DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.
WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this.
Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)
Chapter 8
Harry woke with a start, breathing heavily and shivering uncontrollably. He couldn't remember what his nightmare had been about. He recalled pain, frantic movements, flashes of red and streaks of searing light, but that was all. His breathing slowed and he began to relax into the warmth of his bed. Recently, his frequent nightmares had been replaced by dreams of Draco. They were full of erotic images with disturbing undertones; he would see half of Draco's face, soft and smiling, but would then see that the other half was a blood-stained skull which opened its mouth and screamed at him. Blood; why were his dreams always about blood?
His mind drifted back to his latest nightmare and he wondered what had prompted it. 'Probably just nervous about the match.' he tried to tell himself. He was extremely anxious about it, more so than usual, because the Quidditch match later that day was against Slytherin. That meant facing Draco.
He'd spent the previous evening with Ron and Hermione, who had backed him into a corner and demanded to know what was wrong. It was a highly co-ordinated, full-frontal attack which they had planned meticulously. He wasn't surprised by it really; he'd missed lessons, skipped meals, avoided all contact with his friends and spent his evenings moping around the castle. It was no wonder they were worried.
He'd looked into their open, imploring eyes, and had completely failed to tell them what was wrong. He was being torn apart by his feelings for Draco. It had been so much easier when he was convinced that his love wasn't reciprocated. He could wallow in self-pity, admire from afar, look but not touch. Now it was so different; so much more difficult. Every part of him longed to touch Draco again. He'd long ago given up trying to deny his feelings; it was Draco he wanted and no-one else would suffice. However, he also knew he still had no choice, because Draco was too afraid to try and overcome the obstacles between them. Harry refused to be apathetic anymore; he was, at least, willing to try. He was now torn between wanting to kiss Draco, and wanting to punch him for being so weak.
Ron and Hermione would never be able to understand this; he knew that that was the stark and honest truth. He would never be able to tell them.
*FLASHBACK*
"Harry" Hermione sighed, speaking quietly so those around wouldn't overhear. Seamus and Dean were playing a boisterous game of Exploding Snap close by. "Please just tell us what's wrong. You don't work, you don't eat, and you barely sleep. It's been like this for nearly a week. What's wrong?" Harry shifted guiltily in his chair. He hadn't known his behaviour had been worrying them this much.
"It's nothing. Really."
"But you look so tired" she persisted, running a hand through her hair. "Is it…is it about Lupin?" She was trying to be delicate, and Harry knew he should feel grateful.
"Lupin? No, it's not about him."
"Then what is it?" she cried, exasperated, before remembering to keep her voice quiet. Harry didn't want to lie, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything so he just sighed and looked away. Hermione turned to Ron, begging with her eyes for support. Ron had been strangely silent so far, letting Hermione do the talking. He seemed to be preoccupied with something. Finally, he seemed to come to a decision, took a deep breath, and looked Harry straight in the eye.
"Who is it?" he asked softly. Harry stared at him, shocked. How could Ron possible know? Was he that obvious? He looked back at Hermione who looked momentarily perplexed, and the realisation dawned.
"Oh…" she murmured and looked sympathetically at him.
"W-what?" asked Harry.
"Who've you fallen for Harry? Who's hurting you so much?" Harry was frantically trying to think of some way of avoiding Ron's awkward questions.
"It's just…I…he…" he stammered, then gave up. "I don't want to talk about it." he mumbled, and promptly stood up and made a very swift exit through the portrait hole.
There was a momentary silence between Ron and Hermione, until Hermione, in a dazed voice, said,
"Did Harry just say 'he'?"
*END FLASHBACK*
Harry got out of bed and quietly went to sit at the window which looked out on the grounds of Hogwarts; resigned to the fact that he would get no more sleep that night. The soft noises made by his sleeping roommates seemed to comfort him. The sky was gradually becoming lighter at the horizon. Dawn was coming, gently spreading its warmth and light over the slumbering ground.
Harry had been very surprised by how accurate Ron's questions had been. He had a sneaking suspicion that Hermione may have somehow planted the initial idea in his head. Ron wasn't exactly known for his powers of deduction and Hermione had a very irritating habit of being hyper-aware of everything going on around her. Ron must have just put two and two together, incidentally landing bang on four, slightly quicker than her. Not something that happened very often. He allowed a smile to ghost over his face as he imagined his friends trying to work out his unfathomable love-life, when they couldn't see what was going on between each other.
Harry sighed as his thoughts predictably led back to Draco. Draco Malfoy; the boy holding his precious heart in his hands. He didn't know what to do about the situation he found himself in. It seemed that there was no way out for him because he was already in so deep. There was only one person who had the answers for him, and he needed to talk to him.
