keitaro looked in the direction Excel was pointing. "A…..Excel, that's outside our school compound. I think that's the the military equipment disposal area."

            "It's not a Science Exhibit?"

            "No."

            "But…but…it seemed so nice, and it even has this cute ticking noise coming from inside!"

            "…ticking noise? Don't tell me…"

            Excel opened the cover. "See? Flashing lights! And look here – there's a little thingy with numbers on it! Er…I think that's a 7, but I can't really count since I skipped most of my classes in Mathematics since I thought I could get more sleep if I slept at home instead of in the classroom, eh, wait…the number has become a zero. That's funny."

-RESET-

Keitaro looked around. That's weird, I thought it was getting rather hot just now...

Just then, he realized that Excel had disappeared. Glancing around quickly, he could see no sign of her in the crowd. Temporarily focused on locating her, he did not notice the two cloaked figures who had followed him from a distance. One of them was over 7 feet tall and dwarfed the other by at least a foot or two. They both had hoods covering their faces, but the shorter one was carrying a large backpack.

The tall one spoke. "Master, are you sure that he is the one? He looks like an ordinary harem anime loser."

The shorter one replied with a calm yet deep voice. "I am sure. These tarot cards say so."

            "But master, you're holding a pack of UNO cards."

            The short one looked down. "Gee, you're right. Nevermind, these will do. Here – I'll show you. Help me shuffle them like this…and put them down like so…and…there we go! The prediction!"

            "It's a Draw Four, master," the tall one pointed out.

            "Golly, that's gotta mean something," the short one replied, deep in thought, "let's see the next one…wow, it's a yellow card! That confirms it. This low probability is a sure sign of our target!!"
            The tall one sighed. "Master, there are 12 yellow cards in an UNO deck, which makes a 23% chance of getting a yellow. Aren't you being a bit er…optimistic?"

            "Faith, my young apprentice. Faith. Now watch as I make first contact with our mission objective. It is dangerous for us to meet him in a public place. I will make him meet us somewhere else with a secret message," the short one explained as he rummaged through his backpack.

Keitaro was puzzled. Excel was standing right in front of him but had suddenly vanished. As he was about to start looking for her, a folded paper plane hit him in the right eye. Writhing in agony, he collapsed to the ground.

"Master, you missed," the tall one sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Whoops," the short one exclaimed, "but nevermind…watch as he reads the secret message."

"…warehouse clearance sale…big savings up to 70%...hurry, hurry, hurry…" Keitaro mumbled under his breath as he read the unfolded paper plane. "Must be some kid playing around."

Throwing it into the nearest bin, he started walking to the cafeteria in search of Excel.

"Master, I don't think he understood the secret message."

The short one rummaged through his backpack again. "That's strange…I was absolutely sure that…oh, here it is. I sent the wrong message. That was a flyer from the departmental store we passed on the way here."

"Oh, really?" the tall one remarked, feigning surprise.

"Here we go. This is the right one. Now, my young apprentice – show me again how you folded the paper plane!"

God must be telling me to get glasses, Keitaro thought to himself as he lay on the ground writhing in agony from the pain in his left eye.

"I am in awe of your…er…accuracy, master. You couldn't have blinded someone any more than that," the tall one commented.

The short one smirked. "You have much to learn, my young apprentice."

            Keitaro was about to crumple the second paper plane when he caught notice of some text in the middle. He unfolded it and began to read the cut and pasted phrases from a newpaper :

"Dear Sir,

We know that you have been having questions about weird things that have been happening to you. You feel as if someone is scripting your actions. You feel like a brand new woman after only 21 days using this miracle wonder cream that you are being used. You see, Mr. Bakayarou, the answers all lie in The Fanfic.

Come meet us in the girl's dorm  girl's locker room  girl's toilet  oh all right, you fussy apprentice Film & Theater Club room if you want to find the answers. If you don't know how to get there follow the white dog.

Well, actually we don't have a white dog due to budget cuts (darn administration), but just imagine there's one mysteriously leading you there.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated

Thank you for your support

Prompt action will be welcome

Yours truly

Yours sincerely,

Ayumi Hamasaki  Utada Hikaru  Hirai Ken."

*************

            The door to the room squeaked loudly as Keitaro pushed it open. The room was pitch dark, empty and filled with a musky smell that only empty musky Film & Theater Club rooms could have.

