... The girls followed one of the female elves along a moonlit colonade of extraordinary workmanship (workelfship?)to the most beautiful bedroom any of them had ever seen. In the case of Pam, Rachel, Hannah and Gemma, especially Gemma, it was also the cleanest room any of them had ever seen.

 The elf left the girls and they stared about for several shocked, appreciative moments before Gemma ran across the room and threw herself on to the furthest bed, "This is quality! Rach, open that bottle then"

 Within five minutes the girls were happily prostrate on the floor amidst cushions and quilts drinking blue stuff, plaiting each others hair and giggling in a suitably cheesy American movie slumber party style until Pam suddenly paused,

"Do you think it's a bit weird?"

Hannah looked at over at Pam, or where Pam should be but where there was currently only a Pam shaped blur, she shook her head slightly until Pam came back in to focus,

"What's weird?"

 "You know blue stuff, big hole, strange hairy men with swords..."

 " Wizards" chipped in Rach almost wistfully.

 " Slimy things with tentacles!" added Gemma who was beginning to get the hang of this.

 "Cave trolls, girl ones." muttered Kelly darkly, Pam looked at her quizzically. "No really, Gladys, what was that all about?"

 Pam looked round the room and gestured expansively with her hands, which was unfortunate as one of them was still holding a glass of blue stuff,

 "So does no-one else think that this is the teeniest bit odd?"

 " Last time we got drunk we stacked all the empty glasses in to a modern art sculpture and used Pam's camera to take pictures of our cleavages' while she was in the toilets," Kelly pointed out reasonably, "and that was in the pub!"

 Gemma looked up from examining the interesting blue stain that was developing on the white carpet by Pam''s right knee, "No way! I missed that."

Pam looked thoughtful, "Yeah I see your point. And any way I suppose this is better than getting up and going to a lecture on Aristotle's theory of tragedy at nine am."

 Kelly and Hannah nodded vigorously.

"And its definitely better than bloody 18th Century history and harvesting." said Rachel grimly.

 "And its better than sex education...." Gemma stopped when she realised the others were pissing themselves laughing. "What?"

 "God Gemma, there had better be some sex education or why have we bothered!" spluttered Kelly, liberally spraying the carpet with blue stuff.

"Where are the hairy sword people any way?" asked Pam, surveying the room as though she expected them to leap from behind a bed post at any moment.

"Oh they're sleeping outside," offered Hannah helpfully.

The girls turned to look at her.

Hannah smiled, "It's a hero thing apparently."

*

the next morning broke clear and sunny, with Dawn spreading her long, golden fingers over the beautiful elven landscape with slow, graceful deliberation. It was the sort of morning where the world seemed to sparkle with a vague promise that all would be well, a promise which shimmered like gossamer over the sleepers...

"Legolas. That had better be your long bow."

Aragorn's voice was steady, but edged with the sort of accent usually reserved for characters in Tarantino movies.

 The Elf shifted slightly on the ground behind him,

"Erm, sorry about that," Legolas at least had the grace to sound slightly sheepish. "Well lovely morning isn't it?"

The other males began to wake, amidst groans, snorts and other manly noises that never seem to find their way in to films...

Although, as Legolas spotted the girls in the distance, a certain amount of hair smoothing and surreptitious breath-checking did take place. Except for Gimli, who flipped his shiny, fragrant hair and splashed water over his smooth, exfoliated skin, not without an element of smugness.


"Morning!" bellowed Rachel, who seemed to combine an ear achingly loud voice with an annoying ability to never get a hangover.

The boys stared at the shiny, peach scented beings stood before them, until Aragorn reached over and quietly closed Merry and Frodo's gaping mouths.

Merry suddenly frowned and pointed at Kelly,

"What's that on your head?"

Kelly reached her right hand up to her hair and her face registered a shock of recognition as her fingers met with cold metal...

 She pulled the tiara off her head and held it between finger and thumb,

"Erm... when I have a drink.. or two...erm I become a princess."

Kelly blushed a deep red which Pam hoped would distract Boromir from the fact that she was pulling tinsel from her own hair.

Luckily for Kelly, and Pam, a tall and rather willowy female elf appraoched to lead them to Galadriel.

 They reached a clearing at the water's edge where the elven queen awaited them. Behind her there were boats laden with provisions, they were to begin the next part of the journey.

 But first...

"I have gifts to give you, that will help you on your journey."

 The Fellowship plus extras, lined up humbly in front of Galadriel and stood reverently awaiting her words, well except for Rachel who nudged Gimli in the ear and stage whispered, "Doesn't she remind you of Julie Christie?"

