Well...

       After a couple of days of Pam's rugby tutoring, (which did tend toward the aggresive it has to be said) Gandalf had delt with his drug issues and decided once again to resume control of the group, which during his 'absence' had started to resemble the cast of 'Carry On Camping.'

  "We must  make progress. We have already lost much time. We must make for the bridge of Khazad-Dum ."

There was the faintest hint of music in the background. Every one looked at Gandalf, he shuffled his feet and switched hands with his staff, aware of the girl's sniggers and winks.

"He is right." Aragorn decided to assume his natural authority, despite the weight of dodgy back-catalogue, straight to video releases that weighed upon him.

The girls exchanged glances, Hannah was still an interesting shade of green and Pamela was tossing her hair at Boromir.

"Right," said Gemma "lets go then. But keep that dwarf away from Han, she isn't feeling well."

  Dwarves are the tunnel kings. They make the guys from The Great Escape look like amateurs.
The Fellowship, (plus female companions) were walking through high vaulted ceilings and along tunnels that extended for miles.The only illumination was provided by the light of Gandalf's staff, which looked suspiciously like light bulb...

  Gimli was looking around him with unrestrained pride . " These mines are thousands of years old and were constucted out of the very living rock."

Rachel glared at him, she was doing history at university and she wasn't in the mood for a lecture.

The party made its straggling and somewhat inept way along the tunnels. The going  was tough and it was not made easier by the fact that the party had to constantly  pause while Gandalf decided on a direction (the lightbulb didn't help. It wasn't only 40 watts)

Eventually   the eternal gloom was broken by the tiniest glint of a light. A sliver of silver light that shined through the deafening dark.


  will follow. Hannah made me stop!!! love you. K xxx

    
  Before anyone could stop him, (and quite frankly who would try?) Gimli shouldered his way through from the back of the group grasping his axe in a rather alarming manner.
  "There is something here. My people!"

As Gimli raced toward the chink of light, Pam accurately observed, "Bugger me, he can shift it for a little one..!"

Boromir and Aragorn nodded agreement to this wise and sage statement.

Gandalf made an effort to try and stop the speeding dwarf, but he got caught up in the
wire that was trailing from his under his robe and a small black box clattered dramatically to the floor.

There was a stunned silence.

Followed by a stunned noise. "You bloody fake!" screamed Rachel. "Thats a battery pack!"

Gemma started to laugh, a strange sound that grew and filled the tunnels and bounced off the walls.

"Quick, in here." Aragorn, grabbed Gemma's hand, she laughed even more.

The group followed Gimli in to the light, only Gandalf, picking up his battery and plugging it back in, heard the slight faraway noise in the tunnels behind them, like running feet....

  Gimli was kneeling in front of the stone tomb that lay directly in the path of the bright sunlight that streamed in through a small window in the rock, a stunning architectural feat in the deep mountains... which was lost on every one in the room.

  Hannah hit the floor with terrific force and sat up rubbing her head and emmiting a torrent of swear-words which made the men the cast her admiring glances, Aragorn appeared to be deeply impressed.

"bloody dwarf! What the sodding hell are you doing kneeling on the floor? Bloody muppet!"

  Aragorn helped her up. Gimli paid no attention to the angry girl and carried on keening in front of the tomb, "Balin is dead! I had hoped... but he is slain" He looked at Frodo who acknowledged the weight of this statement.

  "Oh. My. God!" Kelly said slowly and deliberately from the other side of the room. Gimli finally looked up to see the entire group, excepting himself, Gandalf, Frodo and Sam huddled in a corner staring around the room in horror.

The room was littered with corpses in various states of decay. The problem was many of the corpses looked like they hadn't been particularly attractive before their untimely ends. "What were they?" asked Rachel

Gandalf sighed, "They are Orc's. They have been on our trail for a little while, they will be here soon."

The girls were outraged. " You could have told us sooner!" Gemma yelled. Legolas laid a calming hand on her arm. "You will be safe. I will see that no harm will come to you."
  Gemma smiled and sidled over to him.

"Well I'm not going to stand here," said Rachel decisively. "I'm going to fight."

  Gandalf actually smiled at her, "I knew you would come in useful."

There was a noise outside the room, this time everyone heard it, and it was definitely running feet, lots of them... And there was something else.

The taller members of the party ran to the door in an attempt to close it. Aragorn looked round, "Boromir, you have a line here...!"

