DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.
WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this.
Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)
Chapter 9
Harry walked numbly back to Gryffindor Tower an hour later. He was unable to process all that Draco had said to him. He hadn't wanted to listen so he'd tried to silence him in the only way he knew how; with insults and kisses. He'd admitted everything to Draco, laid his soul bare, but Draco remained unmoved. His obsession was burning him up from inside.
As he reached the portrait of the Fat Lady he hesitated and almost turned around to leave again. It was a Gryffindor tradition to celebrate all Quidditch wins, and he knew he couldn't face it. He sighed as he muttered the password, 'frogs legs', and steeled himself to face his friends as the portrait swung open.
The loud, raucous cheer he'd expected didn't appear, so he entered the common room slowly, feeling very confused. Instead of the huge group of happy, laughing people he'd expected, there were only a few people dotted around the room, looking bored. Some of them looked up to see who had come in, but they turned away again just as quickly. Harry stood and stared for a while, feeling slightly put out at this blatant lack of acknowledgement. He made his way to his room, intending to go to bed and wallow in self-pity. He opened the door to his room, head bowed and shoulders slumped, only to be suddenly gripped by the arm and forcefully dragged into the room.
"Harry! Where have you been?! We've been waiting for you for ages!" Seamus stood, beaming at Harry. Shocked, Harry stared around the room to find that it was rather more full than usual. His roommates were there, accompanied with Hermione, Ginny, Colin Creevey, Lavender and Parvati.
"Congratulations on the win!" Seamus continued, oblivious to Harry's previously miserable countenance upon entering the room.
"Urm…thanks." said Harry hesitantly, overwhelmed by Seamus' boisterous personality.
"Now, we've all noticed you've been a bit down lately, don't worry we won't ask." Seamus gave Ron a conspiratorial wink; he'd obviously been warned off questioning. Harry gave Ron a grateful smile. "We were going to do the whole Gryffindor piss-up celebration like normal, but we decided to go for something slightly, only slightly mind, less adventurous this time. We've got food, booze, good company and…" with a graceful wave of his wand "…music!" Music began blaring, seemingly coming from nowhere. "New spell I learnt." he said proudly.
Harry sat down weakly on his bed. "Thanks a lot guys, but I really just wanted to go to bed." 'And cry.' He had to raise his voice slightly so he could be heard over the music. At this point, Ginny moved from her seat next to her boyfriend Colin Creevey, to sit with Harry on his bed. She took his hand and looked him straight in the eye.
"Harry, we don't pretend to know what's wrong or why you're feeling this way, but we just wanted to show you that we care. We're all here for you, and look upon this as our concerted effort to take your mind off it." Harry was suddenly filled with a warmth he hadn't felt…'since Draco kissed me'…in a while. A genuine smile found his lips for the first time in weeks as he stared around at his friends.
"Wahey!" shouted Seamus. "Now let's dance and get pissed!" With that he grabbed Hermione and started dancing in a strange, jerky manner.
"Thanks Ginny." Harry murmured. "Has he been like that all evening?" he asked, gesturing at Seamus, who had now started downing bottles of butterbeer.
"God it's been awful! He's been over-excited all night! I think someone let him have sugar again. We thought you'd never get here!" Harry laughed and leant back against his head-board to survey his smiling dancing friends.
**********
Draco returned to the cold, dark Slytherin dungeons. He received cold stares from the other Slytherins in the common room and there was no-one in his room to comfort him. Slytherins didn't hold with having close friendships; they all learnt early on that being alone was better. If you want friends, you talk to the Gryffindors. Slytherins are solitary creatures, functioning much better when they had only themselves to think about. Draco didn't have any close friends to recognise that he was becoming depressed. He had never allowed anyone to get close enough to him, so nobody saw the warning signs. Being alone with his thoughts was all he'd ever known. He'd found it easier to work things through on his own, but he was now beginning to regret some of his choices. Sometimes, loneliness can be the worst thing in the world.
He sighed and fell onto his bed, covering his eyes with his arm. His mind drifted again to Harry, and he let out a strangled moan. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to deny himself the happiness he knew he deserved. He'd never felt anything like what Harry did to him. When Harry smiled at him he was floating, and when he'd seen the tears in Harry's eyes that night, and known that he was responsible for them, he felt crushed. His most vivid memory of that evening, was Harry's tears. Draco hadn't allowed himself to cry over his dilemma with Harry. He'd never seen the point in crying; what use did tears have? It never solved anything, and only made your face unsightly and puffy. Now, though, he simply couldn't hold it back. He desperately wanted to get angry; to shout and scream, but he simply couldn't. He felt a prickly sensation behind his eyes and knew he couldn't hold it back any longer.
Draco cried for himself and he cried for Harry. He cried out of frustration and resignation of his fate. He cried for his lost childhood and for the nameless girl he hadn't been able to help. He cried for loss of innocence and joy, and for a twisted world that prevented him from being with the one he loved. His thin body was wracked with heartfelt sobs that seemed to be breaking him apart. He unravelled his suppressed pain and revelled in it. He let every self-deprecating thought he had ever had, surface and taunt him. He thought of every hurtful thing he'd ever said to Harry and his friends; every barb that lengthened the void between them, and cried even more.
Now he'd started crying, he didn't think he'd ever be able to stop.
**********
Harry tipsily stumbled into bed several hours later, feeling much happier. He'd been genuinely touched by his friends' efforts in cheering him up, and even Seamus hadn't irritated him as much as usual by bouncing around drunkenly. He'd laughed and joked with everyone and for once, hadn't felt like he'd been pretending. It was only now that he appreciated the true value of friendship.
