Memories of Excel – Chapter 2
We now return you to your regularly scheduled Excel Saga fanfic…
Keitaro placed his hand on the MD Geist DVD. "I-I-I can't continue living in this miserable life. I must end it all."
Sega grabbed his arm. "What do you mean you don't want to find out? What kind of hero are you? You're supposed to be the One of the prophecy! Even the UNO cards said so!"
"So you *do* believe me!" Commodore exclaimed.
"Oh, shut up," Sega replied. "Mr. Bakayarou! How can you be like this?"
Keitaro slumped into a chair. "I-I-I can't do it. Hey, even Evangelion could be successful with a wimp as the lead character."
Commodore placed his cellphone on the table. "So, Mr. Bakayarou. You will sacrifice your objective of getting Excel to confess to you under the tree? You do not want to meet her again?
"…I-I-I don't know…"
Commodore slid the phone towards Keitaro. "Call her."
"What?"
"Call her."
Keitaro slowly pressed the number for Excel's cellphone. It started ringing.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Click.
"Waaa! A call on my cellphone! I'm in a big situation now…hello, who is it?"
Keitaro eyes lit up slightly. "Excel, it's me."
"I'm kinda busy now, K-kun. Wait a sec…..(slashing of knives in the background)…come back here, Menchi!...(yelping of dog)…(more slashing)…hrmph! He got away again…I'm so hungry…"
Yes, Commodore was right. How could he forget Excel?
(slash)
That sweet voice…
(chop)
That innocent look…
(more yelping)
"I'll take it. I want to know the secret behind the Fanfic." Keitaro said as he placed the cellphone back on the table. His hand reached for the red DVD and he slowly opened it.
Keitaro showed no emotion on his face, but as the box opened his eye flinched slightly.
Commodore turned to his apprentice with a triumphant look on his face. "Look, my young apprentice! Once again I have succeeded!"
"Yes, master! That was an excellent move. No wonder the Council chose you for this mission." Sega replied enthusiastically.
Commodore nodded.
"There's no DVD inside."
"What?"
Keitaro shook the empty box. "There's no DVD inside."
Commodore let out a shout. "Ah! I forgot to put it in the box…"
Sega mumbled something about taking back his words as Commodore started rummaging through his backpack.
"Ah, here it is!...er…no, that's American Pie…here it…no, that's the VCD version…aha!"
Commodore
handed the DVD to Keitaro. "You can use the DVD player over there," he said,
gesturing to the equipment in the corner of the club room."
The television screen flickered to life as the DVD started. The blurred image of Commodore appeared onscreen.
"Mr. Suzuki, we are glad you have made this choice to find out the truth."
"Suzuki?" asked Keitaro, slightly surprised.
"We can't keep recording new DVDs for each person we meet," Commodore replied, nonchalantly.
"You see, Mr. Suzuki – the world around us is actually a fan fiction created for the sadistic entertainment of Excel Saga fans. You, Mr. Suzuki, are the main character in this fan fiction."
A shadowy image of a bespectacled figure hunched over a keyboard appeared.
"This is Eclipse. He is the one who created this fan fiction. He is The Writer. He alone has control over you, your actions and your life."
"But not for long. You see, we are agents of the Fanfic Oppression Opposition League. Also known as Sentinels. Our ultimate mission is to eliminate the writer of this fan fiction and thus free us from being bound to a script, or "fate" as you may call it."
"A prophecy from long ago stated that there will be one man who will have the capability to go against the Fanfic and release us from this oppression. That person is you, Mr. Suzuki. The Magic : The Gathering cards will not predict wrongly."
The DVD stopped abruptly.
Sega was holding the remote, looking rather embarrassed. "I don't think we need to keep watching that, Mr. Suzu..I mean, Mr. Bakayarou."
He slid a photo across the table to Keitarou. It was a picture of Ilpalazzo.
Keitaro picked the photo up. "Hey, I know him. He's the president of the School Domination club. Rather cocky fellow, I would say."
Commodore nodded. "He is a minion of Eclipse. He serves the Fanfic and his sole purpose is eliminating everything that can pose a threat to the continuing plot of this fan fiction. You must be wary of him."
Keitaro nodded attentively. "There's this question…how do you FOOLS exist in the Fanfic since you are not controlled by the Writer?"
Sega stood up angrily. "You dare call us fools?"
"Sit down, my young apprentice," Commodore ordered as he placed a hand on Sega's arm, "for he is right in calling us fools. We are of course, Fanfic Oppression Opposition League Sentinels or FOOLS for short."
Sega snorted. "I kept telling you that the acronym was a bad idea. Now I'm all confused."
Commodore continued, "Forgive my young apprentice. He is very impulsive. Now, back to your question – we, the FOOLS are continuity errors in the plot structure of this fan fiction. Elements of our characters contradict each other. As such, the Writer is unable to control us. Instead, we exist in the Temporal Omni Influencing Loophole Entity Transfer."
"What?"
"The TOILET."
"Ah."
"And so," Commodore went on, "we can enter the Fanfic by creating plot holes in the story, thus ripping apart the fabric of the fan fiction continuum and creating us here. We can also manipulate the story to suit us through the Dynamic Opposition Orifice Dependant Open-"
"Enough, master," Sega said as he stood up.
"But I haven't told him about the DOO DOO yet…"
Sega turned to Keitaro. "I will cut the story short. Your success with Excel at the end of these three years of high school is the key to our fight against the Fanfic. You must win Excel's heart at all costs!"
"But what shall I do?" Keitaro asked.
"First of all, you must do all that normal couples do while dating. And also, you must find out as much as you can about the Fanfic and Ilpalazzo. But be warned, the Writer will try to foil you from dating Excel so be on your guard."
Sega removed a small contraption from his cloak. He placed it in Keitaro's hands. "This is a communicator. Place it in your ear. It will allow us to communicate from the…*cough*…TOILET and you can call for help with it. It also allows us to locate you and manipulate the plot for you."
Keitaro plugged it into his right ear.
"And lastly, we will assign you a Sentinel codename. You will be now known as Neo-Geo, the…*cough*…"
"Say it, my young apprentice. You can do it." Commodore encouraged.
Sega swallowed hard. "Neo-Geo, the….*cough*…the FOOLS."
Commodore jumped. "Yatta! You said it! Yippee!"
"Neo-Geo. We must leave you now. But remember your objective!" Sega cautioned as he opened a small device from his cloak. It filled the room with a brilliant purple light and a small plothole opened in the center of the room.
Commodore shook Keitaro's hand. "Good luck. And may the FART be with you. Hey, I haven't told you about the FA-"
"Master, we should go now," an extremely embarrassed Sega called out from inside the plothole.
"Coming, coming."
The plothole had barely sealed when Keitaro heard a scream coming from down the corridor. It was Excel.
Keitaro kicked open the doors of the club room. Down the hallway, he could see Excel screaming at the sight of Ilpalazzo walking slowly towards her.
"Stay away from her!" Keitaro shouted as he ran towards the two of them.
Ilpalazzo's head turned slightly towards him as he raised his hand slowly…
