A/N: hello lovely, lovely people! Pam is back, and this is the first chapter that has not been pre-written! From now on this is all original material. Am excited! On Friday night Kelly and I discovered a new magic potion called the Orange Stuff (original ain't we?). This is a delightfully refreshing beverage involving lemon vodka, and any brand of orange fizzy (soda) drink you prefer. Slips down very nicely! By the time Rachel returned home from work, she had two very giggly friends watching Fellowship, and playing our made up drinking game!

This game has lots of complicated rules, which get too complicated as the film continues and you're rat-arsed. Sometimes its just easier to give up all these rules and just follow the one - drink every time you want to shag one of the characters senseless. Doing this, Rachel had soon caught up with us!

However it meant that after three hours of restless sleep (and nightmares about Balrogs for Pam - don't ask!) it meant two hungover and tired girls had to get up and catch train to London! We saw Sean Bean! With his top off! (Can you say 'gym membership?' As Kell said, he obviously had seen he spent a lot of the second half topless, and headed straight for the weight machines. And God was it worth it! The man is buff! And beautiful...and very very sexy. *drool*) And in various other sexy outfits. And a rather attractive actor called Barnaby Kay played Banquo. It was of course our Macbeth trip. It rained, Sean snuck in the front entrance while we waited in the rain feeling like stalkers at the Stage Door, and then he didn't come out afterwards (something about getting a back rub, well he only had to ask!)... in even heavier rain! Although we did meet Simon Callow who was at the performance and got his autograph. And the guy who played Banquo was lovely! (And as Kelly put it...'God that man can fill a pair of cords'.. he had a lovely arse!). Of course both of us have an interest in the theatre, and have studied it, so feel obliged to mention that it was a bloody good performance, it was just that Sean has such a commanding presence on stage you can't take your eyes from him. And he and Samantha Bond had genuine chemistry. Sigh........ *Pam goes into daydream....again.*

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To all our lovely reviewers:

Taurus Dragon.... Oh you poor thing! Get well soon, and thank you for the lovely review. Kelly also gets upset about the cave troll (I'm too busy complaining that it threw Boromir into the wall to notice!) and the idea that it is female is just cool. We love Gladys!

Icarii Sunset: Glad you're enjoying it honey! But I'm sorry to tell you that you can't have Legolas this time, but we promise to return him in (reasonably) good condition to all those that stake a claim on him! (So he'll be returned in teeny weeny little pieces then)

Incurelf: Hi again! You're still reviewing! We're beginning to think that we should adopt you! And don't worry about asking too many questions, how else are you supposed to find out the answers to life, love and the universe (although we don't claim to have any knowledge on those things!) I'm alleymap because its Pamela backwards with two extra letters. That is actually very boring. Have never realised that before. Sorry I don't have a more exciting answer for you!

Razzle Dazzle: Out of a trash can?! I'm surprised you lived through your college years! Thank you for the review!

Dave Rocks: Hello again to you as well! It's really nice that people are sticking with this (although they might change their mind after this chapter...have severe writers block and a lack of a sense of humour at the mo'). We'll try to include more Gemma/Leggy action, but we keep getting distracted by Men from Gondor and hobbits. Easily done! (mmmm... Boromir....)

Kurt Cobain2000: Steve!!!!! Hello babe! Thank you for reviewing! If I see Roger I'll send him back... but he might be happier in Middle Earth, couldn't understand a thing he said in Biology. (Might just be me though). He'll probably be working for Sauraman, trying to explain why he can't cross breed goblins and orcs because they have different carbohydrate molecules, amino acid protein strands, and because he bloody said so! So he's probably being held in an underground cell in Isengard. Oh well... no loss there! Go the Glovers! (C'mon boys get out of the Nationwide and into a bloody division).. Oh and Arsenal for the Treble! (or double!) xxx
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Right. The Fellowship, plus their five delightful female companions, who do not have drinking problems or a growing obsession with LOTR are lost in the depths of Moira. (Gandalf has now given up correcting, and is contemplating using his staff on the girls if they don't fucking shut up). Having sorted out the complexes of Gladys the attractive (for a cave troll) cave troll, they are being led by her to the Bridge of Khazad Dum. Hormones and pheromones are flying, there is inter species relationships starting up, and non inter species relationships are thriving. There is also a sense of impending doom shadowing over these events, to which Legolas the Pretty Elf is particularly sensitive.

