Memories of Excel – Chapter 3
Okaaaay, so there are a few things in the first 2 chapters that don't follow the continuity of the anime. Am I going to correct them? No, of course not. The whole fanfic is a continuity error, so sit back and relax!
Okay, back to the story…
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April 17, 19xx 8.27pm
…and so it turned out that Excel was screaming because Ilpalazzo actually bothered to greet her as he walked by. I mean, what's there to squeal about when a guy such as *him* walks by? It's just a crush, a harmless little schoolgirl crush. It will pass.
Well, I only found that out later today when Excel told me (in an extremely long explanation of how cool and handsome Ilpalazzo-sama is) earlier today. At that time as I was rushing to her, Ilpalazzo pulled this weird rope that was mysteriously hanging from the ceiling. Then this trapdoor suddenly opened under me and I fell in. I don't know how long it took for me to hit the bottom, but when I did I landed in a monkey cage in the local zoo. This must be the power of that stupid Fanfic that the two…er…darn I forgot their names…ah! Gameboy and Playstation…no, that's not it…no…er…
Nevermind! If this Ilpal-bozo guy thinks I'm a monkey, I'll show him exactly what I think about that! In the end, *I* will be the one standing over him as he slips in monkey doo-doo! WATCH OUT!! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
Current mood : aggravated
Current music : Yellow / Coldplay
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….
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May 23, 19xx 11.03pm
ONE MONTH! ONE *&^#@*&^@#$(^ MONTH!
every single day of the past month i have ended up in the monkey cage! the stupid monkeys are beginning to recognize me! im tired of yelling at the zookeeper to let me out!
and this stupid stupid communicator doesn't seem like it's working, so I can't reach the two idiots! Where are they when I need them?
Anyway, I've now gathered the courage to ask Excel out on a date. Actually, it's not really a date – I asked her to join the Film & Theater Club with me, because they're starting a new Anime division and I want to spread the joy of Evangelion to the rest of the school!
Current mood : pissed!!!!
Current music : Dame Dame / Love Hina / Kobayashi Yumiko
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"The Film & … Dater Club?" Excel asked slowly.
"Yes – they're starting a new anime program and I thought that you might be interested. You know, we could, er, join together," Keitaro explained.
Excel thought for a while. "Is Ilpalazzo-sama a member? Will I get to see him there? Ilpalazzo-samamanamanamana looks *so* cool with his cape! And he's so handsome! How can an innocent young schoolgirl like me resist such a great man! Oh, *hug* me, Ilpalazzo-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
"Excel, stop that. People are staring." Keitaro pointed out.
"Iya…really?" Excel mumbled as she looked around at the crowd that had gathered. "HELLOOOOO ALL!!!! My name is Excel, first name Excel last name Excel, currently a member of Class 1A, a beautiful bishoujo who likes dancing, eating, and Ilpalazzo-sama, the most hunkiest, the mostest coolest, extremestly wonderful, greatest leader of the School Domination Clu-"
"Excel, you can't use superlatives like t-"
"-and now I, Excel Excel am the founding president of the Ilpalazzo Eternal Minions Fan Club and I am going to open the membership to *all* the girls who want to join but the rule of membership is very simple – only the President gets Ilpalazzo-sama and everyone has to stay away from him, but that's not exactly a good idea because then people won't have an initiative to serve Ilpalazzo-sama unless I do something like stick posters of him all over the school and-UMMPPHHHH."
Excel was temporarily silenced as Keitaro slapped his hand over her mouth, dragging her forcibly away from the mob of screaming schoolgirls fighting over the "LOVE ILPALAZZO" flyers that Excel has tossed in the air.
After spending an hour explaining the benefits of joined the club to Excel, she finally agreed and followed him to the first meeting. They were not the only ones that were interested, as a large crowd people had gathered outside the club room, waiting for the meeting to start.
Holding Excel's soft hands with his right hand and a roll of masking tape with his left, Keitaro led her through the crowd to the door.
"Look Excel – we have to sign our names on this list if we want to join," Keitaro said, pointing at the large paper pasted on the door. He pulled out a pen from his pocket and wrote his name and class on the list. He then passed it to Excel and she signed the list.
"Ur…Excel, 'Love Ilpalazzo-sama Forever' doesn't qualify as your name and class."
Excel looked a bit resigned. "But I want the whole school to know of my love for Ilpalazzo-sama!"
Keitaro bit his lip. "Excel, we're supposed to sign up by writing *our* names."