            "…hello? Anyone there?" he called out into the darkness.

            No reply.

            "…hello?...I'm here about the letter."

            A cellphone started ringing from one corner of the room. Suddenly a voice rang out in the darkness. "Master, will you please turn that off? I'm trying to make an entrance here! *ahem*"

            The Excel Saga ringtone stopped abruptly.

            The voice spoke again. "We have been expecting you, Mr. Bakayaro."

            Nothing.

            "…we have been expecting you, Mr. Bakayaro."

            Still nothing.

            "…we have been expecting you, Mr. Bakayaro and this is your cue to turn on the lights, *master*."

            "Oh, right. Darn, I forgot again…"

            Click.

            The old flourescent lights flickered on to reveal the two cloaked figures standing in the corner of the room. Well, not really standing there actually. The shorter one was hastily pressing buttons on his cellphone and the tall one had his head in his hands, rubbing his temples while sighing heavily.

            Keitaro stammered, "I-I-I'm here about the message."

            The tall one stepped forward. "Ah, good. First, let me introduce myself. I am Sega, and this is my master, Commodore. We have been sent on a mission. A mission to locate The One. The person who we believe can save us from the evil menace that looms before us."

            "What does this have to do with my questions about the meaning of life?" Keitaro replied.

            The short one suddenly spoke. "Patience, patience. All great men have patience – Triple H, The Rock, Kurt Angle, Steve Austin, Goldberg."

            "Those are pro-wrestlers, master." Sega mumbled.

            "Nevermind that," Commodore replied as he slowly rose to his full 4'9" height and stared down up at Keitaro, "for our purpose is but one. Mr. Bakayarou, do you believe in fate?"

            "Fate?....no." Keitaro replied.

            "And why not?"

            "Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life."

            Commodore nodded. "I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you are here. You have these questions about how your life is turning out. How weird things keep happening to you. How End of Evangelion could have turned out so badly when compared to the TV series. How life itself works. And it is these things that have brought you to us."

            "…yes, Eva certainly ended weirdly, didn't it?"

            "So you know what I am talking about, Mr. Bakayarou."

            "…The Fanfic?"

            Commodore nodded again. "Do you want to know what it is, Mr. Bakayarou?"

Keitaro nodded slowly.

            Commodore got up and paced across the room. "The Fanfic is everywhere. It is all around us. You see, the world you live in is not a real one. It is a fan fiction, created by this entity known only as Eclipse. You and I are all characters in this fan fiction and we are puppets to be controlled by this entity for the sake of humour and entertainment."

            Keitaro was stunned.

            "Yes, you should be surprised. Your weird thoughts, your questions about your existence. They were not simply figments of your imagination, but they were foreshadowing the truth about your life."

            "It is all scripted," Sega added. "When you walk to school. When you meet Excel. When you go to the mall, or to the anime rental store – it is all made up. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth."

"The truth?"

"Yes, the truth. That you are a slave to this fan fiction. Your misery is the tool of this sadistic form of entertainment common to harem anime lead male characters."

Sega stepped forward. "In my hands there are two DVDs. The white one contains MD Geist : The Director's Cut. If you watch it, you will forget that this conversation ever happened. In fact, you will completely lose all sanity but that's a side effect not listed on the DVD box."

"However, there is the red DVD. If you take it and watch it, then everything will be revealed to you. You may not like what you see, but the choice is entirely yours."

Keitaro stared at the two DVDs for a very long time. His eyes passed over the MD Geist DVD a lot more. This could be my chance to end it all – my miserable life, my existance. I could forget everything ever happened just with this DVD. But yet, I am curious about this whole thing…I want to know the answers. I want to have control over my life. Argh…the choice is too difficult….

Sega turned to his master and whispered, "Master, maybe we should have given him the choice of the Battle Can-Can DVD instead of MD Geist. The cover is less attractive, I would say."

"Quiet, my young apprentice. For the fate of this fan fiction lies in the hands of this young adolescent." Commodore replied.

"But master, aren't we adolescents too? Most anime heroes have to be bishoujo or bishounen adolescents, so this fan fiction isn't any different."

"True, true." Commodore replied.

Keitaro faced them with a determined look.

"I have made my decision," Keitaro announced, as he reached for the MD Geist DVD.

To be continued…