DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.

WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this.

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

Chapter 4

Late that evening, Ron and Hermione were to be found talking quietly in the Gryffindor common room. Harry had once again been summoned to Dumbledore's office so that he could see Sirius. They had been eager to see Sirius again, but had decided not to go with Harry as they thought the two needed some time alone. As they waited for Harry to return their conversation predictably turned to Lupin. They talked about their memories of him, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying.

They had been sitting in comfortable silence for a while, when Hermione suddenly sat up straight and said,

"Ron? What do you think Professor Snape was trying to tell Harry?"

"What?" asked Ron, momentarily confused.

"You know, Harry said that Snape mentioned other plans and a time for revenge, but that Dumbledore had told him to stop."

"I don't know." said Ron thoughtfully. "What could the plans of the Order have to do with Harry? I mean, they've kept us away from it all really, especially Harry. Probably trying to save us too much pain." said Ron. The irony of this wasn't lost on either of them.

"So why then, was Snape trying to tell Harry now? Could you think of a more inappropriate time to try and update him?"

"Maybe it's just Snape being Snape. He always was weird. Trying to put too much pressure on Harry. You know what he's like."

"Hmm, I suppose, but Harry's been under enough stress lately as it is." said Hermione, sounding very worried.

"Yeah, I've noticed. The past few weeks he's been quiet, moody, always drifting off into space. I wonder what's wrong."

"Ha! Sounds like he's in love!" Hermione chuckled, and then stopped abruptly. "You don't think…"

"Harry? In love? Dunno, I suppose it could be that."

"But who with?" asked Hermione thoughtfully.

"I have no idea, but what I really want to know is, if it's true, why hasn't he told us?

"Well that's obvious." said Hermione in her infuriating know-it-all voice.

"Is it?" asked Ron incredulously.

"Well yes. If he hasn't said anything, he's obviously embarrassed and probably hasn't come to terms with it himself."

"Why would he be embarrassed?"

"Now that, is an entirely different question. I've got absolutely no idea."

"Oh" said Ron. They lapsed back into silence again as they waited for their friend to return.

**********

"Sirius!" Harry cried as soon as he entered Dumbledore's office and saw his godfather sitting by the fireplace. Sirius jumped up and enveloped Harry in a huge hug. They stood there for a while and when they pulled apart, Harry got a good look at his godfather's face.

"You look exhausted. And thin, have you been eating?" Sirius smiled tiredly at him and told him to sit down. Dumbledore excused himself from the room and they both hardly noticed.

"I'm fine Harry. How are you?" Sirius asked seriously after Dumbledore had left.

"I don't really know. It barely seems real. How are you doing?" Sirius smiled again and then sighed as the smile faded from his face and the haggard look returned.

"I've been travelling all day. I wanted to be here, but it brings back so many memories. I'm just kind of numb really." He looked away suddenly, not wishing to shed tears in front of Harry.

"I know." said Harry quietly. "It hurts."

"Yes, it does. Did they tell you all that had happened?"

"Sort of. They wouldn't tell me who Lupin was supposed to be meeting. Do you know?" Harry didn't know why this was so important to him, maybe he just needed somewhere to aim all of his anger. Sirius looked uncomfortable.

"Yes, I know, but it's really not important. I can't tell you." Harry was becoming more and more frustrated with hearing that phrase.

"Look, just tell me! It's not as though there's anything I can do about it now! He's already dead for God's sake!" He immediately regretted saying that when he saw the expression on Sirius' face.

"I know that Harry." He said quietly.

"I'm sorry. It's not your fault." Harry's voice trailed off and they sat in silence. Tears began to fall from Harry's eyes again and he wiped them away angrily.

"I'm the only one left now you know, except for Peter. All my friends, they're all gone."

"I'm sorry Sirius." Harry was desperately trying to think of a way to change the subject; the pain was too raw for either of them to be talking about yet. "So, where have you been?"

