Chapter 17
Trying
"In the kitchen, Now!" Buffy barked at Spike.
"Bloody hell, what did I do now, Slayer?" Spike implored as he moved to follow her into the kitchen.
"What the hell was that? Spike we are not together. How could you make it sound like we were?" a pissed-off slayer demanded.
"For starters luv, everyone knows how I feel about you. It isn't a secret. And by the way, you're the one that told everyone. You couldn't wait to tell your friends and family that Spike was in love with you. Why was that?" Spike inquired while staring into her hard eyes.
"Because I was disgusted……" but she was cut off by his waving arms and uneasy pacing.
~*~*~*~*~
"Maybe we should go make sure that Spike is not going to end up fitting in an ashtray" Dawn asked as she got up to go to the kitchen.
"Dawn, this is something they need to work out on their own" Willow told her. Willow was quickly determining that her friend cared more for Spike than she was willing to admit. Maybe Dawn and her should leave for awhile and give them a chance to talk. Before she changed her mind she grabbed Dawn by the hand and started to pull her toward the front door. She yelled, "Buffy, Dawn and I was going to mall to buy the new Ghost of the Robot CD. We will pick up ice cream on the way home. We'll be back in an hour."
Dawn pulled away from Willow long enough to call out, "Buffy don't stake Spike while we're gone."
*~*~*~*~*~
Spike stopped pacing and turned to Buffy. "You don't get it luv."
"What don't I get that you are in love with me or that you are an evil disgusting thing?" Buffy spat.
"You would like that wouldn't you. You want it to be that simple. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but it is a little more complicated than that" he stated while moving closer to her and invading her personal space. She held her ground and stared at him coldly almost daring him to continue. As she gazed into his eyes she could see his pain, hunger, longing and a few other emotions that she could not determine. His facial features softened and he stepped back. "Fine luv, have it your way. I'll be going," he said softly as he started out the kitchen door.
"Is that it for the lesson. I sure didn't learn much" she called to him.
He stopped his shoulders sagged and his head dropped but he didn't turn to face her. "Buffy what do you want from me?" There was no answer from her, so he continued "Just like I thought. Do you get a little thrill from having someone as dangerous as me under your thumb?" When turning back to see her reaction he was met with a fist to the face. "I hit to little to close to home, didn't I luv" he laughed devilishly.
"Shut up Spike!" she yelled.
"Come on Buffy, stop lying to yourself. What do you want from me? What do you want us to be?" He grabbed her by the shoulders and begged her for answers. "In your fantasies how does it play out? Are we just secret lovers that met so you can scratch some itch…." he paused for a moment before continuing "…or are we more?"
Why did he have to look at her like that? Why was every single emotion he was feeling revealed on that beautiful sculptured face of his? Before she could think one word slipped from her lips "More."
Tremors raced through his body and his bottom lip quivered. A small smile crossed his lips and he sighed, "Buffy" just before his lips met hers.
She clung to him with desperation. God help her, she had missed this so much. Her hands moved over his body and she wanted to drown in him. Strong hands ripped his shirt from his body, because she wanted to touch every inch of his flesh.
She burned him with her touch. This woman was driving him insane, but he didn't care he just wanted more. No he could not let her do this to him again. Breaking off the kiss he pulled away just enough to see her face. "Buffy you know I'm your willing slave, but if I am only going to be some play thing to you then please stop now, because I don't have the strength" he pleaded with his eyes, his voice, and his heart.
"Spike I want you but it is complicated and …………" the rest of her reply was cut off when he shouted, "Life is complicated. But your to afraid to even try." He shook his head as he stepped away from her. His left hand clutched his chest just over his heart as he continued, "That other slayer was willing to take a chance. She was afraid too, but she was brave enough to live in the world."
"Spike that is not fair and you know it. She did not have to endure the pain I did. Compared to my life hers is a picnic. I'm sorry if I can't make you promises. God, isn't it enough that I admit I want you?" she asked.
He gave her a sad smile and replied "Once I thought it was more than I could ever hope for, more than I ever deserved, but it is killing me Buffy. Every day a little piece of me dies, but I still can't walk away." His head and arms dropped in defeat.
Buffy urgently needed to touch him. She placed a tentative hand on his chest. Her fingers lightly moved over him. Slowly he raised his head as his hands reached for her hand taking it from his chest and bringing it to his lips where he peppered it with light kisses. When she met his eyes, he whispered "I love you."
She could not take it any longer and she pulled him to her for a demanding kiss. When they finally broke apart she whispered in his ear "I will try. It won't be like before. No more secrets from my friends, I promise." All he could think was there must be a God.
TBC