Boromir looked up guiltly, dropped Pam's hand and rushed over to the door. "What is it...?" He looked out the door, "Oh yeah, I remember, they've got a cave troll. O shit a cave troll!"


  Will have to stop there, am too tired! But have something else to add before we get to Khazad-Dum. Is only

ok, so i will finish this bit... and dont bloody add anything!!!

The running feet advanced on the small corpse-filled room, the Fellowship now found themselves trapped in. The feet were fairly frightening by themselves, but were upgraded to terrifying when accompanied by various hisses and high-pitched giggles and slow deliberate, heavy footsteps.

The walls were beginning to shake.

"Is this fucking Jurrasic Park or what?" Hannah was starting to exhibit signs of nervousness.

"Right," Aragorn turned to the group in best 'manly-holding-sword' pose that he hoped to see on the poster. "Is everyone armed?"

Kelly, Gemma and Hannah eagerly accepted the offered swords. Pam and Rachel looked at Aragorn in utter disgust.

"We don't need swords." Pam said calmly.

Aragorn looked sceptical, ok truth be told, Aragorn started to laugh.

Rachel folded her arms. She had a look.

Aragorn stopped laughing and suddenly decided he had something very urgent to say to Legolas.

The music started again, but with a more ominous tone. The noise outside the room had reached fever pitch. It was show time.


The door, which was not as tough as it looked unfortunately, was broken down in seconds with the swing of a giant grey fist. Shards of wood shattered across the room causing the girls to duck and Boromir to scream in a fairly unheroic way.

The shards of wood were followed by orcs. Lots of them.

The girls performed heroically. Rachel in particular seemed to be working out a very specific grudge.

The Fellowship were battling well, but were undeniably the losing team, until the Orcs began to retreat.... To make way for the cave troll.

The cave troll looked exactly like its name, that is a troll made out of a cave.

"Oh bugger!" muttered Pam

"Yep." agreed Kelly

Legolas bravely mounted an attack against the troll, Boromir assisted only to be thrown against the wall. Pam tried to help, only to meet with the same punishment, luckily she had a softer landing as Boromir hadn't had chance to get up yet.

Merry and Pippin were ready to attack in a pincer movement when Kelly grabbed Merry's arm.
"Wait! Don't you think he looks really sad?"

"Erm, can't say that was the first thing I noticed about him."

"You're right actually." Joined in Hannah, "That big collar thing looks like it's rubbing as well."

"Hey! Hey! Troll! Big Guy! Down Here!" Kelly began dancing up and down in front of the troll who eventually saw her and stopped shaking Gimli.

"Urgh."

"He said hello." piped up a voice.

Everyone turned to look at Gemma, who shrugged. "What? Everyone sounds like that when I'm drunk."

"Well translate then." said Kelly. Everyone else was still staring at Gemma.

"Are you ok?" Yelled Kelly. "Do you need some help?"

"Urgh. Erm Urgh."

Everyone, including the troll, who was still holding Gimli upside down in his huge hand looked at Gemma expectantly.

"He said that the orcs bully him. Oh and his name is Gladys. He's a girl."

"Fucking hell!" Hannah, the practising Catholic in the group, made her feelings known.

"I would have to agree with that." said Aragorn and was rewarded with a lovely smile from Hannah.

'Gladys', the troll dropped Gimli, and the dwarf suddenly discovered the need for a helmet.

"Well, I think you're a very pretty troll. You know as troll's go." Offered Pam helpfully.

The troll bended it's enormous face in to something resembling a smile.

Apparently the troll was happy to hear this.

"Yeah." joined in Hannah, "You know you should get out more, you would look fantastic with a tan."

"You could get yourself a troll boyfriend-thingy." Finished Rachel.

Gladys was now positively beaming.

"You don't know the way out of these caves do you?"

"Urgh. Urgh."

Gemma smiled. "Yep. He, I mean she said to follow her."

Gandalf who had been watching this exchange with mounting disbelief, now felt the need to step in, "Are you trying to tell me that this cave troll was only trying to kill us because she was misunderstood?"

Pam gave him an understanding smile, "You've never watched 'Trisha' have you?"

The group left Balin's tomb, now filled with considerably more orc bodies than when they had entered it.

Jogging behind the cave troll, or in the Hobbit's case running, the group made their way to Khazad-Dhum.......