Thank you for the reviews again! : ) It really means a lot to me to know that people read it and care enough to leave a little note. : )
Here is chapter 3, finally with the interaction between Carter and Abby. ; ) But I had to write the 2 chapters before to explain what I think how they both felt.
I hope you'll like this one. : ) Let me know what you think. Thanks. : )
Chapter 3: "You & Me"
They sat there for a little while, just looking into each others eyes, both not sure about what to say. The tension was present, but also was love and understanding.
They both wanted to hug the other. But they were afraid. Afraid that the other didn't feel the same. Afraid to have lost the other.
Finally, Carter took a deep breath before he started to speak.
"Abby, … I was thinking about the right words to tell you what I feel the whole way back from Africa.", he said, still looking into her eyes. He was searching for any signs to be able to read her thoughts, but he still wasn't sure how to interpret her silence.
She did the same. She could hear his voice crack with every word. And she could see tears forming in his eyes. She could tell he was very emotional.
"But I found that there are no right words. No words can describe how sorry I am. Sorry about my behaviour. Sorry about hurting you. Sorry about pushing you away. Sorry that I didn't tell you about Africa. I didn't mean to do all that."
A tear started to roll down his cheek now. He hoped she'd understand and forgive him.
Abby wiped the tear away with the back of her hand and let it rest on his face for a moment before she took his hands in hers. She could see that he really meant what he said. She couldn't help but forgive him for everything he did.
"John … I know what you mean. I am sorry, too. Sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me, sorry that I disappointed you again."
She was close to tears now, too. She felt guilty, like she disappointed him. She needed to hear from him that he forgave her.
He was surprised to hear that from her. He was the one feeling guilty. He didn't want her to feel responsible for anything. He knew that he blamed her earlier. But he was not himself when he said all the mean things to her.
"No, you didn't do anything wrong. And you didn't disappoint me. I was selfish. I should have understood that you had to go and get Eric. I didn't mean to yell at you, to send you away. I was not myself. Can you ever forgive me?", he asked, almost pleading for her to say yes. He didn't want anything more than her to forgive him.
Abby couldn't say a thing. She tightened her grip around his hands to show him that she did, but she couldn't speak, not yet. She had no words for how glad she was that he said she didn't do anything wrong. She was blaming herself the whole time.
She took a few deep breaths before she answered.
"John, it's okay. You were hurt, your grandmother just died. I understand."
She could tell that he was feeling guilty and didn't want to make it even harder for him.
He moved a little closer towards her and looked even deeper into her eyes.
"I feel so stupid that it took that trip to Africa to make me realise how much I was putting at risk. What I saw there was so horrible and sad, I can hardly describe it. I don't know how I could ever leave you like that."
She was worried. He looked so sad, like his heart was broken. She knew it was not only because of her, but also because of his experiences in Africa.
"I am just so glad that you came back to me.", she said with tears rolling down her cheeks. "It hurt that you didn't tell me about Africa. But I was even more worried. Worried that something happened to you in Africa. And worried that it's over between us. Worried that you finally realised that I am wrong for you. That you don't want me anymore. I know I told you to go so many times. But when you were actually gone, I knew that it was the last thing I ever wanted. I want to be with you, more than ever. I've had a lot time to think. About you. Me. Us. And I realised that you are all I want in my life, all I need in my life. Without you I was not complete. I have already forgiven you, John. You were the only thing on my mind since you left me. Now I hope you can forgive me, too. I want this to work. I …", she started to say, before she looked down at their entwined hands for a moment and back into his teary eyes again. "I love you.", she finally brought out, sighing deeply.
She was afraid, afraid that he didn't feel the same, to get hurt again. Afraid that it was too late. But at the same time it felt so right to say it to him.
Carter smiled a little at her words. He could hardly believe his ears. He was so happy, she finally said the words he wanted to hear from her for so long. The words he wanted to tell her for so long. The words he was afraid to say. Like she was.
"I never want to be without you again, I love you, too", he answered, pulling her into a hug. Abby wrapped her arms around him, too, hugging him tightly.
They could both hardly believe that they had each other back. Both were so worried before. Worried to lose the other. It was an incredible feeling to be back in each others arms again, to be close again. To hear the other breathing, to feel the heartbeat of the other.
It were the little things that amazed them now, that made them happy. That they missed for so long. They never wanted to let the other go again.
Suddenly, feeling save and protected in Abby's arms, the memories of Africa came back to Carter's mind. With her, he could let go of his strong façade. And the emotions he tried to hold back the whole time suddenly came out.
He tried to be strong in front of Luka, of Gillian. And most of all in front of all the little children he treated every day. He didn't want them to see how deeply the things he saw touched him. He didn't want them to know that he worried about them all.
But now he just had to let these feelings out.
They were both crying and clinging to each other, but suddenly Abby could feel Carter start to sob uncontrollably and tighten his embrace around her even more.
She did the same and tightened her embrace around him. She could feel the whole time that there was something he wanted to talk about. Something that touched him, made him sad. She could see it in his eyes. And she wanted to support him, be there for him, comfort him. She hoped he could open up to her.
She began to stroke his back with one hand and hold his head with her other while she began to rock him lightly.
"Hey, what's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?"
He pulled away from her, just a little, just enough to look into her eyes. He wanted to talk about everything and he knew he could to Abby.
But he was also afraid to talk about it. To feel everything again. But he knew he'd feel better afterwards.
He got up and walked over to the window.
He looked at the raindrops falling down. There were thousands of them, falling down to the earth endlessly, as they always did, like nothing ever happened.
He could feel that Abby came up behind him. She put a hand on his back.
"Talk to me.", she said and kissed his shoulder lightly.
He turned around to face her and took her hands in his before he started to tell her everything that was going on in his head.
"Abby … I will never forget what I saw there. The people there are so poor. The medical situation is unbelievably bad. Most children don't even make it to their second birthday. And their eyes … it hurts to look into their eyes. They are so innocent, but suffer the most. They die from diseases I haven't seen in years and could be treated easily, with little money. You want to save them all, but it's not possible."
He had trouble to bring out the words without starting to cry again.
Abby looked into his eyes the whole time, but didn't know what to say.
"And the war is horrible. They were so close to us. A girl lost her foot from a bomb. And in the end the Mayi Mayi came into our camp. They held a gun to my head. They shot a man in front of my eyes.", he went on, but couldn't continue. He started crying again and Abby pulled him into her arms.
He embraced her, not wanting to let her go again.
She could feel how much pain he felt. And she couldn't help but think that it could have been him as well who they shot. She could hardly believe in how much danger he actually was.
She held him for a while and let him cry. She knew he needed that.
Then she motioned him over to the bed.
"Hey, you need some rest, okay?", she said to him, looking into his still watery eyes.
He just nodded. His eyelids were heavy, though he knew he wouldn't be able to find much sleep tonight.
They lay down close next to each other, arms around each other.
Abby waited for him to fall asleep. He had his head on her chest and she could feel his breath on her skin evening slowly but surely until she could tell that he was asleep.
She watched him for some minutes. She thought about all he told her, could feel his pain, wanted to take it away from him, but knew she couldn't. All she could do was being there for him, let him feel her love for him.
After a while she fell asleep herself.
It was not a calm night. He woke up several times, bathed in sweat from his nightmares. Abby wrapped her arms around him every time he woke up and tried to let him feel that she was there until he fell asleep again.
