Author's Note: By request, I'm adding another chapter - from Jesse's POV
this time - but I still view Adam's chapter as being the end and being
complete unto itself. This is a different story (Jesse's story), only
focussing on the same event.
As always, feedback is wanted (even flames if you give a reason for them).
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Jesse's POV
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Pain.
Not just any pain, but an intense, deep down to my very core, throbbing behind the eyes with the force of a thousand migraines, splitting, blinding, absolute... agony.
But I can't wake up yet. Not yet...
Because I'm afraid. I'm scared that I slept too long, laid here unconscious beside him, for just a moment too long. I am petrified that my world has completely changed and will never be same after today. My life is going to be so different.
I can't wake up to this. I'm so afraid that I'll rise only to realize that he died while I was sleeping. And that thought is unbearable.
Yet I can't ignore this. Reality will still be so whether I'm conscious to experience it or not. And I...
I need to know.
"Adam..." I manage to choke out, stirring and forcing my eyes to open. The pain flares fresh and new, like a nail gun has just been fired into my skull. Oh god...
Fingers slide limply through my wet hair as I raise my head, and water drips into my eyes. Water also laps against my body, and I guess that means I didn't quite manage to get myself out of the river before I blacked out. I'm soaking wet, my shirt clingy from the water.
And the blood.
I suddenly want to throw up, and I take several deep, gasping breaths. My shirt is wet with red. It's not just the water. It's blood. His blood. I'm stained with Adam's blood...
I practically hyperventilate as I grab desperately at the hand which had been resting against me when I woke. "Adam!" My voice is stronger this time, but the pitch is slightly too high, still choked with fear.
He's not moving, and I'm stained with blood. Dear God, just please... Please no, please anything else... Just no...
Adam's blood is on me because of how I wrapped my arm around him and swam to the shore. Adam's blood is on me because I messed up and got him shot. I rub at the bloody material for a second, but all I manage to do is get the blood on my hands, diluted by the water but still terrifying. Adam's blood is on my hands. Ironically appropriate.
I shove myself up onto my hands and weakly drag myself forward, the move awkward. If I'd been standing, I'd have called it more of a stumbling than actual planned motion. But I lean over his body now, both of us finally out of the water.
You can't be dead, Adam. I need you.
I practically collapse across him, one arm draped over his body, and I rest my head on his chest. There's no heartbeat, no sign of breathing.
No...
NO!
My fault. It's all my fault. This is because of me.
I'm sorry. So, so sorry.
I broke the rules. I messed up. I fell in love with her and I knew she worked for the other side. But I didn't believe we were truly at war. I didn't know it was black and white, us and them, and that there was no middle ground to speak of. I didn't know this war was so real.
I didn't know there would be casualties. At least not any of us. Certainly not Adam.
I'm the shade of gray. I'm the only gray because I made it up. Really there isn't any gray.
I wish her dead. I want her to die instead. How could she betray me? She's a New Mutant as well. If it's only us and them, why wasn't she one of us?
Why did I ever allow myself to fall in love?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And I guess I still love her in some part, because I want her to pay for this. Hate is not the opposite of love. If I truly didn't care about her, I'd be indifferent, apathetic. But I want justice. I want revenge. I want vengeance.
I love her enough to want to kill her.
It hurts so much. The pain in my chest makes the remaining traces of the agony inflicted by the governor seem almost nonexistent. It hurts...
I should have passed out sooner. A moment earlier and the water which lapped at my legs would have drawn me back into it. I should have died instead of Adam. Or at least I should have died with him.
I want to cry, but I know I can't do that. If I cry, it means the bad things are real. And I won't let this be real.
I wish I'd drowned.
I begin to shake with silent sobbing. I can't help it, can't hold it back. I want to curl up, shivering although it's not cold, and just lie here until Eckhart's men reach me. It's what I deserve. I deserve to be the one to pay for my own mistakes.
Somebody lays a hand on my shoulder, but despite not having heard them approach, I don't startle. I don't move at all. I want to ask for just one more minute here with his body so that I can say goodbye, but I don't speak, and I wouldn't even if I could somehow form the words.
I'm ready now. I'm ready to pay the price. Just be merciful. Kill me here and do it quickly. Don't take me prisoner again. Don't hold me captive and don't pod me. Just put a bullet in me like was done to Adam. That bullet was meant for me anyway. It should have been mine.
But the hand is gentle, and I'm tenderly pulled up and wrapped in loving arms. Shalimar found me. I cling to her tightly. I want to be held.
After several seconds that stretch on forever, I'm carefully switched from Shalimar's embrace to Emma's. Subconsciously I know this is so Shal can have her own moment with Adam. I turn around to look at her, dropped to her knees by his body, her lips forming whispered words.
It's strange. I thought she would be crying out loudly. I thought she would be full of rage. But I see only sorrow.
Brennan stands slightly off in the distance, several paces back from the rest of us. He's just watching. And I see the realization, the brief flicker of concern before it's wiped away as he sets his jaw and squares his shoulders. It'll be the hardest for him. While we all weep, he isn't permitted. That's the realization that settles over him, washing away the emotion.