"Just around. Gathering information. Trying to help. Nothing you'd be interested in."

"But I am interested!" Harry protested.

"Look Harry, I don't appreciate you trying to pump me for information right now."

"I'm not trying to do anything! I just, I feel so helpless."

"You are. We all are."

"Sirius, don't talk like that. We'll get through this somehow. You know we will." Sirius looked at Harry in wonder for a moment before saying,

"You're so young. So full of hope and expectations. So naïve." He said sadly.

"I'm not naïve and I'm not a child!"

"Harry-"

"No! You'll listen to me for a change! You think I don't understand what's at stake here? You think I don't know the consequences? I'm living proof of what happens when people fail! Look at what happened to me! I've got no family. I'm alone in the world." Harry was rambling now, letting off all of the pent up rage he had been feeling for years. "I never got to talk to my mother. I don't know how much I resemble my father because I never got to see him. I never knew them" he choked out.

"Harry."

"No. look I'm sorry. I know this isn't the time. I'll see you later OK? I've got to…I've just got to go." With that, Harry walked out of the room.

When Dumbledore re-entered his office, he found Sirius alone by the fire, holding head in his hands.

"Sirius?" Sirius looked up into the old man's face, and Dumbledore saw utter defeat in his eyes.

"Sirius, we will beat this."

"How can we when we don't know who to trust anymore? This will never end. It will go on and on until we are all dead."

**********

Snape stalked into Dumbledore's office moments after Sirius had left. He took his customary place at the window and stared out across the moonlit grounds, wishing he could rid himself of the memories of the meeting with Voldemort he had just attended.

Dumbledore knew not to interrupt the thoughts of his friend and colleague, and instead waited patiently for him to begin. After another few minutes he sighed and turned around to face the headmaster. The haunted look that never seemed to leave his face these days greatly saddened the old man. He sometimes wondered if any of this was worth it. So many lives had been destroyed and for no good reason that he could see, but there really was no other way.

Snape took a shaky breath before starting in an attempt to calm himself.

"They still do not trust me. I was summoned to what I believed to be a normal meeting of all the Death Eaters. However, when I arrived I was faced with only Voldemort and the members of his inner circle. I am still unaware of the majority of their identities. There were more…tests for me." He visibly grimaced and Dumbledore saw the self-disgust flicker momentarily over his face. "The tests were completed satisfactorily, and I was then sent away. Just like the other times. I fear that they will never trust me."

"Have patience, Severus. I know you will regain their trust eventually."

"But we're running out of time!" Snape snapped, his voice rising. "We know there's something coming; something big. Lupin knew it and that's why he contacted him." he spat the word, unable to mention the name of that vile creature.

"I understand your frustration Severus, but-"

"My frustration has nothing to do with it! You know as well as I do that they will never trust me again and any information they give me will probably be useless. We need someone else; another spy."

"We've talked about this before. I refuse to ask that of anyone, especially a student. I will not knowingly place anyone in that kind of danger, and besides, I am still not convinced of-"

"His loyalties are to himself! Self-preservation is most important to him. He's not stupid; he would see the sense of the plan."

"He's only a boy Severus."

"He's the same age as I was." said Snape quietly. He returned to the window, gazing unseeing at the outside world.

"I know." said Dumbledore "And that is just one more reason why we cannot ask this of him. We cannot condemn him to that kind of life."

"To my life." Snape said softly, before turning and leaving the office.

**********

Harry was angry. Angry because Sirius wouldn't tell him, angry with Voldemort, but most of all he was angry with himself. His whole life people had expected things of him; had expected him to succeed. His beginnings promised so much, but he'd failed. How could he ever be expected to defeat such evil? There was another death on his conscience because he was too weak. He should have been able to do something.

After storming out of Dumbledore's office, he really should have returned to Gryffindor Tower, he knew that Ron and Hermione would be waiting up for him, but he needed some air first. He crept outside to the spot on the near bank of the lake, where he'd gone the previous night after his dream.