"But but but but but but but but but but but it's all for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama!"
"Exxxxccccceeeeeeelllllllll…."
There was a light tap on Keitaro's shoulder. He turned around to face a rather scrawny youth staring back at him. He had a dark complexion and obvious foreign features and he was pointing to the list.
"Do you have a pen?" he asked with a raspy voice.
Keitaro handed it to him.
"Say," Keitaro asked, "you don't look like you come from around here. What are you doing in this school?"
The youth's face lit up. "I am Pedro. I am a foreigner who suddenly appeared in Japan. I am studying here because the sexy girl I like is studying here also."
"And why are you signing up for this club?" Keitaro added.
"Oh…I think that she is also here. That is why I am joining so I can get closer to her. I am so lucky that you have a pen, because there is only room for one more member on this list and no one else around here has a pen for me to sign it," Pedro replied.
Keitaro smiled. "Well then, you can keep the pen if you want to."
"Thank you!" Pedro gushed, shaking Keitaro's hand vigorously, "I will now sign the list."
Pedro turned to sign the list as Keitaro and Excel entered the room.
"That was a nice thing you did, giving him the pen," Excel said as they chose seats.
"Oh, that was nothing. I think the pen was running out of ink."
At that very moment, they heard a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
Keitaro looked around. The seats had been arranged to face the front of the room where a large screen stood. There were senior members scurrying around getting things done while the new members sat in the chairs, waiting for the meeting to start. He turned to the guy sitting next to him.
"What are we waiting for?" he asked.
The guy turned to him. "Oh, I think we're waiting for the President to arrive. I don't know who he is, but he certainly sounds important."
About 15 minutes later, the lights dimmed and a senior member stood up at the front of the room..
"And now, fellow students – let us welcome the President of the Film & Theater Club!"
The door swung open and a figure stepped into the darkness. As he walked to the front, it looked like something was wrong with his head.
Excel suddenly stood up. "President-san! There looks like some weird furry brown animal is eating your head! But nevermind, I, Excel Excel will attack this creature for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama although he is not here at the moment! I am now going to attack the brown animal on your head like I attack Menchi!"
With that, she dived onto the President and began ripping at the brown furry animal on his head with a primal fury that only a hungry lion in heat lost in a Viagra factory could have. Someone ran to the light switch and turned on the lights, revealing a rather surprised Excel seated on the President and holding chunks of his hair in her hands.
"Err…the brown animal has disappeared," she said, rather perplexed.
The President got up and dusted his red coat with an annoyed look. "It's an afro hairstyle, girl. Get used to it."
Straightening his yellow tie, he walked in front of the screen.
"*Now* that we are over with that Animal Planet special presentation," he said as he glared at Excel, "I would like to introduce myself."
He jumped onto a high chair which a senior member had placed at his side. "I'm Nabeshin."
Suddenly, a man got up from the crowd, holding a pistol in his hand.
"Nabeshin! Finally I have found you after all these years! Say your prayers and prepare to die!" he yelled.
Nabeshin's eyes showed no emotion. "So, you return to take Tetsuko away from me. You will NEVER have her!" he shouted as he pulled out two AK-47s from behind him and opened fire at the man, blowing him out of the wall and far into the sky. Dropping the guns, he ran to the vice-president and they embraced, shedding tears.
"Tetsuko…I'm so glad to have you with me," he cried.
"Me too, Nabeshin…I will always be with you," Tetsuko cried back.
A girl stepped out it front. "Sorry about that, everyone. This is something that happens all the time to our President and Vice-President so please put away your sweatdrops and remain calm. We will now return to our regular meeting."
Excel stood there, confused as ever. She slowly returned to her seat as Nabeshin stepped back in front, wiping his tears away with a Kleenex.
"Like I said, I am Nabeshin. President of the Film & Theater Society and aspiring director. Under my leadership, you all will become great members that will make this storyline proud!"
The members cheered with support as Nabeshin sat down at a nearby table and proceeded to sign autographs.
After the meeting ended, Keitaro and Excel went to meet Nabeshin.
"Ur…Nabeshin-sempai, Excel here has something to say," he said, knudging Excel hard.
