...
The girls followed one of the female elves along a moonlit colonade
of extraordinary workmanship (workelfship?)to the most beautiful bedroom any of them had ever seen. In
the case of Pam, Rachel, Hannah and Gemma, especially
Gemma, it was also the cleanest room any of them had
ever seen.
The elf left the girls and they stared about
for several shocked, appreciative moments before Gemma
ran across the room and threw herself on to the
furthest bed, "This is quality! Rach, open that
bottle then"
Within five minutes the girls were happily
prostrate on the floor amidst cushions and quilts drinking blue stuff, plaiting
each others hair and giggling in a suitably cheesy American movie slumber party
style until Pam suddenly paused,
"Do you think it's a bit weird?"
Hannah looked at over at Pam, or
where Pam should be but where there was currently only a Pam shaped blur, she
shook her head slightly until Pam came back in to focus,
"What's weird?"
"You
know blue stuff, big hole, strange hairy men with
swords..."
" Wizards" chipped in Rach
almost wistfully.
" Slimy things with tentacles!" added Gemma who was beginning to get the hang of this.
"Cave trolls, girl ones." muttered
Kelly darkly, Pam looked at her quizzically. "No really, Gladys, what was
that all about?"
Pam
looked round the room and gestured expansively with her hands, which was
unfortunate as one of them was still holding a glass of blue stuff,
"So
does no-one else think that this is the teeniest bit odd?"
" Last time we got drunk we stacked all the empty
glasses in to a modern art sculpture and used Pam's camera to take pictures of
our cleavages' while she was in the toilets," Kelly pointed out
reasonably, "and that was in the pub!"
Gemma looked up from examining the interesting blue stain
that was developing on the white carpet by Pam''s
right knee, "No way! I missed that."
Pam looked thoughtful, "Yeah I see your
point. And any way I suppose this is better than getting up and going to a lecture
on Aristotle's theory of tragedy at nine am."
Kelly and
Hannah nodded vigorously.
"And its
definitely better than bloody 18th Century history and harvesting." said
Rachel grimly.
"And
its better than sex education...." Gemma stopped when she realised the others were pissing themselves laughing. "What?"
"God
Gemma, there had better be some sex education or why
have we bothered!" spluttered Kelly, liberally spraying the carpet with
blue stuff.
"Where are the hairy sword people any
way?" asked Pam, surveying the room as though she expected them to leap
from behind a bed post at any moment.
"Oh they're sleeping outside," offered
Hannah helpfully.
The girls turned to look at her.
Hannah smiled, "It's a hero thing
apparently."
*
the next morning broke
clear and sunny, with Dawn spreading her long, golden fingers over the
beautiful elven landscape with slow, graceful
deliberation. It was the sort of morning where the world seemed to sparkle with
a vague promise that all would be well, a promise which shimmered like gossamer
over the sleepers...
"Legolas. That had better be your
long bow."
Aragorn's voice was steady, but edged with the
sort of accent usually reserved for characters in Tarantino movies.
The Elf
shifted slightly on the ground behind him,
"Erm, sorry about
that," Legolas at least had the grace to sound slightly sheepish.
"Well lovely morning isn't it?"
The other males began to wake, amidst groans,
snorts and other manly noises that never seem to find their way in to films...
Although, as Legolas spotted the girls in
the distance, a certain amount of hair smoothing and surreptitious
breath-checking did take place. Except for Gimli, who flipped his shiny,
fragrant hair and splashed water over his smooth, exfoliated skin, not without
an element of smugness.
"Morning!" bellowed Rachel, who seemed to combine an ear achingly
loud voice with an annoying ability to never get a hangover.
The boys stared at the shiny, peach scented
beings stood before them, until Aragorn reached over and quietly closed Merry
and Frodo's gaping mouths.
Merry suddenly frowned
and pointed at Kelly,
"What's that on your head?"
Kelly reached her right
hand up to her hair and her face registered a shock of recognition as her fingers
met with cold metal...
She pulled the tiara off her head and held it
between finger and thumb,
"Erm... when I have a drink.. or two...erm I become a
princess."
Kelly blushed
a deep red which Pam hoped would distract Boromir from the fact that she was
pulling tinsel from her own hair.
Luckily
for Kelly, and Pam, a tall and rather willowy female elf appraoched
to lead them to Galadriel.
They reached a clearing at the water's edge
where the elven queen awaited them. Behind her there
were boats laden with provisions, they were to begin the next part of the
journey.
But first...
"I have gifts to give you, that will help you on your
journey."
The Fellowship plus extras, lined up humbly in
front of Galadriel and stood reverently awaiting her words, well except for
Rachel who nudged Gimli in the ear and stage whispered, "Doesn't she
remind you of Julie Christie?"