He stood there for a long time, thinking about his parents, Cedric, and Lupin. 'All those lives. Gone.' After a while he heard footsteps behind him. He didn't turn around, just waited to hear the admonishing remarks from whichever teacher had found him. Instead, he was surprised to hear a quiet voice saying, "Potter." and he turned around to face the one person he had been avoiding thinking about.

"Hello Malfoy." said Harry, turning away again to look across the lake.

"I heard about Lupin." Malfoy said in the same quiet voice. Harry sighed and turned back to look at him, awaiting the inevitable sarcastic remark. He was fully aware of the opinions Malfoy had had of Lupin in their third year. Instead, Malfoy just stood there, fidgeting and looking extremely nervous.

"Urm, I was just wondering if you're OK." He finally managed.

"No" said Harry shortly. "I'm not." He couldn't cope with this right now. He'd accepted his feelings for Malfoy, but he didn't need this kind of emotional torture right now. He didn't need it rubbed into his face that there was no chance of his feelings ever being returned, even though there appeared to be some strange kind of truce between the two.

"Oh…well I…I'm sorry OK? I know you liked him and everything." With that said, Malfoy turned around and left, looking as though he'd gotten something vitally important off of his chest. Harry stared incredulously at his retreating back. Malfoy was being nice to him. Malfoy had been nervous. He had a sudden flashback to their conversation the day before, when Harry had been the fidgety and nervous one because of the way he was feeling. Maybe that meant…

"Malfoy! Wait!"

**********

Draco stopped and slowly turned back to face him.

"Why are you out here?" asked Potter, there was another question in his eyes which Draco was not prepared to answer yet. He remained silent as he tried to think of a plausible answer.

"I wanted to see if you were OK."

"Why?"

"What do you mean?" asked Draco, purposefully trying to be stupid. 'Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me.'

"Why," said Potter patiently, "do you want to know if I'm OK? Why should you of all people care?" There was no bitterness in Potter's voice, only an honesty which saddened Draco.

"I don't know." said Draco softly, suddenly acutely aware that he was no longer able to look Potter in the eye. He was quickly losing control of the situation. 'He can't know!'

"Draco." A whisper that had the effect of a gun-shot on him. His head snapped up, his shocked eyes locked with Potter's, and he was lost.

'How could I have let this happen? Why is this fair?' he thought desperately.

"I've seen you staring at me." He blurted out stupidly. Potter's face went blank, as though he suddenly closed off all of his emotions. He released Draco from his gaze as his eyes shifted away and he turned back to face the lake.

"Oh" he said quietly. "And?"

"What do you mean and?" said Draco in a sharper tone of voice than he had intended. He was regretting this more and more each second and he was getting angry. "Look, I just wanted to see if you were OK, and now I know, I'm leaving."

As he turned, Potter reached out and took hold of his arm. Draco turned back and was trapped once more.

"Draco." He whispered again, an unreadable look in his eyes.

"Leave it Harry" Draco said, shrugging off Potter's arm and, summoning his last scrap of self-restraint, tore his eyes away and walked back into the castle.

**********

The outline of the house wavers;

Shimmering through the heat.

Its dark windows reflecting the sunlight,

And the trees outside sway.

As I stare, the breeze picks up,

Until it howls in my ears;

Howls like my heart in pain.

I continue to watch,

Waiting for something to change,

For something new to appear.

Though I know nothing will.

Rain begins to fall, but still I stay,

Afraid to move, lest I miss something.

It hails, snows, thunders,

The world tries to make me move.

The voices begin to speak,

Their words carried on the wind.

Telling me I'm worthless, nothing,

That everything I'll ever need

Is locked in that house.

I can see it, but will never possess it,

For I fear to take a step,

The step that will take me closer

To the happiness I'll never have.

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, I really appreciate it. If you feel the urge to review, don't resist it. You know you want to!!