In that single instant, I know he's changed, and I mourn for him as well. He can't be the same person he was. His relationship to the rest of us can't be like it was any longer. He needs to step up to this. He's responsible now, whether he wants it or not, because he's just been placed in charge of Mutant X.
I'm sorry it had to happen so soon, my friend. I've placed the weight of the world on your shoulders for you to bear, Bren. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've taken away your opportunities to be cocky and carefree. I've ended your time to be young. It's my fault Adam is dead, and now you've been given his role. You have to lead us now, Brennan. You can no longer just be our friend.
I do cry, freely now, as he takes a deep breath to steady himself. "We need to leave now," he says, and his tone is already different, gentle yet firm. He's ordering us to go.
"We're taking Adam with us."
For a second it's weird that I don't recognize why the voice is Shal's and not mine. I would have said the same, if only I could remember how to talk. But my own mouth is cotton.
Brennan takes a step forward as if he wants to help her, or as if he wants to cradle her in his arms to ease the suffering. But instead he just blinks, closing his eyes for a long moment, and I think I saw the pain there in those eyes before he opens them again and it's gone. "No."
And then he does touch Shal, bending over to urge her up. He says something to her, but it's softly spoken and I don't hear it. Then they both straighten up so that they're standing, and Brennan guides her away from Adam's body.
I can't believe we're going to leave him. But logically I know we can't take his body with us. Carrying him would slow us down, and the GSA must be almost upon us already. But I have no place in me for logic. Not now.
"Emma, bring Jesse," Brennan calls to her, and I realize I'm not moving.
She slips her hand into mine, and I look at her tear-streaked face while she looks back at me. Something flickers in her eyes and I almost think she's going to apologize for something, and then she hits me with a psionic blast.
We need to go. We need to be strong. Adam wouldn't want me to stay and be captured. And I know it's true and not just because of Emma, but it's still hard.
Adam died because of me, but he also died *for* me. And I hope that he was proud of me, because that matters. I think of him like a father, even though I'm somebody else's son.
So I finally get my feet to work and I run. To the Helix, I suppose, but I don't ask. And I don't ask how the others found me. What's important is that they came, and now we're going home. I'd like to think that we'll be okay. That we can cope, can handle this.
Adam's dead. And I know everybody dies someday. I just didn't think someday would be today. Someday is something I never honestly expected to come. At least not yet. I still had plans. I was supposed to get married, and Adam was supposed to be there. He couldn't die before that. But he did.
He died for me.
And I just hope I do something with the rest of my life that's worth that.
As always, feedback is wanted (even flames if you give a reason for them).
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Jesse's POV
-----
Pain.
Not just any pain, but an intense, deep down to my very core, throbbing behind the eyes with the force of a thousand migraines, splitting, blinding, absolute... agony.
But I can't wake up yet. Not yet...
Because I'm afraid. I'm scared that I slept too long, laid here unconscious beside him, for just a moment too long. I am petrified that my world has completely changed and will never be same after today. My life is going to be so different.
I can't wake up to this. I'm so afraid that I'll rise only to realize that he died while I was sleeping. And that thought is unbearable.
Yet I can't ignore this. Reality will still be so whether I'm conscious to experience it or not. And I...
I need to know.
"Adam..." I manage to choke out, stirring and forcing my eyes to open. The pain flares fresh and new, like a nail gun has just been fired into my skull. Oh god...
Fingers slide limply through my wet hair as I raise my head, and water drips into my eyes. Water also laps against my body, and I guess that means I didn't quite manage to get myself out of the river before I blacked out. I'm soaking wet, my shirt clingy from the water.
And the blood.
I suddenly want to throw up, and I take several deep, gasping breaths. My shirt is wet with red. It's not just the water. It's blood. His blood. I'm stained with Adam's blood...
I practically hyperventilate as I grab desperately at the hand which had been resting against me when I woke. "Adam!" My voice is stronger this time, but the pitch is slightly too high, still choked with fear.
He's not moving, and I'm stained with blood. Dear God, just please... Please no, please anything else... Just no...
Adam's blood is on me because of how I wrapped my arm around him and swam to the shore. Adam's blood is on me because I messed up and got him shot. I rub at the bloody material for a second, but all I manage to do is get the blood on my hands, diluted by the water but still terrifying. Adam's blood is on my hands. Ironically appropriate.
I shove myself up onto my hands and weakly drag myself forward, the move awkward. If I'd been standing, I'd have called it more of a stumbling than actual planned motion. But I lean over his body now, both of us finally out of the water.
You can't be dead, Adam. I need you.
I practically collapse across him, one arm draped over his body, and I rest my head on his chest. There's no heartbeat, no sign of breathing.
No...
NO!
My fault. It's all my fault. This is because of me.
I'm sorry. So, so sorry.
I broke the rules. I messed up. I fell in love with her and I knew she worked for the other side. But I didn't believe we were truly at war. I didn't know it was black and white, us and them, and that there was no middle ground to speak of. I didn't know this war was so real.