Then he began to think about Draco, alone in the cold dungeons with no real friends to help him, and tried to feel angry. After their confrontation, he'd been filled with bitterness towards Draco. He'd broken his heart. In that final moment, he'd realised that they would never be together, because Draco simply wouldn't allow it. He would deny his feelings and Harry's simply through strength of thought. 'Well he may be able to ignore this, but I can't. I won't.'
Harry tried to feel angry and bitter and hurt, but he couldn't. He loved Draco too much to hate him for what he'd done. Harry found himself feeling intensely sorry for the boy. His mind had been so twisted by his father and Voldemort, that he couldn't accept love. He thought he was helping Harry by keeping them apart and couldn't see that he was hurting himself even more. A tear ran down his cheek and he cried for Draco's loss and his own.
"Harry?" It was Ron, the only one still awake in the room. His head poked round the curtains of Harry's bed. "Harry, what's the matter? Why won't you tell me?"
"Ron?" said Harry faintly, before dissolving into more painful sobs. Ron sat down on Harry's bed and pulled the curtains closed. He pulled Harry towards him and held him.
"It hurts so much." Harry whispered, almost incoherent now. "I want to hate him, but I can't. I just, I want…" his voice trailed off when he realised what he'd said. Ron looked down at him kindly and said,
"It's OK Harry. Really, it's OK." With his eyes and words, Ron gave him his full acceptance. "Will you tell me who he is?"
"I can't. I'm sorry but it's just, complicated." Ron nodded.
"Does he love you?"
"Yes. I know he does, but he says there's too much between us. He thinks it would never work and we'd hurt each other. But Ron, it hurts me even more like this! I can't make him see. He's so caught up in the past and politics. He focuses on everything that's been said, when he should see that it's what will be said and what happens now that's important. This is so fucked up! Why can't I make him see?" Harry buried his face in his hands.
"Harry, if he loves you enough, he'll see."
They sat in silence after that as Harry mourned his losses. Ron stayed with him and shared in his friend's pain, until he heard Harry's shaking sobs recede slowly into steady breathing, then he left his friend and went to find Hermione.
**********
Ron had woken Hermione and they were sitting in the deserted common room. He'd lit a fire and they sat comfortably in its warmth.
"What did you want to talk about at this hour Ron? Are you drunk or something?" asked Hermione, slightly perturbed at being pulled out of bed at this hour.
"No, I'm not drunk, but I need to talk to you about something important." His serious tone silenced Hermione, and she wondered what was wrong.
"I was talking to Harry just now. We were right you know; there is someone, some boy, and he's really gotten to him."
"Oh dear. Poor Harry."
"The thing is," Ron carried on slowly, picking his words carefully. He was aware this was one of the most important conversations he would ever have and he didn't want to mess it up. "He said some things that really got to me. This boy is denying his feelings because he's scared, but he's hurting Harry. It made me realise, that I was doing exactly the same thing." Now he looked Hermione straight in the eye. She held his gaze, and smiled.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore Hermione. You shouldn't hurt the ones you love." Hermione's heart leapt at his words and she smiled even more.
"I don't want to hurt you either Ron. People shouldn't avoid love just because it's scary. They should embrace it."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
**********
Loneliness can be many things. It is every fibre of your body wanting to be with that one person who really means something. It is feeling so alone that you feel as though you can't take it anymore. Every song you hear has a meaning that reminds you of everything that you want to forget. Loneliness is sadness, in its ultimate form. It is seeking for meaning in places where there is none. It is crying in your room when you should be out having fun. But most of all, loneliness is life.
Loneliness is terror, bearing down on my soul. It is sorrow, for all those things you regret. Loneliness is aching to tell, with nobody to care. With defences crumbling, confusion raining down. Until all I have left, is loneliness.
Light and dark separate. My vision of an impassable void haunts me. I'd build a bridge across it to get to you, but I have nothing to hold the bricks together with. We'd meet in the middle and the bridge would collapse around us. I want you so much, but it's too hard to go back. Could we really erase everything? I'm not so naïve as to believe this.
The darkness is pulling me in Harry, and I don't want to take you with me. I'll be a Death Eater soon and there's nothing you can do. I really have made my choice. The sad thing is, I know that it will kill me. I'm not the person they want me to be, but I have to pretend. But there was no other way, can't you see? I had no way out. I curse the world that forced me to do this.
However, I'm a Malfoy and we don't give up. The irony is, I have to give up on you. This will hurt me more than you'll ever know my love. You will be able to move on and love again. You offered me the world, and I gave it right back to you. I'm hurting myself to help you. I love you more and more every day, but I'll deny with a strength I never knew I had just to save you. My strength is you; looking at you, the memory of your skin. With those simple kisses we've shared, you've become a part of me. You're the hollow in my palm, you're the skin that meets my nails, you're the scar on my thigh. You took away a part of me, and gave me yourself in return. I'll save you from me.
This hurts more than anything I've ever known, and inside my tears for you really will never stop. The pain is burning me up from inside, with a fury I've never known. Not even in my darkest moments did I ever experience anything like this; and it terrifies me. Strangely, it will be this that drives me on; that helps me with the path I've chosen. I will become a spy, I will die for the cause, and I will mourn our loss for the rest of my days; the torture that is your memory will never fade.
**********
The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle-
Why not I with thine?
See the mountain's kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdain'd its brother:
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea-
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?
Love's Philosophy – Percy Bysshe Shelley
A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, the next chapter might not be for a while, I've got exams !!!!
Palantiriell: Don't cry!! I didn't mean to make you cry!
Quasy: I think you're right, Draco is very scared of happiness, but I think he also wants to protect Harry. Ahhh so sweet!
Beautifulelf: thanks for all your reviews.
Everyone else, you're making me blush, you're too nice! Be prepared for lots more angst…