She stepped forward. "Err…Nabeshin-san, I would like to, er, apologize for attacking your…hair because, um, I thought it was a big animal like Menchi because it had all the brown fur and was wiggling around as you walked and so I thought that if I were to attack it and eat it then you will be safe and I, the bishoujo Excel Excel will then be more famous so that Ilpalazzo-sama would recognize me and our love that is written in the destiny of this universe can finally come true even though I think that I wi-"
"I think she means to apologize," Keitaro interrupted as Excel continued to ramble on about Ilpalazzo-sama's sparkling hair and deep voice and how fate cannot keep them apart.
Nabeshin nodded. "It's okay. I have been dabbling in directing films for some time now, and I had this idea of creating a weird type of anime, kind of like an experiment. The inspiration for the anime had eluded me for months now, until today, when the idea hit me and started tearing at my afro."
"You don't mean," Keitaro said, glancing nervously at Excel who was now handing out posters of Ilpalazzo to the crowd that had gathered around her.
Nabeshin nodded again, eyes closed. "Yes, such a great idea for an anime."
"I don't think this is a good idea, Nabeshin-sempai. She's just too weird."
Nabeshin looked up at Keitaro.
"Who said anything about that girl? I'm talking about my afro."
"Your…afro?"
"Yes. It will be the main character of the anime and will have multiple encounters with a barber's scissors but will be resurrected each time by the Great Wigmaker of the Universe! An idea only a genius like me could think of!"
Keitaro sighed and walked away, leaving Nabeshin facing a mirror and making preliminary character sketches based on his afro.
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July 3rd, 19xx 9.17pm
When I woke up today I found this blue paper on my study desk. It said something like "Warehouse Clearance Sale! Everything must go! Hurry hurry hurry!". I suppose that it's supposed to be a message from what's his name Computerdoor or something, but he probably messed it up and sent me this flyer instead. I guess I'll have to wait around. This 'communicator' that they gave me doesn't work at all – it just hums and vibrates when I switch it on.
Oh, and I'm beginning to get this strange feeling about Excel's crush on Ilpalazzo. It seems to be getting WAY out of hand, especially since she has forced me to join the School Domination Club in exchange for the membership in Nabeshin's club. Anyway, a promise is a promise…
Current mood : perplexed
Current music : my ceiling fan
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Excel skipped happily along the school corridor, singing "Love Ilpalazzo-sama forever", a song that she written and had been repeating over and over for the past month. Keitaro followed nervously behind her.
"Excel, hurry up! We're going to be late for the club meeting!"
She frolicked on, oblivious to Keitaro's urging.
Eventually, they reached the heavily fortified door of the School Domination Club. It was made of reinforced steel and had this big message "Members only" etched onto its surface with what could only have been a blade of some sort. Excel pushed the door open and they walked in nervously.
The room was dark, just like in any tense moment in a cheap horror movie.
"Walk to the middle of the room," ordered a voice.
Excel leapt happily to the middle. Keitaro hesistated for while, but then seeing that the club room door had closed by itself, he had no other choice.
"Stand within the squares that are on the floor, please," the voice continued.
Keitaro looked down. There were some red lines painted on the floor to form a crude square. For a moment, he thought he could see hinges protruding from the floor, but it was too dark to make out anything.
A spotlight suddenly shone on the two of them. Squinting from the glare of the light, Keitaro could barely make out a huge figure seated on a chair in front of them. His shoulders were large and he was holding something shaped like an electric guitar.
Keitaro slowly gathered the courage to speak. "I-I-Is this the School Domination Club?"
The figure did not move, but a voice coming from behind him answered. "Yes. I assume that you are intending to join our club, Mr. Bakayarou."
"How did you know my name?"
"SILENCE! You have not shown your respect for our President yet. Now, raise your right hand in front of you and shout 'Hail Ilpalazzo!'"
Keitaro's face hardened. "Hail that bozo? You call this a stupid club? All we do is come in here, face a spotlight then you ask us to-"
"-Hail Ilpalazzo!!!!" Excel yelled next to him. "My name is Excel, first name Excel last name Excel, the bishoujo minion of Ilpalazzo-sama and also his greatest admirer because my young innocent heart has been captured by the dashing superiority of Ilpalazzo-sama and his plan of school domination, which I think is the mostest noblest incrediblest wonderfullest goal that any great leader should have which is why I, Excel will now carry out this simple task for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama in the vain hope that he will kiss my-"
"-as I was saying," Keitaro continued, "I will not do a stupid thing like that. In fact, I would rather have a fork stuck up my-"
"-but with the combined power of the young and beautiful Excel and the great Ilpalazzo-sama," Excel added, "the whole school will bow before Ilpalazzo's incredible-"
"SILENCE!" the voice shouted.