And so we resume our adventure....

As the Fellowship followed Gladys, sharing various beauty tips along the way, an ominous beat could be heard in the background.

Legolas for once not looking quite as pretty as he usually does, had turned a funny shade of green.

Despite repeated promptings from Gemma (and offers to do rather kinky things) he would only mutter "Evil - a great evil is coming"

(A/N: The next paragraph marked * had been written by Kelly - we were bored on the train.)

*Aragorn paused from stroking Hannah's hair.

"What do your elven eyes see, my friend?'

Legolas shook his head, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish.

Gandalf's magic light ('Bulb' - Rachel) was suddenly drowned by a golden red glow that filled the cavern and illuminated the path before them.

Gandalf paused and raised his staff dramatically (Freudian, ain't it?). "Behold, the Bridge of Khazad Dum, and our way through these mines."

The rest of the group bundled into him, as none of them were playing the slightest bit of attention. Legolas in particular was looking very distracted.

When everyone else had picked themselves up, and Gandalf had brushed his robes off, they did indeed 'behold' the Bridge.

Gemma broke the silence.

"That is not a bridge. That is a bloody sheer cliff face, you crazy old man."

The girls glared at the wizard, except for Pam, who was saying goodbye to Gladys.

"We'll keep in touch, and remember - exfoliate!"*

Pam finally turned around and saw the Bridge. Pam has a severe phobia of bridges. Don't ask.

She went greener than Legolas.

"No fucking way." She crossed her arms determinedly.

"The lot of you can fuck off if you think I'm walking across that fucking stone tightrope."

Gandalf glowered at her. "It is the only goddamn way out of these mines."

"Fine."

She turned and walked off in the direction they had come.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?" Gandalf howled after her.

"We got in that way, I'm going out that way."

She tossed her hair a final time at Boromir, blew him a kiss, and walked back.

"It took us four days to get this far?! And you're just going to walk away?!"

Pam turned, and stared at the wizard coolly. She gave him the finger.

Hannah and Rachel cheered.

Pam walked off through the arch, and paused again.

She was very white (even more so than usual). Her eyes went wide and her mouth fell open (not a good look). Stunned, she stood like that for ten seconds.

Stuck between a bridge and what was approaching, she seemed torn for a few moments over what was worse. Legolas suddenly got even more worried.

Pam suddenly sprinted back very quickly, moving faster than her friends had ever seen her move before, running towards the bridge. As she headed into the distance, her faint cry could just be heard...

"rrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..."

For once Gandalf agreed as he heard the drum beat louder than ever. He turned and ran after Pam.

"FLEE!" he cried back over his shoulder. Each wizard for himself and all that...

The girls were surprised...he could move fast for an OAP.

The Fellowship began to run, even Rachel, but only because Frodo had torn after Gandalf.

"What exactly are we running away from?" Kelly panted. She had Merry under one arm and Pippin under the other. She wasn't risking losing her hobbits.

Gandalf heard her, in the distance, "Orc....goblins...and..."

He was interrupted by the Pretty Elf's terrified scream....("Ai, Ai!")

The elf was petrified and shaking in his pretty knee high boots (obviously in vogue in Middle Earth that season as practically all the men were wearing them). He was so frightened, he didn't even care that he was messing up his hair.

"FANGIRLS".

And so the girls and the Fellowship faced their most fearsome enemy yet. The teenaged girls that are obsessed with LOTR - most with the elf.

Legolas hid.

The rest of the Fellowship were hiding behind the girls... trying to be inconspicuous (and failing miserably).