Harry waited until the sun was completely up before heading to the bathroom; trying to focus on the match ahead and not the smoothness of Draco Malfoy's skin.
**********
Harry ambushed Draco as he was slowly making his way back to the school after the match. The sun had set and the match had ended long ago. Silvery moonlight was shimmering in the air so that the wind tasted sinister. Everyone had gone back to have dinner, but Draco had preferred to stay back and wallow in his self-pity. He'd sat in the messy Slytherin changing rooms, looking at the puddles of water, dirty clothes and abandoned broomsticks, which were the only reminders that the room had once been full of energy and vibrant excitement. The silence there now somehow seemed wrong; out of place. There should be noise and laughter, joyful singing on another Slytherin success. The oppressive silence weighed on Draco's mind; he thought it echoed his current state of mind. He'd discovered what would truly make him happy, he should be rejoicing and revelling in the wonderment of utter fulfilment. Instead he was alone; his mind empty of all thought and only a vague feeling of disappointment to comfort him.
He hadn't expected to win the match; he'd known as soon as it kicked off that he wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off Harry. He was so undeniably drawn to him that when he was anywhere in the vicinity, there was nowhere else he could look. How was he supposed to find the snitch when he was so distracted? The bitter rivalry with Harry on the Quidditch pitch which had spurred him on so many times before, failed to appear. His desire to win was over-ruled and trampled by his desire to make Harry happy. He hadn't been surprised when, 25 minutes into the match, Harry had pulled off a spectacular 30 foot dive and caught the damned flying ball. Draco had revelled in the excitement that had glittered on Harry's face; it had made suffering the jibes and bitter looks from his team-mates much easier. There had been a new determination in Harry that day, one which thrilled Draco to his core. He'd seemed so dedicated; completely single-minded in his quest for the elusive ball. Draco marvelled at Harry's self-control when he knew he must be feeling the same ache inside him that he was.
Harry dragged him into the empty Gryffindor changing rooms and stood looking at him with his hands on his hips.
"What is it Potter? Want to gloat? Because I don't really care." Draco tried to inject his usual drawl with the special form of sarcasm he reserved for confrontations with Harry, but it was obvious that his heart wasn't in it. Harry just carried on staring at him for a while, as though trying to figure him out.
"I don't want to gloat. I don't care about the match either."
"Easy for you to say when you won." He feathers ruffled even now.
"Yes I suppose it is."
A moment of silence; stillness where they could both see the dust floating between them. Harry took a deep breath and broke everything,
"Why did you kiss me last week?" Draco had no ready answer to this question; he was completely unprepared, so he told the truth. Plain and simple as it was.
"Because I wanted to; I needed to. Just so I would know what it was like." he said quietly.
"Why did you stop?" Harry's voice sounded so faint and rejected that Draco's heart would have broken right then, if it hadn't already been in pieces.
"Because I liked it too much." A moment of truth.
"That's not a good enough reason!" Harry's eyes were full of pain and Draco looked away because he couldn't stand it.
"Well you'll have to make do with it because it's the only one you're getting. Have you finished? Because losing to you at Quidditch is very tiring." He failed completely to put any strength behind his words. He was worn out and he had nothing left to give.
"I don't understand you. I know-"
"You don't know anything! You assume things about me! You think I'm evil, manipulative, untrustworthy. You don't understand me because you never tried." A moment of acute frustration with the world. Draco was getting angry.
"That's unfair! You never gave me the chance." 'God look at him, he's shaking…' Harry was trembling from barely controlled emotion. Draco was transfixed, but the fury was building in him. He didn't want to be angry with Harry; it wasn't his fault. He needed to get away.
"Look, let's just not do this. I shouldn't have kissed you. It was a mistake and I'm sorry."
"Don't say that. Don't ever say that to me. I know you're not sorry and neither am I." Draco had meant to turn away and leave but Harry's words stopped him. As though moving on auto-pilot, they both quickly closed the gap between each other. Their lips came together in a crushing kiss that spoke of truth and obsession and painful, enduring love. A moment of passion, forever frozen in time. Draco remembered every inch of Harry's mouth and the heat began to rise in him. He knew they fitted so perfectly together, opposites that when brought together intertwined, melded, melted and formed something new. His hand drifted to the back of Harry's neck, whilst his others sought Harry's hand which he held onto tightly. Harry let out a soft moan and that simple noise jerked Draco back to reality with brutal force. He was wrenched back into a world of obligations and fear and suffering. He pulled away from Harry's delicious lips.
"How did this get so powerful and difficult to ignore so quickly?" He extracted himself from Harry's embrace and tried to ignore the hurt look in his eyes.