Boromir glared down the line at them, then he reached over and removed an errant piece of silver
tinsel from Pam's hair
Galadriel
presented Merry and Pippen with small but beautifully
formed daggers on elegant yet sturdy belts. They clasped them firmly to their
chests in rapturous delight, Sam, it has to be said, was less than pleased then
to receive a bit of rope.
He opened his
mouth to speak but Galadriel cut him off,
"I know what I'm
doing you know!"
Suitably chastised Sam
stepped back but nontheless allowed himself at least
one covetous glance at Pippen's dagger.
To Legolas she presented a long bow crafted by
the greatest elvish bow maker that ever lived,
looking like a boy who had just received a BMX for christmas he tried to demonstrate the greatness of
the bow to Gemma, who, all credit to her, certainly
did a cracking impression of someone who cared.
To Frodo she presented a
small vial of something that looked suspiciously like Absinthe, although
reading Rachel's mind the elf turned and shook her head. Rachel shrugged, it was only a thought...
As she stood in front of Aragorn, Galadriel
launched in to a stream of Elvish in which Hannah was certain she picked up the
word 'Arwen.' Pam and Kelly reached out restraining hands as Hannah took a step
closer to her man.
Then Galadriel moved to
Gimli. who was clutching his axe in a most disturbing
manner and staring up at Galadriel like a lovesick school boy. After a short
conversation the elf very slowly reached up and pulled three hairs from her
head and gave them to the dwarf.
At least that's what he
claimed afterwards, to be perfectly honest it looked to the others like she
just scratching her head and it wasn't like Gimli could produce three hairs
that the others could see and prove they were hers.
As the men stood
examining their gifts Galadriel moved to the girls.
"You are an unexpected
addition to this party which neither I nor Lord Elrond had forseen.
However, I believe i have some gifts which may be of
use to you if you wish to continue on this quest."
The girls, as one,
smiled winningly at the elf. There is nothing a girl wont
do for a present...
To Hannah she presented
a small, yet incredibly ornate sword. Hannah immediately began making Jedi like
sweeps through the air with the blade and Galadriel began to look ever so
slightly worried.
To Rachel she...
"Look Rachel, no
offence, but do you honestly think I'm going to give you a sword, or a sharp
blade of any description?"
Rachel adopted a look of
injured pride, reflected, and then smiled, "Fair enough. What do I get
then?"
Galadriel handed her an
L.A. Dodgers baseball bat,
"I figured this was
much more your style. There's a matching cap."
Rachel pulled the cap on
and swung the bat back with such force that Gemma had
to dive out of the way before she lost a rib.
To Pam the elf presented
a black ebony fountain pen. Pam couldn't hide her disappointment.
"Remember the
saying Pam" Galadriel murmered as she moved
away.
Pam pulled the lid off
the pen to discover a small blade which turned in to a sort of small spear when
she pressed the end of the pen.
"Oh
my god! I guess the pen really is mightier than the oww!"
Pam hadn't been quick enought to dodge Rachel's home run and was ploughed in to
the ground by Rachel who only had a vague knowledge of the rules of baseball.
Kelly stopped laughing
to look the elven queen in the... well kind of the
collarbone area really, if we're being honest.
"And Kelly, what
gift should I give to you?"
Kelly looked around to
make sure the others were to pre-occupied to overhear
and then stood on tip-toe to whisper in Galadriel's ear.
The elf's eyes began to dance with laughter as she listened,
"Very well then
child, you shall have your wish too in the fullness of time."
Then she turned to Gemma,
"And your heart's
desire, the thing that shall help you most."
And she presented Gemma with......................................................
.....................................................................................................
a pair of ceramic hair straighteners.
As the other girls
looked up in confusion, Gemma smiled.
"These are wicked!
Oh my God, do you know how expensive these are! Ah nice one mate, cheers."
Galadriel laughed, and
Legolas looked at Gemma with a mixture of horror at
calling the queen of the elves 'mate', admiration at getting away with it and
jealousy, because he really did want a pair of straighteners.
"It is time."
As Galadriel spoke the
last of the provisions were loaded in to the boats and the new fellowship began
to board.
This activity however
took some time as the girls organised a seating plan which made everybody happy
and ended with Hannah, Aragorn, Pam and Boromir in one boat, Legolas and Gemma, Frodo Rachel and Sam in another boat and Gimli Merry
Kelly and Pippen in a third. With Kelly wedged firmly, and quite happily between Merry and Pippen the group set off.
As they pulled away from
the shore and left behind them the safety and security of Lothlorien
to face the unknown perils ahead the voice of Legolas could clearly be heard
across the gently rippling water,
"Please swap with
me Gemma."
"No."
"Can I borrow them
then? I'll give them back.."
"No!"
...........................................