I didn't know there would be casualties. At least not any of us. Certainly not Adam.
I'm the shade of gray. I'm the only gray because I made it up. Really there isn't any gray.
I wish her dead. I want her to die instead. How could she betray me? She's a New Mutant as well. If it's only us and them, why wasn't she one of us?
Why did I ever allow myself to fall in love?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And I guess I still love her in some part, because I want her to pay for this. Hate is not the opposite of love. If I truly didn't care about her, I'd be indifferent, apathetic. But I want justice. I want revenge. I want vengeance.
I love her enough to want to kill her.
It hurts so much. The pain in my chest makes the remaining traces of the agony inflicted by the governor seem almost nonexistent. It hurts...
I should have passed out sooner. A moment earlier and the water which lapped at my legs would have drawn me back into it. I should have died instead of Adam. Or at least I should have died with him.
I want to cry, but I know I can't do that. If I cry, it means the bad things are real. And I won't let this be real.
I wish I'd drowned.
I begin to shake with silent sobbing. I can't help it, can't hold it back. I want to curl up, shivering although it's not cold, and just lie here until Eckhart's men reach me. It's what I deserve. I deserve to be the one to pay for my own mistakes.
Somebody lays a hand on my shoulder, but despite not having heard them approach, I don't startle. I don't move at all. I want to ask for just one more minute here with his body so that I can say goodbye, but I don't speak, and I wouldn't even if I could somehow form the words.
I'm ready now. I'm ready to pay the price. Just be merciful. Kill me here and do it quickly. Don't take me prisoner again. Don't hold me captive and don't pod me. Just put a bullet in me like was done to Adam. That bullet was meant for me anyway. It should have been mine.
But the hand is gentle, and I'm tenderly pulled up and wrapped in loving arms. Shalimar found me. I cling to her tightly. I want to be held.
After several seconds that stretch on forever, I'm carefully switched from Shalimar's embrace to Emma's. Subconsciously I know this is so Shal can have her own moment with Adam. I turn around to look at her, dropped to her knees by his body, her lips forming whispered words.
It's strange. I thought she would be crying out loudly. I thought she would be full of rage. But I see only sorrow.
Brennan stands slightly off in the distance, several paces back from the rest of us. He's just watching. And I see the realization, the brief flicker of concern before it's wiped away as he sets his jaw and squares his shoulders. It'll be the hardest for him. While we all weep, he isn't permitted. That's the realization that settles over him, washing away the emotion.
In that single instant, I know he's changed, and I mourn for him as well. He can't be the same person he was. His relationship to the rest of us can't be like it was any longer. He needs to step up to this. He's responsible now, whether he wants it or not, because he's just been placed in charge of Mutant X.
I'm sorry it had to happen so soon, my friend. I've placed the weight of the world on your shoulders for you to bear, Bren. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've taken away your opportunities to be cocky and carefree. I've ended your time to be young. It's my fault Adam is dead, and now you've been given his role. You have to lead us now, Brennan. You can no longer just be our friend.
I do cry, freely now, as he takes a deep breath to steady himself. "We need to leave now," he says, and his tone is already different, gentle yet firm. He's ordering us to go.
"We're taking Adam with us."
For a second it's weird that I don't recognize why the voice is Shal's and not mine. I would have said the same, if only I could remember how to talk. But my own mouth is cotton.
Brennan takes a step forward as if he wants to help her, or as if he wants to cradle her in his arms to ease the suffering. But instead he just blinks, closing his eyes for a long moment, and I think I saw the pain there in those eyes before he opens them again and it's gone. "No."
And then he does touch Shal, bending over to urge her up. He says something to her, but it's softly spoken and I don't hear it. Then they both straighten up so that they're standing, and Brennan guides her away from Adam's body.
I can't believe we're going to leave him. But logically I know we can't take his body with us. Carrying him would slow us down, and the GSA must be almost upon us already. But I have no place in me for logic. Not now.
"Emma, bring Jesse," Brennan calls to her, and I realize I'm not moving.
She slips her hand into mine, and I look at her tear-streaked face while she looks back at me. Something flickers in her eyes and I almost think she's going to apologize for something, and then she hits me with a psionic blast.
We need to go. We need to be strong. Adam wouldn't want me to stay and be captured. And I know it's true and not just because of Emma, but it's still hard.
Adam died because of me, but he also died *for* me. And I hope that he was proud of me, because that matters. I think of him like a father, even though I'm somebody else's son.
So I finally get my feet to work and I run. To the Helix, I suppose, but I don't ask. And I don't ask how the others found me. What's important is that they came, and now we're going home. I'd like to think that we'll be okay. That we can cope, can handle this.
Adam's dead. And I know everybody dies someday. I just didn't think someday would be today. Someday is something I never honestly expected to come. At least not yet. I still had plans. I was supposed to get married, and Adam was supposed to be there. He couldn't die before that. But he did.
He died for me.
And I just hope I do something with the rest of my life that's worth that.