Ok, so the next bit was a mass confusion of Pam and Rachel doing impressions of Xena Warrior Princess, Gemma was threatening to gouge out the eyes of any fangirls that came too close to Legolas, and Kelly was fiercely protecting her hobbits. Hannah was in the thick of things, just being very cool and destroying anything that came too close. Aragorn was very proud of her.

"They won't die!" Rachel for the first time in her life was worried she was losing a fight. "How do you get rid of them?"

"Don't know!" Pam cried from where she was being jumped on by a girl wearing fairy wings and lots of glitter.

'Leave my Legolas alone!" shouted the glitter/fairy wing wearing fangirl in between jumps.

'What the bloody hell are you talking about you stupid bint?! I don't even like Legolas!" Pam pushed the girl over.

The fangirl's face took on a vacant expression. "But.... But everyone likes Legolas!"

"Not me!" Pam looked seriously pissed off. Fangirl was now serious confused.

"Me neither..." chipped in Kelly.

All the fangirls stopped fighting. This was an alien concept to them.... Not fancying the little pointy ears off Legolas. [Although he is exceptionally pretty].

"Oh.... You like Frodo!" the g/fww fangirl who had apparently nominated herself leader gave a grin as her poor little brain finally reached this conclusion.

"Look, just because the film has been edited to be incredibly Frodo-centric doesn't mean we have to fancy him! The film can be viewed as an example of some of the finest actors in the world coming together to create a visual representation of what is actually a highly complex world built on the model of central European myths. It is an insult to Tolkien and Peter Jackson to simply watch it just because you have a crush on one of the characters..." Kelly began to try to explain to the bewildered fangirls...

["Film?" Aragorn asked confused. "What's a film?"

"Tolkien?" Gimli was puzzled.

"Central European?" Boromir looked delightfully bewildered.

"And who the Hell is Peter Jackson?" Legolas asked from behind Gemma...quietly though, so the fangirls wouldn't notice him.]

Kelly continued...sending evil looks in the direction of the Fellowship...she was actually making a very intelligent point. In fact it was so intelligent she tossed her hair before continuing.

"Tolkien has created a series of intricate male relationships without ever transcending the borders of homosexuality - designed this amazing place, invented several of his own languages, and gave the world this book that has delighted and intrigued people for years! And all you can bloody do is argue over whether Sam is gay ('Hey!" Sam piped up from his nearly forgotten role in this fanfic) and who is hotter, Orlando Bloom or Elijah Wood! And then become Mary Sues and thinking that you're doing something incredibly important...."

"Um... Kell?" Pam interrupted tentatively.

"I'm talking!.... As I was saying, you become Mary Sues..."

"Kelly... sorry babe.. its just that..."

"Pam! Will you bloody let me finish!"

Kelly glared at Pam.... Who squirmed, and then lent over and whispered something into Kelly's ear.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WE'RE MARY SUES?"

Kelly looked very disturbed.

"Well.. technically, since we're in Middle Earth when we should actually be living normal student lifestyles, and we're... well.. y'know... doing... like, stuff, with members of the Fellowship.. we are technically Mary Sues."

Pam was blushing to the tips of her ears.

Kelly slumped. "Oh yeah. Well, you could have told me earlier."

"I thought you knew." Pam leant over and whispered again.

"Ok. So we do sit around and argue over who is sexy in the Fellowship. But at least we don't all fancy Legolas or Frodo."

"Huh?!'

Fangirl Leader who had only understood about 20% of Kelly's lecture looked even more blank at this statement.

"Hey! I fancy Legolas!" Gemma looked miffed. She cheered up when Legolas flicked his hair at her.

"And Frodo's mine! Back off Fangirls!" Rachel hissed in a way that was disturbingly reminiscent of Gollum. ( my precioussssss)

"So who else is there? Aragorn I suppose." The fangirl shrugged. "But he's like really old."

Hannah glared at her.

"Merry! Like very cute!" Kelly couldn't quite believe her ears. Have you not watched the commentary? He's lovely!"

"Boromir." Pam whispered, blushing again.

"What????????????!!!!!!"

Fangirl looked horrified that someone might actually fancy Boromir. "But he's like old as well. And kind of greasy!"