The figure rose from his seat. "Cue the lights."
The room lights lit up, flooding the room with…er…light. Ilpalazzo stood in front, dressed in his usual cape and shoulder pads. To his left, Keitaro noticed Excel faint with adoration.
Ilpalazzo turned to Keitaro. "Mr. Bakayarou, we meet again."
Keitaro spat on the floor.
"You impudent fool! How dare you do that in the presence of Ilpalazzo-sama!" shouted the voice from behind him. He turned around to see a very beautiful girl dressed in body-hugging leather but wearing a belt loading with Pocky biscuit sticks.
"Oh, I forgot to introduce my assistant," Ilpalazzo added, "Mr. Bakayarou, meet Wat Huu. She is a Chinese girl trained as a ninja. She has kindly volunteered to be my assistant and my bodyguard because she has patience and composure that can be rivaled by none."
Wat bowed. "All for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama."
By this time, Excel had gotten up and was staring jealously at Wat. "You, you, you woman! Why are you working for Ilpalazzo-sama?"
Wat glared at her. "I was here first! You are nothing but a bug to Ilpalazzo-sama!"
"Ilpalazzo…sama?" Excel shouted, "you dare call him Ilpalazzo sama? You, you, what's your name, you!"
"Wat Huu."
Excel stopped for a moment. "What? Who?"
"Yes."
"So, your name is Yes!" Excel yelled, "Watch as we prove who is the greatest minion of Ilpalazzo-sama!"
Wat fumed. "My name is not yes!"
"Then what is your name?!!" Excel yelled back.
"Yes!"
Excel glared back at her. "Don't try to confuse me, you evil woman! Tell me your name so that I may exact revenge for Ilpalazzo-sama!"
"My name is Wat!" she shouted, fists shaking with anger.
"Why are you asking me?" Excel shot back.
"That *is* my name!"
"So your name is That!"
Amidst the chaos, Ilpalazzo was strumming his guitar lightly.
"This is an overused, extremely boring mix-up that has been used countless times in fanfictions, shows and similar useless entertainment. I am beginning to question the intelligence of the writer of this stupid fanfiction that has the gall to put me in it."
He put the guitar down and stood up as a rope lowered from the ceiling.
"Excel. Wat."
They both turned to him in unison.
"Test gravity for me," he said as he nonchalantly pulled the rope.
Ilpalazzo faced Keitaro again. "This is how I handle disruptions to my organization."
Keitaro was looking down the trapdoors which Excel and Wat had fallen through. Suddenly remembering his frequent visits to the monkey cage, he stood up and saluted.
"Hail Ilpalazzo!"
Ilpalazzo nodded. "That's better."
A large screen lowered from the ceiling. Some overhead maps of the school premises appeared, followed by random pictures of students fighting at cafeteria queues, sleeping in class, throwing paper wrappers on the floor and surfing anime message boards with the school computers.
"This school is corrupt! Students have degraded to this level, carrying out such despicable acts in broad daylight!" Ilpalazzo spoke, with the charisma of a great public speaker. "These youth are the future of society! We cannot let them become such uncivilized creatures. That is why we, the School Domination Club will seek to eradicate all corrupt elements of this society and bring-"
"-but those are just minor offenses. All students do stuff like that," Keitaro interjected.
The rope lowered again.
"You interrupted me."
Keitaro's knees started shaking vigorously. "I-I-I thought that you were o-o-overdoing it, Ilpalazzo-er..sama."
Ilpalazzo's fingers closed around the end of the rope. "Give me one reason why I should not pull this rope."
"Ilpalazzo-sama! Er…you should not pull that rope because, er, I am your, er, loyal servant," Keitaro spat out, desperately following Excel's dialogue, "and I…er…will follow you to the ends of the Earth as your minion that admires your dashing handsomeness and my young innocent heart will not-"
"Alright," Ilpalazzo interrupted. "Mr. Bakayarou."
"Yes!"
"There are 3 things I want you to do for me."
"Yes!"
Ilpalazzo grunted. "One. Do not interrupt me again."
"Yes!"
"Two. If you want to spout dialogue like that, go find a yaoi fanfic and stay there."
"Yes!"
"Three."
"Yes?" Keitaro asked, relieved that he was still standing on solid ground.
Ilpalazzo's fingers tightened. "The monkey cage needs cleaning. Go help out your species."
Pull.