 Boromir glared down the line at them, then he reached over and removed an errant piece of silver tinsel from Pam's hair

Galadriel presented Merry and Pippen with small but beautifully formed daggers on elegant yet sturdy belts. They clasped them firmly to their chests in rapturous delight, Sam, it has to be said, was less than pleased then to receive a bit of rope.

He opened his mouth to speak but Galadriel cut him off,

"I know what I'm doing you know!"

Suitably chastised Sam stepped back but nontheless allowed himself at least one covetous glance at Pippen's dagger.

 To Legolas she presented a long bow crafted by the greatest elvish bow maker that ever lived, looking like a boy who had just received a BMX for christmas he tried to demonstrate the greatness of the bow to Gemma, who, all credit to her, certainly did a cracking impression of someone who cared.

To Frodo she presented a small vial of something that looked suspiciously like Absinthe, although reading Rachel's mind the elf turned and shook her head. Rachel shrugged, it was only a thought...

 As she stood in front of Aragorn, Galadriel launched in to a stream of Elvish in which Hannah was certain she picked up the word 'Arwen.' Pam and Kelly reached out restraining hands as Hannah took a step closer to her man.

Then Galadriel moved to Gimli. who was clutching his axe in a most disturbing manner and staring up at Galadriel like a lovesick school boy. After a short conversation the elf very slowly reached up and pulled three hairs from her head and gave them to the dwarf.

At least that's what he claimed afterwards, to be perfectly honest it looked to the others like she just scratching her head and it wasn't like Gimli could produce three hairs that the others could see and prove they were hers.

As the men stood examining their gifts Galadriel moved to the girls.

"You are an unexpected addition to this party which neither I nor Lord Elrond had forseen. However, I believe i have some gifts which may be of use to you if you wish to continue on this quest."

The girls, as one, smiled winningly at the elf. There is nothing a girl wont do for a present...

To Hannah she presented a small, yet incredibly ornate sword. Hannah immediately began making Jedi like sweeps through the air with the blade and Galadriel began to look ever so slightly worried.

To Rachel she...

"Look Rachel, no offence, but do you honestly think I'm going to give you a sword, or a sharp blade of any description?"

Rachel adopted a look of injured pride, reflected, and then smiled, "Fair enough. What do I get then?"

Galadriel handed her an L.A. Dodgers baseball bat,

"I figured this was much more your style. There's a matching cap."

Rachel pulled the cap on and swung the bat back with such force that Gemma had to dive out of the way before she lost a rib.

To Pam the elf presented a black ebony fountain pen. Pam couldn't hide her disappointment.

"Remember the saying Pam" Galadriel murmered as she moved away.

Pam pulled the lid off the pen to discover a small blade which turned in to a sort of small spear when she pressed the end of the pen.

"Oh my god! I guess the pen really is mightier than the oww!"

Pam hadn't been quick enought to dodge Rachel's home run and was ploughed in to the ground by Rachel who only had a vague knowledge of the rules of baseball.

Kelly stopped laughing to look the elven queen in the... well kind of the collarbone area really, if we're being honest.

"And Kelly, what gift should I give to you?"

Kelly looked around to make sure the others were to pre-occupied to overhear and then stood on tip-toe to whisper in Galadriel's ear.
The elf's eyes began to dance with laughter as she listened,

"Very well then child, you shall have your wish too in the fullness of time."

Then she turned to Gemma,

"And your heart's desire, the thing that shall help you most."

And she presented Gemma with......................................................
.....................................................................................................
a pair of ceramic hair straighteners.

As the other girls looked up in confusion, Gemma smiled.

"These are wicked! Oh my God, do you know how expensive these are! Ah nice one mate, cheers."

Galadriel laughed, and Legolas looked at Gemma with a mixture of horror at calling the queen of the elves 'mate', admiration at getting away with it and jealousy, because he really did want a pair of straighteners.
 

"It is time."

As Galadriel spoke the last of the provisions were loaded in to the boats and the new fellowship began to board.

This activity however took some time as the girls organised a seating plan which made everybody happy and ended with Hannah, Aragorn, Pam and Boromir in one boat, Legolas and Gemma, Frodo Rachel and Sam in another boat and Gimli Merry Kelly and Pippen in a third. With Kelly wedged firmly, and quite happily between Merry and Pippen the group set off.

As they pulled away from the shore and left behind them the safety and security of Lothlorien to face the unknown perils ahead the voice of Legolas could clearly be heard across the gently rippling water,

"Please swap with me Gemma."

"No."

"Can I borrow them then? I'll give them back.."

"No!"
...........................................