"Rugged...." Pam looked dreamily at Boromir and was rewarded by that gorgeous grin that just wasn't used to its full advantage in the film. Her face fell as she remembered something. "Even if Sean Bean didn't bloody sign autographs..."

Pam fell to the floor and bawled her eyes out! Kelly gave her a hug.

"It's all right pet, there'll be other opportunities to see him..."

"No there won't!"

However this scene of distress was ignored by the fangirls as they spotted Leggy.

Vicious battle continued. Until Legolas got bored and put an arrow through several of the fangirls.

They all looked kinda shocked at the arrows sticking out of their anatomies. They began to wail.... And several of the started quoting from 'Romeo and Juliet'.

The leader was one of the ones that were impaled. She joined in with the terrible overacting of various death scenes.

Legolas flicked his hair at his superb aim.

"Fucking Hell!" Hannah swore. "You've killed them!"

Gandalf, having not said anything for a while decided it was time to set the record straight.

"Actually no. They won't die... they'll just be sent back to wherever they came from."

"Right..." Hannah suddenly became thoughtful. "Do they feel pain?"

"Um. No. Cross dimension stuff. They don't belong here so they don't experience the same laws of ... yeah... stuff... " Gandalf muttered some made up word under his breath and raised his staff again, he felt safe behind his staff. "so no, they don't feel pain. They'll just be transported back to their own world"

All the encouragement the girls needed. Ignoring the fangirls who were quoting long dramatic speeches and vowing to love Legolas forever before mysteriously vanishing, the girls laid into them.

Hannah was poking them with a sharp stick and laughing as they popped like bubbles (although they did leave a horrible nasty sticky residue behind!). Rachel was chucking them over the edge of the cliff, and Pam, who had been rummaging frantically in her pockets suddenly produced a lighter.

(A/N: Please do not try to set fire to fangirls or poke them with a sharp stick. Although an awful lot of them deserve it for their complete lack of braincells/originality/the ability to function in normal society* [*delete as applicable] you will be prosecuted. And how are you going to read this if you are in jail? Also these fangirls have been specially trained for this fanfic and very few were actually harmed in the making of it. Honest. *evil laugh*)

So what with popping fangirls, and the odd one that was running about having gone up in flames (that glitter spray is highly flammable y'know) no one noticed the big evil creature that was approaching. Until it was nearly too late.

Luckily Gandalf did, and the girls found themselves running again.

"Ow! Stitch!" Gemma cried.

"Like, least of your problems right now!" Hannah called from the rear of the running masses.

Boromir was in the lead, with Pam right behind. Running through an archway he found himself staring at an abyss....

And of course Pam ran smack into him. (Too focused on his arse.)

The pair teetered on the edge...

"Shit! This is it! This is bloody it! I'm going to die! I'm too young to die!"

Pam had her arms wrapped around Boromir, who was convinced that if Pam wasn't there, he'd have a chance of surviving this.

"Drama queen" muttered Kelly.

"Always has to milk it," Hannah agreed.

"Can't do anything by halves, always has to be a disaster with Pam." Gemma chipped in.

"A little help, people!" Pam did sound a bit panicky.

"Ok.. we'll help her...this time." Kelly decided, the others nodded.

So with the help of Legolas and Aragorn (and Gimli... ooh had forgotten about him.) they pulled the pair back from the edge. Did they get any thanks? Of course not. They were being chased by a Balrog!

And of course things went from bad to worse. If you're being chased by a big evil creature that could benefit from a serious rehydration treatment, you'd want a path that doesn't fall to pieces when you walk on it... of course that didn't bloody happen. This is the FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING you know!

"Shut up! This isn't the bloody time or place!" Kelly yelled as loud dum dum de dum music started up. And then shut up again.

So trapped on various pieces of falling stairs the girls and guys panicked. Except for the Pretty Elf who showed off again, and Pam, whom to everyone's surprise did a series of rather neat jumps across until she got to a safe bit.

"Er... just when exactly did you learn to do that?" Gemma called from across the abyss. She wasn't happy as Legolas had left her behind.