"It wasn't so quick" Harry whispered, his cheeks flushed. "It just took us a long time to see it." He began to lean in again to Draco, and he was so tempted. He could feel Harry's hot, moist breath on his lips, begging for permission that he wished he had the right to give. Draco turned his head away.
"Don't."
Harry took a step back, his face flushed with something other than the strength of Draco's kiss. His temper, so easily provoked, was quickly coming to the surface.
"What's the matter with you? Can't you see what this is doing to me?" he shouted, his voice breaking.
"Of course I can!" Draco shouted back. "You think I don't notice you? You think it isn't exactly the same for me?"
"No, I don't! If this was the same for you, you wouldn't be so afraid of trying! You would see it was worth it." Harry's words stung Draco.
"Look I-"
"You're just weak! A scared little boy too afraid to trust anyone." This was going too far for Draco not to respond. His barely repressed anger and frustration flared once more and this time he didn't try to restrain himself from aiming it all at Harry.
"What makes you think I've ever been given a reason to trust anyone?" He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I was raised to be suspicious and overly careful. In my world, if you're not careful, you die! My father-"
"Don't bring that bastard into it! What does he have to do with this?" Draco bristled.
"Everything! And if you can't see that you're more stupid than you look." Draco had pushed Harry too far and he knew it. They were standing nose to nose, Harry was breathing fast and Draco's eyes were flashing. Predictably, it was Harry who threw the first punch. It connected with Draco's jaw and he staggered back, tasting blood. He regained his balance to find Harry bearing down on him. He was thrown into a locker, but was prepared to counter this time. As Harry neared him Draco lunged and they both crashed to the floor. Draco landed on top and he pushed himself up, leaning on his palms looking down at Harry. He tried to control his breathing and regain his composure whilst holding down a struggling Harry.
"Can't you see this isn't right?" he said softly, boring his empty gaze into Harry's fierce eyes. "We walk different paths in life. They're not meant to meet." Tears began to spill from Harry's eyes and Draco melted, letting go of his hold on him.
"No!" Harry sobbed. "I won't let you do this!" He violently pushed Draco's shoulders back, catching him off guard. Draco fell backwards and Harry leapt on top of him, pinning his wrists to the floor and straddling his hips. Draco gasped at the feeling of Harry's body above his and then turned his head away sharply.
"Just because your father sees it as your right and privilege to become a Death Eater, doesn't mean you have to. What do you want Draco?"
"You." Draco whispered. A moment of frank honesty.
"You already have me." Harry said as he leant down and captured Draco's lips again. Draco breathed in the familiar scent of Harry, and gave in. Harry began to gently rock his hips and Draco gasped again, his eyes flew open and his head fell back. This was agony for him. Delicious agony.
"Don't fight me Draco. You can't beat your own heart."
Harry continued his movements as he recaptured Draco's lips, pressing down harder and harder onto Draco. There was no answer Draco could give; he was lost in the simple pleasures of Harry's body on his. He felt his growing excitement and craved more.
Then he remembered. He remembered what he had to do over the upcoming holiday; he remembered who he was.
"Get off me." Draco managed in a much stronger voice than before.
"What?" asked Harry, confused.
"I said get off me!" he shouted, struggling against Harry's hold on him. Harry released him, stood up and moved away, turning his back to Draco. Draco didn't think he'd ever felt so cold.
"It's not that simple. This isn't just about us. We can't frolic around, kissing and fucking in corners. We couldn't hide this. We both have responsibilities to bear. We were forced into this world but we simply have no choice but to carry on." Draco felt the pain that Harry clearly felt. A moment of pure agony.
"The only responsibilities you have are to that evil bastard who killed my parents!" There was the resentment and mistrust Draco knew was hiding just underneath the surface. 'If he thinks I'm capable of that, how will he ever believe that I'm able to love him?'
"No, I have other burdens to bear. I'm alone and it was my decision to be this way. I have no choices left to make anymore. This is out of my hands. 'We' cannot happen. Too much has happened in the past and too much will happen in the future. There would always be a gulf between us and you would never trust me. Can't you see it would destroy us? We're too different, we've said too much, made different choices."
"This is already destroying me."
Draco's heart broke all over again.
A moment of painful realisation. A moment of true love.
**********
This was my fate. Can't you see?
**********
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I'll wait for you
Slight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait, without you
With or without you
With or without you.
With or Without you – U2
A/N: Oh the trauma! I feel I'm being mean to poor little Harry and Draco. Oh well, they're there for me to torture. Well at least I'm not keeping you hanging as I'm such a good updater!! That's three chapters in four days I think!
Reviews, Reviews, Reviews…too single minded? All comments are appreciated.