Pam shrugged. "Long and high jump team at school."

"Bloody show off." Kelly muttered, and then tucking Merry under her arm did a running jump and made it. Rachel followed with Frodo, Hannah took Sam, Boromir, Pippin, leaving Aragorn and Gimli stuck.

"Nobody tosses a dwarf!" Gimli declared.

"Except maybe female dwarves" Hannah muttered.

Pam and Kelly sniggered.

Gimli blushed and then jumped, only to suffer the indignity of being pulled by an elf.

You know what happens next, so they all made it across the bridge, and Gandalf is left to face the Balrog.

Except they were interrupted by the Fangirls again. They were being chased by the Balrog, and suddenly found themselves with no where to run to. So the Fellowship were treated to the sight of thousands of fangirls jumping into the abyss like lemmings.

Legolas sighed in relief.

"They'll be back... there's too many of them!" Gimli laughed smugly.

Pretty Elf glared at him and tossed his hair again.

Gandalf walked determinedly to the centre of the bridge.

Boromir and Aragorn, still squabbling over who looked better with a sword, suddenly joined Gandalf in the centre of the bridge.

"I'll help you Gandalf... I am Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, I command all that live in these lands..."

"Go and play with Arwen, ranger boy! I'm going to help Gandalf. You get to do all the heroic stuff."

"You go and play with an orc!"

"You!"

"You!"

Gandalf sighed at the squabbling boys. 'JUST BUGGER OFF! Go on. Both of you!"

The two warriors scowled.

Pam and Hannah exchanged a glance, and then strode back onto the bridge.

"I think Gandalf can handle this, Aragorn." Hannah tugged at Aragorn's arm.

"Boromir... come back over here... where its safe."

The Balrog approached with a roar and a bellow of flame.

"Hey... my beard!" Gandalf muttered as the smell of burning hair filled the cavern.

"I am not afraid!" Aragorn declared. Boromir agreed. For once.

"Boromir... look at it. It big creature of flame and shadow, you tiny little mortal man of flesh and hair." She tugged at his tunic again trying to drag him back. He looked at the Balrog again and decided she might be making sense. So do Aragorn. They ran.

So Gandalf fought the Balrog while the horrified group watched.

The bridge collapsed.

("Bloody bridges... told you they weren't safe" Pam muttered.)

Gandalf was clinging to the edge by his fingertips, the Balrog's flaming whip thing wrapped round his hairy wizard ankles.

Rachel paused from where she was trying to stretch Frodo. "Right girlies, rescue party time."

Rachel led the girls to the edge of the bridge, where Gandalf was hanging looking more worried than ever. "Gemma grab my ankles. Pam, you hold Gemma, Hannah, hold Pam, Kelly, pull!"

Rachel dangled over the edge where she busily undid the whip. The girls tugged her back up, so she could grab onto Gandalf.

"Come on then Gandalf, grab onto me and we'll have you up in no time."

Rachel actually smiled at Gandalf.

Gandalf took one look at Rachel, and considered his situation. On one hand, salvation and continuing with the Fellowship, and the girls, or....

Falling to an unknown doom fighting the most evil foe possible. With little or no chance of survival. And pain.. don't forget pain.

Balrog or girls?

There was no choice. None at all. With a relieved little sigh Gandalf let go of the Bridge. And began to fall.

"Well that was bloody rude!" Gemma crossed her arms (after of course everyone was safe).

Rachel was looking very pleased with herself.

She had the whip!

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A/N: Aargh! Actually exceptionally long. Sorry this isn't as good as some earlier stuff.. in fact its pretty terrible, but if I stick it up, it means Kelly can get on with her chapter, and I can wait for my muse to return to me. Hopefully soon! Please.. if anyone has any suggestions or even just wants to make a cameo (I'm that stuck for ideas!) please stick it in a review or email me at alleymap@hotmail.com.

Sorry again.. must do better next time! I will, I promise! Oh and sorry for crossing the borders of existentialism slightly too much.

R&R

Pam.